On a Lonesome Road
by valeri29
Summary: Bella's Mom forces her to join the Forks High band. There she meets her five best friends. But amidst the flirting and pranks, Bella finds herself unable to escape one devastating, life-altering mistake and fears her life is over at 15. No teen pregnancy.
1. Beginnings

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Like one, that on a lonesome road

Doth walk in fear and dread,

And having once turned round walks on,

And turns no more his head;

Because he knows, a frightful fiend

Doth close behind him tread."

"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Chapter 1 - Beginnings

There is no doubt that Forks, Washington is a small town. Here, everyone knows everyone. Generations upon generations of the same families have been born together, grown up together, lived together, and died together in this town. It can be quite claustrophobic at times. It's easy to feel smothered when everybody seems to live on top of one another the way we do. One is not free to make mistakes in a small town like Forks; one cannot hide or flee their misdeeds like those living in big cities. The tiniest misstep, the smallest indiscretion is fair game for the gossip mill for years…if not forever. And the mistake I had made was certainly not a small one. I knew that this one mistake would devastate my life. I would never be able to escape the shadow of what I had done; and worst of all, absolutely everyone knew about it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to go back, start at the beginning. I have to explain myself and what makes me who I am. You need to know a little about my life and the community I live in. Without this basic knowledge, you can't possibly understand Bella Swan… that would be me…and how it's possible that my life is over at the age of fifteen.

~*~

Growing up in a small town has reached iconic status in America. The small town ideal of families sitting down together each night for a home-cooked meal; of parents raising children without fear of them coming to harm; of the bread-winning Dad coming home to a happy wife and respectful kids; of sleeping soundly in one's bed at night without first having to triple-check that the doors are locked has become the National Fairytale. For millions who grew up wishing that a town like Mayberry really could exist, it's difficult to let that dream die. Those of us who actually live in small towns know the truth. It's almost never idyllic, and it's often just plain dull.

Forks is barely a speck on the map. But we have problems just like those of you who live in big cities. There are just as many families with both Mom and Dad working to pay the bills – coming home at night to little strangers that they have no time or energy to get to know. There are mothers who torment themselves with thoughts of what could possibly befall their babies whenever they're out of sight, even for a moment. There are robberies. There are assaults. There are just as many divorces. There are just as many broken promises and shattered dreams.

So what, you may ask, is the difference between big cities and small towns? The difference is that when city-dwellers want to go out on a Friday or Saturday night, there's actually somewhere to go. This is not the case in Forks. There's absolutely nothing to do here. That's an indisputable fact.

When you're a child, you don't really notice the monotony. Your neighborhood is your world. Your days race by at the speed of light. You ride bikes with your friends. You play tag and hide-and-go-seek. And you create entire imaginary universes to inhabit and explore that are actually contained completely in the one tiny block you've lived on your whole life.

When you're an adult, you don't really notice either. You're too wrapped up living life to worry too much about Forks being so insignificant. You have a job to go to and a boss to deal with. You have co-workers to try to get along with – even though they drive you crazy on a daily basis. You have a mortgage to pay, a yard to mow, and mountains of laundry to conquer. You have a spouse to love or hate…depending on your mood. You have kids to raise.

But when you're a teenager, when your world is nothing but the microcosm of high school and the friends and enemies contained within its walls, the emptiness that is small town life can be crushing. It is during this time of one's life that it becomes glaringly obvious that Forks is a wasteland. It was in that summer before my freshman year of high school that I first became aware of this new-to-me reality. I was fourteen and had never had a problem filling my days before. But I would soon realize that I had four long years of nothing to do stretching out before me. What a depressing thought.

Making friends had never been something that came easily to me. I did have playmates growing up, but the truth was that they didn't really like me. I didn't understand why. I just wanted to be their friend. I did everything I could think of to please them, but I rarely succeeded. We were only friends because of geography. We all lived on the same street. We were all roughly the same age. It just made sense for us to play together, whether we actually liked each other or not. Now that we were older and our world was starting to expand beyond our neighborhood, it suddenly seemed to matter that we really couldn't stand each other.

Beginning at the age of twelve, I'd slowly begun to pull away from the kids who had been my playmates. I had always loved books, but I had begun to spend more and more time with them. I spent hours in my room, just reading. When my mom, Renée, would tell me to go outside and get some fresh air, she would become exasperated when she found me not running and jumping and playing with my "friends" as I had in the past, but calmly sitting under the shade of our tree in the backyard, my nose in yet another book.

When she couldn't force me to interact with kids my own age at home, she tried to get me more involved at school. Her persistence was unnerving, to say the least. She somehow managed to memorize the school calendar, but not for the sake of PTA meetings and fundraisers. No, my mother was determined to know exactly when each school dance was held. And for weeks before each one, she would badger me about going. It didn't matter that I didn't have a date. Instead, my mom always suggested that I go to the dances in a group with the rest of the neighborhood girls. She insisted that a boy would be crazy not to ask me to dance once I was actually there.

My mom just didn't understand. Why would I want to waste my time with the two-faced girls that I had grown up with, when I could imagine Anne Shirley or Elizabeth Bennet or Jane Eyre was my best friend? How could I be content with an awkward, adolescent boy, doing everything he could to shove his tongue in my mouth and get a hand up my shirt, when I could fall in love with Mr. Darcy or Romeo or Heathcliff?

My refusal to hang out with the old gang and my retreat into the world of books had my mother seriously concerned. My dad, Charlie, had always been quiet, and Mom complained that I was becoming more and more like him every day. She worried that I might be in danger of becoming completely and permanently anti-social. So she had forced me to do something the summer before I entered high school that I really hadn't wanted to do. She had pushed me to be a "joiner"…to do something to make new friends. I was willing to try, for her sake. I love my mother, and I was willing to put myself out there for her. But come on! Did she honestly think that signing me up for band was going to catapult me into the "in crowd" once school started? Her argument was that my natural lack of coordination had made summer sports of any kind an impossibility and that band was the only other option. That made sense, but that didn't mean I had to like it. When I had countered that I didn't play an instrument and couldn't even read music, my mother shocked me as she responded with an unconcerned shrug.

"It doesn't matter, Bella. I thought of that already. I signed you up to play cymbals. All you have to do is memorize where you have to come in the few times you're actually needed. The band director assured me that anyone can do it, even you."

I knew my mother was trying to be encouraging and that she honestly was trying to help. But she had failed miserably.

During my last two years of middle school, I had concentrated on my school work. When I wasn't studying, I filled up my free time with the books I loved. I didn't want to get along with the giggling girls in my classes. Puberty had seemed to only intensify their petty jealousies and insecurities. I could not understand these girls; they pretended to like each other, but seemed to delight in stabbing one another in the back. I wanted nothing to do with them. I didn't seem to have any luck finding friends among my male classmates either. Hormones had seemingly transformed them into sex-crazed lunatics overnight. I certainly wasn't willing to do what some of the girls did to be "popular" with the boys at school. So, I did my very best to keep my head down, blend in, and just get through the years leading up to high school. I had, until now, managed to avoid the cliques by simply ignoring them. I knew now that, thanks to my mom, I would not be so lucky in high school. Even I knew how the Forks High School social hierarchy worked. And my mother had managed to make me the Forks High equivalent of an Untouchable before my high school career ever even began.

Anyone who has ever watched a coming-of-age teen movie is familiar with the clichés of the American high school social order that Forks High followed. At the top are the typical elite…the Jocks, the Cheerleaders, the Rich, and the Beautiful. Running through the rest of the cliques in descending order of coolness, you would eventually reach the band geeks at the very bottom of the list. Hollywood has left no doubt in the minds of the American public that the band geeks are the social pariahs of any high school. American Pie had been particularly rough for teenage musicians everywhere to live down. They had been subjected to a constant barrage of, "And this one time, at band camp…" on a daily basis. The girls who played flute had the most difficult time…boys were always wanting to know if they masturbated with their instruments like Michelle did in the movie. I guess that was the only bright side to this mess, at least Renée hadn't signed me up for flute.

So, the band geeks – known as Bandsies at Forks High School – are of the lowest social order; that's been established. But within the band itself, there is also a pecking order. Trumpet players are cooler than tuba players. Saxophone players are cooler than clarinet players. I've already mentioned what the poor flutists had to endure, even among their fellow Bandsies. And absolutely everybody in the band looked down on the percussionists. To play beautiful melodies and harmonies takes skill, talent, and practice, while all percussionists had to do was hit a drum with a stick. Now you would think that being banded together in the least appreciated section in the lowest social order of Forks High would endear the percussionists to one another, but this was not the case. The snare drummers looked down on the quad players. The quad players looked down on the bass drummers. And even the bass drummers looked down on the two or three poor souls who were roped into playing the cymbals each year. Cymbal players weren't even talented enough to get a drum and a stick. This is what my mother had signed me up for. I was now the lowest of the low. I was better off before, being a nobody!

I never let my mother know what she had done to me. Beyond my feeble protest about my lack of musical ability, I hadn't said another word to her about her plan. She really was doing what she thought was best for me. I would suffer in silence if it made her happy. So when she dropped me off in front of the school for my first day as a Bandsie, I plastered a fake smile on my face as I jumped out of the car and turned to wave goodbye to her. Turning back toward the building, I squared my shoulders and determined to make the best of the hell I found myself in.

Although living in a town as small as Forks meant that you were at least familiar with almost everyone in town, it didn't necessarily mean that you actually knew them. You may know that Jessica Stanley's mother had been suspected of skimming money from her teller drawer at the bank or that Lauren Mallory's father was on his fourth wife, but that didn't mean that you knew who they really were as people. So although I recognized most of the faces as I entered the band room, the only person I could truly say I knew was my cousin, Alice Brandon.

Alice had been in band all through middle school and loved it. That was actually one of the reasons Mom had decided to subject me to this particular torture. She had heard all about how excited Alice was about band from my aunt, Mary, and thought it would be just the thing for me too. I didn't have the heart to tell my mom that it really didn't mean much for Alice to be excited about band; because Alice was excited about absolutely everything! Alice was excited if the sun came up in the morning and the moon rose at night. Okay, this is Washington, so I guess the sun and the moon making appearances could be a mild cause for excitement. But Alice was excited for every day it rained too, and that was an almost constant occurrence.

I heard her before I saw her.

"Bella," she screeched in a frequency I was certain only dogs could hear.

Before I even knew what hit me, Alice had thrown herself at me and was clinging to me as if for dear life.

"Hi, Alice," I said, trying to extract myself from her clutches. "How have you been?"

"That's all I get? 'How have you been?' My very own cousin, who I haven't seen in ages, waltzes back into my life and casually asks me, 'How have you been?'"

"Alice, I saw you the weekend before last, at your house, remember?"

Alice simply waved me off, as if I were trying to belittle the pain of our estrangement. She gave me a wounded look, silently communicating that I couldn't possibly begin to understand the hurt I had caused her during my long absence. Have I mentioned that Alice can be a little theatrical?

Being Alice, she decided to quickly forgive me for my abandonment – of the last two weeks – and introduce me to some of her friends. Since she had been in band for the past three years, she already knew everyone. And unlike me, Alice had no problem at all making friends. People seemed to instantly worship and adore her. It constantly amazed me to watch her in action. She seemed, quite literally, to dazzle everyone around her.

Alice and I were the same age, but she looked younger. She was petite and delicate-looking. She once played Tinker Bell in an elementary school play, and I couldn't help but think of her as a pixie ever since. It just fit her. The image of the pixie was only accentuated by the short, spiky version of the "pixie" cut that Alice favored for her midnight black hair. Her eyes were a gorgeous, bright blue that reminded me of a cloudless sky – a rarity in Forks, it's true, but I had seen one once or maybe twice, so I felt qualified to make the comparison. She was funny and bubbly and always knew exactly the right thing to say. Girls fell over themselves to be her friend and boys knocked each other out of the way just to be close to her. In other words, she was everything that I was not.

Still, I loved her. Who could NOT love Alice? And for some inexplicable reason, she loved me too. When I claimed that it was just because we were related, that she had to love me on a technicality, Alice just shook her head sadly.

"Bella, you never have seen yourself very clearly, have you? You're smart and loyal and absolutely the sweetest person I've ever met. I would love you, even if I wasn't required by blood and family duty to do so." It was nice of her to make up those things to make me feel better, wasn't it? I loved her all the more for it.

Bringing myself back to the present, I focused again on Alice as she grabbed my arm and led me to a circle of her friends.

"Everyone, this is my cousin, Bella. Bella, this is everyone. You will all be nice to her," Alice commanded, but then paused as her head tilted back so she could meet the eyes of the hulking boy before her. "Emmett, I know better than to expect you to be nice…just try not to torture Bella too much, okay?"

"I promise not to torture her any more than I torture the other girls," Emmett vowed. Somehow I didn't take much comfort in that. I knew of Emmett, although I'd never officially met him before. He was a McCarty, and the McCartys had been the designated class clowns in Forks for longer than anyone could remember.

Emmett was tall and very muscular, and he was two years older than Alice and me. He had dark hair that looked like it would be prone to curl if he let it get too long, and his eyes were blue like Alice's, only a shade darker. When he smiled at me, I saw that he had adorable dimples. He was definitely cute, but certainly not my type. Besides, I was sure that a guy like Emmett wouldn't be single if he didn't want to be.

My suspicions were confirmed at that moment when Rosalie Hale walked up behind Emmett and snaked her arm through his, staking her claim. I had met Rosalie a couple of times at Alice's. She and Alice had been friends for years now, but for some reason, the three of us had never hung out together much. I got the impression that Rosalie didn't like me, although Alice had denied it.

If you were a teenage girl, Rosalie was your basic nightmare. She was blonde, beautiful, tall, and thin. The girl should have been a supermodel. Rosalie could make the most secure of girls nervous to be in the same room with her. Girls who suffered from low self-esteem, like me, should do their best to avoid her at all costs.

Although she was in band, Rosalie escaped the Bandsie curse. The reason for this was simple. In addition to playing clarinet in the band, she was also the head cheerleader of Forks High. Nobody made fun of Rosalie Hale. So, she was in the band…so what? Rosalie was in everything. She starred in school plays, she sang in choir, she was the secretary of the French club and the treasurer of the drama club, she was an honor student, and she was on student council. Like I said, your basic nightmare.

"Bella," Alice captured my attention again as she led me over to a boy with wavy, honey-blond hair and gray eyes. The softness in Alice's face and the dreamy quality in her eyes caught me off guard. She then completely shocked me when she took the boy's hand and smiled sweetly at him. "This is Jasper Whitlock…my future husband."

I had to shake my head in an attempt to clear it. Had my fourteen-year-old cousin just declared herself engaged? She hadn't been dating anyone two weeks ago.

"Really, Alice?" When did all this happen? The last time we talked you were still single, and now you're planning nuptials? Isn't this a bit sudden?"

"Sudden," she asked. She reluctantly broke her gaze with Jasper to look at me quizzically. "Not really," she continued, "we've known each other for a whole fifteen minutes now; and we've known we were destined for each other for at least fourteen of them. Right, honey?" Alice again glanced adoringly at Jasper. And to my utter shock and amazement, he looked back at her with an equally smitten expression.

"That's right, darlin'," Jasper answered with a noticeable southern drawl.

Okay, I was confused. First, I was certain that I'd never seen Jasper around before. The boy was absolutely gorgeous. He would have been impossible to forget. Second, I was sure I'd never heard the name Whitlock in Forks before. And third, where exactly had he picked up the southern accent?

"Jasper's family just moved here from Texas," Alice answered my questions before I'd had a chance to ask them.

"Well," I paused. This conversation had taken a right turn straight into The Twilight Zone anyway, so I might as well go with it, right? "It's wonderful to meet you, Jasper. Welcome to the family." I stood on tiptoe to give him a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.

Alice truly looked pleased. Whatever. I was happy for them…for however long it lasted.

Just then, I heard a clatter behind me. Someone had obviously dropped something or knocked something over.

"Oh Bella," Alice exclaimed excitedly, "Jasper isn't the only new student at Forks this year. I want to introduce you to Edward Cullen." She motioned behind me, in the direction that the noise had originated from.

I turned slowly and saw a boy with reddish-brown hair practically kneeling at my feet, picking up an overturned music stand. At the sound of his name, Edward Cullen looked up at me. And I was completely and totally stunned by the most beautiful pair of green eyes that I had ever seen.

_I'm going to marry this boy_…was my first thought.

_Oh, great! Insanity really does run in my family…_was my second.

* * *

Thank you for giving On a Lonesome Road a chance. I hope at least some of you decide to stick with me. My plan is to post regular updates on Tuesdays.

If you feel so inclined, please leave me a review. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to four ladies who encouraged me to write in the first place, who held my hand every step of the way, and who actually talked me into posting this story...Gemmabobella, Ninapolitan, DeltaSwan90, and RavynNightstorm. Without them, On a Lonesome Road never would have existed.


	2. Unrequited Love

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 2 – Unrequited Love

"Why don't you just give it up, Edward? I'm never going to get this," I said, slumping in my chair.

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see the notes on the page anymore, and I certainly didn't want to see the look of disappointment on Edward's face.

"Bella, I know you can do this! You're a smart girl," Edward put his hands on my shoulders, and I could almost feel him willing me to open my eyes, to look at him.

I didn't want him to do that. Touch me. More than anything, I wished that he wouldn't put his hands on me like he was doing at this very moment. It just made this so much harder. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, wanting this feeling to go away and at the same time hoping it would never end.

How could something feel so wonderful and so horrible simultaneously?

It was amazing to feel the heat from Edward's hands soak through the thin cotton of my t-shirt and into my skin, but I found myself wanting more. With my eyes closed and his hands gripping my shoulders, I could easily imagine how I really wanted him to touch me. How his hands could simply slide across my shoulders and up the sides of my throat until they were cupping my face, tilting my chin up so he could taste my lips.

_No! Stop it! Stop it right now! You cannot let yourself think like that! _

_He can never be yours. He already belongs to someone else._

That thought abruptly brought an end to my fantasy kiss with Edward. My eyes snapped open, and I reached my hands up to gently push Edward away from me.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I just don't seem to be able to learn this."

"Bella, you've barely even tried. Anyone can learn anything if they give it a sincere try. You're just being stubborn."

He had a point. I knew this about myself. I was the most stubborn person on the planet. Okay, maybe not THE most stubborn, but I'd bet I was in the top three.

"I just don't see the point," I argued.

"And that's why you're not learning," he countered.

I let out an exasperated sigh and tried being rational with him.

"Edward," I began in a calm, even voice, "let's be reasonable about this. There is really no need for me to learn how to read music. I have a great memory. My part is never very big in any of the pieces we play. There's no reason why I can't just memorize where to come in."

"You can get by that way if you want to, Bella. But you're never going to become a musician if you do that. You'll really be nothing more than a glorified noise-maker." The volume of Edward's voice had begun to rise, and his breathing had begun to accelerate. He was getting angry. Well, that made two of us.

"A musician? Me? Get serious, Edward! I play the cymbals! I _am_ nothing but a glorified noise-maker! Listen, Edward, not all of us are meant to be the next Liberace. So just get off my case!"

His cheeks flushed red, and his eyes darkened with rage.

Uh oh. Maybe I had gone too far with the Liberace crack. He took his music very seriously, and he didn't appreciate being compared to someone who had been, in his opinion, a musical hack. I knew he had views on this subject. It had come up between us once before, so I knew that it would get to him.

In the three weeks since band had started, I had learned a lot about Edward. First and foremost, he was a musical prodigy. He could pick up and play any instrument like a virtuoso. I had also learned that his first love was the piano. There weren't any piano parts in the music we were playing in band; so, Edward decided to play the tenor sax instead. But there was still a piano in the band room. One day after practice, Edward had sat down at the piano and expertly begun to play "Clair de Lune" from memory. I hadn't known that he played at the time, and my mouth had dropped open in shock. And yes, in addition to my astonishment, there just may have been a little drool and a tiny smidge of lust.

_A smidge of lust? Who do you think you're fooling?_

_Alright, alright! I admit it! The boy got me all hot and bothered!_

_The first step is admitting you have a problem, you know._

_Hmm… I wonder if there's a 12-step program for this kind of thing. ELA? Edward Lovers Anonymous?_

As he had played, I wanted so badly to be near him. Okay, I knew that Edward was a little butch to be a Siren, and that he was playing piano and not singing. But for the first time I really understood how the Sirens' song lured their victims in and compelled them to listen forever. That was exactly how I felt listening to Edward's music.

Intellectually, I knew I should just leave him alone. It was the wisest course of action. So, of course, I immediately tried to think of some excuse – any excuse – to talk to him.

I used to spend weeks during the summers with my Grandma Marie before she passed away, and she had had an unhealthy obsession with Liberace. I had been forced to watch DVDs of his old television specials from the 1970s until I thought both my eyes and my ears would bleed. My grandmother had gone on and on about how she'd thought Liberace was sexy, and I didn't have the heart to tell her that he had been gay. How could she not have known just by looking at the guy? I'm pretty sure they invented the word "flamboyant" just to describe him. Oh well, I guess it was simply another time, and people didn't pick up on those things then like they do now. Or at least, Grandma Marie didn't.

So, given that I can be a smartass and given that I was pretty sure he wouldn't get the reference anyway, after Edward had finished, I leaned on the piano, sighed dramatically, batted my eyelashes at him and said, "Ah, Edward, that was truly beautiful. The only thing missing was a candelabra."

Edward looked surprised for a moment. Then he had simply smirked at me. "I don't need candelabras, flashy costumes, or diamond rings," he said. "I actually know how to play."

We had both laughed, I had thoroughly enjoyed indulging in my Edward moment, and that had been the end of it, until now.

I brought my concentration back to the livid boy standing in front of me.

Edward was absolutely furious. He opened his mouth to say something to me, and then closed it again. He gritted his teeth, and I swear he actually growled at me, before throwing his hands up in exasperation, spinning on his heel, and leaving me alone in the band room.

_Great. Me and my big mouth strike again._

I could feel hot tears start to slowly slide down my cheeks. They were angry tears. My anger had always been connected to my tear ducts. It was really annoying. The brilliant philosopher Descartes once said, "I think, therefore I am." Well, with me it was more like, "I'm pissed, therefore I cry." But I wasn't mad at Edward anymore. I was mad at myself.

Edward had only been trying to help me. Mr. Johnson, the band director, hadn't asked him to. He was taking the time to try to teach me music just to be nice. He wanted to be my friend.

And I'd insulted him. I had taken advantage of the biggest Edward button I knew of and had pushed it…hard. Oh, let's be honest, I had pressed the hell out of that sucker. Why? Why did I bait him like that?

_You know why. Because he wants to be your friend._

~*~

My mind flashed back to that first day of band – the clatter of the music stand, hearing Alice's bell-like voice saying his name for the first time, and me turning to find a bronze-haired, emerald-eyed god kneeling at my feet.

For a minute, I had allowed my imagination free reign as I relished the sight of Edward down on one knee before me. In my mind, I saw him pull a ring from his pocket. It would be my dream engagement ring, an oval-cut diamond solitaire set in yellow gold – traditional yet a little out of the ordinary, like me. Hey, it was my fantasy, so of course my perfect guy would have my perfect ring. He would take my hand and look up at me with a hopeful expression. And then he would say, "Bella, you're the one I've waited for all my life. I never want to spend another day without you. Marry me?" There wasn't a doubt in my mind about what would have happened next. If he had pulled out that ring and asked for my hand right then, I would be a married woman right now…if it were actually legal for fourteen-year-olds to marry in Washington State, which it is not.

"Hi, Bella," Edward said while getting to his feet. "It's nice to meet you." He held out his hand toward me.

"Edward, it's very nice to meet you too." _I think I love you. _

_Shut up! Stupid internal monologue! You have to play this cool. Don't let him know how much you like him._

Instead of reaching out with my right hand to shake his like any normal girl would do, I reached out with my left hand, turned my body so that we were standing side by side, and entwined my fingers with his.

After a moment, I looked down at the hand I was holding, trying to remember just exactly how it had gotten there. I quickly looked back up at Edward. He wore a surprised, questioning expression, but at least he didn't look mad.

_Okay, genius. You got yourself into this; now try like hell to get yourself out._

"So, Edward…ummm…come here often?" I cocked one eyebrow at him and smiled coyly.

To my immense relief, Edward burst into laughter. Emmett and Jasper joined in. Emmett walked up to me, and I took the opportunity to nonchalantly drop Edward's hand.

"You're okay, kid. I like you," Emmett said while ruffling my hair.

Obviously nobody had informed Emmett that girls hate it when you mess with their hair. I would have thought Rosalie would have been all over that one.

"Thanks, Emmett. I think I like you too."

And the funny thing was, even though he'd just turned my hair into a bird's nest and called me "kid," I was telling the truth.

"You stick with us, Bella. We'll show you the ropes and make sure nobody messes with you." Emmett paused and gave Edward a quick smirk before looking back to me and adding, "Unless you want to be messed with."

I could feel the heat in my face and knew I was blushing furiously. A glance at Edward revealed that a pink blush was also spreading across his cheeks.

_Good. At least I'm not alone. And maybe this means he likes me too._

"Emmett, you'd better knock off that innuendo shit when it comes to Edward and Bella," Jasper warned, though he was still laughing. "That's how rumors get started. And if Edward's girlfriend even thinks he's trying to sniff some other girl's panties, she'll take great pleasure in separating him from his balls."

I felt the blood drain from my face.

_Well, at least that took care of the blushing problem. _

_A girlfriend. Edward had a girlfriend. _

_Damn it all to the fires of eternal hell! _

_Hmmm… I wonder how serious he and this girlfriend of his really are._

It was not that I would ever break up a relationship. I would never dream of trying to tempt Edward away from this girl.

_Would I? _

_No. You wouldn't. _

_Damn it again!_

But this was high school after all. People get together and break up constantly in high school.

_Not Edward and me though. When we do get together, it will be forever. _

_Oh, will you please, for the love of God, shut up already!_

Mr. Johnson took this most opportune moment to make his entrance into the band room and ask everyone to take a seat. He handed sheet music to the different section leaders and had them pass it out to the rest of us.

While the papers were making the rounds, Mr. Johnson explained what he expected from us this year. His class rules seemed pretty basic, so I tuned him out and started looking around.

The band room is large with a regular floor covering about half the room before rising into four wide tiers. Plastic chairs were arranged on the tiers for the Bandsies to sit in. Everyone sat in sections according to what instrument they played. So, there was an area where only flute players sat, one for only the trumpet players, etcetera. You get the gist. Anyway, I was sitting in the percussion section, so I had a pretty good view of the room. The percussionists sit in the very back of the room, on the very highest tier_. _

As my eyes swept the room, I locked eyes with Alice. She looked concerned. Because we'd grown up together, she knew me too well for my own comfort sometimes. While everyone else had just thought I was being funny and flirty with Edward and hadn't taken me at all seriously, Alice knew me better than that. She could tell that I had immediately fallen for Edward. And she knew that I had felt like a ten-ton weight had been dropped on my chest when I'd found out he had a girlfriend. There was a reason it was called a "crush," right?

I nodded my head at Alice, acknowledging her concern. I knew that she would get me alone after practice. She would have all the gory details about Edward's relationship, and I'd be forced to hear them. Oh well, at least I would hear it from Alice. I didn't think I could bear hearing about it from somebody else. At least Alice already knew I was crushed, so I wouldn't have to hide my feelings from her.

I closed my eyes and willed the rest of the hour to pass quickly.

~*~

"Bella," Alice began when she had dragged me away from the din and chaos that followed practice and brought me to a secluded hallway of Forks High, "are you alright? There was a moment there I thought you might actually pass out."

"I'm okay, Alice. Well, I'm not okay, but I'll live. It's just… Edward completely took my breath away. I've never felt an attraction like that to anyone before. And then to find out that he's seeing someone; I think I was in shock."

I glanced at Alice and saw pity in her eyes. I couldn't stand to see it, so I quickly brought my gaze down to study the floor. I didn't really want to know, but I had to hear it. I took a deep breath and continued with absolutely zero enthusiasm, "So, spill it, Alice. I'm sure you know the entire story. Let me have it."

"Well, the gossip is that he's seeing some girl named Tanya. They've been together for awhile. Apparently, they've known each other forever."

"How long is "awhile" exactly, Alice," I asked her.

"They've been together for eight months."

Eight months? Teen relationships are measured like dog years. Eight months is an eternity. If he'd been with this girl for eight whole months, he must be serious about her. Not good.

"Wait, Alice. You said that they've known each other forever? So when he moved here, he left her back at home?"

I clung onto this glimmer of hope desperately. Long distance relationships never work. If he was here with me, and she was miles and miles away; things could work out eventually. I would just need to be patient.

"Ummm… Bella? I hate to tell you this, but both Edward's father and Tanya's father are doctors, and they both just accepted positions at the hospital here. Tanya's not in the band, but she will be going to school with us this fall.

Okay, I didn't think I could feel any worse than I did when I found out Edward had a girlfriend in the first place, but having to let go of that one last hope made me feel like I'd been punched in the stomach.

"Bella, it gets worse."

_Worse? How could the fact that my future husband is in love with someone else and thinks I'm a total goofball get any worse?_

"Rosalie told me that she's met Tanya," Alice paused.

"Yes?"

"Tanya is on the cheerleading squad with Rose."

_A fucking cheerleader! Perfect! Wait, you never say the 'f'-word. _

_The love of my life is sucking face…if not more…with a member of the pom-pom brigade. I think the 'f'-word is warranted._

Alice glanced at me nervously, and I knew the blows weren't over yet.

"Please, Alice, you're killing me here. Just cut to the chase and put me out of my misery."

"Rose told me that Tanya is absolutely gorgeous – a tall, strawberry-blonde with big tits."

I didn't respond to Alice. I leaned against the wall for support. Then I just totally gave in to the pain and slid down the wall, putting my head between my knees to help with the light-headed feeling.

There was no good news here. There was absolutely nothing for me to latch on to. Edward was serious about a girl he'd known forever, and she was a beautiful cheerleader with a bigger chest than me. I was average at best…average height, average weight, brown hair, brown eyes. Why would he ever give up Tanya to be with someone like me? The answer was – he wouldn't. I sat up straighter and put my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees.

"Bella, are you going to be okay? You're kinda startin' to scare me."

"Alice," I said, finally looking her straight in the eye, "how am I going to deal with having to see him all the time? Is there anything worse than unrequited love?"

"I imagine it's horrible, Bella. I'm so sorry."

"You imagine?" I asked her.

"Well, I…uh…have never actually experienced it myself," she answered apologetically.

"Of course not."

Oh, how I hated my life!

* * *

Thanks to everyone for continuing to read this story. If you'd like to share your thoughts by reviewing, I'd love to hear what you have to say.

On Friday, November 27th, I will be posting a teaser for chapter 3 on the On a Lonesome Road thread in the Alternate Universe – Human section of the Twilighted forums. Please feel free to stop by.

Chapter 3 will be posted on Tuesday, December 1st.

Thank you again to Gemma, Nina, Delta, and Ravyn. Lord knows, I wouldn't be doing this without you guys!


	3. Marking Time

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 3 – Marking Time

"So, Swan. Are you in or are you out?"

"I don't know, McCarty. What are you planning this time? Bank heist? Brink's job? Another Great Train Robbery?"

"You crack me up, Bella," Emmett laughed. "I knew there was a reason we kept you around."

_Great. I'm the court jester._

My mom had dropped me off at school fifteen minutes before practice started, but all of my friends were already there. They were standing around outside the entrance to the band room when I walked up. From the looks on everyone's faces, it seemed that there was a serious discussion in progress.

"Ok, Swan. Quit stalling. In or out. Decide right now, baby," Emmett said, giving me his infamous I-dare-you look.

"I keep telling you, Emmett. I'm not going to jail for you or for anybody," I said jokingly.

"It's okay, Bella. We're just talking about all of us going out Friday night. I promise there will be no thievery of any kind…this time," Emmett tried to reassure me. It wasn't working. I didn't trust that mischievous look in his eyes.

"First of all, who does 'all of us' include," I asked. There was a certain someone I would do just about anything to avoid. I chanced a sidelong glance at Edward, and then cursed myself for it. I hoped nobody had noticed.

"Gee, Bella, I thought you were one of the smart kids. Are you sure they haven't switched you to the short bus this year?"

"Ha ha, Emmett, very funny," I snarled.

Emmett put his hand on my shoulder and began talking to me as if I were a five-year-old. "You see, Bella, there are six of us. One, Jasper; two, Alice; three, Emmett; four, Rosalie; five, Edward; and six would be Bella if she's not too chicken shit to come with us."

"Screw you, McCarty! I do know how to count. I just wondered if we were including anyone else," I shot back.

"Oooo. Language, Swan. Language. You're progressing. What's next? Are you going to throw an 'oh shucks' or a 'fiddlesticks' at me?"

_If only Emmett were privy to my internal monologue, he'd see I wasn't quite as innocent as he seemed to think._

Emmett was laughing so hard that he was leaning on Rosalie to keep from falling over. Rose tossed me a look that let me know she was less than amused.

I just stood there and waited for Emmett's laughter to subside. What else could I do? This was between Emmett and me. Nobody else was rushing to my defense. I risked another glance at Edward and saw that he seemed to have found something extremely interesting about his shoes.

"Seriously, Swan. It's just going to be us. Apparently Edward's girlfriend isn't allowed out on Fridays. Tanya's father seems to think that Edward can't impregnate her if he restricts their time together. You'd think he'd know better, since he's a doctor and all."

"Can we leave Tanya and me out of this please," Edward finally spoke up.

_Hmmm… He sure did come to Tanya's defense quick enough._

"Sure, Cullen," Emmett conceded easily. I could tell that he really hadn't meant to insult Edward. He was having too much fun tormenting me at the moment to consider targeting anyone else. And he had absolutely no idea how well he was succeeding. He couldn't know what the thought of Edward and Tanya together did to me.

"So, why the intense interest in who's included, Bella? Did you want to invite someone? Is our little girl starting to take an interest in boys? You can tell your Uncle Emmett, Bella…are you starting to get that special tingle…you know…down there."

"Okay, Emmett. You've had your fun. Give Bella a break now," Alice broke in, grabbing my hand and pulling me away from the gang.

As I was following Alice, I looked back to gage the others' reactions. To my immense surprise, I saw Rosalie smack Emmett in the back of the head.

"Ouch! What did you do that for," Emmett asked her.

"Emmett, you can be such a jackass! Leave the poor girl alone," Rosalie told him before walking away to join Alice and me.

"Aw, come on, Rose! Bella knows I was just kidding!"

Rosalie just waved a hand over her shoulder at him, letting Emmett know that she'd heard him but wasn't ready to forgive him yet. I couldn't imagine what had gotten into her!

When we were out of earshot of the guys, the three of us came to a halt and formed our very first girl huddle.

"Bella, please forgive my stupid boyfriend. I really can't apologize enough for him. I think he's campaigning for Doofus of the Year or something," Rosalie said sincerely.

It took me a moment to realize that I was staring at Rosalie with my mouth hanging open. I knew that wasn't my most intelligent look, so I decided to close it. Then it struck me that I should probably say something to her. I really was being slow today; maybe Emmett had a point about the short bus.

"Rosalie, I don't know what to say," I began. "Thank you. I never expected you to stick up for me! I thought you didn't like me."

"Yeah, well, to tell you the truth Bella, I didn't like you," Rosalie answered. "But that's because I really didn't know you before. I always thought you seemed kind of stuck up the few times we ran into each other at Alice's. I can see now that you were just being shy. You're really not so bad, once someone gets to know you."

"Ummm…thank you?" Did I just get a complement from Rosalie Hale? I thought so, but I wasn't entirely sure.

"Besides, Emmett needs to be knocked down a peg or two every now and then. He already has way too high an opinion of himself for his own good. He needs me to keep his ego in check before it reaches epic proportions and tries to take over our fair city. Then the President would just have to call out the military to fight it, and it would be climbing tall buildings and trying to swat planes from the air, and it would be a whole big thing. Do we really need that hassle, honestly?"

I just looked at Alice in shock. Had Rosalie just made a joke? I didn't think she had it in her!

Alice looked back at me with mischief dancing in her eyes. At exactly the same instant, we all burst into laughter.

"Please tell me that you'll come with us on Friday, Bella," Rosalie asked me. "I can't promise to make Emmett behave, but I can at least try to hold him back a little."

"Yes, Bella, please come with us. It won't be the same without you," Alice stuck out her bottom lip and gave me her best pouty-face.

"Okay, okay, I give! I'll be there on Friday night," I sighed.

Then I remembered something. "Wait! Where are we going exactly? Crap! Why do I have a feeling that this was Emmett's plan from the very beginning? It's just like him to distract me with barbs and innuendo to the point I forget to ask questions."

Rosalie laughed and put her arm around my shoulders, "You know, Bella, you just may have something there."

~*~

Our band wasn't really a marching band. But Mr. Johnson came from a marching band background, and he wanted us to at least look orderly when we went to and from football games. So, in addition to learning our music, part of our time at practice was devoted to learning how to march. This didn't take up too much of our time, because we only practiced it when it wasn't raining. But on the day that Emmett and I had our verbal smackdown, the clouds briefly parted, and Mr. Johnson dragged everyone out to the parking lot to practice marching.

A section of the parking lot had been painted to resemble a football field. There were marker lines designating five yard intervals the entire length of this section. These are known as hash marks to we Bandsies. Mr. Johnson had us line up by section on these hash marks.

Bandsies cannot simply walk like normal people apparently. Mr. Johnson explained that the proper way to march is to keep your body as stiff as possible, then starting on your left foot, stride forward hitting the ground with your heel and rolling along the outside of your foot before reaching your toes; the process is repeated with your right foot, and you are now marching forward. The goal is to travel exactly five yards in precisely eight steps. Mr. Johnson had us all march forward, five yards at a time, without looking down, and then told us to stop and take a look at where we actually were. Almost nobody was on the next hash mark where they were supposed to be. And instead of the straight rows we'd started in, our rows now snaked and zigzagged. We spent what felt like hours repeating this exercise over and over again, five yards at a time, until we did eventually begin to improve.

I thought that teaching a non-marching band to march was pretty pointless. I mean, it's not like anybody would really pay much attention to the arrival and departure of the Bandsies at the football games anyway. For those attending the games, our purpose there was simply to play "The Star Spangled Banner" and to keep the home crowd fired up while they watched the Forks High football team lose.

But as pointless as teaching us to march forward was, the next thing Mr. Johnson taught us seemed even more pointless to me. Evidently, there would be times on our way to and from the football field when we would be forced to stop. But Bandsies can't just stop, you see. We have to keep marching, even if we're not going anywhere. Mr. Johnson taught us the proper way to keep our toes pointed away from each other to form a V, while our knees bend and only our heels leave the ground, one at a time. This marching for marching's sake, without the possibility of going anywhere, is known as marking time.

The rain held off until almost the very end of practice. We had spent almost the entire time today marching in the parking lot. I was tired after all this physical exertion, too tired to fight with Emmett anymore. So after practice, when he pointed at me and shouted "You in, Swan?" across the band room, I just nodded. So what if I didn't know exactly what Emmett had planned? Why did I feel the need to know everything? I mean, seriously. How much trouble could I get into hanging around with a small group of friends in Forks, after all?

~*~

I was wishing that I hadn't taken that question quite so lightly when I found myself and my friends alone in the middle of the woods on Friday night. The boys had built a small campfire in a clearing, and we found ourselves sitting on logs around its perimeter.

This wasn't exactly what I'd been expecting when I'd agreed to come. But when I'd said as much to Emmett, he'd just laughed at me.

"We live in the middle of BFE, Swan. It's not like we have limitless choices on what to do."

"BFE?" I asked, almost certain I really didn't want to know the answer.

"Butt-Fucking Egypt, a.k.a. the middle of fucking nowhere," Emmett happily supplied. _Yep, I didn't really want to know._

"This is one of the few places where we can come without anyone bothering us," Rosalie explained.

"Well, this is all new to me, but I kinda like it out here. It's peaceful," Jasper said while sitting down next to Alice and wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Yeah, that's exactly why we come out here, Jazz…because it's peaceful," Emmett agreed, but there was something in his tone that made me glance at him sharply. He was definitely up to something.

"The night is young," Emmett continued, "let the wholesome fun commence." He and Rosalie walked the few paces back to his jeep and returned carrying toasting forks and everything needed to make s'mores.

_S'mores? Really? _

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but the official favorite treat of Girl Scouts everywhere was not it.

As we'd settled into spots around the campfire, the two couples naturally paired off, leaving Edward and I to sit together awkwardly. We hadn't really made up after our fight, but had instead just chosen to kind of ignore it. We'd been civil to each other, but we hadn't really been comfortable with one another since it had happened.

"Bella," Edward began as he handed me a toasting fork and a bag of marshmallows, "I wanted to apologize for the other day. I blew things out of proportion. I have a tendency to do that sometimes. I'm really sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Edward! You were only trying to help me. I'm so sorry for what I said to you. I really have no excuse for my bad temper. Between my stubbornness, my temper, and my opinions, I'm surprised anyone ever puts up with me."

"Well, I will admit, Bella; sometimes you are pretty tough to take," Edward said with a gleam in his eye and suppressed laughter in his voice.

"Shut up, you brat," I commanded, as I playfully smacked his arm. We laughed and the tension between us was completely gone.

The six of us had a good time, roasting marshmallows, eating s'mores, talking, and joking. It was…nice. I hadn't felt like I really fit in anywhere in such a long time. But I really felt like I belonged here, with these people. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun.

And then Emmett struck again.

"Okay, kids, the wholesome part of the evening is over. Now it's time to get serious." He took another trip to his jeep but brought Jasper along this time. When they returned, they were carrying a small chest cooler between them. Opening the chest, he began passing out bottles of beer.

"Beer, Swan?"

"Emmett! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"What does it look like, Bella? I'm drinking," Emmett said, twisting the cap off his beer and taking a long pull.

"We're underage, McCarty!"

"Uh, yeah, I know that, Swan. That's why I have to have someone else buy it for me."

"My father's the Chief of Police, Emmett!"

"I'm aware of that too, Swan. That's why you need to not get caught. Trust me; I'll look out for you. I won't let you get wasted or anything. It's just a way to loosen up.

"Let's face it, Bella. You're way too pure and innocent for your own damn good. I've decided to make it my personal mission to corrupt you up good and proper," Emmett said, waggling his eyebrows at me and twirling his non-existent handlebar mustache.

That particular statement earned Emmett another smack upside the head from Rosalie. And as I blushed and looked away from Emmett, I noticed that Edward did not look happy at all.

"Ow! Will you stop hitting me in the head, woman!"

"What the fuck, Emmett?" Rosalie glared at him with a raised eyebrow.

Emmett suddenly got it. A knowing expression spread over his features, and he rubbed his hand soothingly up and down Rosalie's back. "When I said that I was going to corrupt Bella, you know I didn't mean it that way! You're my one and only, baby. I just think Snow White here needs a little dark around the edges."

_Ok, I really wish the ground would just swallow me whole right now. This is beyond humiliating._

"Seriously, Bella, one beer is not going to kill you. It's just a way to pass the time. In case you haven't noticed, you have four years to kill before you can get the hell out of this town," Emmett informed me somberly.

"There's absolutely nothing to do here! Do you know what our choices were for tonight? We could spend the night out here in the woods; we could spend it talking in the Forks High parking lot; or we could spend it in Alice's cemetery," Rosalie added.

Edward and Jasper gave Alice a funny look.

"You have your own cemetery," Jasper asked Alice. In the dim light from the fire, I couldn't tell if he was creeped out or thought it was cool.

"Kind of, but not exactly," Alice confessed. "I live in a large neighborhood that was built outside of Forks in basically the middle of nowhere. Nobody I know can figure out any reason for its location, but there it is. Directly across the street from my house is an old graveyard that was there long before the neighborhood was built."

"It's actually a pretty cool place to hang out," I told them. "Since it is so old, there are these huge headstones and some graves even have full-length stone slabs covering them. Alice and I grew up playing there. We used to have tea parties on the slabs."

Before I'd even finished speaking, I noticed Edward was looking at me like I had two heads.

"Look, Cullen. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it," I told him condescendingly.

"The point is," Emmett interrupted, "that we're all just marking time until we can get out of this fucking place. And we have to do whatever we can think of to keep ourselves sane in the meantime. If having a beer and being stupid with my friends every once in awhile makes doing my time here easier, then that's what I'm going to do."

Emmett made it sound like Forks was a prison, like we were trapped here. And it slowly dawned on me that he was right. We were trapped here.

But I began to realize that it went even deeper than that. We were trapped by more than just our location. We were trapped even in our own bodies. We had left our childhood behind, but we were not yet adults either. Nobody listened to us. We had no real rights. We had no real control over our lives.

Although we were not children, we were still treated as such by our parents. Look at Jasper and Edward; they had been dragged away from their homes, their schools, and their friends…everything and everyone they had ever known…with very little thought about how they felt about it.

And we were powerless to change it. We had no choice but to be trapped between the worlds of childhood and adulthood until we could graduate and leave Forks behind.

And with that sobering thought, I brought my beer bottle to my lips and tipped it upwards.

_Four years is an eternity to be doing nothing but marking time._

* * *

Reviews are respected and appreciated, although not required. I do like hearing that someone is enjoying this story, or can relate to it, or that it touches him or her in some way. So for those of you have done so or will do so in the future, I want to make it clear that you have my gratitude.

However, I should probably explain that reviews, although valued greatly by me, are not my goal in posting this story. On a Lonesome Road is an extremely personal story and posting it is more about a personal journey and achievement for me than anything else.

I'm sorry if this explanation seems a bit out of place here. I just felt the need to prepare some of my readers that I may not always act like a typical author. I do not expect reviews, but see them as gifts from you to me. I will not promise incentives for reviews, because I think that they should be freely given out of admiration or appreciation for the story and not for any other reason. I will promise, though, that respectful reviews will always be given a respectful response.

I think my reasons for this Author's Note will become evident as this story unfolds. For those of you who have suffered through reading this, thank you for your indulgence.

As always, thank you to Delta, Ravyn, Gemma, and Nina for your continued support. You guys are the best!


	4. Bumps, Bruises, and Boo boos

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 4 – Bumps, Bruises, and Boo boos

That night in the forest clearing was our inaugural gathering, the first of many. The six of us could be found together every Friday night thereafter. The clearing was probably our favorite refuge. We spent hours around the campfire there. Our nights in the woods usually closely modeled that first one…with only slight alterations. The conversations were always different. We talked about everything – books, movies, art, literature, music, politics, and anything else that crossed our minds. We laughed at new stories we'd been saving up to share with one another. We teased and flirted and inflamed and tortured…and always in new and exciting ways. But these were the subtle differences; there were other, more blatant ones as well.

Now, when Emmett handed me a beer, I didn't argue anymore. I never had more than one, and I liked the way it made me feel. Things were just slightly, delightfully hazy. I felt like myself, only lighter. I wasn't as self-conscious. I didn't mind being awkward, because everyone else was mildly off-kilter right along with me. I was bolder. I could say things that I was usually afraid to express. I could flirt with Edward just a little more openly. Emmett had been right; it was just a way to loosen up. And I didn't see any reason not to enjoy it.

Our relationships were constantly changing too. We had started out as six individuals just hanging out together for something to do. Of course, some combinations of us had started with stronger bonds than others. Alice and I had our familial bond. Emmett and Rosalie and Alice and Jasper were paired off into couples. Jasper, Emmett, and Edward interacted in ways that were completely alien to us girls. And on numerous occasions when Rosalie, Alice, and I had become engrossed in conversation together, I had intercepted looks from the guys that stated quite plainly that we were speaking a language totally foreign to them. But spending all of this time together was forging new bonds as well. We were all getting to know one another better. We were all finding new things to admire about each other. We were all discovering things we had in common. And we were all learning to appreciate our differences. After only a few weeks, I considered these five people to be the best friends I'd ever had.

And as our friendships grew and evolved, so did our romances. Of course, Edward and I were not together. We were only friends. We could not be any more than friends as long as he and Tanya remained together. But our friendship was one with benefits, and no, I don't mean those kinds of benefits. We just enjoyed being flirty with each other. There was nothing wrong with it. It's not like we actually meant the things we said to one another…at least, I knew that Edward didn't mean them, and I was willing to pretend that I didn't either, for his sake.

Jasper and Alice were enthralled with one another. Everything between them was a new discovery. They spent hours learning everything about each other. But they were just as comfortable sitting together in silence too. I would often look across the fire and catch them just locked in a gaze together, and I would have to look away. Jasper and Alice could express more intimacy between them with a single glance than most of the couples I'd seen who couldn't keep their hands off each other.

And speaking of not being able to keep their hands off each other… Emmett and Rosalie were by far the most…ummm…affectionate of us as a couple. They had known each other for so long. They had been friends for a long time before they had ever decided to get together. They didn't need to waste time sharing their stories with one another; they already knew everything there was to know about each other. And as a result, their relationship moved swiftly. As our nights together progressed, Emmett and Rosalie quickly graduated from only holding hands, to tentative kisses, to practically making out in front of the rest of us. Alice and Jasper were usually too lost in each other to notice, and Edward and I did our very best to ignore them.

However, we did not spend every single Friday night in our clearing. It would get old if that's all we ever did, so we mixed it up a bit.

On nights when the weatherman told us to expect only clouds and not rain, we would meet in Alice's cemetery. The boys all had later curfews than the girls, so on these nights, Rosalie and I would arrange to have a sleepover at Alice's house. Alice's parents, my Aunt Mary and Uncle Nathan, were trusting types who always left us to our own devices and went to bed early. We loved those nights, because we had so much more time together.

Jasper and Edward were pleased to discover that we'd been right about Alice's cemetery – there was absolutely nothing spooky about hanging out there. It was a quiet place, and we found ourselves also being quiet when we were there. It just didn't seem like the place to talk and laugh loudly; we were naturally respectful of our surroundings. Alice's neighborhood was huge; there were miles of interconnecting streets lined with houses. And when our legs got stiff from sitting on the stone slabs covering the graves, we would take long walks up and down the neighborhood streets. It was really more of a village then a neighborhood. They even had their own small neighborhood store that stocked necessities so the residents wouldn't have to drive all the way into Forks for just a gallon of milk or carton or eggs. And because these miles of land had been cleared of all trees to make room for the houses, Alice's cemetery was the one place we went that we could catch glimpses of the stars through the breaks in the clouds. It was a place to just be, a place to enjoy the silence and the night and one another.

Sometimes, but not often, we would gather in the Forks High parking lot. It could be a nice place to just talk, if we were left alone. But we were so seldom alone there. There were too many other people who gathered there. And it's not that we didn't have friends outside of the six of us, because we did. And it's not that we didn't enjoy spending time with these other friends too. It was just…we usually seemed to have a better time when it was just the six of us together. We seemed most comfortable that way.

I felt particularly uncomfortable on the nights we ended up in the parking lot. Because it was a popular place for teens to hang out and because the good citizens of Forks were afraid that their sons and daughters might be getting up to all kinds of mischief there, the local police took special care to sweep through the lot several times each Friday and Saturday night. My peers were irate, because they felt it was harassment. They weren't doing anything but talking, and where the hell else were they supposed to go? There was nowhere else in Forks. And since my father was Police Chief Swan, I usually got an earful. It's not that they were taking it out on me. They weren't. Mostly I was besieged with requests to talk to my dad and explain that there was no need for the constant drive-bys. I would just nod my head and say I would try. It was the quickest, easiest way to get them to leave me alone. My closest friends understood that I had no influence over how my father did his job and sympathized with me over what I had to endure as his daughter. I was grateful to them for that.

~*~

Unfortunately for me, not every day could be Friday. I loved band, because it meant more time that I got to spend with my friends. Band for its own sake, though…not so much.

Playing the cymbals was truly a nightmare for me. Anyone who's never played them probably doesn't know that there's actually more than one way to do so. If you close your eyes and picture a cymbal player, I'm sure that you imagine him bringing his arms back, and then bringing the cymbals together in front of him with a large crash. Yes, this is one way to play the cymbals. The other way that people are unfamiliar with is meant for those times when a loud cymbal crash is not required, but a soft cymbal clang is needed to help maintain the rhythm of the song. This sound is produced when the cymbal player is holding the cymbals together in front of him, one on top of the other; and his hands gently move the cymbals apart and together lightly to obtain the desired effect. What I had learned from unfortunate experience was that when I held the cymbals and tried to play them like that, the edges of the cymbals brushed the inside crease of my elbows. More times than I could count, I had pinched the sensitive skin of my inner arm between the cymbals. Not only did this hurt like hell, but it also left small bruises on both my arms. The first time I had ended practice with the inside of my arms black and blue, I had tried to hide it from my friends by holding my arms close to my body. That worked for about five minutes.

"Jesus," Jasper suddenly exclaimed, taking my hands and holding my arms out in front of me. "What have you done to yourself, Bella?"

"Swan, I know I told you that you could use a little corruption, but you haven't been shooting up, have you," Emmett asked me jokingly.

"Of course not, Emmett. It's no big deal, you guys. I just keep pinching myself with those damn cymbals, that's all. I'm either going to have to start wearing long sleeves or get used to rumors flying that the Chief of Police's daughter is becoming a heroin addict." All of my friends laughed at that…all, except for Edward. I detected a flash of true concern in Edward's eyes. He didn't seem to find the humor in this at all. I wondered what he was thinking.

I also had major issues with playing the cymbals in the more traditional fashion. For someone as shy and self-conscious as I am, the cymbals are not exactly the perfect choice of instrument to play. Causing a thunderous crash in the middle of a song was a sure-fire way to garner attention, much to my dismay.

_Great. That is exactly what I want, everyone staring at me like the freak I am. Hmmm… Did that sound just a little sarcastic? _

_Maybe, just a bit, but you're talking to yourself, remember? It's not like anyone else can hear you. _

_Oh yeah, excellent point._

The second issue I had with playing cymbals the traditional way, however, was a little more serious than the sting of embarrassment. Ok, think back to when I asked you to close your eyes and imagine a cymbal player. Did you notice that that the cymbal player in your imagination was male? Do you know why the idea of a female cymbal player doesn't automatically leap to mind? Let's just say that I'm painfully aware of why there aren't a lot of females eager to take the job. The trouble with bringing the cymbals together forcefully in front of you when you're a woman is that there are often…things…that get in the way. If I thought that the pinching on the inside of my arms hurt, it was nothing compared to the stars I saw the first time my breasts got smashed between my cymbals.

I would rather die than have the guys know about this particular hazard of mine. But after about the third time it happened, I couldn't keep myself from complaining about it to Alice and Rosalie. They both noticeably winced.

"Oh, ouch," Alice exclaimed. "That sounds like it really hurts."

"Alice, you know me. I don't normally say things like this, so you know I mean it. It hurts like a motherfucker!"

Rose and Alice looked at me in shock before bursting into laughter.

"Don't hold back, Bella," Rosalie said, still laughing at me. "Tell us how you really feel."

Alice was still laughing too, and I was starting to get a little pissed that they seemed to be getting so much entertainment out of my pain.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I know we shouldn't laugh, but it is a little funny, if you think about it," Alice said between giggles.

I just looked at her. Yeah, I really wasn't getting the funny. "Alice," I told her, "let's see you experience the unintentional mammogram and see if you still think it's funny."

Rosalie managed to gasp out, "The unintentional mammogram?" And then she and Alice actually fell to the floor laughing, tears streaming from their eyes. There was really nothing I could do but wait for them to recover. It took a good ten minutes.

_Oh well, at least I amuse my friends._

After Alice and Rose had stopped laughing, they agreed that it truly was a painful subject, and that I had every right to expect their sympathy. They promised never to laugh again if I needed to confide in them. I told them that I'd be happier just forgetting the entire thing. They had nodded their agreement, and I'd thought that was the end of it. Oh how wrong I was.

The next Friday night, we had planned another get together at Alice's. Alice had gone home from school with Jasper, and he was going to pick us all up in his mom's minivan and take us out to Alice's neighborhood around 8 o'clock. As it happened, I was the last one to be picked up.

As I got settled in my seat, I noticed the odd glance and smirk between all three of the guys. I looked at Alice and Rosalie, wondering if they had any idea what the boys were up to now. Neither of them would look at me.

Have you ever had the feeling that everyone is in on something but you? It's not a very nice feeling, being left out by your friends. But it was more than just the feeling of being left out. From the guilty expressions on the girls' faces, I got the feeling that this was about me. Somehow I was the joke. I blushed and looked down at the floor. I wasn't sure what form the humiliation would take this time, but I was sure that I was in for it before the night was over.

It didn't take long for the torture to begin. We had been sitting in the cemetery for just a few minutes. Everyone else was joking and laughing, but I was quiet.

"What's wrong, Swan? You don't seem like yourself tonight," Emmett said, walking over to where I was sitting and nudging me with his foot.

"I'm fine, Emmett," I answered, hoping that he would just leave me alone for once…no such luck.

"You're fine? Are you sure? The boys and I were afraid that you might not be feeling well tonight."

"Nope, I feel great," the flat tone of my voice negated my words.

"Seriously, Bella, we're just worried about you. We thought you might have been permanently injured," Emmett continued.

My head snapped up and my eyes narrowed. "Permanently injured?" I asked.

"Yeah, we heard through the grapevine about your 'unintentional mammogram' and were worried about the state of your puppies."

"Rosalie Hale! You told Emmett?"

"Bella, I didn't. I swear," Rosalie tried to reassure me.

"She's telling the truth, Bella! When Jasper, Edward and I got to Emmett's, the boys went out to look at something on Emmett's jeep. Rosalie and I were just talking about our conversation with you on Wednesday. We had absolutely no idea that the guys had come back inside and were eavesdropping like the sneaks they are," Alice explained.

"It's okay, Swan, really. Jasper, Edward, and I are just concerned. It sounded like that really hurt, and as men, we hate the idea of tits as nice as yours being at all misshapen or damaged in any way."

"Bella is there any assistance we can offer?" Jasper asked me.

"I, for one, would be more than happy to massage your breasts for you…if it would make them feel any better," Edward volunteered.

_Oh. My. God. Please, just kill me now. _

Yeah, Edward and I had flirted. But he had never said anything that blatantly sexual to me before. I knew that he wasn't serious. In fact, his offer was part of an organized plan to torture me. But I had to admit, at least to myself, how tempting the thought of his hands on my breasts actually was.

Of course, while I was busy fantasizing, the boys had dissolved into laughter. They were laughing at me. That brought a sobering end to my thoughts of Edward touching me, and I felt my face flush a brilliant scarlet. I was thankful that we never brought any sort of lights with us to the cemetery, so nobody could tell just how embarrassed I was. Still, I couldn't take anymore. I stood up, turned around, and walked into the darkness, leaving everyone else behind.

"Oh, come on, Bella. We were just teasing you," I heard Emmett say behind me.

I didn't stop. I needed to be by myself. I walked across the cemetery alone. When I was a comfortable enough distance from my friends, I ducked behind a large headstone and collapsed against it. I brought my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I leaned my head on my knees, willing myself not to think for awhile.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that. My feelings were hurt. I was mortified actually. But if I were honest with myself, there was only one reason I was taking this so much to heart. The girls had already known about this, had already laughed over it, and I had been fine with that. Emmett was just…well, Emmett…and I had gotten used to his teasing. Even having Jasper laugh at me hadn't really bothered me that much. But having Edward treat me like a joke was just too much. And then there was the way he'd teased me…

In all the time that we had spent flirting, there were times when I thought that I had seen a glimmer of understanding in Edward's eyes. I thought that maybe he had at least suspected my true feelings for him. But what he had just done…he had just proven that he had absolutely no idea how I truly felt about him. It was not in his nature to be purposely cruel. And to force me to think about how much I wanted what I couldn't possibly have was the height of cruelty.

"Bella?" I heard his velvet voice coming from somewhere close by, but I couldn't see him. I realized then that he couldn't see me either. He had no idea that I was sitting so close to him. If I just stayed silent, he'd walk right by me and never know I was here.

"I'm right here, Edward." I couldn't let him pass me by, even when I knew I probably should.

Following the sound of my voice, I saw him round the headstone and come to sit beside me. He didn't say anything right away and neither did I. I didn't actually know what to say. I closed my eyes and just concentrated on having him next to me. I listened to the sound of his breathing. I felt the warmth from his shoulder almost touching mine. I inhaled his scent deeply. I couldn't identify exactly what made him smell so good. His scent was somehow sweet but at the same time entirely masculine. It wasn't cologne. I didn't think it was the soap he used. It was just…Edward. I had no idea how he managed it, but I loved it.

"Bella, I want to apologize. We honestly didn't mean anything. We were just teasing. But I can understand why you wouldn't find it funny. You're a sensitive person. We've all grown so comfortable around you that sometimes we forget that. I hope you can forgive Emmett, Jasper, and me for being immature jerks."

I just looked at him. I still couldn't think of anything to say. I was happy that he was here with me. I was glad that he'd sought me out to apologize. But he was still apologizing for the wrong reason.

"Wait. Before you say anything, there's more. I wanted to personally apologize for what I said to you. It was ungentlemanly of me, I know. I don't know if you have noticed, but even though I joke around with Emmett and Jasper and even, at times, with you; I do try to always be a gentleman."

I had noticed. It was one of the things I loved about him.

"I got carried away tonight. I said something I shouldn't have to you. It was disrespectful. It hurt you. And I'm deeply sorry for it. You don't know how much I wish I could take it back."

_And you don't know how much I wish that you'd actually meant it._

I sighed. There was absolutely no way that was ever going to happen. I might as well resign myself once and for all to the fact that he couldn't be mine.

_I notice that you keep saying things like that, but you're not having much success in really following through with it. _

_Well, maybe if I keep repeating it, it will finally soak in. A girl could dream, right?_

I was still looking down at my feet when I felt his hand cup my cheek. Startled, I looked up and my eyes met his.

"Bella, please tell me you forgive me. I can't stand knowing that I'm responsible for you feeling this way." He looked at me with so much sadness in his eyes.

I couldn't bear to see him sad. My humiliation didn't matter anymore. My feelings for him still mattered, of course, but I suddenly realized that his feelings meant more to me than my own. I never wanted to see him sad. I had to do anything I could to erase the sorrow from his eyes.

"I forgive you, Edward. You're right. I am sensitive. And sometimes I let silly things bother me way too much," I told him.

"They're not silly if they have the power to affect you so intensely," he said. His hand was still on my face, and I felt his thumb lightly graze my cheekbone. I thought I saw him lean toward me, and for just an instant, I let myself hope that he would kiss me.

"Hey, Cullen! If you and Swan are done making out over there, you two might want to rejoin the rest of us. We miss your effervescent wit and charm." That would be Emmett. Who else could it be?

Edward was the one to sigh this time, before getting to his feet and reaching his hand out for mine. I grasped his hand, and he pulled me up. He held onto my hand for just a heartbeat longer than I expected him to.

"I guess we should get back," I said. "We don't want to get Emmett started again."

"Yeah, we definitely shouldget back," Edward readily agreed, turning from me and walking at a brisk pace back to the others.

_Damn it, Edward! Could you agree with me just a little less emphatically? Please._

I followed silently behind him.

~*~

A week later, I found myself standing near the sideline of the football field. School was starting on Monday, and since football season began shortly thereafter, Mr. Johnson has us practicing marching to and from the football field. Before each game, we would be marching onto the field itself to play "The Star Spangled Banner" before climbing into a side section of the stands to spend the remainder of the game.

I had been late getting to practice today. Well, late for me was actually on time. But that meant that I hadn't had a chance to talk to Alice before practice started. Mom had wanted me to pass a message along to Aunt Mary through Alice.

_Honestly, you would think that she could just pick up the phone instead of using Alice and me as her own modified version of The Pony Express._

There were thirty minutes left of practice, when I saw Alice suddenly break from her line and start walking off the field.

_What the hell? Where is Alice going? I still need to talk to her!_

That's when I remembered that Alice had a dentist appointment this afternoon. She had told me a couple of days ago that she would be leaving early. _Crap!_

"Hey, Eric," I whispered to my section leader. We really weren't supposed to be talking, but I desperately needed to catch up to Alice and had to have my section leader's permission to leave.

"What is it, Bella," Eric hissed back at me.

"Alice is leaving, and I really have to tell her something. My mom had a message for my Aunt Mary, and if I don't pass it along to Alice, Mom is going to be pissed. Can I please catch Alice and tell her. I swear, I'll only be gone a minute," I begged him. I hated this asking permission shit, but those were the rules.

"Okay, Bella. But please make it quick."

"I will, Eric. I promise to be right back."

Eric was really being nice in letting me go. Section leaders had some discretion over what they could allow members of their sections to do, but this was kinda bending the rules. Eric was free to release me to go to the bathroom or if something else serious came up, but I wasn't sure being a messenger girl for my mom actually qualified. I didn't want Eric getting in trouble because of me, so I was determined to be back as quickly as I possibly could.

Now you probably know that cymbals have leather straps looped at the top of them, but you might not know the proper way to actually use the straps. Cymbal players do not simply hold the leather straps in their hands. The proper way is to slip your wrists through the straps and then twist your hands around until the strap is secured between your thumb and index finger. This ensures that you don't easily lose your grip on the straps. Anyone who plays cymbals soon learns how to quickly get their hands both into and out of the straps. It becomes automatic, a habit, something you don't even think about.

So, when I took the couple of steps to the sideline, I swiftly and unthinkingly bent over to get the cymbals off and leave them behind me. I put my hands with cymbals attached out, palms facing down, about six inches from the ground. I hurriedly twisted my hands counterclockwise to loosen the straps so that I could pull my wrists free and the cymbals would fall the rest of the way to the ground. I had done this a hundred times already and had never had any problems. Well, my one hundred and first time was not quite so easy.

I felt one cymbal drop and was anticipating the second to follow. I took a stride forward, desperate to catch up to Alice who was getting further and further away from me. Well, my right wrist did not make it out of the strap like I was expecting. When I took the step forward, I tripped over the cymbal still attached to my hand. Everything happened really fast. I felt my feet leave the ground and suddenly the world was upside down. I remember catching the briefest of glimpses at the entire Forks High band standing on the field behind me, before realizing that I was now looking straight up into the sky and that I couldn't breathe. I gasped loudly, trying to get air back into my lungs. It only took a few seconds before I could breathe normally again, and I guess getting the oxygen to my brain helped me figure out what in the hell just happened.

_Did I really just do a front flip over a cymbal and land flat on my back in front of the entire band? _

_That would be an affirmative. _

_Fuck!_

The rest of the percussionists and Mr. Johnson were the first ones to reach me. They had been standing the closest. Mr. Johnson waved off everyone else and told them to go back to their spots, before asking me if I was ok.

I was grateful that he'd sent everyone else away. I felt stupid enough without a front row audience. "I think I'm fine now, Mr. Johnson. I just had the wind knocked out of me for a few seconds, but I'm better now."

I took the hand he offered me and tried to pull myself up. When I attempted to put weight on my right foot, however, I yelped in pain and quickly sat back down.

"What's wrong, Bella," he asked me.

"My ankle. I think I must have twisted it or sprained it or something."

I glanced towards the school and noticed that Alice was long gone. She hadn't even seen my latest screw-up.

_Yeah, well, she's the only one._

_Oh well, I think that I have bigger things to worry about right now._

"It's okay, Bella," Mr. Johnson told me. "I'll have someone help you back to the band room. Your mother is probably already there, waiting to pick you up."

Before I could protest that I could hobble back to the school just fine by myself, Mr. Johnson asked in a loud, booming voice, "Will someone please help Bella back to the school?"

"I will," a voice rang out promptly.

I knew that voice.

_Of course you do. You have dreams about that voice…and about the body it's attached to._

I glanced over my shoulder and saw Edward heading toward me. I shut my eyes tightly for a moment and prayed that when I opened them that I would realize I had imagined this entire incident.

_You don't have that kind of luck. This is your life, get used to it._

Edward reached me, and he and Mr. Johnson each took one of my hands and helped me up. I was careful to keep my weight off of my ankle.

"Take care of that ankle, Bella. I'll see you next week," Mr. Johnson said as he left me in Edward's capable hands and turned his attention back to the rest of the band.

"Here, put your arm around my shoulder," Edward commanded as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into his side. "Lean on me, Bella. Let me support you."

I loved feeling his arm around me. It was wonderful to be this close to him, even if I was hopping ridiculously on one leg.

It was slow going with me hobbling beside Edward, no matter how much I let him help me. I could tell that Edward was starting to get frustrated with me, and I cursed myself again for being such a klutz.

_He probably thinks I'm the world's biggest goober. _

_Yep, and you just keep adding to your already legendary goober status._

When we were finally out of sight of the field, I was shocked to find myself suddenly swept up in Edward's arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck without thinking, just trying to hold on. I looked into his eyes, his face now so close to mine, and asked him, "What are you doing, Edward? I was doing just fine."

"Bella, we were taking forever the other way. Besides, it was harder on you that way. Isn't it so much easier to just let me do all the work?"

_Yes, it is. Plus I get to be close to you. Bonus._

"But I'm heavy, Edward. I don't want you to hurt yourself carrying me."

"Bella, I don't know if you meant that as an insult to you or to me, but I wish you would knock it off. What do you weigh? Maybe 110 or 115 pounds? You're a stick, don't even try to argue with me on this one. And I'm hoping that you weren't implying that I'm a weakling. I assure you, Bella, I certainly have enough muscle to handle you. Don't worry, I would never drop you. I'm holding on to you and won't let you get away from me."

He was certainly right about the muscles. Of course, I had noticed…I noticed everything about Edward. He wasn't obviously muscular like Emmett. He didn't look like a serious weightlifter. Edward was tall and lean, not bulky. But he was still well-built, his muscles toned and defined. He had a swimmer's body, I'd decided, but I'd been too embarrassed to actually ask him if he spent any serious time in the pool.

_So, Edward, I've noticed that your body rivals Michael Phelps'. Is there a particular reason for that? _

Yeah, that wouldn't be an embarrassing topic of conversation at all.

We had reached the school, and my mom was suddenly running up to us in a panic. "Bella! Are you alright, sweetheart," she asked me.

"I'm fine, Mom. I just pulled another 'Bella' and hurt my ankle. I'm sure it will be okay."

"I'll take you home and get some ice on it."

Mom didn't say anything about Edward carrying me. She just turned and started walking toward the car, so Edward followed her with me still in his arms. While she opened the driver's side door and slid into the seat, Edward walked me around to the passenger side. He finally put me down beside the car, opened the door for me, and helped me in, careful not to jiggle my ankle.

I looked up at him standing beside me. "Thank you, Edward. I'm sorry that I'm such a klutz. I don't know why these things always happen to me. It's embarrassing."

"Don't be embarrassed, Bella. Your klutziness is part of who you are. You wouldn't be Bella without it. It's one of the things I like most about you actually. It's endearing."

I didn't know what to say to that. I really wanted to just stand up, wrap my arms around him, and kiss him for being so sweet to me. But I knew that that wasn't a possibility for so many reasons, so I just nodded.

"I'll call you later to check on you, okay?"

"Ummm…okay. Sure. I'll let you know if I'm going to be able to hang out with you guys tonight. I think it's just twisted so if I put ice on it and prop it up this afternoon, I should be able to see you later," I told him.

"I hope so, Bella. I wouldn't like it…you not being there." And with that, Edward shut my door and stepped away from the car. My mom backed out of the parking space and drove away. I looked back over my shoulder and saw that Edward stayed exactly where he was, watching me leave, until I couldn't see him anymore.

_That boy is going to be the death of me, I swear. _

* * *

For those of you who are reading On a Lonesome Road, you have my sincere thanks. For those of you who are letting me know through reviews and on my thread at Twilighted that you're enjoying this story, I am humbled by and grateful for your praise. Thank you so much for sticking with me so far!

I will be posting a teaser for chapter 5 next Friday, December 11th on my Twilighted thread at http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0. Please drop by to enjoy the teaser or anytime just to chat. You are all welcome!

Chapter 5 will be posted next Tuesday, December 15th.

As always, huge thanks to Ravyn, Delta, Gemma, and Nina!


	5. Complicated Relationships

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 5 – Complicated Relationships

It had been one week since my spectacular cymbal gymnastics and my resultant twisted ankle. Emmett had given me a 9.5 on my front flip. He'd said he'd had to deduct half a point for my dismount. Ah, Emmett, I had no choice but to love him. And I told him so when I went out with the gang that night. I had iced my ankle and kept it elevated until it was time to go, ensuring that I would be able to join my friends. It was our last chance to get together before school began, and I was determined not to miss it.

How could I even dream of not being there after everything that Edward had said to me that afternoon? As I thought back over our conversation, I couldn't help but let myself hope. It had sounded like he was trying to tell me something important. But I didn't think he'd ever actually gotten around to the point. Maybe he hadn't wanted to come right out and say it?

Was he trying to subtly let me know he was interested in me? I had thought so at the time. But how much of that came from what Edward had actually said, and how much was me projecting what I wanted onto him. Was it just me wishing so hard that it could be true, that he could actually want me the same way I wanted him?

I had to shake myself from that train of thought. In reality, none of my musings actually meant much. When I got down to the heart of the matter, all of my thinking and wishing and hoping was pretty meaningless. The bottom line was that Edward had a girlfriend. He and Tanya were still together. They had been together for ten months now.

And yet, as we'd talked with me clasped firmly in his arms, Edward had not sounded like a boy with an unwavering commitment to his current girlfriend. At least, he didn't sound that way to me. But was I imaging things?

_Why don't boys come with instruction manuals? _

_I don't know, but it would certainly make my life easier._

Was Edward thinking about breaking up with Tanya? If so, was he considering a break-up with her just because she was an annoying harpy? Or did he want to break up with her, because he really wanted to be with me?

Maybe I was letting myself get carried away. He was my friend, right? We spent a lot of time together. We had gotten close. He hadn't really said anything that a close friend wouldn't say, had he? We were just friends…at least, that's what we always said. Just because I wasn't happy only being friends didn't mean that he wasn't.

Or maybe he wanted us to be more than friends, but he didn't want to give up Tanya. Edward didn't seem to be the cheating type, but what if he was? What if he wanted to stay with Tanya but proposed that he and I fool around behind her back? Could I do that? Did I love him so much that I would accept an arrangement like that? Would I be willing to share him? Would I give up a little of my pride and dignity to have any little part of him I could? Could I be the other woman? I didn't let myself answer any of those questions, because I knew what my answers would be and didn't want to face it. I would think about it if, and only if, Edward ever broached the subject with me.

If I was hoping that seeing Edward that night would help me figure any of this stuff out, I was definitely disappointed. For someone who had made such a big deal out of saying he wanted me to be there, Edward seemed to do his best to ignore me. We had decided to go to Alice's cemetery again, and I was sure that we would all separate into couples as we usually did. But instead, Edward had kept Emmett and Jasper talking for most of the night. Rosalie and Alice had been a little miffed at first to have their boyfriends' attentions distracted from them. But eventually, they just gave in and decided if the boys were going to ignore us, then we could play that game too.

I was a little hurt by Edward's behavior, but I couldn't really put my finger on why I felt that way. It's not like he had done anything wrong. Why did I feel like Edward had to spend all of his time with me? Of course there would be times he would want to talk and joke with Emmett and Jasper too. It's not like he belonged to me, right?

_That's right. You just keep telling yourself that._

About an hour before the boys had to leave us for the night, we decided to take a walk through Alice's neighborhood. It was a short walk. We had just gone down Alice's street and up the next one, but by the time we'd gotten back to the cemetery, I was limping again. When I returned to my seat on one of the stone slabs, I leaned down to massage my ankle without thinking about it. It didn't really hurt that badly, it was just a little sore.

"Bella? Is your ankle bothering you?" Edward asked, taking the seat beside me. "I noticed that you were starting to limp."

_So now I suddenly exist again? Am I supposed to be all aflutter, because he's finally acknowledged my presence?_

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine," I said shortly. I was angry that he had ignored me all night. It didn't make sense, but I couldn't help it.

"You shouldn't have gone on that walk. I should have stayed here with you," Edward said softly. Reaching down, he grasped my ankle and lifted it carefully.

"Edward! What are you doing?" I asked him, startled by his actions.

"I'm taking care of your ankle for you. And I don't want to hear any arguments about it." He had propped my foot up in his lap, and his fingers were tenderly massaging my ankle. I didn't know why he thought I would argue. It felt too damn good for me to ever even think of complaining.

_Be honest. With Edward touching you like this, you can't think, period. You can't even remember what your own name is right now, can you? _

_No, but I seem to recall that it starts with a B. _

_Barbara? _

_Close enough._

We just stayed like that, Edward touching me, taking care of me, and me letting him, until it was time for the boys to leave. Neither of us said anything else to each other. I think we both sensed that there were things left unsaid between us, but we silently agreed that we weren't ready to say them…at least not yet.

When it was time to go, Edward simply released my foot, setting it gently back down; reached for my hand, giving it a quick squeeze; and then walked away from me. And all I could do was sigh and watch him go.

_Okay, Edward, the mixed signals are killing me here. _

_Yep, instructions would most definitely be helpful._

~*~

Our first week of high school was interesting, to say the least. Since we'd been hanging around the school before and after practice all summer long, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Edward and I didn't have any problems finding our way to all of our classes. The knowledge that we knew our way around was a relief to all of us, but this was especially true for Jasper. The rest of us were freshmen, so we were expected to look a little lost that first week. Jasper was a junior, so he felt extra pressure to appear cool at all times. Luckily, Emmett was in a lot of his classes and helped smooth Jasper's transition into Forks High.

I had settled into my life as a high school student with only a few bumps along the way. The hardest part for me was finally having to see Edward and Tanya together. I did my best to avoid them whenever I saw them walking hand in hand down the halls. I still had not formally met Tanya, and I wanted to keep it that way. I found it difficult to imagine having a cordial conversation with the girl who tried to probe Edward's tonsils with her tongue. Eww! The very thought made me shudder.

I had Alice or Rosalie or Edward in most of my classes, and when we found ourselves in the same class, we always sat together. Luckily, the classes I had with Edward did not also include Tanya. Look up the definition of the word awkward in the dictionary. I'm sure you'll find it defined as Edward in a class with Tanya sitting on one side of him and me sitting on the other. Thank God we'd been able to avoid that particular unpleasantness.

One class that I had without any of my friends was Earth Science. Everyone else had just taken the general science course required for freshmen. Earth Science was a little more advanced than the general course and had just sounded more interesting to me.

Everything had seemed relatively normal for the first couple of days of the class. Lauren Mallory sat in front of me. As I've said before, I had heard the stories about her father's marriages, and I had been in a class or two with her in middle school. But we'd never actually spoken much. So I was more than a little surprised the first day of class when she turned around and started chatting with me like we were old friends.

"Hi, Bella! It's good to see you. How was your summer?" she asked me.

"Ummm… Hi. My summer was great. How was yours?" I replied politely.

Lauren spent the remaining five minutes before class giving me a detailed synopsis of her summer. I was thankful that she hadn't required any more contributions to our conversation from me. I was having difficulty overcoming the shock that she was actually speaking to me. It's not like we'd ever traveled in the same social circles before.

If I had thought I was stunned that first day when Lauren spoke to me, it was nothing compared to the dumbfounded amazement I felt after the conversation we had four days later.

"Hi, Lauren. Did you have a nice evening?" I'd greeted her as I slid into my seat.

She turned in her seat to face me. "I had a wonderful evening! My father and the latest Mommy Dearest went out for the night. There was nothing in the fridge, so I ordered a pizza."

"Well, I guess it's nice to have a night to yourself every once in awhile," I said.

"Oh, I wasn't alone. The delivery guy was cute, so I invited him in," she told me.

I just stared at her blankly. I had no idea where she was going with this. Wouldn't the delivery guy get into trouble for just hanging out at a customer's house like that? "Oh. So what did you guys do?"

Lauren rolled her eyes at me and laughed, "I fucked him, Bella. What else would I do with him?"

I was never so glad to hear a bell ring in my life. I was sure that my mouth hung open through at least half the class. I couldn't figure out why someone like Lauren Mallory would have sex with a perfect stranger in the first place. She was pretty and could probably have almost any boy she wanted. And even more baffling to me was why she'd tell me about it. She barely knew me, and she'd just confessed something deeply personal to me like there was nothing out of the ordinary about it.

I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to analyze why she did it. But it was still on my mind when the six of us went out to the clearing Friday night. It was really bothering me. I didn't want to spread rumors about Lauren. The last thing I intended to do was gossip about her, but I was so confused by what she'd told me, I just felt like I needed help figuring her out. So, when the boys seemed wrapped up in discussing the upcoming football season, I seized the opportunity.

"Rosalie. Alice. I need your help with something," I said before filling them in on the story. But I hadn't noticed that the boys had stopped talking until I reached the end.

"Who are you talking about, Bella?" Emmett wanted to know.

I felt badly about letting everyone in on Lauren's secret, but then she had been so open with me about it…maybe she just didn't care. "Lauren Mallory. She sits in front of me in Earth Science."

Emmett started laughing loudly. "Snickers told you that story? Oh, well, that makes a whole lot more sense now."

"Snickers?" I asked completely confused.

"Sorry, Bella. You obviously don't know Lauren's history. Snickers is just a nickname," Emmett began to explain. "You see, Lauren has a certain kind of reputation. Given what she shared with you this week, I'm sure even someone as innocent as you can figure out just exactly what kind of reputation that is."

I blushed, and Emmett laughed again. "Yes, Emmett, I think I get it. But what's with the nickname?" I asked.

"Are you sure you want to know?" Emmett asked me. "To fully understand the nickname, you need the unvarnished tale, and it gets a little graphic."

I just nodded. I mean, I'd already heard about one of Lauren's sexcapades, how much worse could it be?

Emmett walked up to me and put his arm around my shoulders. "Bella, the story goes that Lauren was with some guy who wanted to try something new during oral sex." Emmett paused and looked down at me. "You do know what oral sex is, right? I don't need to explain it to you, do I?"

Emmett laughed again as my blush deepened. "Yes, Emmett, I know what oral sex is. Go on."

"Well, Lauren consented to this guy's request. She let him insert a candy bar partially inside her, before he proceeded to eat it and her at the same time. Kinda a two for one snack, if you will. She's been Snickers ever since."

I really wished I hadn't asked. I forced a chuckle as everyone else laughed, but I didn't really feel like joining in. I felt badly that I had said anything about Lauren. I had just added to her reputation. That hadn't been my intention, but it was certainly the result.

Honestly, I felt sorry for Lauren. I didn't understand why she did the things she did, but I felt instinctively that there must be a reason.

What would make a girl use her body like that? Did she just like the sex? Did she think it was a way to get boys to like her? Or was there some other reason that I just couldn't think of?

And why would she risk behavior like that in a small town like Forks, where the stories were bound to get out and the gossip would spread like wildfire?

I didn't have any answers; so eventually, I just pushed the questions to the back of my mind and forgot about them.

~*~

For someone who had until recently been content to ignore the world around me, I was finding high school to be completely confusing and disorienting. I was dealing with people in a way I never had before. I had all of these new and complicated relationships I was trying to figure out. My relationship with Edward, obviously, was the most baffling. But it was far from the only one I was trying to understand. I was still getting used to having friends and navigating my way through the social minefield that was high school.

Quickly I learned that it wasn't just individual relationships that I had agreed to become a part of by finally emerging from my shell, but collective ones as well. For by joining the band, I had unwittingly become yet another cog in the complicated relationship between the Forks High football team and the Bandsies. It was a bitter and resentful rivalry the likes of which I had never before experienced. We hated each other. And I was shocked to find that I was just as vehement a participant in this animosity as anyone else. There were reasons for the hostilities, of course. Darn good ones…at least on the Bandsie side…and to me, that was the only side that mattered.

You see, the football players were the kings of the school. Their sport brought the most money into Forks High, so they were coddled and accommodated and could basically do no wrong. This totally irritated the Bandsies to no end. We didn't make money for the school, so we were somehow considered to be second class citizens? How was that fair? Easy. It wasn't.

And before you begin to think that we Bandsies were simply paranoid, let me give you an example. There was an away game shortly after football season started. The football team, the cheerleaders, and the band all took separate buses to get to and from this game. Our team not only lost the game, they were completely humiliated. The final score was 56 to 0. The upstanding members of the Forks High football team proceeded to get so pissed about their loss that they trashed the locker room the other school had provided them. For this, our team didn't even get a slap on the wrist. Boys will be boys and all that bullshit. On the way home from the same game, one Bandsie switched seats while the bus was in motion. One of the school administrators was in the car behind the bus and saw it happen. As a result, the entire band was read the riot act. We had our butts chewed up one side and down the other. The superintendent of our school district even threatened not to bus us to away games anymore. If only he had followed through on that threat, it would have been the silver lining in this story as far as the Bandsies were concerned.

So as you might imagine, the Bandsies resented the Jocks. Why wouldn't we? This story was just one among many that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt the glaring double standard that existed.

But what was confusing to me was the way the Jocks felt about the Bandsies. To them, we were band geeks; we were nerds; we were social outcasts, and that gave them the right to hate us. The Jocks loathed the Bandsies, mocked us and everything we held dear, and generally made our lives a living hell. That wasn't the confusing part. Given the social hierarchy of high school, that was only to be expected. However, if the Bandsies couldn't show up for each and every football game, no matter the reason, the Jocks would throw a fit! They would rant and rave that we weren't being supportive.

Emmett had laughed when he'd heard about that one and joked that was exactly what we Bandsies lived for…to be their athletic supporters. Emmett never could pass up a good joke about a jock…the athletic equipment that protected the players' balls, not the players themselves. To Emmett a good jock joke was almost on par with a dick or a fart joke. Ah, the adolescent male sense of humor.

Wait. I've gotten off on a tangent. Sorry about that. Anyway, so the point is, the Jocks hated us, but they were upset if we weren't there to play "Louie Louie" for their adoring fans? Am I the only one who thought that was a little weird?

And as if our relationship wasn't complicated enough, there was Emmett's part in it.

Emmett had been a football player.

I'd been a little surprised when I'd found this out about him, but just looking at him made me wonder why it would surprise me. Emmett was built like a football player. Why wouldn't he have once played the game? I guess it had just never occurred to me, because he was now a Bandsie. Why would Emmett give up being a football god to slum it with the rest of us commoners?

"I blew out my knee," he told me when I asked him about it. "I was the most promising freshman on the J.V. team. Everyone said I should have been starting Varsity, and I would have if Coach ever took freshmen on the Varsity team. That isn't me just bragging either. He actually told me that himself. He apologized to me for holding me back, but he promised I'd only have to wait one more year to make it. I never did."

"What happened, Emmett?" I asked.

"About two months into the season, I took a bad tackle. I'd never felt pain like that in my life. It was excruciating. I felt like my entire right leg was on fire. I wasn't sure exactly what had happened to me until the trainer explained it on the way to the hospital. Apparently the guy on the opposing team thought my knee should bend in the opposite direction."

"Oh my God, Emmett! Did you have to have surgery?"

"I had three of them. Plus a ton of physical therapy. It took a long time and a lot of hard work, but I eventually got the knee back to fully functional. Here Bella, let me show you."

Emmett pulled up his pant leg, and I could see a mass of scars on his right knee. It certainly wasn't a pretty sight. I wasn't going to say anything, because I didn't want to hurt Emmett's feelings. But he must have seen something in my expression.

"Yeah, I know. My legs are not quite as attractive as they once were. Well, my left one is still awe-inspiring, but my right…"

I had to laugh. Only Emmett could make a joke like that when discussing something so obviously painful about his past.

"So, you had to give up football?"

"Yes. All of my doctors told me that I shouldn't ever play again. They told me that if I ever had another injury to the same knee, I might not be able to regain use of it again. I listened to them and quit. Of course, not everyone was happy about that decision," he said quietly.

I couldn't imagine what he meant. "Emmett, why would anyone want you to play again, knowing the risks? That just doesn't make any sense," I told him.

"Bella, it doesn't make sense to you because you're a rational and compassionate human being. Plus, you're a girl," he laughed.

"Okay, what does my sex have to do with anything?"

Emmett flashed a wicked grin at me, and I saw his eyes skim quickly down my body before again coming back up to meet my eyes. "Your sex? Nothing. Your gender, on the other hand, has a lot to do with this discussion."

I blushed. It seemed to be a permanent condition for me whenever Emmett was around. But it was just Emmett. I knew he couldn't help the innuendo. It was just a natural state of affairs for him to joke about anything and everything sexual. The boy's mind was constantly in the gutter. I tried to watch what I said around him, but it never seemed to help. Emmett could make anything sound dirty. It was his special talent.

I had long ago learned that Emmett didn't mean anything by it. I was certain he had no designs on me in that way. For one thing, he had Rosalie. Who would turn in Rose for someone like me? But more importantly, Emmett just didn't see me that way. Oh, he'd take the opportunity to make a provocative joke about me, but he really treated me like a little sister. He seemed to think I needed protecting, and he had decided to take the job on himself. I had to admit that I liked it. I'd always wanted a big brother, and now I felt like I had one.

"Women, Swan, do not understand football," Emmett continued.

"Excuse me, Emmett. Pause right there for just a moment. I hate to burst your bubble, but there are a lot of women who understand football. There have been female players on several high school teams across the country. There are tons of women who enjoy watching the game – they don't even need to have their boyfriends or their husbands explain the rules to them. And they even allow women to be commentators now. Don't bother denying it, I've seen them on television," I retorted.

"Swan, will you just listen here. I'm about to be brilliant."

"Uh huh," was my only answer. I wanted to see how deeply Emmett could dig himself into a hole this time.

"The reason that women cannot truly understand football is because the game is a model of warfare. We all know that women don't get the concept of war."

"Ummm… Emmett? You do know that women all over the world have served their countries in times of war, don't you? They've fought and died right alongside men."

"Alright, you have a point there. I'm sorry for being a sexist pig. Now, will you cut the Betty Friedan – Feminine Mystique crap please? Can I just make my point?"

I arched an eyebrow at him and replied slyly, "I don't know, can you?"

"Arrgh! You're driving me crazy, Swan. Okay, my point is that the football culture does not easily accept any type of weakness. You are there to protect and support your comrades-in-arms. If you can't or won't do that, then it is considered a betrayal of your teammates."

"And that's how your teammates saw you when you left the team, as a traitor? But I thought you were still friends with those guys?"

This is where Emmett complicated the relationship between the Jocks and the Bandsies. He had a foot in both camps. It was not that we ever doubted him. We knew that he was a completely committed and loyal Bandsie now. But he was also the sole Bandsie capable of being entirely comfortable around the football players too. I'd often seen him joking around with the guys on the team. Now it's true that Emmett's friendships with the Jocks seemed to be based mostly on flinging insults back and forth, but they were good-natured insults not truly meant to be taken seriously. And his friendships with at least some of his former teammates seemed to be genuine. They trusted him enough to still include him in discussions that were not meant for the ears of any non-Jocks. That was actually how we had found out about the locker room incident. It had been kept very hush hush. Nobody outside the team, the coaches, and the school officials involved were supposed to know about it. But Emmett's friends on the team had told him about it, and he'd told us.

"Oh yeah. I'm still friendly with James, Laurent, Felix, Demetri, and a bunch of the other guys. But things are different between us now. I was weak and let them down."

"You can't be serious, Emmett. They actually believe that crap?"

"Yes. They absolutely do believe that crap. But, I don't blame them entirely. They had help."

"What do you mean, Emmett? I don't understand," I said.

"Well, you see, Coach Maxwell was the one most upset about me not coming back. He argued with me about listening to 'a bunch of pansy doctors' and letting them weaken my commitment to my team."

"He didn't," I said aghast.

"He did. He railed at me for a good ten minutes, before I finally just got sick of his shit and walked out on him."

"You did, Emmett? Good for you," I told him.

"Yeah. But that wasn't the end of it. One of the guys on the team told me that Coach had a team meeting about me. He told them that I was quitting because I was weak. He said that I had the use of my knee back, and there was really no reason for me not to play anymore, other than the fact that I was a pussy who was afraid of being hurt again. He held me up to them as an example of what a weak link could do to a team. He said that they would now probably have a losing season, and it would be all my fault."

I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't get the words past my lips. I couldn't wrap my brain around what Emmett had just told me. Finally I managed to ask, "How can a teacher get away with saying something like that about a student? I would think he could get fired for something like that."

Emmett laughed. "He's not a teacher, Swan. He's a coach. Believe me, there's a huge difference. A speech like that is expected from a football coach. It's his job to motivate his team. And if making an example of me is motivational, well, you know. Who was I after all? I was an ex-football player, no longer valuable to them."

"That's just wrong, Emmett."

"That's just life, Bella."

I looked down at the ground. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I just felt so badly for Emmett. And I was angry at the injustice of it all.

I hadn't even noticed him close the distance between us until I felt myself wrapped up in his arms. Emmett gave the best bear hugs ever. It was difficult to stay sad for long when in Emmett's arms. He squeezed the melancholy right out of you.

"Why are you comforting me?" I asked him, wrapping my arms around him.

"Because you looked sad and like you needed a hug."

"But I'm only sad because of what happened to you, Emmett. Really, I'm the one who should be comforting you."

I felt his sigh whisper past my ear and his grip tighten around me ever so slightly.

"Believe me, baby girl…you are."

* * *

Ah, I hope you all love Emmett as much as I do! There will be much, much more of Emmett coming up in future chapters. Honestly, how can I resist writing for someone who's such a delicious combination of funny and sweet? Easy. I can't. ;)

For those of you who are continuing to read and review, thank you so much!

I will be posting a teaser for chapter 6 on Friday, December 18th. You'll find it on the On a Lonesome Road Twilighted thread at http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0.

Chapter 6 of On a Lonesome Road will be posted next Tuesday, December 22nd.

My eternal gratitude goes to Ravyn, Delta, Nina, and Gemma. Thank you for giving me all that good advice that I ignored.


	6. Happy Birthday?

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 6 – Happy Birthday?

"Isabella Marie Swan!" I looked over my shoulder across the band room, startled by Emmett's loud, booming voice calling my name.

"Holy shit, Emmett! You scared me to death! What do you want, and what's with my full name? Do you think you're my mother now?" I asked him as I felt my heartbeat slowly return to normal under my hand. He really had frightened me there for a minute.

"I have learned of a certain important event coming up in less than two weeks. My question is why didn't I hear this from you?"

Shit. I knew exactly what Emmett was referring to, but I decided to play dumb. It might work, right?

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, Emmett."

Emmett actually put his hands on his hips and stared at me with one eyebrow raised.

"Emmett, this is starting to get a little scary. You're actually beginning to look a little like my mother too."

He continued to stare at me in silence, adding his foot tapping to signal his impatience with me. And just to add to the pressure I was already feeling, the rest of my friends formed a loose semi-circle around Emmett and mirrored his appearance. All of my friends were now looking at me with angry and expectant expressions, except for Alice, of course. Although she stood in the semi-circle facing me, Alice wouldn't meet my eyes and looked guilty as sin.

I hung my head in defeat. "You told them, didn't you, Alice?"

"Well, I don't understand why you always want to keep it a secret, Bella," Alice said, finally glancing up at me.

"Bella…" Emmett was still waiting. He was actually going to make me say it.

"Fine, Emmett. My birthday is coming up. Are you happy now?"

Emmett's expression became smug. "We're making progress. But to answer your question…no, I'm not happy, yet."

I somehow knew that I wasn't getting off the hook that easily. I sighed and wondered just how much torture my friends were going to inflict on me before this all was over. "What'll it take to make you happy, Emmett?"

"I won't settle for anything less than a party," he informed me, and the rest of the gang nodded their approval.

"Okay, what are we talking here? The six of us at the clearing, a couple of presents, and a cupcake with a candle in it?"

_I could handle that._

Emmett was shaking his head before I'd even finished speaking. "Ain't gonna cut it, Swan. I said a P-A-R-T-Y, not some wussy little get together. What do we look like to you, Bella…cut-the-crusts-off finger sandwich eating, motherfucking pot of tea swilling, ladies who lunch?"

"First of all, Emmett, I do know how to spell the word party. Second of all, you're starting to channel Jay a bit. And since I'm not planning on becoming your Silent Bob, may I suggest you lay off the Kevin Smith movies for awhile?" Emmett had every single Kevin Smith movie memorized and had forced us all to have a marathon at his house one extremely rainy Friday. I think he considered it part of my corruption advancement. And I did have to admit that Emmett's movie marathon helped desensitize me to the word fuck. At least I didn't blush when anyone said it anymore.

Jasper cleared his throat and said, "If I may…" He paused looking at me.

"Yes?"

"Thank you, Bella. That's exactly the word I was waiting for from you." Jasper raised his voice to be heard over the noise of everyone getting ready for practice. "Everyone, may I have your attention?" When everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up at him expectantly, Jasper continued in his lilting accent, "Miss Isabella Swan has just graciously agreed to allow me to host a party in honor of her fifteenth birthday on September 13th. You are all invited to my home on that date to celebrate this momentous occasion."

As the sound of audible feminine sighs filled the room, I was finally able to shut my mouth and take my own steadying breath. I sincerely hoped there wasn't drool. That would be embarrassing.

"Umm, Jasper. You do realize that you just made practically every girl in this room swoon, right?" I asked him once I'd regained the power of speech.

When he just smiled at me roguishly, I had to admit to myself that even I felt a little dazed by Jasper now and again. Yes, he was my cousin's boyfriend, and yes, my heart was busy pining for Edward. But damn, that boy was sexy! And I was only human.

_Okay, there's nothing wrong with the occasional Jasper as Rhett Butler fantasy as long as you never admit it out loud…and as long as Alice never suspects._

"Alice, how do you resist that southern charm of his when he talks to you in that accent?" Rosalie asked her.

"Oh, that's easy…I don't," Alice smiled impishly and slipped her arm around Jasper's waist.

"Ew. Alice, thanks for sharing, but next time please don't," I told her.

"And just because you did it in that smooth, southern manner of yours, don't think I don't know when I've been tricked, Jasper Whitlock." I sighed heavily. "But since you've already announced it, I really have no choice now, do I? I guess I'm having a birthday party," I said in a resigned but very grumpy voice.

"You know, Bella, most women don't start hating their birthdays until they're at least thirty. You really have no excuse to be this much of a grump for at least another fifteen years," Rosalie laughed.

"Thanks, Rose. I'll take that under advisement."

Edward walked up to me, cupped my face in his hands and tilted my chin up so I would be forced to look into his eyes.

Like I had any desire or will to look anywhere else.

"Bella, we adore you and just wanted to do something nice for you. It was never our intention to make you unhappy or uncomfortable. If this party is going to make you miserable, we'll call it off right now. Just say the word, and I'll take care of it for you," Edward said softly, his thumb brushing gently across my cheek.

I reached up with both my hands and grasped his wrists lightly, wanting to touch him. My eyes never left his. He was just so unbearably sweet, and I would do anything for him, even withstand this party. "Edward, I'm sorry for my complaining. I don't take surprises well, and you know that being the center of attention is not my favorite thing. But I see now that you are only doing this because you care about me. Of course, I want the party."

Edward and I didn't move, but continued to stand like that, our eyes locked, until Emmett loudly cleared his throat. Edward dropped his hands, breaking my hold on him, and took a step away from me.

"Cullen, can I talk to you?" Emmett asked him.

"Sure, what's on your mind?"

"Maybe we should take a walk. We still have a few more minutes before practice." Emmett spun on his heal and walked out of the band room, not bothering to look back to see if Edward was following him. Edward glanced at the rest of us and shrugged before jogging to catch up to Emmett.

"What that was about?" I asked the remainder of my friends.

Jasper was the one who answered me. "Bella, I'm sure you'll find out…sooner or later."

~*~

The morning of my birthday, I didn't want to get out of bed. I refused to move or even to open my eyes. Maybe I could just sleep through it and avoid it. I could just hide out under the covers; nobody would think to look for me here.

That's when I suddenly felt as though I were being watched. With an uncomfortable dread, I slowly opened one eye and then jumped in surprise. Alice's face was approximately two inches from mine.

"Holy Christ, Alice!"

"Oh good, you're awake," she said in her chipper voice. I hated her chipper voice. I especially hated it as my morning wake-up call.

I groaned and pulled my pillow up to cover my head. "Go away, Alice."

"Gee, you're really not a morning person, are you," Alice giggled.

_It should be illegal to giggle this early in the morning._

"What are you doing here, Alice?" I snuck a peek from under my pillow at my alarm clock. "It's 8 a.m. on a Saturday!"

"It's your birthday, Bella," Alice said as if it were obvious why she was being so annoying.

"I know that, Alice. So shouldn't I be able to sleep in considering it's my birthday?"

"There's no time to sleep in! I'm taking you shopping to pick out an outfit for you to wear to the party tonight."

I groaned again and tried to burrow further under my covers. "I don't want to go shopping! Isn't this supposed to be my day?"

"Yes, it is your day, and Rosalie and I want to make this day all about you. So our gift to you is a full day of pampering. I'm buying your outfit today, and then Rose and I are going to spend the rest of the day giving you a make-over for the party tonight."

"So your idea of a gift is turning me into your own life-size Barbie? Alice, you know I'd much rather spend the whole day in bed with a good book! I was just getting ready to start Act II of Romeo and Juliet. And you're planning to drag me away from the balcony scene?"

"Bella, just how many times have you read Romeo and Juliet? Twenty? Well, surely you've read it enough times to have the balcony scene memorized by now. Besides, if you're seriously jonesing for some Romeo, we'll just pop in the DVD later at my house. A little Leonardo DiCaprio will distract you nicely while Rose and I do your hair and make-up."

"You're not going to let me get out of this, are you?"

"Nope. You're all mine today. You might as well give in now. I'm a force of nature, you know."

"I know, Alice," I sighed as I threw the covers off me and heaved myself out of bed. "Believe me, I know.

~*~

Okay, so the Alice and Rosalie torture hadn't been too bad. I liked the skinny jeans and cornflower blue sweater that Alice had chosen for me. We'd even done a Romeo and Juliet double feature of sorts, watching Shakespeare in Love after first getting our Leo fix. When both movies were over, Alice and Rose were not quite done with me yet. Alice suggested we put in Titanic while they were finishing up and then laughed at the expression on my face. She patted my hand and assured me that it wouldn't take another three and a half hours before I was ready. Twenty minutes later, I was pronounced fit to be seen in public.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I had to admit that Alice and Rosalie knew what they were doing. The sweater was fitted and hugged my curves. The deep blue color and v-neck accentuated the creaminess of my skin. My hair fell in shimmering mahogany waves around my shoulders and down my back. And after all the time it took the two of them to apply my make-up, I was afraid that I would end up looking like a circus clown, but I didn't. The make-up was there, but they had given me a very natural look. I actually meant it when I hugged them and told them I loved what they'd done for me.

"Alright, Bella. Your instructions are to sit here and watch the movie until Rose and I are ready. We won't be long. Tonight is about you, not us. Under no circumstances are you allowed to touch your hair or your face," Alice ordered.

"And don't lean back and wrinkle your sweater," Rosalie added.

So I sat stiffly on the edge of Alice's bed, afraid to move and undo their handiwork. After half an hour of my best impersonation of a statue, they finally declared that we were ready to go. Rosalie had called Emmett's cell before she and Alice had turned their attention to themselves, and we found him sitting in his jeep in front of Alice's house impatiently waiting to drive us to Jasper's. I saw him glance up at us and then do a double take as we walked toward him.

"Damn it, ladies! You don't make it easy on a man. How am I supposed to keep the undesirables away from you three all night with you looking like that?"

"Let me translate Emmett-speak for you, girls. That was his form of a compliment. Thank you, baby." Rosalie leaned over and gave Emmett a quick kiss before buckling her seatbelt.

"I really don't think you'll have any problems with undesirables tonight, Em," I laughed. "I mean, you and Rosalie will be joined at the hip as usual, and Jasper will be there to protect Alice."

"And you don't think you'll need any protection? Bella, you're the one I'm most worried about. All the guys know you're single. I know you won't believe me when I tell you that I've heard plenty of talk about how they'd love to get their hands on you, but it's true. The way you look tonight…well, I'm going to have to keep a close eye on you, my dear, and I'm going to have Jasper do the same."

I noticed that Emmett didn't say anything about having Edward look out for me. Something was going on between those two, but I hadn't figured out what it was yet. They had been barely speaking to each other since the day Jasper announced my party. The two of them had still been missing by the time practice began that day, and they hadn't shown up until it was half over. They had walked in within seconds of each other, Emmett looking angry and Edward upset. I had tried asking each of them later what was wrong, but neither would tell me.

Edward had also seemed to be doing his best to avoid me lately. He would talk to me when all of us were together, but if I caught him alone, he always seemed to find an excuse to leave me. And it wasn't simply an emotional distance I'd detected in Edward recently; he was careful to keep a physical distance as well. I don't think he'd been within three feet of me in the last ten days. I didn't know what was wrong with him, but if he needed space from me, I'd give it to him…no matter how much it hurt me.

We were only about five minutes from Jasper's now. Jasper's family lived in the subdivision where all the most affluent residents of Forks resided. Even small towns usually have one or maybe two such places, usually with Estates or Hills or Terrace as part of their names. Definitely the other side of the tracks from where I lived. As the Chief of Police and a kindergarten teacher, my parents made enough to pay the bills and to keep our shabby two-bedroom house, but I would never find myself living in Jasper's neighborhood. Of course, I was fine with that. I didn't really mind the way we lived. My parents took care of my needs, and I never felt deprived of anything.

The sound of Emmett's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"Bella, before we go in, I should probably tell you something."

"What is it, Emmett?"

"You're finally going to get to meet Tanya tonight. Edward's bringing her with him."

I felt the same way I had after I'd done my front flip and landed flat on my back, like no matter how many gasping breaths I took, I just could not get enough air into my lungs. I was surprised when I realized I wasn't actually hyperventilating, but then why would I be? I hadn't actually had the wind knocked out of me. It had been an emotional blow and not a physical one this time.

I looked at Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett and noticed it was too dark in the jeep for them to see my momentary lapse in control. I'm sure the blood had drained from my face, but they wouldn't be able to tell that either. I just had to force myself to say something to keep them from finding out that I'd just been crushed once again.

"Good. It's about time we all finally meet the girl who's stolen our Edward's heart." There. I had never had to say anything so difficult in my entire life, but it should definitely keep everyone from discovering my secret. Alice's hand grasped mine in the darkness and squeezed it tightly. Well, Alice knew, but then she'd known all along.

I took courage from Alice's hand on mine, drew a deep breath to make sure my lungs were actually working properly, and opened the door to step out of the jeep. Emmett was standing beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"Come on, baby girl. We're going to make sure you have the best birthday party ever," he said, dropping a brotherly kiss on top of my head.

"Sure, Emmett. You know me…I'm a party animal."

Emmett just laughed, "That's the spirit, Bella. I just may rub off on you yet." He led me up the front steps and into Jasper's house.

A few people had arrived and were milling around. Jasper already had music playing, but it was muted so everyone could easily make conversation. Jasper met us just inside the door. A good host he may be, but I was sure that he hadn't been hanging around the entrance just to greet random guests. And even though I was the guest of honor, I knew he wasn't there for me either. Jasper only had eyes for Alice. He went straight to her and wrapped his arms around her, dipping his head to kiss her.

"Geez, Jasper! Can't you keep your hands off the pixie for two minutes," Emmett chuckled.

Jasper broke his kiss with Alice just long enough to look up at Emmett. "No," he said before returning his lips to Alice's.

I patted him gently on the arm, not wanting to disturb them. "That's okay, Jasper. We know our way around. Just promise me that you two will eventually move out of the doorway. I think that may be a fire code violation or something." Jasper took one hand from Alice's waist and waved it in my direction, indicating that he'd heard me. Rosalie, Emmett, and I couldn't help but laugh as we left them behind us.

It didn't take long for most of the band to arrive. Some of them had brought non-Bandsie friends along. Jasper had told everyone the more, the merrier. I'd seen my section leader Eric Yorkie, talking with Mike Newton and Tyler Crowley in one corner of Jasper's basement – well Jasper called it a basement, but it was fully finished and better furnished than my entire house. I had classes with both Mike and Tyler. They both seemed like nice guys, and I was glad they had come. I'd also noticed Jessica Stanley and Lauren both flirting their way through the crowd. I decided it would probably be best to avoid them if I could. They weren't here for me anyway; they were 'troling for man meat. I shook my head and laughed at myself. I'd been spending too much time with Emmett obviously.

An hour into the party, Edward and Tanya still hadn't arrived. I had finally let myself relax, thinking that they weren't going to come after all, when suddenly I noticed them walking hand in hand down the basement stairs. I turned around quickly and headed as far away from them as I could possibly get.

I tried to nonchalantly keep tabs on them while always making sure to maintain my distance. It made me feel a little sick to see the way Tanya clung to Edward. She constantly had her hands on him. She pulled him behind her wherever she went. She would stand on her tiptoes to give him quick kisses, which he accepted. Seeing him kiss her was too much for me. If he could be happy with her, then I should try to find my own happiness with someone else.

A deep voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts. "Wow. You look really serious for someone who's at a party. Did you find your boyfriend cheating on you or something?"

I looked up and saw James Gardner, captain of the football team, standing beside me. He was tall and very muscular, of course. His blond hair was just long enough for him to pull back and secure in a ponytail at the nape of his neck. His eyes were dark, and they looked almost black in the dim light. He was handsome, but there was something about him that I found intimidating. "Umm…no. It's nothing like that. I'm not seeing anybody right now actually."

"Well, that's a shame. You should do something about that soon. Maybe tonight. I'm James, by the way," he told me, reaching out his hand.

"Bella," I said, placing my hand in his.

"It's very nice to meet you, Bella." He didn't release my hand, but brought it up to his chest, pulling me closer to him. "Do you think we could spend a little time together, get to know each other a little better?" James brought his other hand up to touch my face.

"Gardner! How the hell are you?" Emmett was suddenly there, slapping James none too gently on the back.

"I was doing much better before you got here, McCarty," James said through his teeth.

"I'm really sorry to interrupt, but I need to borrow the birthday girl. Hey, I think your girlfriend was looking for you just a minute ago."

Emmett smoothly extracted me from James' grasp and led me in the opposite direction.

"Emmett! That really wasn't necessary. I can take care of myself you know," I said firmly.

"Bella, there was no way I was going to stand by and watch Gardner put his hands all over you. That guy is the biggest predator at Forks High. He has a girlfriend, Victoria, but that doesn't keep him from trying to seduce every girl he can. And the younger and more innocent they are, the better he likes it. You are just exactly his type. You need to watch out for him. When he sets his sights on someone, he usually doesn't give up easily."

"Don't you think you're being a little overprotective? I certainly know better than to drop my panties just because the captain of the football team looks at me."

"You'd best not be dropping your panties for anyone, baby girl. You're way too young," Emmett said seriously.

"Yes, and I'm sure you tell Rosalie exactly the same thing." I glanced at Emmett with a gleam of mischief in my eyes and a smirk pulling at the corner of my mouth.

"Quit sassing me and listen up. I was actually looking for you. I have a little job for you."

"A job? Emmett what are you talking about?"

"Jasper and I are going on a little mission. We need a lookout. You're cute and perky; nobody will suspect you're up to something."

"Aw, Emmett. You're turning me to a life of crime on my birthday?"

"You're better off with Jasper and me then left here alone with James hunting for you."

"Okay, what are my chances of getting caught if I do this?"

"None, Swan. This is me we're talking about. I don't get caught, and neither do my accomplices."

"Fantastic, Em. That's just what I've always dreamed of being when I grow up, an accomplice. Thank you for giving me my first big break."

"You're welcome, Swan. I'm sure you'll have plenty of experience by the time I'm done with you."

"You know, Emmett…you really know how to comfort a girl. That's just exactly what I wanted to hear."

"Would you quit yapping? Are you up to the challenge or not, Swan? Let me know now." We had met Jasper at the front door, and he'd silently followed behind us as we walked outside. I didn't think Jasper would get involved in anything too serious.

"Alright. I'm in. What are we doing?"

"You're acting as lookout, Swan. I told you that. You don't need to know what Jasper and I are doing."

"And why not, may I ask?"

"Holy hell, woman, but you're nosy! I have two words for you, Bella. Plausible deniability."

"So I'm like the President now or something," I asked.

"No, Swan. You're the Police Chief's daughter. You're also a very shitty liar. Therefore, you're on a need to know basis."

Jasper and Emmett pulled a couple of sacks from the back of Emmett's jeep, and we walked a few blocks in silence before stopping in front of a dark house.

Emmett ran around to the back of the house. Jasper put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Stay here, Bella. If you see any cars approaching, yell for Emmett and me and duck behind the bushes." Then he left me by the side of the road and followed Emmett.

I was feeling a little paranoid, jumping at the slightest noise. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins and my heart pounding. I sat in the bushes for what felt like hours, but I'm sure was only a few minutes. Suddenly Emmett and Jasper were pulling me to my feet and hugging me in turn.

"You did great, kid. Nobody will suspect a thing," Emmett grinned at me.

"Could we leave the scene of the crime before we celebrate please," I asked.

"Good point, Bella. Let's go," Jasper said, grabbing my hand. Emmett grabbed my other one, and they ran with me between them.

When we made it to the next block, we slowed to a walk, and I was able to catch my breath. "Okay guys, now that we're in the clear, do you mind filling me in? Whose house was that, and what did you do to it?"

"That, Bella darlin', was the beautiful home of Coach Maxwell," Jasper informed me.

"No," I said in disbelief.

"Yes," Emmett replied. "Don't worry; we didn't do any permanent damage. It was all harmless teen prank stuff, I assure you. We just wrote things like dick and cocksucker on his windows with soap."

"I may have decided that his trees would look better decorated with toilet paper," Jasper added.

"Oh, and while Jasper was busy with the trees, I kinda…" Emmett paused and looked at me sheepishly.

"You kinda did what, Emmett? What did you do?"

"I kinda…took a piss on his air conditioner."

Jasper and I looked at each other and burst into laughter. "Emmett, only you. You know that's why I love you, right," I told him.

"Yeah, I know. By the way, this was Jasper's and my gift to you."

"To stand lookout for a couple of vandals?" I arched an eyebrow at him.

"No, baby girl. We allowed you to help us smite the common enemy of all Bandsies. You are a bona fide heroine, my dear."

They were both still standing on either side of me, and Emmett leaned down and kissed my cheek while Jasper followed suit and kissed my other one. "Happy Birthday, Bella," they both told me together.

And I was surprised to realize that I truly was happy. It amazed me that my pseudo-adventure with the guys could make me so giddy. It really was fun to be just a little bad. I'd have to remember that.

The boys and I talked and laughed and teased one another all the way back to Jasper's. I didn't think anything could possibly bring me down from my euphoria. That was until I looked for Edward and realized that he was already gone.

He had left without even saying hello or goodbye to me.

He had left without even wishing me Happy Birthday.

* * *

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Hmm... The plot thickens. What's up between Emmett and Edward? And does Emmett have a true reason to warn Bella about James? Or is he just being his normal, overprotective, big brother type self? I'd love to hear your theories. :)

I am grateful to all of you who are reading this story. Thanks for sticking with me. Believe me, there is much more story to tell. And I am also deeply appreciative of everyone who has taken time to review. It means so much to me to hear what you think of On a Lonesome Road.

And as always my heartfelt thanks goes out to Gemma, Nina, Delta, and Ravyn.

I will be posting a teaser for chapter 7 on my Twilighted thread at http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0 on Friday, December 25th. Yes, I realize this is Christmas Day. Lucky for you all, I have no life. ;)

Chapter 7 will be posted next Tuesday, December 29th.


	7. Emmett's Latent Tendencies

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 7 – Emmett's Latent Tendencies

The Friday after my birthday, I knew something was wrong as soon as I entered the band room before practice. People were clumped together in small groups, whispering. I caught a few stray glances cast in my direction, but whenever I looked back, whoever had looked at me would drop their eyes.

_Okay, something weird is going on._

My stomach started to twist into knots. And when Alice and Rosalie swooped down on me and pulled me into a corner with concerned expressions on their faces, the knots in my stomach tightened. I wanted to know what was happening, but a part of me really wished I could remain in blissful ignorance.

"Alright, guys. Just give it to me. What's going on?" I asked them. I always preferred my bad news straight, with no softening-the-blow build-up.

"There's a rumor going around about you," Alice began. She stopped and lowered her eyes.

"And about Emmett and Jasper," Rosalie finished when it became apparent that Alice wouldn't.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared. Had someone seen us at Coach Maxwell's house after all? "What about us?"

"Well, a few people at the party noticed the three of you leaving together," Alice said and then paused with a sigh. "And a few others saw the three of you coming back about forty-five minutes later, holding hands and looking like you'd been 'up to something.'" Alice did the air quotes thing to emphasize the last part.

When neither of them jumped in with any more information, I thought I would tear my hair out. "And?" I asked, completely exasperated.

"And so, the idiots from group A have been discussing things with the morons from group B over the last week, and they've come up with asinine theory C," Rosalie told me.

"Which is?" I was really worried that if word got out about Coach Maxwell's house, the three of us could be in trouble with the police.

_Yeah, being handcuffed by my father was absolutely last on my list of things I wanted to do with my life._

"They're saying that you left the party with Emmett and Jasper to fool around…with both of them," Alice confessed.

"Excuse me, Alice, but could you repeat that?" I couldn't have possibly heard that correctly. That was so NOT the direction my mind was going in.

"The story is varying in degrees from you just made out with them, to you gave them both blowjobs, to you let them take turns fucking you," Rosalie baldly stated.

That's one thing I really liked about Rose, she delivered bad news just the way I liked it.

I couldn't believe it! How could anybody believe such ridiculous lies? Emmett and Jasper were two of my closest friends. Emmett was like a brother to me. Jasper was dating my cousin. I suddenly felt sick as the thought struck me that Alice or Rosalie might believe any of this was true.

"Alice, Rosalie…you guys don't believe any of this, do you? Please tell me that you don't think I could do that."

"Of course, we don't believe it, Bella," Alice said. "We know you too well to ever believe you'd do anything to hurt Rose and me. We also know Emmett and Jasper would never cheat on us."

"That's true. But in addition to that, the boys told us what they were planning weeks ago. I even helped Emmett shop for supplies," Rosalie added.

"So nobody suspects that we were actually the ones who vandalized Coach Maxwell's house?" I asked in a whisper.

"Nope. The rumors about the vandalism are that it was either done by some rival team or a few of our own players who aren't happy with Maxwell at the moment," Rosalie told me.

"Yeah, the one good thing about being a Bandsie is that everyone thinks we're too goody-two-shoes to do stuff like that," Alice giggled.

"How can you giggle at a time like this, Alice? Probably half the school by now has heard I had some form of sex with Emmett and Jasper last Saturday!" I exclaimed. "Where are the boys? Do they know what's going on?"

Rosalie nodded. "I called Emmett. He and Jasper are both on the way. Emmett is absolutely livid! It's not going to be pretty when he gets here."

I felt the tears stinging my eyes, threatening to spill. It was just so unfair that people could make up outright lies about you and spread them around as fact!

Alice put her arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. "Don't worry, Bella. Nobody who really knows you would believe this shit."

Just then, Edward entered the band room and looked around. Seeing the three of us standing in the corner, he stuffed his hands into his pockets and walked off in the opposite direction. He had been avoiding me all week. I wondered if this was the reason why.

"Are you sure about that, Alice?" I sighed. "Excuse me, girls. There's someone I need to set straight."

Squaring my shoulders, I strode across the room, grabbed Edward by the hand, and pulled him along behind me. I knew I was causing a scene. I knew that this was only adding fuel to the gossip fire. But my reputation was in ruins at the moment anyway, so what did it really matter?

_Well, at least all the guys they're accusing you of screwing are gorgeous. _

_Yeah, I may be a slut, but at least I'm a slut with good taste._

When we reached a deserted hallway, I stopped and let go of his hand. I turned to look at Edward, but he still wouldn't return my gaze. He was staring at the wall over my right shoulder. His hands had returned to his pockets. His shoulders were hunched.

"What is it, Bella? I really should be getting ready for practice."

"Edward, please look at me. I can't stand it when you won't look at me," I begged.

He shifted his eyes from the wall and finally met mine. I took a deep breath and asked him, "So, you've heard the rumors?"

"Yeah. I've heard them," he said angrily.

Uh oh. Edward did not sound at all happy. This was not good.

"Edward, they're not true! I didn't do anything with Emmett and Jasper!" I exclaimed. I realized then that I had unconsciously clasped my hands in front of me, pleading with him to believe me.

"I know that, Bella! How could you ever think that I would believe that crap?"

"You never believed it, but then why…" I trailed off confused. I couldn't understand why he'd been acting so strangely if it wasn't a reaction to the rumors.

"I noticed that you and James Gardner were looking pretty cozy at the party before Emmett pulled you away. Did you hook back up with James after the three of you got back from trashing Maxwell's place?"

"Wait, you knew about Maxwell's?" I asked him.

"Sure," he said, "it's got Emmett written all over it. And it's just like him to drag you along on one of his stunts," the anger had returned to Edward's voice. So he was mad at Emmett? But what else had he been saying? I had been distracted by the fact that he knew about the vandalism.

"You didn't answer my question, Bella."

Then I remembered; he had asked me about James. "Oh. No, I didn't hook up with James at all. He tried to hit on me, but Emmett rescued me. Not that I needed rescuing, I could have gotten rid of James all by myself."

I looked into Edward's eyes and saw surprise and…was that…hope? "So you're not interested in Gardner?" I shook my head, and a smile broke across Edward's face. He took my hand and said quietly, "We'd better get back. We don't want to be late."

_Okay, this boy's mood swings are giving me whiplash._

We didn't say anything else as we hurried back to the band room. Our paces slowed, however, as we approached. A booming voice could be heard coming through the closed doors before us. Emmett.

"I don't know how this kind of shit gets started, but it needs to stop! Now! Bella is a good friend of Jasper's and mine, but she's more than that. She's like a little sister to both of us. We would never disrespect her in any way, and we don't like it when we find out that she's being disrespected by others. If anyone feels the need to discuss the events of Saturday night any further, Jasper and I will be more than happy to discuss them with you…personally. You got me? We good? Okay."

Edward turned to me and grinned. I couldn't help but smile back. Hopefully the threat of physical violence from Emmett and Jasper would be enough to kill these rumors before they spread too far. I thought it would help that Alice and Rosalie wouldn't act any differently around me. It would make the gossips wonder about the truth of the rumors if Emmett's and Jasper's girlfriends were still my best friends. I took a deep breath and hoped the worst was over. And I made sure to drop Edward's hand before we walked back through the door.

~*~

After the drama of my birthday and its aftermath, things settled down. The novelty of the new school year wore off. All of us were busy with school and homework, with friends and family, and with band. The days slipped by quickly, and before we knew it, it was almost Halloween.

Mr. Johnson had announced that we had an away game on Halloween night. As you can probably imagine, we were less than thrilled. It sucked that we had to give up the coolest holiday of the year to go cheer on a bunch of jerks. Of course, we were too old to go trick-or-treating, but we weren't too old to dress up and have a Halloween party. Emmett, in particular, was bummed.

The only thing that softened the blow was Mr. Johnson's announcement that we wouldn't be required to wear our uniforms on Halloween. He told us that, in honor of the holiday, he would allow us to wear Halloween costumes to the game. He only had two requests. The first was that the costumes be appropriate for a school function…in other words, nothing too sexy, kinky, or vulgar. I looked over at Emmett and actually laughed out loud when I saw him stick out his bottom lip in a pout. I tried to cover the laugh with a cough, but I was sure nobody bought it. The second request was that we wear something that was easy to march, sit, and play in. They sounded like reasonable requests to me. Emmett, on the other hand…

"Man this blows! No party, and now this? The best thing about Halloween is having the girls show a little skin…not you Bella…and now we don't even get that," he complained as we discussed the news around the campfire on Friday night.

"Gee, I'm so disappointed that both you and Mr. Johnson have decided I can't show skin on Halloween, Emmett. I'd been planning on wearing my favorite halter, mini-skirt, fishnets, and hooker heels," I retorted sarcastically.

Emmett, Jasper, and Edward exchanged horrified looks. "That's not even funny, Bella," Emmett said with a shudder.

"Thanks, guys. You three really know how to stoke a girl's ego. If I'm so hideous, maybe I should just wear a paper bag over my head!"

"You know we didn't mean it like that, baby girl," Emmett said, coming over to me and wrapping me up in a bear hug. "You're a beautiful girl. We just don't like the idea of you dressing that way, Bella. You already attract enough male attention around here without any of that stuff."

"Oh yeah. I practically have to beat them away with a stick," I scoffed.

"Bella, you would be surprised by just how many guys around here are secretly in love with you. It's just none of them are man enough to admit it…yet." Was I imaging things? Or had I just seen Emmett glance in Edward's direction before focusing his attention back to me? "Of course, I don't worry about them as much as I worry about the guys who would just love to get in your pants…James, for instance."

"Please, Emmett. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. I haven't even seen James since the night of my party. I was just a momentary distraction for him because he was bored."

"Just because you haven't seen him, Bella, doesn't mean he hasn't seen you," Emmett said soberly.

"So does anybody know what they're going to wear for Halloween?" Edward asked.

Alice started bouncing up and down and said excitedly, "I thought Jasper and I could match costumes. I could be Juliet, and he could be Romeo. Or I could be Maid Marian, and he could be Robin Hood. Or I could always go with the obvious and be Tinker Bell, and he could be…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa there, sweetheart," Jasper interrupted her. "I love you with all my heart, but I wear tights for no one…not even you, darlin'."

The rest of us laughed.

"Ummm… Alice? I just may have an idea for you that Jasper could live with too," I told her.

"What is it?" Jasper asked.

"I'll tell you later," I promised.

"I'm not sure I trust that mischievous look in Bella's eyes, Jasper. If I were you, I wouldn't let her and the pixie plot without you being present," Emmett laughed.

"I wouldn't laugh just yet if I were you, baby," Rosalie purred as she leaned in to kiss Emmett. "I most definitely have plans for our costumes."

"I'm not worried, Rose. You couldn't embarrass me if you tried. Bring on the tights, woman." Emmett pulled her back into another kiss.

"What are you going to be, Bella?" Edward asked me.

"I don't have the slightest idea. You?" I asked.

"Not a clue."

"Oh well, I guess we can surprise each other on Halloween then."

~*~

We were to meet in the band room around five o'clock on Halloween night. I got there about half an hour early. I was nervous about my costume and was hoping to be one of the first ones there. I didn't know why, but I was just more comfortable already being there when everyone else arrived. I wasn't the first one there though. I could hear music coming from the band room. The piano. Edward.

He was playing Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." He didn't hear me come in, so I stood behind him quietly, so I could listen. But my desire to soak in the beautiful music he played was not the only reason I didn't make my presence immediately known. I also stood there in silence behind him, because I was a little stunned by Edward's costume.

Suddenly, he stopped playing. He must have sensed me there. "Jay Gatsby, I presume," I said softly.

Edward pushed the piano bench back and turned to me. He was wearing a black tweed suit and black dress shoes. His pants were wide legged, with cuffs at the bottom and pleats down the front. His shirt was a pale green, and he had a tie in the same color with light blue diagonal stripes. The pale green brought out the color of his eyes, making them more intensely emerald than I'd ever seen before. He also wore a black fedora set at a jaunty angle to one side, covering his bronze hair.

His eyes widened when he saw me. "Daisy?" Edward asked tentatively.

"Yes," I laughed.

I had on a black sheath dress held up with half-inch wide straps and falling just below my knees. The dress was covered in long black fringe that fell in overlapping layers that swayed when I walked. I was wearing a long strand of pearl beads knotted near the bottom. Long, black, satin gloves, black hose, and black Mary Jane pumps with low, wide heels completed the outfit. Covering my long, brown hair entirely was a soft, blonde wig cut into a flapper-style bob.

"Emmett's going to kill you. He's going to say that you look too damn sexy for your own good."

"And what do you say, Edward?" I asked nervously.

"I say…that you look beautiful."

I blushed. I was thrilled with the intensity of Edward's eyes on mine, but it was too much. I suddenly felt shy and confused and just…overwhelmed by him.

_Why does he do this to me? _

_Because you are unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. _

_Oh yeah, that's why._

"There are three huge problems with your costume though," he said.

I was horrified. There was something wrong with the way I looked? "What are they?"

"Well, first I don't like you as a blonde. I miss your hair, the dark-brown waves around your shoulders."

"Yes, but Daisy Buchanan was blonde."

"That's the second problem. You're nothing like Daisy. She was spoiled and selfish and immature…all things that you're not."

"But isn't that what Halloween is all about, trying on a different character for the night?" I asked.

"True. But then there's the final problem."

"Which is?" I was curious.

"It's the end of October in Washington, and you're wearing a dress with tiny straps. You're going to catch pneumonia…if you don't freeze to death first."

I indicated the black fabric that was folded over one arm. "I brought a shawl to cover up with once we get into the stands."

Edward looked at the scrap of black fabric dubiously. "Bella, I don't think that's going to keep you very warm."

"I'll be fine," I told him. "It's only for one night."

"It would make me feel better if you'd take my jacket once we get settled in for the game."

"But then you'll be cold, Edward," I argued.

"I'll be alright. At least I have a long-sleeved shirt on, which is more than I can say for you."

"Well…" I hated to take his jacket from him. But I dreaded how cold I would be tonight. And I would never have admitted this, but I was excited by the idea of wearing his jacket. It would be like I belonged to him somehow. Like he'd marked me as his.

_But you don't belong to him. Tanya does. _

I pushed that thought away, looked up at him, and smiled, "Thank you, Edward. It's very gentlemanly of you to offer. I'd love to accept…if my shawl doesn't keep me warm enough."

"I'll be keeping an eye on you, Bella," he warned. "At the first sign of shivering or blue lips, you're taking my jacket and no arguments."

Other people had begun to arrive. I saw Jasper and Alice walk in and chuckled to myself. Alice was wearing a long dove-gray dress with long sleeves. The white muslin cuffs on those sleeves matched the long bib apron and starched cap that covered her hair. Jasper was in a Confederate uniform. He was her soldier, and she was his nurse. They made the perfect Civil War couple.

"Was that your idea?" Edward asked me.

"Yep," I replied.

"Care to tell me what put that idea in your head?"

"Nope," I laughed.

"Alice, Bella, boys…I need your help," Rosalie's voice called from just outside the band room.

"Rose, what is it?" Jasper asked as we all met her in the hallway.

"I got Emmett this far, but he ducked into the practice room and won't come out." She indicated the door to the small room to the right of the band room door.

Rosalie was dressed in a navy blue pantsuit with a man's white dress shirt and red tie beneath it. Her long, blonde hair was coiled into a bun at the nape of her neck, so from the front, it looked short.

I raised an eyebrow and asked, "Rose? What did you do to poor Emmett?"

"You'll see." She knocked on the door and said, "Baby, everyone is here to support you. We love you. Nobody's going to laugh."

The door opened and Emmett stepped out. He was in a burgundy dress with a string of pearls around his thick neck and patent leather pumps on his feet. Rosalie had even put him in a long, curly, black wig and somehow convinced him to let her put him in make-up. All of us took one look at Emmett and erupted into laughter.

"So nobody is going to laugh, huh?" Emmett huffed.

He tried to turn around and retreat back into the practice room, but I wouldn't let him. I grabbed his hand and pulled with all my might to make him stay. "Aw, Emmett. It's okay. We were just surprised, that's all. So…are you guys supposed to be anyone in particular?"

"No," Rosalie said. "I just thought it was about time everyone realized who actually wears the pants in this relationship."

"Very funny, Rose," Emmett sneered.

"Rosalie? Where exactly did you find pumps in Emmett's size?" Edward asked.

"Oh, I have my resources."

"Yes, you do, Rose dear. You're a very resourceful girl," Alice congratulated her, patting her on the back.

"You helped her, didn't you, Alice," Emmett stated flatly.

Alice nodded and that set off another round of laughter through the rest of us.

"Well, Emmett…you did say to bring on the tights." Jasper tried to say with a straight face but didn't quite succeed.

"I said tights, Jasper. Not pantyhose."

~*~

Beginning in the third quarter of every football game, Mr. Johnson released us by class and allowed us 15 minutes for bathroom breaks or to visit the concession stand. Emmett and Jasper were always released before us, because the freshmen were always called last. We were sitting together in the center of the stands when Emmett and Jasper left. We couldn't play while the game was actually going on. So, Mr. Johnson allowed us to move around and talk to our friends during the times when we weren't required to play. We always chose a central location, so when we were needed, we could all hurry back quickly to our sections.

Jasper returned within 15 minutes, but Emmett was not with him.

"Hey Jasper, where's Emmett?" I asked him.

"We got separated. Some guys Emmett knows stopped him on our way to the concession stand to mock and ridicule him, and he waved me on. I never saw him again. I'm sure he'll be back any minute."

The sophomores were released. Fifteen minutes later, all of them were back. But Emmett was still missing. We were all starting to get a little concerned about him.

The freshmen were finally called. Alice, Edward, Rosalie and I were determined to find Emmett. We decided to head toward the concession stand, since that was where he'd been heading when Jasper last saw him. He wasn't there. We decided to head over to the bathrooms, to see if we would run into Emmett on his way back from there. That's where we found him, standing halfway between the Women's and the Men's signs and looking back and forth between them with confusion clearly written on his face.

I had to fight back a smile. I knew Emmett wouldn't appreciate my sense of humor at the moment. "Emmett, sweetie, what's wrong?"

"Bella, I know I shouldn't go into the Women's restroom, but I'll be damned if I'm going into the Men's room looking like this. What do you think I should do?"

I looked at Edward with uncertainty in my eyes. I had absolutely no idea how best to resolve Emmett's dilemma.

"Here Emmett," Edward said, putting a guiding hand on his shoulder, "I'll run interference for you. I'll go in first and see if the coast is clear. The girls will stay here and guard the door. They'll tell any guys wanting to come in that it's temporarily out of order or something like that."

When Emmett came out, looking relieved in more ways than one, he put one arm around Rosalie and one around me. "You know, they say diamonds are a girl's best friend. But I say that you guys are."

"A girl's best friend, Emmett? I think I'm starting to worry about you." I said, laughing as I pulled Edward's jacket just a little tighter around me.

~*~

After the holidays and the beginning of the new semester, I found myself in the most bizarre of situations. Have you ever been in the midst of something and realized that you can totally relate to Alice in Wonderland? I was now able answer affirmatively to that question.

Edward and a group of guys from his English class had decided after reading On the Beach by Nevil Shute that, instead of writing individual papers, they would do a film project. The cast would include Edward, Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, and Eric Yorkie. Jasper had volunteered his house as the location for the shoot, and as a thank you, Edward had said that Jasper and Emmett could be "guest stars" in the movie.

I had tagged along on the day of principal photography, because Alice and Rosalie had a drama club meeting, and I was bored. Emmett drove Edward and me out to Jasper's after school. I hadn't had to read On the Beach. I was in a different English class, and we'd read Lord of the Flies instead. So all I knew about the book, I picked up that day. I had a feeling that I'd received a very warped perception. Like I'd seen the book reflected back in a funhouse mirror. Like I said, very Alice in Wonderland.

When I'd heard that Emmett and Jasper would both have parts, I was feeling a little left out. "Edward, can't I have a cameo in your movie? There must be a female character in the book somewhere," I begged.

_Okay, just face it…you whined. _

_Yes, thank you for pointing that out. That just improved my mood extraordinarily. Now I feel a distinct pout coming on._

"I'm sorry, Bella. We're determined to have an all male cast. And I have a feeling that you'll be happy that I said no before the day is over," Edward said mysteriously.

"Okay. Fine," I pouted.

_See, I knew it was in there, just dying to come out._

We pulled into Jasper's driveway and made our way into the house. Everyone else was already there. We exchanged hellos, but then the boys decided it was time to get down to business. We headed upstairs to Jasper's room. I sat in a chair in the corner, trying to stay out of their way as they made plans.

"Emmett, I think we're going to shoot some of your scenes first. You'd better go get changed into your costume," Edward told him.

Emmett nodded and headed down the hall to the bathroom. He had carried in a small duffle bag and a hanger enshrouded in white plastic when we had arrived, but I hadn't thought to ask what they contained. He now took it all with him, so I assumed that they must be costume related.

"Jasper, do you have the baby?" Eric asked him.

Jasper went over to his backpack, which was sitting in the corner next to me, and pulled out a doll wrapped in a baby blanket. I raised my eyebrow at him. "What? It's Alice's. I just borrowed it," he said.

"Sure you did, Jasper," I replied archly. He laughed and tossed the doll to Eric.

I listened as the boys decided the order of their shots for the day. They had planned to shoot most of the film today. It was too difficult to get everyone together with everybody's conflicting schedules. This was the one day when they'd all been able to manage to get together, so they planned to make the most of it. They were going to have a tight schedule to be able to fit all of the shots they needed in one day.

I had quickly gotten bored and found myself staring out the window. I heard Emmett return, but didn't look at him until all of the boys around me started laughing. I turned my attention to Emmett and was astounded.

I said the first thing that popped into my head, "Emmett, you look like a deranged Little Orphan Annie." That only made the boys laugh harder. I actually saw Jasper wipe away a tear. Edward was clutching his sides and struggling to breathe.

"Ha ha, Bella. Very funny. Can't a guy sacrifice for his art without his friend's making snide comments?"

"Emmett, have you seen yourself? How could I not make snide comments with you looking that way?" I asked him.

"What? I thought I looked kinda cute," Emmett said, looking down to inspect his outfit.

Emmett was in yet another dress. It was red with a white lace collar this time. The dress itself just screamed Little Orphan Annie, but the effect was enhanced by the short, curly orange-red wig that Emmett was now wearing. And unlike Halloween where he had thankfully gone flat-chested, today he had inexplicably decided he needed breasts to get into character.

"You do, Emmett. You look absolutely adorable. Nice rack, by the way. What did you use?" I asked.

"You like," he asked, reaching up to grab them, "They're rolled up tube socks. Do they look natural?"

"Oh yeah, absolutely. They look great, Emmett."

_I never imagined I would be congratulating Emmett on how his breasts look. _

_Don't think about it, just go with it._

Edward was playing the character of Peter Holmes from the novel, and I learned that Emmett was going to be Peter's wife, Mary. I felt my lips twitch at the idea of Edward and Emmett as a married couple, but I kept my laughter in.

The boys decided that their first scene would be filmed in Jasper's room, since we were all already there. It would be the scene from the book where Peter and Mary kill their baby and then themselves. Since I hadn't read the book, I asked everyone the reason for the suicide pact. They told me that the story was about survivors of a nuclear war who knew that they would eventually die of radiation sickness. Almost everybody commits suicide by the end of the novel.

_Yeah, that sounds like a fun read. I'm sorry I missed out on that one. _

I watched as Edward and Emmett acted out the dramatic scene of a young family's suicide, and I had to fight not to laugh the entire time. As soon as Mike, who was acting as director, yelled "cut," I burst into giggles.

"What's so funny, Bella?" Edward asked me.

"Emmett's breasts," I managed to squeak out between giggles.

"What about them," Emmett demanded.

"They were traveling throughout the entire scene. First the left one was higher than the right, and then they switched. Look at them now," I howled with laughter.

Emmett's breasts had settled to the bottom of the bodice of his dress. The dress was belted, and the socks were resting atop the belt, over Emmett's stomach.

"Aren't you wearing a bra, Emmett?" I asked.

"Of course I'm not wearing a bra, Swan. I'm a guy."

"Well, if you're determined to have breasts today, you really need one. Do you want to borrow mine?" I reached behind my back and under my sweater to the closure of my bra. I didn't think anything about it. My sweater was the loose, bulky kind. It's not like they were going to be able to actually tell I was braless. And just like every other girl my age, I knew how to remove it while keeping my sweater safely in place.

Emmett stopped me before I could get it unhooked.

"Isabella Swan! Don't ever offer to remove your bra in a room full of horny teenage boys! Haven't I taught you better than that?" Emmett asked in a shocked tone.

I looked around at all of the boys in the room. They were all looking at me with stunned expressions. What had been no big deal to me was apparently viewed differently by them. I removed my hands from under my sweater and brought them back to rest in my lap. I caught a few disappointed glances cast my way.

"So, Emmett, I'm confused. How can I tell if they're _horny_ teenage boys?"

"They're teenage boys, Bella. Horny is a given."

That broke the tension. Everyone but me laughed. I blushed instead.

Jasper ended up raiding his mom's lingerie drawer and provided Emmett with the much need foundation garment. That's what Jasper called it, "foundation garment". You've got to love Southerners and their euphemisms.

I was still a little confused as to why it was okay for Emmett to use Mrs. Whitlock's bra and not mine. But after Jasper made everyone swear never to let his mother know that he'd borrowed it, nobody else seemed to find it strange. After Emmett returned from a second trip to the bathroom, his breasts stayed in place the rest of the day.

We moved to different locations around Jasper's house to film. There was evidently a car race somewhere in the book, and we filmed a scene in the garage with Jasper acting the part of a racing official.

Then we moved outside to the huge and very expensive RV owned by Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock. It was going to serve as the nuclear submarine that was essential to the book's plot. I sat in the back, out of frame, and let my mind wander a bit. I always watched the scenes while they filmed, but there was a lot of downtime while they set up between shots. Mike Newton would come over and talk to me from time to time. We'd never really spoken outside of class before, and I thought it was very sweet of him to keep me from becoming completely bored out of my mind.

The boys were getting ready to shoot a scene on the submarine in which Edward's character had to have some sort of breakdown. I hadn't been paying attention as they discussed and prepared the scene. I only focused on them as they began shooting. Edward began to freak out about being confined on the submarine and started yelling that they were all going to die. Then one by one, the boys lined up and pretended to smack Edward around, trying to get him to calm down.

At the end of the scene, Emmett appeared, still in his costume and started beating Edward with a hanger while shouting, "No more wire hangers! I told you not to use wire hangers."

As soon as "cut" was called, I had to say something. "Okay, I know that wasn't in the book. Whose idea was it to rip off Airplane?" Emmett raised his hand…of course.

"And who has seen Mommy Dearest at least one too many times?" I asked. Emmett raised his hand again.

_Yeah, like that's a shocker._

"Emmett, I think you've been watching way too much cable. And what was a woman doing on the submarine?"

"I thought it would be funny to have Edward's wife beat the shit out of him," Emmett admitted.

"Uh huh. And the rest of you are listening to Emmett's suggestions why exactly?" I asked them.

"Ummm… Because they're funny?" Eric's statement came out sounding like a question.

"Okay, fine. It's your movie. I was just curious. Proceed," I told them. "Oh and Emmett…"

"What is it now, Swan?"

"When you were busy beating Edward and your back was to the camera…"

"Yes," he prompted.

"I could see all of your back muscles rippling under that dress of yours. You looked like the love child of Little Orphan Annie and The Incredible Hulk. Now _that_ was funny." I smirked at him.

After the submarine shots were finished, we wandered back inside to Jasper's room. For some reason, they needed a shot through the window and overlooking the yard. But Jasper had left his car in the driveway after the racing scene, and it would be visible in the shot.

"Oh, hey Jasper, could I move your car for you," Tyler Crowley asked. "I just got my permit."

Jasper agreed and threw Tyler the keys. He was back after just a few minutes. He'd only had to move the car back a few feet, just enough so it was no longer in the shot.

The through the window shot was the final shot of the day. After it was finished, we all sat around talking.

Glancing out the window, Emmett said, "Hey Jasper, your car is hanging off the overhang."

"What!" Jasper shouted.

"Just kidding."

"Shit, McCarty. That's not funny!"

Jasper's house was actually set into the side of a hill. The driveway was at the edge of a landscaped terrace. There were steps beside the driveway that led down to Jasper's backyard, roughly five feet below. I understood why the idea of his car plunging to the yard below would not be humorous to Jasper.

We continued talking, and about a half hour later, Edward stood and stretched before walking over to the window. "Ummm… Jasper? Your car is hanging off the overhang."

"Jesus, Cullen. It still isn't funny," Jasper said angrily.

"I'm not kidding!" Edward protested.

We all ran to the window, and sure enough, there was Jasper's car with its front wheels now hanging over the terrace.

We all gave each other an "Oh Shit!" look before racing down the stairs and outside. On the way out, Jasper railed at Tyler. "Fucking shit, Crowley! Haven't you ever heard of a fucking parking brake?" _Apparently not._

There must be something about teenage male hormones that made them either very brave or very stupid. As I stopped at the edge of the driveway to survey the situation, all of the boys scurried down the stairs and stopped underneath the car. They reached up with their arms and tried to lift the car up and push it back up onto the terrace.

"Ummm… Guys?" I asked, getting their attention. "You do realize that if that car goes over, you're all going to die, right?"

They just looked at one another for a moment, before quickly backing away from the car. Soon, they were all back on the driveway beside me.

"Well, Swan. If you're so smart, how would you fix this?" Emmett asked me.

"Jasper, do you have any sort of chains or strong rope in your garage? Maybe we could attach your car to Emmett's jeep with something, and then Emmett could pull your car off the overhang," I suggested.

They all looked at one another, surprised that I'd made sense. If I weren't feeling so smug, I might have been offended.

"That's a great plan, Bella. How'd you ever come up with it?" Emmett asked me.

"Well, evidently I don't have testosterone overtaking it, so my brain actually functions."

"Cute, Swan. Really cute," Emmett told me.

"Thank you, Emmett. By the way, can I ask you one thing I've been dying to know?"

"Sure, Bella. What is it?" he asked.

"Well, this is the second time I've seen you in drag. I was wondering if you needed to discuss your latent tendencies. I don't want your life turning into an afterschool special or anything. You know I'm always here if you need to talk. I won't judge."

"You're a fucking riot. Now, if you're done mocking me, I'd like to save Jasper's car."

"Go ahead, Emmett," I laughed. "But I don't think I'll ever be done mocking you."

* * *

Okay, I have to admit, the entire On the Beach incident is "based on a true story." My husband and a bunch of our friends starred in just such a debacle in high school. I even have video to prove it. I had to save that story for posterity. It was too good to let go unremembered. ;)

I need to thank all of my readers. A few of you have been kind enough to let me know that you're enjoying this story so far, and I really appreciate that!

My heartfelt gratitude also goes out to Lovingangels07 for pimping out On a Lonesome Road. You should check out her story, Risky Business. It's one of my current faves.

To DeltaSwan90 – Thank you for your running commentaries. I'd be lost without them.

To Gemmabobella – Thank you for inspiring me, for your continued support, and your friendship.

To RavynNightstorm – Thank you for making my Twilighted banner and for making time (sometimes) to read this story.

To Ninapolitan – Thank you for not taking no for an answer.


	8. Wild Turkey

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 8 – Wild Turkey

After "The On the Beach Incident" as it came to be known, things seemed to both quiet down and speed up at the same time. We didn't have as much time to find trouble to get ourselves into. We were well into the second semester. We had mid-terms to study for and the threat of finals to worry about. The six of us still hung out together, but not all of us could make it every Friday night anymore. I found that I missed my friends. And that felt a little strange, considering that I still saw them every day.

Spring had come without any of us having the time to notice. The change of seasons was not as noticeable in Forks as it was in other places. It rained a lot regardless of the season, so that didn't distinguish spring for us. It was slightly warmer than winter, and that was about the only way to differentiate.

Of course, a sign of spring at Forks High was the preparation for the Spring Musical launched every year around the first of April. Auditions were held in February, and Alice and Rosalie had both won roles. They had begged me to audition with them, but I had put my foot down. I had no desire to embarrass myself by tripping across the stage in front of an audience.

Mr. Johnson had asked for volunteers amongst the Bandsies to play in the orchestra for the musical. We all had a choice, except for Edward. His skills on the piano were required. Emmett, Jasper, and I signed up to join him, like the good, supportive friends we were. There was no cymbal part for me, but there were various percussion instruments, like the triangle and the castanets, that were needed and didn't require too much actual musical talent to play.

Our orchestra practice was scheduled at the same time as the musical rehearsals, which turned into one more opportunity for all of us to spend a little time together. I was usually the first one of the gang to get to practice, so I'd occasionally talk to whoever else was around until they got there.

Sometimes I spoke to Lauren, who was in the chorus of the musical. I hated to say it, but I actually tried to avoid talking to her if I could. Lauren's only form of conversation seemed to be of the sexually explicit variety, and she seemed to view rehearsals as an excellent chance to fill me in on any particularly steamy details she'd missed telling me about in Earth Science. I had noticed that she would share all of the most intimate details of her life with me, except for the names of the guys she got involved with. I wondered if she did that to protect them, or if she just didn't know. I didn't enjoy hearing her stories, but I felt such pity for her. She didn't seem to have anyone else to talk to. She was shunned at Forks High. Besides me, the only people who would be seen with her were the guys who were hoping to fuck her. And from what she had told me, even they preferred to drag her into shadows and dark corners.

One afternoon, I got to practice exceptionally early. My mom had parent conferences that day, and I didn't want to bother Emmett or Jasper for a ride. So I had Mom drop me off on her way, and I took my books so I could do homework until someone else got there. I sat down in the hallway leading to the band room and leaned against the wall, pulling books and folders out of my backpack. It seemed like I had just gotten started when I heard a voice.

"Bella? What are you doing here so early?"

I looked up, and Mike Newton was standing in front of me. We had gotten closer since the day of the filming. We would talk before and after our classes now. Several times we'd walked together between classes just to finish up a conversation. He was turning out to be a good friend. I liked him.

"Hi, Mike. My mom had conferences, so I'm here earlier than usual. I thought I would catch up on some homework."

"Oh, so you want me to leave you alone?" he asked.

"No, that's okay. I can finish this stuff later. Have a seat," I said, patting the spot beside me.

Mike grinned and quickly moved to sit next to me. "Thanks. So, how did you do on that history test on Monday?"

"I got an A. I was ecstatic. I don't always do that well in history usually, but Jasper helped me study. He loves that stuff."

"That's great, Bella. I was pretty happy myself. I got a B," he told me.

I had turned toward him as we talked, and a lock of hair escaped my ponytail and grazed my cheek. Mike reached up and tucked it back behind my ear. His hand lingered for a moment. It made me uncomfortable. I was just about to pull away, when someone cleared their throat loudly.

Edward stood glowering down at us. "Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt," he said, moving past us into the band room.

"Edward?" I called after him. He had looked angry about something.

_Did I do something wrong? Was he mad at me?_

"What's up with Cullen?" Mike asked me.

_So, I definitely wasn't imagining it. Something was bothering him._

"I don't know, Mike. Maybe I should go check on him."

"Well, well. What have we here?" Emmett walked down the hallway toward us with Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice in tow. "Bella, do you have a boyfriend that you conveniently forgot to tell me about? Hey, Newton."

"Hi, McCarty," Mike replied, looking amused.

I wasn't amused. I was pissed actually. "Jesus, Emmett. Can't I even talk to a friend without you making some big deal about it?"

"Not when that friend has a dick, Bella."

I blushed, while everyone else laughed at my expense. When would I grow immune to Emmett? You would think that I would build up some sort of tolerance eventually and would stop being embarrassed by him.

"I have news," Emmett announced. Apparently he'd decided to stop torturing me. For now.

"What is it?" I asked him.

"Spring break is coming up soon. The Saturday after we get out – party at my house. Newton, you can come too. Eric and Tyler can come along with. If you guys want, you can bring dates. But don't tell anyone else about it, okay?"

"And why exactly is this party so hush hush, Emmett?" I asked.

"Because this is a special party, Swan. I've decided to have a Wild Turkey party."

"A Wild Turkey party? What's that?"

"Wild Turkey is a brand of whiskey, Bella," Jasper told me. "Emmett thinks it's the perfect code name for this little scheme of his."

"A scheme? Aw, Emmett. What are you getting me into now?"

"Jasper, Bella, this is _not _a scheme. It's a delicate operation. It will take all of our skill and cunning to pull it off. It will definitely not be easy, but we shall persevere…"

I decided to cut Emmett off before he got too carried away with his speech. "And what makes a party at your house into such a delicate operation?"

"Because it's an all night drinking party, Bella. Just how thrilled do you think the Chief would be with that little plan?"

The idea of asking my dad to let me stay out all night made the blood drain from my face. And if my father ever found out that I'd been drinking at a party…the thought made me shudder.

"Exactly," Alice said. "We're going to have to do some fast talking and fancy footwork if we're going to get any of our parents to let us go."

"Well, the boys won't have any trouble. But the three of us will be another story," Rosalie said. "It pisses me off that parents have such a double standard."

"That's because boys can't come home pregnant, Rose," Jasper said.

"No, Jasper. They're just the ones out there doing the impregnating," I countered. I was with Rose. There was a double standard, and it sucked.

"Well, regardless of the injustice of it all, we still have to find a way to overcome it," Emmett broke in, diffusing the argument and getting us back to the matter at hand. "My parents can call everyone else's parents and let them know they're chaperoning the party. That should break down most of them."

"Wait. Your parents are going to be there, Emmett?" I asked him. "But how are you going to have a drinking party if your parents are going to be home?"

"Easy. They're buying the alcohol for us and will leave us alone."

"Your parents are not only condoning this, but they're supplying it too?"

"Yes, Bella. My parents' theory is that it's better for us to be drinking at my house under their supervision than to be out somewhere drinking and driving. That's why it's an overnight party. My parents insist that nobody drive home."

"Well, that's open-minded of them…I guess." I was a little bewildered that parents would consider doing such a thing. I mean, my father was the Chief of Police, so a lax attitude toward the law was new to me. "But even if your parents call, Emmett, I don't think there's any way my dad will let me go. He's been called in to bust up too many teenage parties over the years. He'll still be suspicious."

Alice's face suddenly lit up, and she began bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Hey, wait a minute, Bella. Isn't that the weekend Uncle Charlie is taking that extended fishing trip with Harry Clearwater?"

"Wow, you're right, Alice. I'd forgotten about that. My dad is leaving the Wednesday before the party and won't be home until the following Tuesday. But I don't really see where that helps me much. I'm still going to have to ask him for permission to go."

"No, you don't," Alice said with a twinkle in her eye. "Wait until he's gone, and then ask Aunt Renée. She's not as strict as your dad. And you know how she is, she'll forget all about it by the time your dad gets home. He'll never even now you were gone."

I felt a grin spread across my face as Alice was speaking. This plan of hers might work. "Alice, you just may be an evil genius. That's a great idea! I'm sure Mom will let me go."

We continued talking about the party until we saw Mr. Johnson come out of his office. When we walked into the band room, I saw Edward leaning forward in his chair, his elbows on his knees and his head down. I had gotten caught up in the excitement and forgotten all about him until now. He looked tired…or dejected. I couldn't tell which, because I couldn't see his face. I was determined to talk to him after practice, to find out what was wrong.

I never got the chance.

~*~

Jasper picked Alice, Rose, and me up on Saturday night to take us all to Emmett's. We had spent the afternoon at Alice's again, getting ready.

I almost had to drag myself out to Jasper's car. As much as I'd wanted to go to Emmett's party before, now I was dreading it. When Emmett had said that the party would be on Saturday, I hadn't thought about what that would mean, but I had soon been enlightened.

I thought back to the day Emmett had announced the party. Edward had left practice that day without a word to anybody. I had taken my time putting my cymbals away, chatting with Eric and Ben Cheney as they put away their snare drums. That was what the six of us always did, talked to a few of our other friends before meeting up to spend some time together before going home. But when I met the rest of the gang outside the band room, Edward was not there.

"Where's Edward? Is he still in the band room? I didn't see him on my way out," I said.

"He's gone, Bella. I don't know what his problem was. He had a scowl on his face all through practice," Jasper told me. "As soon as we were finished, he packed up like he was in a hurry and left. I tried to catch his attention, so I could tell him about the party. But I guess he didn't hear me."

When I'd finally caught up to Edward the next day at school. He still seemed to be in a bad mood. At least, he wasn't the most engaging conversationalist. We were usually very comfortable talking to each other, but trying to speak to him that day was like trying to talk to a brick wall.

"Hi, Edward," I greeted him as I sat next to him in Algebra.

"Hi," he answered, never looking up from the book open in front of him on the desk.

"Did Emmett call you about the party? He told me he was going to."

"Yes." He still didn't look at me.

"So, do you think you'll be able to come? It wouldn't be the same without you."

"I don't know. Maybe," he said.

What was with him? I don't think we'd ever had a conversation where it was like pulling teeth to get him to answer me before. "Oh, so is there some reason you don't think you'll be able to come? Do you think your parents will say no?"

"No. But I have to check with Tanya to make sure she can come too."

I was suddenly glad that he'd never looked up from his book, because I felt my breath leave my body in a _whoosh _and the blood drain from my face when he'd said that. Tanya was coming? And it was going to be such a small party that there would be no way in hell I could avoid them this time.

I swallowed down my panic and managed to get out, "Well, I hope you'll be there," before the bell rang and class began. I didn't hear a word Mr. Kirby said. I spent the entire class lost in my own thoughts.

_Why do I always forget about Tanya? _

_Because, stupid, you wish she didn't exist. You'd love to pretend she'd never been born._

_But she does exist. And she's Edward's girlfriend. Saturday night is their date night. Of course he'd bring her to the party. Why didn't I think about that before?_

_Because you were too busy thinking about having Edward to yourself. Don't bother to deny it. You were concocting wild fantasies that the two of you would spend the entire night talking, and he'd have some sort of epiphany that you were the one he should be with and not Tanya._

_Yes, well fat chance of that happening now. Instead of my perfect fairytale fantasy, I'll get the Tanya and Edward making out in front of me all night reality. Well, that's just peachy._

"Bella, we're here," Rose said from her seat beside me. I nodded before turning to open my door and exiting the car.

Emmett's house was on the outskirts of Forks. It was secluded, surrounded by forest. His nearest neighbors lived about half a mile away. In short, it was the ideal location to have a Wild Turkey party. Unless we got insanely loud – and with the small guest list, that was highly unlikely – there would be no neighbors to complain about the noise and call the cops on us.

_At least, I pray that's the case. I don't even want to think how Dad would feel about one of his officers calling him on his fishing trip to come home early and deal with his delinquent daughter._

We were the first ones there. As we walked into Emmett's house, we could see Emmett on the telephone in the kitchen. He was giving someone directions to his house. When he saw us, he hurriedly finished the conversation and hung up the phone.

"Hey, guys! I'm glad to see you," Emmett said, crossing the kitchen to us. He took Rosalie into his arms and kissed her.

"So, was somebody lost?" Jasper asked, nodding at the phone.

"Yeah. I keep getting phone calls from everyone who's never been here. You know this place is a nightmare to find for the first time. The phone's been ringing almost non-stop for the last few minutes. It's starting to drive me a little crazy, so I've had to come up with a way to keep myself sane," Emmett told us.

"Which is?" I asked.

"Making up interesting new ways to answer the phone. I find 'Hello' just a tad boring, don't you?"

Rosalie eyed Emmett warily. "Interesting in what way, Emmett?"

Just then, the phone rang again. Emmett smirked at us before walking back across the kitchen. "You'll see," he said, his eyes twinkling. He picked up the phone and said, "Joe's Body Shop. We give the best head jobs in town."

We all snickered at Emmett. Well, we did, until we saw the look of horror come over his face. We held our breaths, wondering what could have caused Emmett to look that way.

Emmett glanced at us with a panicked expression and said, "Oh. Hi, Grandma."

At that, we all died laughing. Emmett was waving to us frantically and making slashing motions across his throat, trying to get us to quiet down.

"Yes, Grandma. It's Emmett. I was just expecting a friend's call, so I was just being silly. I'm sorry about that."

We clapped our hands over our mouths and tried to stifle our laughter, but it wasn't much use. It was just too funny to see Emmett being the uncomfortable one for a change. I was particularly enjoying it. I had never seen Emmett blush before. Not even when he was dressed in drag.

_Ah ha! The shoe's finally on the other foot. Take that, McCarty._

Emmett quickly ended his conversation with his grandmother and turned back to us. "Ha ha. Very funny, guys. I can't believe I just said that to my grandma!"

Rose walked over to Emmett and put an arm around his waist. "It's okay, baby. I'm sure she just thought you were kidding around."

Emmett accepted Rosalie's comfort and a few more of her kisses and forgot all about his grandmother. "Okay, guys. Sorry about that. My parents are upstairs and have sworn not to come down for the rest of the night. There's beer in the fridge, if anyone wants to go ahead and get started. Everyone else should be here soon."

True to Emmett's prediction, within half an hour of our arrival, most of the other guests had arrived. Ben Cheney brought Angela Weber as his date. Angela played flute, but I'd never had much of a chance to talk to her before. I was hoping that this would be an opportunity to get to know her a little better. I was pretty sure that she was just shy, like me, and that we could become great friends. Tyler brought Lauren as his date. I didn't even want to know what he'd had in mind when he'd asked her out. Eric and Mike showed up together. Well, not _together_, but they rode in the same car. Finally, Edward showed up – alone.

"Cullen, where's your girlfriend?" Emmett yelled across the room.

"She'll be here soon. She can't stay, Emmett. Her father would never allow that. So her sister, Kate, is driving her, and then they'll have to be home by eleven o'clock. Kate's promised that she won't drink anything."

"It's cool, Edward. As long as Kate stays true to the designated driver plan, it's not a problem."

Edward saw me sitting at Emmett's kitchen table. He came over and sat in the chair next to mine. "Hi, Bella. You're looking particularly beautiful tonight."

I blushed and dropped my eyes to the table in front of me. "Thank you, Edward. You look…nice too."

I had almost choked on the word "nice." He looked so much better than just plain old "nice" could convey. In dark jeans and a charcoal gray v-neck sweater, with his bronze hair in its usual, lust-inducing disarray, the boy looked absolutely sinful…in the very best of ways.

"So, I wanted to apologize for being such an ass around you lately. I've just been in a bad mood, I guess. Forgive me?" Edward asked me.

I was so happy that he was actually talking to me again. And he was even apologizing! I decided I should tease him just a little bit. "I don't know, Edward. You were kind of a brat. I don't know if I should forgive you quite so easily."

Edward surprised me by grasping my hand and bringing it to his chest, covering his heart. "Oh please, sweet Bella, find it in your heart to forgive me. I don't know what I'll do if you don't. I'll beg if necessary," he said overdramatically.

I laughed and Edward joined in, still holding my hand in his – just as Tanya walked through the front door. And she did not look happy to find Edward and me in that seemingly compromising position. Actually, she looked like she'd just sucked on a lemon. I would have found it funny if not for the look on Edward's face. He looked guilty. The smile had disappeared from his face instantaneously, and he had dropped my hand. He stood and walked quickly over to Tanya. She turned and walked back through the door, and he followed her outside.

I won't lie. I felt really hurt. We had been laughing together just a moment ago. Edward had seemed to be back to his old self around me again. He'd even been holding my hand! And then she had to come along and ruin it.

_Wait a minute. Be fair. She is his girlfriend, and she just walked in on him holding another girl's hand. How would you feel if you were in her place?_

_You know, I'm not going to talk to you anymore if you're going to go all logical on me like that._

_Maybe that's a good thing. You know if you keep talking to yourself like this, eventually the men in white coats are going to come and take you away one of these days._

_Shh… You're starting to give me a headache._

"Bella, are you okay? Is something wrong?"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up. Mike was standing beside me with a concerned expression. "Oh. Umm. I'm fine, Mike. I guess I was just lost in my own thoughts there for a minute. Would you like to sit?" I asked him, indicating the chair that Edward had vacated.

"Sure. Wait. Would you like a beer first? While I'm still up?" he asked me.

I nodded, and Mike went to the fridge. He grabbed two bottles of beer before returning to the table. He sat next to me and handed me one of the bottles.

"Oh, Mike? Would you mind?"

"What?" He tilted his head to the side and raised one eyebrow at me. I realized that he was kinda cute, looking at me that way. He definitely wasn't hard on the eyes. His blonde hair was gelled into spikes. He had blue-gray eyes fringed with long lashes. He had that wholesome, all-American, boy-next-door look. I'd never really noticed before.

"Umm… Well, I hate to admit it, but I can never get the tops off of these things. Would you mind helping me?" I asked him.

"Oh yeah. No problem," he said, taking the bottle from me and twisting the cap off before giving it back to me. "You know, you'd better never let your fellow feminists know that you needed a man to open your beer for you," he teased.

Since it seemed that I never had a thought in my brain that didn't eventually make its way out of my mouth, Mike knew about some of my opinions concerning equal rights. He and I had talked about that topic quite a few times actually. It was easy to talk to Mike. He was a really good listener.

"Hey, that actually reminds me. I have a joke for you," he said, pausing to grin at me.

"You do? Okay, let me hear it."

His grin widened. "Alright. So, how many men does it take to mop a floor?"

I knew I was walking into a trap, but I determined to just go with it. "I don't know. How many men does it take to mop a floor?"

"None. It's women's work." Mike looked at me like a naughty little boy who'd just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I laughed more at the expression on his face than I did at his joke.

"Jerk," I said, playfully slapping him on the arm as I laughed. "That's an absolutely horrible joke, you know."

"I know. But it made you laugh, so it was worth it."

That's when I saw Edward guiding Tanya through the kitchen past Mike and me. His mouth was drawn into a thin line. And his eyes crackled with anger. I wondered what had happened between him and Tanya to make him look that way.

"Drinking game!" Emmett yelled as he walked back into the kitchen and sat at the kitchen table with Mike and me. "You in, Swan? Newton?"

"Sure, Emmett. What are we playing?" I asked.

Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Edward, and Tanya followed Emmett into the kitchen. There were only six chairs around the table. Rose sat in the chair next to Emmett. Alice sat in Jasper's lap, and then I felt my stomach drop when Tanya followed suit and sat in Edward's. I fought back the urge to gag when Tanya took Edward's face between her hands and kissed him.

"It's simple really, Bella. We each take turns saying, "I've never…" and then finish it with something you actually _have _done before. Then you take a drink. If anyone else at the table has done that same thing before, then they take a drink too."

"Okay. That doesn't sound too complicated. Who goes first?" I asked.

"I'll start," Rosalie said. "I've never cheated on a test before." Everyone but Edward and I took a drink.

We went around the table once. I liked this game. It was fun and seemed to be relatively tame. That was, until Emmett's second turn.

"I've never jerked off before," he said, taking a drink. All the guys at the table took a drink. Emmett raised an eyebrow at the girls. "Come on. Don't tell me none of you has ever masturbated before."

"Well, that wasn't what you said, Emmett," Rosalie corrected. "You specifically said 'jerked off'. Different plumbing, remember?"

"Geez, that's a technicality if I've ever heard one," Emmett whined.

"Fine, Emmett," Alice conceded. "This is just for you. I've never masturbated before." Everyone at the table took a drink.

"Bel-la. You dirty little girl. I didn't know you had it in you," Emmett said, waggling his eyebrows at me. I blushed, of course.

"I've never kissed someone before," Jasper said. Everyone but me took a drink. I got a few raised eyebrows, but nobody said anything to me.

"I've never French kissed before," Tanya giggled and then took a drink. Yep, everyone but me again.

"I've never touched a girl's breast before," Edward said. Tanya giggled again, and I wanted to punch her. Everyone took a drink. The guys looked at us funny.

"You guys do realize that we girls all have breasts, right? Of course, we've touched them," Rosalie rolled her eyes at the guys.

It was my turn. "I've…uh…I've never told a lie before."

_Gee, I'm lame._

Mike said, "I've never had a secret crush before." Everyone drank.

"I've never French kissed someone of the same sex before," Rosalie said, taking a drink. She was the only one. Emmett looked at Rose with his mouth hanging open. "What? It was camp; we were bored," she explained.

"You are so telling me that entire story later. And don't spare the details," Emmett told her. "I've never licked a nipple." Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper drank.

This was getting really personal. And I was the one who had had the least to drink, so I was the most uncomfortable. I could tell that some of the others were feeling no pain at this point.

It was Alice's turn. "I've never had my shirt off in the company of someone of the opposite sex." Everyone but me again.

"I've never had my hand down a girl's pants before," Jasper said. Emmett and Jasper drank.

"Uh, girls? Since you answered affirmatively to the masturbation question earlier, shouldn't you all be drinking right now?" Emmett asked us. _Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of it that way. _The girls all took a drink.

"I've never bitten a member of the opposite sex's earlobe before," Tanya said. Everyone but me drank.

Edward said, "I've never given someone a hickey before." Everyone took a drink but me.

"I've never participated in vandalism before," I said.

Jasper and Emmett both grinned at me widely, and the three of us drank.

It was Mike's turn. He looked a little panicked, trying to come up with something. "Hmmm… I've never had a fantasy in the middle of a class before." Everyone took a drink.

"I've never given a blowjob before," Rosalie said. She and Alice took a drink.

_What! Alice had been keeping things from me! She and I were so having a talk later._

Emmett's turn again. I was starting to wish we'd never started this game. "I've never had sex before." He and Rosalie were the only two to drink. I'd known this. It had only happened a couple of weeks ago. Rose had told Alice and me about it. But it looked like Jasper and Edward were both surprised.

"I've never touched a dick before," Alice said, taking a drink. Rose and all the boys joined her.

"I've never tasted a pussy," Jasper said. Emmett and he took a drink.

"I've never held hands before," Tanya said, and everyone drank.

"I've never been out of the country before," Edward said. He, Tanya, and Jasper took a drink.

It was my turn again. I was drawing a total blank. I couldn't think of anything. I looked around at the faces at the table. Everyone was looking at me expectantly. When I locked eyes with Edward's, the words slipped out before I even thought about them. "I've never been in love before." Edward's glance slid from my face to Mike Newton and back again. Everyone took a drink.

I was actually mortified by what I'd just let slip. I really didn't want to do this anymore. "You know, I think I'm done with this game," I said, pushing away from the table. I felt slightly wobbly. The room appeared to be moving slightly. And I knew I was the soberest one at the table. I had found out way more than I'd ever wanted to know about my friends' sex lives, especially Edward's and Tanya's. Although I was surprised that it seemed they hadn't really done much – not considering that they'd been together for almost a year and a half.

Tanya's sister, Kate, came in just then and told Tanya it was time to go home. I watched Edward take her hand and walk her out to the car.

I was still standing near the table. My hand was clutching the back of the chair I'd been sitting in before. Mike was trying to rise from his chair beside me. He was a little unsteady on his feet and stumbled into me.

"Oh God, Bella, I'm sorry," Mike said, reaching out to catch me as I started to fall. He pulled me into his chest and held me against him until I'd regained my footing.

I looked up at him and was startled that his face was so close to mine. I froze in surprise. I didn't move, and neither did he. Suddenly through my slight alcohol haze, I realized that I had been in Mike's arms for much longer than necessary. "Mike? I think I'm okay now. You can let me go."

"Oh yeah. Sorry…again," he said releasing his grip on me.

"It's okay. I think we're all a little shaky after that game," I laughed.

Mike and I wandered into the living room to see what everyone else was up to. Edward was there, talking to Ben and Angela. I hadn't noticed him come back in. He was drinking a newly opened beer and didn't look up when I walked in. I crossed the room to talk to the three of them. Mike followed me over. After only a couple of minutes, Edward excused himself and walked away.

Over the next few hours, I only caught glimpses of him. It seemed whenever I entered a room, Edward would find an excuse to leave it. He still had that beer in his hand, and he seemed to empty it very slowly. He was talking to everyone…well, everyone but me it seemed. But he didn't appear to be having a good time. He wasn't joking and laughing as much as he usually did. And I noticed that every time I saw him, he seemed to be more and more subdued. I wondered if he and Tanya had gotten into another fight. She'd seemed to forgive him for earlier. At least, she'd had no problem cozying into his lap during the game.

Finally, when almost everyone but me decided to start another drinking game – Quarters this time – I went in search of him. I found him back in the living room, sitting in an overstuffed chair and staring off into space.

"Edward?" He didn't even blink when I said his name. I tried again, "Edward? Is everything okay?"

"Hmmm…" He only hummed in response and still didn't look at me.

Alright, I had no clue what was going on with him. I kneeled before him and put my hand on his arm. Finally, he looked at me, but his eyes were unfocused and glassy.

_Uh oh. That's not good._

"Edward? Just how many beers did you have?"

"Pffft. I don't know. Umm… Eight?" His words came out all mumbled together. I could barely understand him. It dawned on me that the one beer I'd seen in Edward's hand for most of the night had actually been several.

"Edward, do you feel okay? Do you feel like you're going to be sick?"

_Oh please, God. Don't let Edward get sick._

"Who are you?" Edward asked me, trying to focus again. I was a little hurt, but he was drunk. I'm sure he probably didn't even remember his own name at the moment.

"It's me. Bella," I said.

"Who?"

"Bella. Your friend, Bella. Remember?"

"Oh. Where's Tanya?"

_Ouch. He doesn't remember you, but he sure remembers his girlfriend._

"She had to go home, Edward. She's been gone for awhile," I told him.

"Oh," he said, staring straight ahead again.

"Edward, is there anything I can do for you? Can I get you anything?"

He brought his eyes back to mine. "Who are you again?"

"It's Bella," I tried again. "Would you like me to get you a glass of water?"

"Where's Tanya?" he asked a second time.

Okay, this was getting me nowhere. All this was doing was making me feel like someone had reached into my chest and pulled out my still beating heart. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself not to cry. Why would he remember me? I was nobody special to him apparently. I was not worth remembering.

It was after three o'clock in the morning. The game of Quarters had finished, and everyone had drifted back into the living room to find somewhere to crash for the rest of the night. Emmett stopped beside me and looked down at me. "What's Cullen's deal now?"

Edward's eyes had closed.

"He's really, really drunk, Emmett. I'm worried about him. I think either he just fell asleep, or he just passed out."

Emmett put his hand on Edward's shoulder and shook him roughly. Edward groaned but then opened his eyes and looked at Emmett. "Whadda ya want, McCarty?"

_Well, he remembered Emmett. _

_Yeah, I've noticed he seems to remember everyone but you._

"Hey, someone run into the kitchen and bring me back a glass of water and a trash bag – they're under the kitchen sink," Emmett commanded. Mike walked back into the kitchen to do what Emmett asked. When he returned, Emmett shook Edward awake again.

"What! Leave me alone," Edward murmured.

"Cullen, drink this water." Emmett put the glass in Edward's hand but kept a grip on it and helped him bring it to his lips. Edward drank about half the water before pushing it away.

"Here, Bella. Take this," Emmett said, handing me the glass.

"Cullen, here's a trash bag." Emmett opened it and then set it in Edward's lap. "If you feel sick during the night and don't think you can make it to the bathroom, use the trash bag. Please."

Edward mumbled something and nodded.

Emmett looked back at me and asked, "Bella, would you mind giving Edward sips of water until he's finished the glass? The alcohol has him severely dehydrated."

"Sure, Emmett. I'll take care of him."

Emmett ambled off to where Rosalie had made a bed for them on the floor. I sighed and leaned against Edward's chair.

I was surprised when Mike returned with two pillows and a couple of blankets. He threw the bedding on the floor and sat down next to me. "I'll help you keep an eye on him. It's not fair to ask you to do it all by yourself."

"It's okay, Mike. I can handle it."

"I don't mind. Really," he told me.

"Okay," I said giving in. I gave him a half-hearted smile. "Thanks."

Mike and I took turns shaking Edward awake and helping him drink until the water was gone. When we were finished, I yawned loudly, and Mike insisted that I lay down. I protested. I wanted to keep an eye on Edward, but Mike said that he'd watch Edward for awhile. He told me he'd wake me if he got too tired and thought Edward still needed looking after.

I was really tired. I lay down beside Edward's chair. I promised myself that I wouldn't sleep. I was just going to rest for a few minutes, and then I'd check on Edward again. My eyelids felt so heavy. I was determined not to close them, but it was just so difficult to keep them open. I felt a hand begin to stroke my hair. I was more asleep than awake at that point, and I simply enjoyed the feeling. It made me feel warm and safe and cared for. So, I let the gentle hand soothe me and the darkness engulf me.

* * *

I've had a couple of reviewers tell me that I have them scared to death every single time they see an On a Lonesome Road update, wondering if this is going to be the chapter that changes everything. Not this time, dear readers. But it makes my black, evil little heart sing to know I have you that freaked out. Mwahaha! ;)

As always, thanks to everyone who takes the time to read and review. I really do love seeing your reactions.

My undying gratitude goes to Ravyn, Delta, Gemma and Nina. Thanks guys! You keep me kinda sorta sane. As sane as I get anyway.

Chapter 9 of On a Lonesome Road will be posted on Tuesday, January 12th.


	9. The Morning After

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Important A/N at the bottom.**

Chapter 9 – The Morning After

I awoke for the first time in my life with a warm body beside me, an arm encircling my waist, and calm, even breaths mildly tickling my ear and cheek. In that half-dreaming, half-waking state, I relished the feeling of security that came from the embrace. I rolled from my side to my back, the arm around me tightening and holding me even closer. My mind could only form one thought. _Edward. _I stretched my arms over my head and slowly opened my eyes. Edward sat in the chair above me, staring down at me with the saddest expression I'd ever seen. It physically hurt me to see him in so much pain. But something else wasn't right. My sleep addled brain was trying desperately to figure out just what was wrong with this picture.

_Wake up, stupid! You're missing something pretty obvious._

_Sorry, I've been awake for a whole five seconds here. Why don't you just tell me, if you're so smart! _

_Okay, genius. Edward is sitting in the chair._

_Yes, I see that._

_And Edward can't be in two places at once._

_Yep, still following._

_So if Edward is sitting there, then he's obviously not the one lying next to you!_

My eyes widened at the thought. My head quickly turned to identify whose arms I had slept in. Mike was still asleep beside me. I wasn't sure exactly how I'd gotten here. I mean, I knew I'd gone to sleep alone, but I certainly didn't wake up that way.

I looked back to Edward, and our gazes held. It was as if his eyes were trying to have a conversation with me, but I didn't understand the language they were speaking. His eyes were definitely trying to tell me something, but the sadness in them was so overwhelming, it blocked out everything else. Edward was hurting, that much was obvious. And all I knew was that I couldn't stand to see it. I had to help him. I had to make it better for him. I just didn't know how.

"Edward," I whispered.

The sound of my voice seemed to break the connection holding us together. Edward closed his eyes. Without saying a word, he simply stood up and walked out. I heard his footsteps cross the kitchen floor and the front door open and close.

I wanted to go to him. Everything inside of me was screaming at me to follow him. There was only one problem. I couldn't. I was trapped in Mike's embrace.

Carefully, I lifted Mike's arm and moved it off of me. Mike stirred in his sleep, and I was afraid that I'd awakened him. But he soon settled back down, his breathing again became deep and even. Feeling it was safe, I pulled the blanket from me and stood up as quietly as I could.

I surveyed the room before me. There were bodies lying everywhere. They were covering chairs and couches and almost every inch of the floor around me. Everyone else was still sleeping. I tiptoed through the minefield of my friends, hoping not to make any noise or to step on anyone. I had to get out. I had to follow Edward. And I didn't want any witnesses.

I reached the front door and winced as it creaked open. I slipped outside and closed it gently behind me. It was a cool spring morning, and I rubbed my arms against the chill as I looked around me. Edward was nowhere to be found. With the forest so close to the house, he could be anywhere. He could be quite close. He could be watching me from somewhere in the trees, and I'd never know. Or he could be so far away from me that I'd never find him, even if I tried. I would just have to wait for him, and hope that he'd eventually come to me.

I sat down at the edge of Emmett's front porch. The concrete was cold beneath me, but I couldn't think about that right now. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I would wait for Edward…but what if he was too late? What if he waited too long? What if he didn't come to me until everyone else was awake? I wouldn't get my chance with him. I wouldn't be able to talk to him, to explain.

_To explain what exactly?_

_I need to tell Edward that nothing happened between Mike and me. He needs to know that I have no idea why I woke up in Mike's arms this morning._

_And why do you feel the need to tell him that? You don't belong to him. He has no claim on you. You did not cheat on him. You are not his girlfriend. He has a girlfriend, and it's not you. You don't owe him any sort of explanation._

I sighed deeply. But before I could gather my thoughts to refute myself, I heard the door squeak open behind me. I closed my eyes and willed whoever it was to leave me alone. Instead I felt my coat being wrapped around my shoulders.

"Bella, are you okay?" Emmett asked me.

I looked up at him and nodded my head. "I'm fine, Emmett. I just needed some fresh air. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, I'm an early riser. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I don't seem able to sleep past 8 o'clock."

"Yeah, me too."

"Would you like to take a walk with me? It'll get the blood pumping. It's too cold to just sit here like this," he said.

I wanted with all my heart to wait for Edward, but with Emmett here, what did it matter? I wouldn't be able to really talk to him like I wanted to anyway.

"Sure. Help me up."

Emmett pulled me to my feet, and we set off across his yard. Emmett found the beginning of a path at the edge of the forest, and we followed it into the trees. Knowing what a klutz I was, Emmett set a leisurely pace. He would take my hand to help me over the rocks and roots embedded in my way. We walked in silence for awhile, just listening to the sounds of our footsteps and the morning song of the birds surrounding us. So I was a little startled when Emmett began to speak.

"Bella, I think we need to talk."

"Okay, Emmett. What's on your mind?" I asked him.

"I've been watching you, baby girl. And I'm not pleased with what I'm seeing."

"What did I do?" I asked bewildered at what I could have possibly done wrong in Emmett's estimation.

"Calm down. I'm not accusing you of anything. You haven't done anything wrong. It's just…" Emmett looked at me and sighed. "You're not happy, Bella. You deserve to be happy, but you're just not."

"I see. And you think you know what will make me happy?" I asked.

"No. I think I know what will make you not completely miserable," he answered.

"Huh?"

"Look, Bella. You're the only one of us that's alone. Now, I know that alone is not necessarily a bad thing. But it's not just that you're alone – you're lonely, and there's a huge difference in that." Emmett took my hand again and squeezed it.

I looked down at the path at my feet, thinking over what Emmett had just said. "Yes, Emmett, you're right. I _am _lonely, but I'm not sure what I can do about that."

"It's simple, Bella. Don't be alone anymore. Find someone to be with."

"It's not quite that simple, Emmett. To find someone to love. It's much more complicated than you make it sound."

"Who said anything about love?" he asked. "I said find someone to be with."

I just looked at him for a minute, trying to figure out what he meant. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Bella, I know you think I was too drunk to be paying attention last night, but I wasn't. I was actually extremely focused during our drinking game. I know more about what's going on than you realize. And I just don't think it's at all healthy for you."

I didn't know what to say to that. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I might say something that I didn't want anyone, not even Emmett, to know. So I just didn't say anything.

Emmett put his arm around my shoulders. "You've never even been kissed before, Bella. And that's just sad. You deserve to have someone to kiss you. You deserve to have someone who's available and willing to care for you."

My heart gave a little twinge when Emmett said that last part. The trouble was that the one I wanted was _not_ available. "I'm still not sure exactly what you're suggesting, Emmett. You want me to have some sort of hook-up?" I asked.

"No. I'm not suggesting a hook-up, Bella. And I'm definitely not telling you to go out and lose your virginity to the first bozo that crosses your path. What I'm saying is that you should start dating."

"Emmett, I don't feel like I could date just anybody."

"You don't have to be desperately in love with someone to date them, baby girl. Isn't that what dating is supposed to be all about – taking somebody for a test drive, seeing if they're worth making an offer on?"

"Are we discussing finding me a boyfriend or buying me my first car?"

Emmett smirked at me. "Same difference. The first one is usually a fixer-upper that you really don't intend to keep long."

"Emmett! That's terrible!" I tried to give him a stern look but couldn't help laughing.

"I'm just being honest, Bella. We're in high school. You're only fifteen, for Christ's sake. Do you know the likelihood of finding the one you're destined to be with forever while in high school? And even if you do, do you know just how damn hard it is to stay together through all the growing up bullshit we still have to do? This isn't our grandparents' generation anymore. The happily-ever-after high school sweethearts shit is a thing of the past." Emmett's voice had become wistful, and he'd turned back toward the way we'd come as he spoke.

It was my turn to take his hand and squeeze. "We're not talking about me anymore, are we?"

"No, I guess we aren't. I'm sorry. It's just…" He ran his hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. "I just don't know what to do about Rosalie. She wasn't my first – you've heard enough gossip in this town to know that. But I've never felt for anyone the way I feel about her, Bella. I love her. I honestly do. I just don't know what to do about it though. She's so young. When I graduate and go off to college, she'll still have two more years of high school left. It's absolutely insane for me to ever think that we're going to last. But…"

"But?" I asked.

He looked at me and smiled tentatively. "But I so desperately want to believe that it's possible."

"Have you talked to her about it? Have you told her how you feel?"

"No. I'm afraid I'll scare her off if I do."

"Emmett, I've become really good friends with Rosalie. And I think I know her well enough to say without a doubt that you couldn't scare that girl off if you tried. You're not giving her enough credit right now, and I'm a little ashamed of you! Rose is strong and stubborn and afraid of absolutely nothing. But most importantly, she loves you just as much as you love her. I can see it every time she looks at you. Of course, it's not going to be easy for you two, but I think that if you tell her how you feel, Rosalie will be more than up to the challenge. She'll hang in there with you for as long as it takes."

There was hope shining in Emmett's eyes now. "Do you really think so?"

"I do."

"Thanks, Bella. I feel a whole lot better now."

"You're welcome, Emmett."

He sighed once in relief, and I thought our heart-to-heart was finally over. But Emmett had other ideas apparently. "Okay, so back to you."

"Aw, Emmett. I thought we were done with this already. You think I should date. I got it. I just don't know what you want me to do about it. I'm not asking out a guy."

"Bella Swan, if the femi-nazis could hear you now. They'd kick you out of the club in a heartbeat," Emmett laughed.

"I didn't say that a woman shouldn't ask a guy out. Just that I didn't feel comfortable doing it…at least, not yet."

"You really have no idea of the power that you have over men, do you, Bella? It just amazes me how innocent and naïve you still are. Part of me wishes that you could remain that way forever, baby girl. But the truth is that sooner or later innocent and naïve are going to get you hurt. Please, let me help you. Take my advice and ease into this thing."

"What thing?" I asked him. Emmett had lost me again.

"The world of male-female relationships, Bella. It's a world you're going to have to enter sooner or later. The truth is you already have without even knowing it. Just let me guide you a bit."

"Okay, Emmett. Why don't you quit being Cryptic-man and just tell me exactly what you mean."

"Mike Newton."

"Mike Newton? Yes? What about him?" I asked.

"He likes you, Bella," Emmett stated.

"I know that, Emmett. Of course, he likes me. He and I are friends."

"Uh huh. There's that innocent and naïve I was talking about just leaking out all over."

"What do you mean, Emmett?"

"Bella, Mike Newton so obviously wants to be more than your friend. He couldn't keep his eyes off of you last night. Hell, he couldn't keep his hands off of you either. If he thinks that I didn't notice, boy, does he have another think coming. And if the two of you do end up getting together, that boy and I are going to have a little talk about that."

"You're imagining things, Emmett. Mike doesn't think about me that way. We're just good friends," I argued.

"Good friends, huh? Bella, a good friend doesn't follow you around like a puppy dog all night. He doesn't make a fool out of himself just to make you laugh. He doesn't take every possible opportunity to touch you. And a good friend does not purposely wrap you up in his arms while you're sleeping."

"Jesus, Emmett. You're blowing things way out of proportion again. Good friends joke and laugh with each other. They spend time together. They touch each other. Geez, I'm so touchy-feely with you and Jasper that half the school thought I'd fucked you both."

Emmett winced. He really hated it when I brought up that old rumor. "There's a difference, Bella. I can tell the difference between the kind of stuff that goes on between friends and flat out flirting. Newton has been flirting with you as if his life depended on it. He's been giving you the full-court press. He wants you to see him as more than a friend. Believe me."

I wasn't ready to give up yet. I just couldn't accept the possibility that Emmett could be right about Mike. I went on like he'd never interrupted me. "And the idea that he put his arm around me on purpose is just ridiculous. We were lying close together last night, so we could keep an eye on Edward. I'm sure that Mike just rolled over and threw his arm over me in his sleep. You can't control what you do in your sleep, you know. It was cold last night, I'm sure he just snuggled close to me because of my body heat. It's a completely natural involuntary response."

"Gee, Bella. That was truly fascinating. Exactly how many lame excuses was that in a row? You're really good at that. You're going to have to teach me how to do that one of these days," Emmett's eyes twinkled and his lips twitched.

"They're not excuses. They're logical explanations," I retorted.

"Logical explanations, huh? Here's a logical explanation for you. I saw Mike lie down next to you last night on my way back from the bathroom. You were lying on your side away from him. He scooted as close to you as he possibly could get and wrapped his arm around you. How's that for a logical explanation? You woke up in his arms, because that's exactly where he wanted you to be."

My mouth dropped open, and I stared at Emmett. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. "Wait, Emmett. That doesn't sound like you. You say that you saw Mike snuggle next to me in my sleep, and you didn't do anything about it?"

"Well, I won't lie. I thought about hitting him so hard that when he woke up, his clothes would be out of style," Emmett chuckled. "But Newton's really a good guy. I knew he wasn't doing it to just cop a feel or to take advantage of you in any way. If I had doubted his intentions at all, he would be breathing through a tube this morning. No, I watched him. And he just settled in beside you and went to sleep. He respects you, Bella. And he definitely thinks of you as more than a good friend."

"Emmett, I don't know what to say. I've never really thought of Mike as more than a friend. And I don't know if I can."

"Just think about it, Bella. You don't have to decide anything right now. But if you do decide to give Mike a chance, all you'll have to do is give him the slightest encouragement. He'll know when you're ready."

"But, Emmett, what if I'm never ready," I asked in a whisper.

"If not Mike, then find someone else. But, Bella, you can't spend your life pining for Edward Cullen."

My head snapped up, and I stared at Emmett in shock. "You know about my feelings for Edward?"

"Remember how you said that you could see Rose's love for me every time she looks at me."

"Yes."

"Well, I can see yours for Edward the same way. Jasper has told me that he can actually feel your love for Edward coming off you in waves."

"Wait. Jasper knows?"

"Baby girl, everybody knows. Well, everybody except for Edward. That boy is just clueless."

"Well, thank God for small favors! I don't want him to know." I took a deep breath to try to steady my nerves. "So, you've all been talking about me behind my back?"

"Bella, we were just worried about you. You can't waste your time having feelings for a guy who won't allow himself to return them. You deserve more than that. Now, I'm not saying that Mike is going to make you forget all about Edward. I'm not claiming that he's going to become the love of your life. But he could be a fun distraction. He would treat you well. And he isn't afraid to show his feelings for you. All very good reasons for you to give him serious consideration."

"But, Emmett, if I go out with Mike knowing that I really love Edward, won't I be using him?"

"Bella, I know you. If you say yes to Mike, you'll be giving him a sincere chance. It's not using him if you're willing to try and put yourself out there for him. And you'll be giving yourself a chance too – a chance to maybe find something special with someone who is also willing to put themselves out there for you."

I kicked at a root that was half buried in the path. I need to focus on something other than Emmett for a moment. He'd given me so much information, and I felt overwhelmed by it all. I sighed and finally told him, "I'm not ready to make a decision yet, Emmett. But I will think about what you said."

"That's all I'm asking for, Bella."

"Emmett?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think we should head back now? People are going to be getting ready to leave soon, and I'd hate to miss saying goodbye to anyone."

"You mean, you'd hate to miss saying goodbye to Edward," Emmett said with a scowl.

"I'm sorry, Emmett. I'm not a light switch. I can't just turn my feelings for him on and off. But I know that he belongs to someone else. And I really will consider trying to move on. Right now, though, I feel like I have to see him. He was upset earlier, and I just have to make sure that he's okay."

"Bella, I'm not sure that Edward deserves your kindness right now."

"Be fair, Emmett. It's not Edward's fault that he can't feel for me what I do for him. He can't help the way he feels."

"Yes, but he can help what he's doing with those feelings."

I waited for Emmett to say more, to explain what he'd meant by that, but he didn't. He was back to being Mr. Cryptic, and I was just too overwhelmed to figure him out any more today. I huffed at Emmett and turned to walk back toward the house.

"Uh, Bella?"

"What is it now, Emmett?" I was short with him, but I really didn't care.

"The house is that way," he said, pointing in the opposite direction. His eyes were dancing and a grin was tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Well, what do I look like to you, a Boy Scout?" I asked him, ticked off that he was enjoying himself at my expense…again.

"Oh hell no, Swan. I've never met a Boy Scout with curves quite as luscious as yours."

I blushed and then giggled. "Now there's the Emmett that I know and love. Home please, Geeves," I commanded, pointing a finger imperiously in the direction of Emmett's house.

"Yes, Mistress. Oh, Bella. I like the sound of that. May I call you Mistress all the time? And when I do, could you wear something black and all in leather?"

"Sure, Emmett. We'll just run that by Rosalie as soon as we get back to make sure it's okay with her."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"No, but it's fun watching you squirm at the possibility."

Emmett and I teased each other all the way back to his place. When we got there, Edward was still missing. When I asked Jasper if he'd seen him around anywhere, he told me that Edward had asked Ben for a ride home. He was already gone.

Just as I had feared, I'd missed my chance with him.

* * *

So, are you guys mad at Emmett right now? Or do you think he gave Bella some sound advice? I'd love to hear what you think.

**I'd like to mention that the Indie Awards are coming up. Nominations open on January 18****th****. The Indie awards were conceived with the single purpose of promoting new authors and bringing attention to quality fics that may be as yet undiscovered. Please take a moment to look at the website, learn about how to nominate, and familiarize yourself with the categories. **

**http://www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com/**

**And now for a moment of completely uncharacteristic self-promotion on my part…if any of you felt moved to nominate On a Lonesome Road, I would be thrilled! Okay, that's enough of that. Now I'm all blushing and shit.**

Chapter 10 will be posted next Tuesday, January 19th.

Thanks to all my readers and to Nina, Gemma, Delta and Ravyn.


	10. Rites of Spring

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Important A/N at the bottom.**

Chapter 10 – Rites of Spring

Three weeks later, I still hadn't made any sort of decision about Mike. What Emmett had said to me made a lot of sense. I was currently wasting my life pining for someone I couldn't have. It had been almost a year since I'd met Edward Cullen, and I'd done nothing in that time but long endlessly for the unattainable.

_Well, that and fight my gag reflex every time I saw Edward and Tanya kissing. _

_Yeah, that too. Oh and make a complete and total fool of yourself. Make sure you don't forget that one._

_Yes, thank you so much for reminding me of the humiliation. I appreciate it._

_It's nothing. What are internal monologues for?_

I decided that I was incapable of making this decision without some help. Emmett had given me his perspective on things, but his opinions concerning me would always be clouded by his need to protect me. Besides, he was a guy. And although it was great that I had fantastic guy friends who were willing and able to give me the male perspective on issues great and small, I sincerely thought that I needed objective female opinions on the question of Mike too. Well, Alice and Rosalie wouldn't be completely objective. They loved me just as much as Emmett did, so that would affect their advice. But they were the only two girls I felt comfortable talking about this stuff with. Who else was I going to talk to? Lauren? Uh, that would be a no.

Alice and I would be sleeping over at Rosalie's house after the Spring Musical on Friday night. It was the girls' opening night, and we'd wanted to celebrate afterwards. We knew we'd all be wound up after the performance, so a girls' night seemed like the perfect celebration. The boys could come over for a little while, and then we could stay up late talking about them behind their backs after they left. And I would have my chance to finally ask them what I should do with my life. Heaven knows I was doing a total shit job of living it on my own.

~*~

Friday afternoon, the six of us met up at Rosalie's after school. Alice and I dropped our stuff off for the sleepover, and we all took the opportunity to eat something before we had to head back to school. Jasper had hit the Mickey D's drive thru for everyone on the way over. And I don't think I'd ever had such a quiet meal with this group before, but we simply didn't have time to talk. We had to be at school by 4:30 at the latest.

When we arrived at school and walked into the band room hallway, I saw Mike leaning against the wall. When he noticed us, he pushed away from the wall and walked toward us. I saw that he looked pale and fidgety. He had been cast as one of the main characters in the musical, and he looked like he had a bad case of stage fright.

"Hi, Mike," I greeted him. "Are you nervous? You look nervous."

"Do I? Well, I think petrified would be a better description. I'm not sure I can do this, Bella."

"You'll be fine. I just know it. Once you get out there, you'll forget all about your nerves and just get into it. You did great at dress rehearsal."

"Do you really think so?" he asked me.

"Absolutely. I have faith in you."

Mike still looked terrified. Impulsively, I stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. "For luck," I told him.

Emmett wolf-whistled and Edward scowled. I ignored them both.

Mike looked extremely pleased for a moment, and then a completely mortified expression spread over his face.

"Is something wrong, Mike?" I asked.

"It's just…umm…I'm not going to find out someday soon that you're actually my long-lost twin sister, am I?"

Everyone laughed. Well, everyone but Edward. But he could just get over himself.

"Careful there, Mike," I teased him. "I think your Star Wars geekdom is showing."

"Where? Where?" Mike made a careful inspection of himself, trying to locate the source of the geek leak.

"Smartass." I laughed at him.

"Yeah, well, at least I feel better about tonight, Bella. Thank you." He smiled sincerely at me.

He really did have a nice smile.

And with that, Mike, Rosalie, and Alice left for voice warm-ups. We wouldn't see them again until after the musical was over. Emmett and Jasper started toward the band room for our own warm-ups; and I started to follow them, but Edward grabbed my arm, stopping me.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Bella?" he asked me.

The look on his face and the tone of his voice left me little doubt that he was angry with me…again.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Edward."

"What's with all the flirting between you and Newton?"

I didn't like where this conversation was heading. Frankly, I was a little tired of Edward's attitude.

"I wasn't flirting, Edward. I was trying to keep a friend of mine from being a nervous wreck on his opening night," I told him.

"That's bullshit, Bella. You were flirting. If he was just a friend, you wouldn't have kissed him."

"I kissed him on the cheek, for Christ's sake. I would do the same for Emmett or Jasper or even you if you ever needed it. Of course, that wouldn't happen, because you _all _have your girlfriends for that sort of thing."

"See. You admit that it was a girlfriend type thing to do," he said smugly.

"You know, Edward. What if it was? What if I was flirting shamelessly with Mike? What business is it of yours?" I asked.

"I just don't think it's very nice of you to lead him on that way."

"Who says I'm leading him on? Who says that I'm not seriously considering going out with him?"

"You did. You just finished telling me that you and Mike were just friends."

"We are friends for now, but that could always change. Maybe I'm tired of being alone, Edward. Emmett has Rosalie. Alice has Jasper. You have Tanya. Why am I the only one not allowed to have anybody?"

"Mike Newton is all wrong for you."

"Yeah, Edward? And just exactly who do you think would be right for me? Please, give me a name and point me in the right direction. Because I'm sick of waiting for Prince Charming already."

Edward opened his mouth to say something else, and then seemed to change his mind. Instead, he just left me standing there. He walked away from me and into the band room.

I sighed and followed him.

~*~

The musical went off without a hitch. Alice and Rosalie were both terrific, and they were completely shocked by the roses that Emmett and Jasper gave them after the show. Jasper had had his mom bring the bouquets with her, so they would be a surprise. Emmett explained that there was no way he and Jasper were going to let their girls have their first opening night without roses. It would have been a travesty to do so. Alice and Rosalie had squealed when they saw the bouquets and thrown their arms around the guys for thank you kisses. I felt that twinge of loneliness prickle inside of me again. There was no one to bring me flowers or even to kiss me after the show.

When we got back to Rosalie's, we decided to hang out in her den and watch a movie before the boys had to go home. The guys said that, in honor of the girls' night, they would let us choose the movie and wouldn't even complain about the chick flickness of whatever we chose. We decided not to torture them and chose Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was something we all could enjoy. Besides, the movie was really just background noise to our conversation anyway.

I could tell that Emmett had something on his mind. His lips had been twitching and his eyes had been sparkling with mischief all the way through the musical. I knew he was just waiting for all of us to get settled before he let us know what had him so amused. I was right. As soon as Rosalie had started the movie and we all got comfortable, Emmett turned to Alice.

"Hey, Alice. I'm really curious about something. Could you tell me what Lauren's part was exactly?"

Alice seemed to be confused by Emmett's question. "She was just a member of the chorus. Why do you ask, Emmett?"

"Are you sure her part wasn't 'Town Slut' or something like that?"

I knew exactly what Emmett was talking about, of course. Forks High productions are not well financed. There are costumes provided only for lead roles. Everyone in the chorus was responsible for providing their own. Lauren had been dressed in an electric blue, floor-length gown that must have once been a prom dress. She wore the ruffled neckline off the shoulder, exposing more of her creamy skin to the audience. But that wasn't all. Every time the chorus was onstage singing an ensemble piece, Lauren would pick up the hem of her dress and show off one of her legs – all the way up to the top of her thigh. She hadn't done that in dress rehearsal, so I was kind of taken aback when she did it the first time. But after about the fourth or fifth time she flashed the thigh, the novelty had worn off.

Rosalie and Alice hadn't seen any of Lauren's antics. They were too focused on their performances to pay her any attention. So they were more than a little surprised when we explained what Lauren had done. The boys were only too happy to supply the details. You see, from our seats in the orchestra pit, we'd had not only a front-row view, but we also saw everything at an upward angle. It certainly made for quite the show.

"Okay, was I the only one who noticed Lauren wasn't wearing panties?" Jasper asked us.

"Jasper Whitlock! Why were you looking?" Alice smacked Jasper.

"I couldn't help it, darlin'. I wasn't expecting her to lift her skirt that way. It was right there. I averted my eyes. I did, I swear. But I couldn't unsee what had already been seen. If it's any consolation, I kinda wanted to bleach my eyes afterward."

"Take it easy on Jasper, Alice. It was like the scene of an accident. You just couldn't look away. And I, too, now have firsthand knowledge that Snickers is not a natural blonde – along with two-thirds of the male population of Forks High. Jasper, I think you should let her borrow the bleach after you're done with your eyes; maybe she could use it to match the carpet to the drapes," Emmett smirked.

"Well, I was sitting in the same place as the rest of you, and I felt no compulsion to look up _Lauren's_ skirt," I had emphasized Lauren's name and thrown a glare Emmett's way to remind him how much I hated that degrading nickname he insisted on calling her.

"I know, Bella. But it would have been so hot if you had." Emmett waggled his eyebrows at me.

Rosalie smacked Emmett for good measure.

"Ouch. What? We're only human, right Cullen?"

Edward hadn't said anything until now. He really looked as if he'd like to skip this conversation altogether. But since Emmett had singled him out, he knew there was no escape now.

"Alright, I admit it. I looked. But just that one time. Like the guys said, it was like you couldn't _not _look. Blame it on the raging teenage male hormones."

"It seems to me that you guys blame entirely too much on the raging teenage male hormones," I scoffed.

"Well, regardless of whether or not you accept the hormone defense, we all looked," Emmett said.

"The hormone defense? Is that anything like the Twinkie defense," I mumbled under my breath to Alice. She giggled in response.

Emmett ignored us and went on, "So I was just wondering if 'Town Slut' was actually the role Snickers was supposed to be playing. Because I was thinking that maybe it was some really brilliant typecasting."

~*~

After the boys left, we took our time getting ready for bed. We put on our pajamas, brushed our teeth, and washed our faces before settling down in Rose's room for the night. We still weren't tired. It had been an exciting night, especially for Rosalie and Alice, so there was no way we were going to sleep anytime soon. The three of us sprawled out on Rosalie's bed and started to talk. Of course, this was exactly what I'd hoped for. Now I just needed to find a subtle way to work my worries about Edward and Mike into the conversation.

"Emmett thinks that I should start dating Mike Newton," I blurted out.

_Oh yeah, that was the epitome of subtlety and smoothness right there._

Rosalie raised an eyebrow at me. "And what do you think, Bella. Do you want to date Mike?"

"I don't know. He's a nice enough guy. I really do like him. But…"

"But, he's not Edward?" Alice asked.

Rosalie answered her, "No, he's not Edward. But is that really such a bad thing?"

"What do you mean, Rose?" I wanted to know.

"Well, I mean, what has Edward Cullen done for the last ten months but mindfuck the hell out of you? You're not imagining things, Bella. We've all seen how he acts around you. He's always running hot and cold. If I didn't know better, I'd think that boy had multiple personalities…and _you_ never know which one you're going to run into."

"Bella, he lights up when he's around you. He flirts with you. And I truly think that he cares about you – but evidently not enough to give up Tanya for you," Alice added.

"Gee, Alice, don't sugarcoat it on my account," I told her sarcastically.

"Well, Alice has a point. We probably should have said something to you about this before, Bella. It's just… I guess we were all hoping that Edward would get his shit together if we gave him some time."

"So, you think that Edward does have some sort of feelings for me, after all? He just doesn't care as much for me as he does Tanya?"

"I don't know," Alice said. "I can't be sure what's going on in Edward's head. I can only tell you that I've seen Edward with you and I've seen him with Tanya. And he is not the carefree, joyful person with her that he is with you. Geez, you practically make him glow. Well, that is when you're not completely pissing him off."

"And why is that? Can someone please explain to me why Edward always seems to be mad at me these days?" I asked.

Rosalie patted my shoulder. "I would think that would be fairly obvious to you, Bella. Edward is so jealous that he can't even see straight."

"He's jealous of me and Mike?"

"He's jealous of you and anybody," Alice corrected me. "Honestly, I'd love to just smack Edward Cullen right now. It's like he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either."

"I second the smacking idea. He so needs it at the moment. He's such a hypocrite! He won't break up with his girlfriend for you, but it infuriates him to even see you talk to another guy. I think maybe he wants you to be available just in case he one day finds his balls and decides to break up with Tanya." Rosalie let out a most unladylike snort, "Yeah, like that's ever going to happen. If he hasn't found them by now, I sincerely doubt he ever will. Although, I am seriously considering buying him a magnifying glass for his birthday…a strong one."

Alice laughed at Rosalie, and I couldn't help but join in. I mean, my heart was breaking, but the idea of Rosalie explaining to Edward exactly why she'd given him the magnifying glass was just too funny. Oh and she would too, with pleasure…and maybe even detailed step-by-step instructions.

When the laughter died away, the three of us were silent for a few moments. I felt the need to confirm what I thought they'd been telling me.

"So what are you guys saying? I should give up on Edward? Even though I love him? Even though you think he cares about me?"

"The bottom line is and always will be that he already has a girlfriend, Bella. And until Edward decides to finally change that, you shouldn't waste any more time on him," Alice said.

"I agree one hundred percent. It's time you showed him that you're done waiting around for him," Rosalie added. "Now, whether or not you want to do that with Mike is up to you."

"But do you think Mike would be a good choice for me?" I asked.

Alice took my hand and squeezed it, "I think Mike would be good for you. It would certainly be a nice change for you, to have a boy who can give you his whole heart. But, Bella, I think you should be careful about how deeply you get into things with Mike."

"Explain please, Alice," I requested.

"I mean that Mike feels more for you than you do for him, at least at this point. Sooner or later, he'll want to push physical boundaries with you. I just don't think you should let him talk you into anything like that without love."

"The translation of that into modern English is this," Rosalie began. "Someday soon Mike is going to be begging to get into your pants. Don't give in and let him pop your cherry just because you feel sorry for him."

I blushed. "You know, Rose, you always have such a colorful way of putting things. No wonder Emmett worships you."

Rosalie laughed, "Yeah, you know, sometimes I don't know if I rubbed off on him or if he rubbed off on me. Maybe we just rub off on each other…and against each other is fun too." She winked at me.

"That reminds me. Alice Brandon! What exactly are you doing with Jasper?" I demanded.

"Hmm… Could you be a little more specific, Bella?"

"Okay, specifically, have you and Jasper done the deed yet? Because at Wild Turkey it sounded like you guys had done everything but."

"Oh, that," she said blushing.

"Yes, that," I answered. "I'm not only family, but I'm also your best friend. Shouldn't I be the first in line for all the naughty details? And I had to find out during a drinking game just how far you two have gone? I'm wounded, Alice," I said half-jokingly.

"Well, I wasn't purposely keeping details from you, Bella – or you either, Rosalie. It's just, we've been so wrapped up with the guys lately, that we haven't had a good girl talk session in forever. I just haven't had a chance to get you guys up-to-date."

"We're here now. No guys. It's just us. So spill," Rosalie commanded.

"Alright, I'll talk, but then I have a few questions for you, Rose," Alice replied.

"Wait. Before we start, I have one question," I stated.

"Shoot," Alice said.

"Are we going to set a TMI limit?" I asked.

A wicked, evil grin curved over Rosalie's lips. "Do you honestly believe that anything is going to be off limits with me in the room?"

"Sorry. Silly question. I don't know what I was thinking," I laughed.

Rose and I turned to Alice and looked at her expectantly, cuing her to proceed. She sighed loudly, "To answer your question, Bella, no Jasper and I haven't had sex yet. We've kissed, we've made out, clothing has been removed, and we've even gone down on each other, but we don't plan to go any further than that for quite awhile."

"I don't understand. If you've done everything else, what's the hold up on having sex?" Rosalie asked.

"My age," Alice answered.

Rosalie looked as if she suddenly got it, but I was still confused. "I'm sorry, Alice, but I must be slow today. Your age?"

"Bella, you know I just turned fifteen in January." I nodded, and she continued, "The age of consent in Washington is sixteen. Jasper's really paranoid about me being jailbait. He's hoping we can hold out until after my next birthday. If you want my opinion, he's dreaming. There's no way we're going to be able to hold out that long. When we're together like that, it just gets harder and harder to put the brakes on. One of these days, we aren't going to stop."

"I don't know, Alice. That sounds dangerous to me," Rosalie interrupted, "you two pushing one another's buttons until all the blood has rushed from your brains. If you give in to the heat of the moment, that has unplanned pregnancy written all over it."

"Oh no, we've thought of that. Jasper always carries a condom with him, and there are more of them in his glove compartment. Just in case."

"Well, make sure he doesn't just stick condoms in convenient places and then forget all about them. Those things have expiration dates. Make sure you guys pay attention to them. And if Jasper is carrying one around in his wallet, make sure he changes it frequently. I've heard more than one horror story about a girl who got pregnant because her boyfriend had been carrying the same condom around in his wallet forever before they finally put it to good use. Besides, Jasper will want to move that thing around. It's a seriously embarrassing guy moment when he pulls out his wallet to pay for something, and it has a rubber ring – or so I've been told."

We all laughed at that. Emmett had evidently been telling Rosalie tales.

"Do you and Emmett use condoms, Rose," Alice asked.

"We do for now. After my birthday, I'm going to have a talk with my mom about going on the pill. We really don't like condoms. They just feel…weird. I don't know how to describe it. Kinda like having sex with a raincoat on, I guess."

Alice's brow furrowed. "So you're not worried about STDs?"

"No, I'm not. Emmett never really slept around. He's only been with two girls besides me, and he told me that he's always used a condom. The only reason we're talking about stopping the condoms and me going on the pill is because we're serious about each other. We're going to be together for a long time. We're committed. We love each other. I know Emmett wouldn't cheat on me, and I won't cheat on him."

"Does Emmett worry about the jailbait thing like Jasper?" I asked.

"I wouldn't say he's totally unconcerned about it. We try to make sure not to broadcast what we're doing outside our circle of close friends. But we only have to worry about it until I turn sixteen in July. We only have three more months…unlike Alice and Jasper."

I had a question I wanted to ask, but I was a little embarrassed. I took a deep breath and tried to get it out, "So, can I ask you guys… What's it like, giving a blowjob? Do you…you know…umm…do you swallow?"

The girls laughed. Alice said, "Well, I thought I would hate it, but I don't. I think it's because I love Jasper, and I like giving him pleasure. About the only thing about it I don't like…"

Rosalie broke in, "Let me guess. You like it up until he comes in your mouth."

Alice grinned. "Yep. I mean, I do swallow, but it's not exactly the best taste in the world."

Rosalie nodded, "I know just what you mean, Alice." I was looking from Alice to Rosalie. They were laughing together at some inside joke, and I felt completely left out.

"So, what does it taste like exactly?" I wanted to know.

"I don't know. It's another one of those things that's hard to describe," Rosalie said, "It's a little salty, and it has kind of a bitter aftertaste to it."

"Then why would you swallow it?" I asked.

Alice answered my question, "Honestly, Bella. I wouldn't know how _not _to swallow. It just comes out so fast and there's so much of it, it just seems natural to swallow, at least to me. Rose?"

"Yeah, I have to agree. I haven't figured out the spitting thing myself. Besides, Emmett likes that I swallow for some reason. I think it's a guy thing. Anyway, I also agree with Alice that love makes a difference. It's something I enjoy because of my feelings for Emmett. I don't think I could be like some of the girls at school that just give head to any random guy that crosses their path."

Alice looked at Rosalie and said, "Okay Rose, it's time for those questions I told you I had for you."

"Yes?" Rosalie responded, waiting for Alice to continue.

"Well, you told Bella and me that you lost your virginity to Emmett, but you never gave us any details. Since I know it's only a matter of time for Jasper and me, I was hoping you'd tell me about it. Prepare me a little, so I know what to expect when it does happen."

"Where would you like me to start?" Rosalie asked.

"Does it really hurt?"

"Oh fuck yeah." Rosalie actually winced at the memory.

That was not very comforting to the two remaining virgins in the room.

Rosalie continued, "I really don't like to think about Emmett's prior experience, but I have to say, I was glad we weren't both virgins. At least one of us knew what we were doing. But even though Emmett was gentle and patient with me, it still felt like he was splitting me in two. I've never felt pain like that before. But it didn't hurt like that for too long. Still, it's not like the romance novels make it out to be. It wasn't just a slight sting and then a string of blissful orgasms. I really don't know who writes that shit, but there's more than one reason you'll find it in the fiction section."

"Did you bleed?" Alice asked her.

"Yes, and I bled a lot more than I was expecting to. More romance novel brainwashing. I actually think that those books are part of a conspiracy to convince girls that it's actually a good idea to give up their virginity. It's all an evil male plot, I tell you."

"Now you're starting to sound like me, Rose," I told her. I normally would have laughed, but after everything the girls had said, I wasn't feeling very jovial at the moment.

Alice didn't look extremely happy-go-lucky either. Actually, her face had gone pale and her eyes wide. She cleared her throat and said, "Thanks, Rose."

"For what," Rosalie asked her.

"I think you just gave me the willpower to say no to Jasper for a good long while. We still might not make it to my birthday, but I'm sure we'll last a lot longer than we would have if you hadn't told me all of this."

I agreed, "Yeah. I don't think I've ever been so glad to have no prospect of losing my virginity in the foreseeable future. You're talking to one completely contented virgin right here."

"I didn't mean to scare you guys. I mean, I want to make sure you both know what you're getting into. But I also have to tell you that it only really hurts that first time. Once that's over, and you're not sore anymore, sex is really great. At least, it is with Emmett."

"Hmmm… Well it's too bad we can't all have Emmett," I teased Rosalie.

She laughed and said, "Nope. Sorry ladies. Emmett is all mine, and Rosalie Hale never shares."

Soon after that, we decided to call it a night. Rosalie and Alice quickly fell asleep. I could hear the sounds of their even breathing fill the room. But I couldn't sleep. I lay there, staring into the darkness and thinking about everything the girls had told me. Everyone seemed to think it was time for me to forget Edward and move on. Emmett. Rosalie. Alice. Hell, I had even told myself that more times than I could count. In my head, I knew that they were right. But my heart? My heart remained steadfastly unconvinced.

* * *

**Nominations for the Indie Awards are now open!**

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I have to thank (blame?) DeltaSwan90, RavynNightstorm, and Gemmabobella for the inspiration for the girl talk scene. That entire idea just may have been born from a drunken gchat that occurred between the four of us late one night. Thanks guys!

I'd also like to thank everyone who had continued to follow this story. I am humbled by your support. And for those of you who take the time to review, I truly appreciate and treasure each one.

Chapter 11 will be posted next Tuesday, January 26th.


	11. Goodbye to You

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Important A/N at the bottom.**

Chapter 11 – Goodbye to You

So what did I decide to do about Mike? Well, I decided _not _to decide. I knew I was avoiding, but I just wasn't ready to face the ramifications of that decision yet. A huge part of me – I don't know if it was my heart or my very soul – just couldn't bear giving up on Edward. The very idea made my breath catch and a sharp pain shoot through my chest. I couldn't lose Edward. Everything in me rejected the very idea. But the truth was that I already was losing him. The truth was that he was never mine to lose in the first place.

I continued my friendship with Mike, and we had grown even closer. He sat next to me in every class we had together. We walked together between classes whenever possible. I invited him to join me at my table for lunch, and he was warmly welcomed by Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper. I knew that the general population of Forks High assumed that Mike and I were a couple, and I didn't do or say anything to discourage that assumption. He was endearing and easy to talk to and always made me laugh. Mike was everything to me that Edward had once been…and simply wasn't anymore.

Edward had pulled away from me – well, from all of us really. The six of us were rarely alone together nowadays. Edward spent more and more time with Tanya and her friends. I would occasionally see him in the hallways or across the cafeteria, but it was always at a distance. I sometimes could feel his eyes on me, and I would catch him watching me with sadness clearly etched on his face before he quickly looked away. I wanted so badly to reach out to him, to erase the pain he seemed to be feeling, but that just wasn't in my power. Whatever was going on with Edward was plainly something that he was going to have to work out for himself.

~*~

One day in late May, Mike and I were sitting at our table in the cafeteria waiting for the rest of the gang to join us when Alice and Rosalie swooped down on us.

"Hey you two, Rosalie and I have just come up with another one of our brilliant ideas," Alice greeted us without preamble.

"We're not taking no as an answer from you, so it would be best if you'd just give in now," Rose added.

I laughed at my best friends. I really did love them both – even when they drove me insane. But when did any of my friends ever give me a choice in following their plans, and why would they think I'd expect a choice now?

Distracted by my thoughts, I blurted out, "Can't you at least give us a hint of what Mike and I are agreeing to before we accidentally sign away our first born or something?" Then the implications of what I'd just said caught up to me.

_Oh God! Please tell me that nobody else noticed the huge fucking Freudian slip that just came out of my mouth! _

_I hadn't meant it that way. _

_Had I?_

I glanced up at Alice and Rosalie and saw them smirking back at me. I chanced a quick glimpse at Mike and was met with a raised eyebrow and a grin stretched across his face.

_Of course they all noticed. I couldn't be that lucky. Fuck!_

I felt my cheeks grow warm with my blush as I stammered out, "I mean, umm… So what's this brilliant idea anyway?"

Alice bit her lip in an attempt to control her amused expression before continuing, "Well, have you seen this weekend's weather report?"

"No, Alice, I haven't. Not all of us are enthralled by the Weather Channel like you are."

"What? I find it relaxing," she said with a hint of irritation in her voice. Well at least that seemed to distract her from my earlier faux pas.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and got back to the point at hand, "Saturday is supposed to be beautiful, for a change. It's supposed to be in the sixties with not a cloud in the sky, if you can believe it."

"So, we were thinking that we should make a day of it," Alice said. "I think we should pack up some food and have a picnic at the creek."

I knew exactly what Alice was talking about, of course. There was a large creek about a mile and a half away from Alice's house. There was a path leading to it through the woods surrounding her neighborhood. We had spent many happy hours there as children, splashing in the shallow water. I couldn't think of a better way to spend a beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon.

"It would just be Jasper and me, Rose and Emmett, you two…and Edward and Tanya."

_Strike that. I can think of a million better ways to spend a beautiful Saturday afternoon._

I opened my mouth to tell Alice there was no way in hell I was going, but her pleading expression stopped me. I could tell that she really wanted this to happen.

_Well, I'm going to have to get used to Edward and Tanya sooner or later._

_It's been almost a year already, genius. I think the "later" ship has already sailed. _

I knew that Edward was not going to give Tanya up. He'd already proven that. But I also knew that I couldn't lose him completely. If friendship was the only thing he could offer me, I needed to happily accept it. Okay, well, maybe not _happily_, but accept it nonetheless. I was going to have to bury my feelings for him and move on. It was time. Maybe this occasion with all of us together would be a first step. Alice and Rosalie had made it pretty clear that they considered Mike and me a couple. Could I take this opportunity to finally make things official between us? Would my heart finally let me?

"What time do you want us at your house, Alice?" I asked her with a sigh.

"Well," Alice said, "I was thinking that you and Rose could spend the night with me on Friday. We could get a head start on getting stuff ready for the picnic. Bake cookies and that sort of thing."

"Maybe the boys could stop by for awhile," Rosalie added. "We can't spend our entire Friday night working now, can we? I'll definitely need some play time too."

A wicked smile graced Rosalie's lips. Alice and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. We had a very good idea of what she had in mind for her "play time."

"Geez, Rose. Do you and Emmett ever just talk anymore?" I asked her.

Before Rosalie could answer, Alice quipped, "You know, Bella, it is kind of difficult to have a meaningful conversation with someone else's tongue in your mouth."

"Oh, that's right. I always forget that minor, insignificant detail."

Rosalie laughed and gave Alice a light smack on the arm. "Like you and Jasper are any better."

"'Tis true," I said. "There have been times I've worried that Jasper was actually going to gnaw off your face, Alice."

"Laugh it up, Fuzzball. One day soon, you're going to be the one we're telling it's time to come up for air," Alice responded with an evil glint in her eyes as she glanced from me to Mike and back again.

I blushed furiously. I should have known better than to tease them like this in front of Mike. The temptation to embarrass the hell out of me was too great for them to resist. Luckily, I was saved by Emmett and Jasper appearing at that very moment. The rest of lunch was taken up with filling the boys in on our weekend plans.

~*~

After lunch, Mike walked me to my Spanish class. He'd been quiet, and I wondered what had him so preoccupied. Did he not want to go on this picnic with me? Had I been worrying about him wanting to be more than friends for nothing? I decided it was best to try and give him an out.

"Hey, Mike. You do know that you don't have to go on Saturday if you don't want to, right?"

Mike grasped my elbow and led me over to the edge of the hallway, out of everyone else's way. He stopped and turned to face me. His serious expression was making me nervous. I was afraid that I wasn't going to like what he had to say.

"Bella, I have to be honest with you," he began.

Now I was pretty much certain I wasn't going to like what he had to say. There weren't very many good conversations that started out that way.

Mike took my hand in his and continued, "I'd very much like to go Saturday. I really enjoy spending time with you. But…"

"But?" I asked, waiting for him to elaborate.

"But I want to be sure that you really want me there. I don't want to be an obligation for you. Or a convenience. So tell me, Bella – what do you want?"

I took a deep breath and considered my answer. I looked into Mike's eyes, hoping to find some clue of what he wanted me to say. But then, I already knew what he _wanted _me to say. Or at least, I thought I did. However, telling him what he wanted to hear would not be answering his question now, would it? No, he had asked me an honest question, and he deserved no less than a sincere answer from me. Now if only I could figure out what that sincere answer should be. What did I truly want? Gee, talk about a loaded question. Finally I just decided to open my mouth and see what came out.

"Mike, all I can say is that I don't really know how to answer you. I mean, I like you. I really do. And I have a lot of fun spending time with you. But I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for anything more right now."

I flinched slightly at the wounded expression my words caused. I had to make this better fast.

"Mike, you wanted honesty. Here it is. If you do decide to come Saturday, I can honestly say that I would be with you not out of obligation or convenience, but because I truly enjoy your company. Is that enough for you?"

I was relieved when I saw a huge grin spread over Mike's face. Maybe I had stumbled my way into doing the right thing for once.

"Yes, Bella. That's enough. For now."

Mike guided me back into the stream of students filling the hallways and walked me the rest of the way to class. His hand never relinquished its grip on my arm. And I found that I didn't mind it…not in the least.

~*~

Saturday night, I sat alone in my room. I didn't bother to turn on my light even though I knew I wouldn't sleep for hours, if at all. So I sat in the darkness, a pillow hugged to my chest and silent tears sliding down my face.

_How had this day gone so horribly wrong? _

_Well, let's see. Your insecurities. Your stubbornness. Your pride. And don't forget your temper._

_Yes, thank you. I already knew that it was all my fault._

I knew that I had handled everything badly. Now I could see all the little things that I should have done differently. Now I could clearly see every one of my mistakes. But at the time, I hadn't thought, I'd just reacted. Of course, that's exactly why I'd made such a mess of things.

The day had started off innocently enough. Everyone gathered at Alice's house at exactly eleven o'clock, as ordered by General Pixie herself. Jasper had brought Mike with him. Edward and Tanya had ridden with Emmett. Alice, Rose and I already had the food prepared and packed away in a large picnic basket that belonged to my Aunt Mary. We had two large red and black plaid blankets folded neatly and ready to carry with us to the creek. Emmett lifted the picnic basket as if it weighed almost nothing and didn't actually contain a meal for eight people. Alice and Rose each draped a blanket over one arm, and we set off on our hike to the creek.

At the end of Alice's street, we stepped off the pavement and onto the wide dirt path leading through the woods. Emmett and Rosalie walked with Jasper and Alice ahead of us, both couples were holding hands and exchanging loving glances as they talked and laughed together. Edward and I walked with Tanya and Mike between us. I was determined to ignore him, so of course I tried to glimpse him out of the corner of my eye every three seconds or so. I noticed that although Tanya was chattering away at him endlessly, Edward didn't seem to be paying much attention to her. He definitely wasn't contributing to their conversation, even on those rare occasions that Tanya was forced to stop speaking and take a breath. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.

I wondered what Edward could be thinking about. But then I caught myself and shook my head to clear it. It shouldn't matter to me what was going through Edward's mind. Hadn't I wasted enough of my time trying to figure that out?

I looked over at Mike, hoping he hadn't noticed me shaking my head at myself like a crazy person. Luckily, Mike seemed to be distracted at the moment. In fact, if I had to guess, I would say that Mike appeared to be nervous. He was fidgeting, twisting his fingers together and looking around a bit frantically. When he caught me watching him, he actually blushed. Great, now I had two males to try and comprehend.

I needed a distraction of my own, and who better to do that than Emmett?

"Hey, McCarty. I think the veins are about to pop out of your bicep. Basket too heavy for you?" I taunted him.

"Save it, Swan. I'm doing just fine, thank you," Emmett growled at me.

"Hmmm… That was a very shitty tone there, Emmett. Did I hit a nerve?"

"Not at all, Swan. Everyone knows that I'm more than man enough to handle a stupid picnic basket."

"Are you sure? If you want, I can carry it the rest of the way for you," I suggested mockingly.

Emmett surprised me by turning around and holding the basket out to me, a huge smirk gracing his lips. "Well, since you were nice enough to offer, my arm could use a little rest, Bella."

Everyone froze and looked at me, waiting to see what I would do. I knew that I couldn't back down from Emmett's challenge now or I'd never hear the end of it. Besides, it had been my big mouth that had gotten me into this mess in the first place. I reached out my hand and took the basket from Emmett. As soon as he let go and I finally felt the full weight of it, the picnic basket hit the ground with a sharp thud.

Seeing the self-satisfied expression on Emmett's face solidified my resolve. I couldn't back down now. Taking the handle awkwardly in both hands, I lifted the basket a few inches off the ground and began to inch forward with it held in front of me, banging me in the shins with every step.

Emmett laughed and started to reach out for the handle. "Here, Bella, let me take that back."

"I've got it, Emmett," I snapped. "I'll be just fine."

He held his hands up, palms forward, in a gesture of surrender and began walking backward towards the place where Rosalie stood waiting for him. "Whatever you say, Swan," he said lightly. And then, because Emmett simply couldn't help himself, he added in a low, husky tone dripping with invitation, "Just let me know if you want me." That earned him another smack upside the head from Rose. "Ow, I meant if she wanted me to take the basket back, of course. Why does everyone always think I only have sex on the brain?"

"Oh yes, Emmett. You're just so misunderstood," Rosalie rolled her eyes at him.

I was glad that she always seemed to take Emmett with a grain of salt. Another girl might have pouted or started a wicked fight over something like that. Rosalie was secure enough to let Emmett be himself without worrying about the state of their relationship every time something stupid passed his lips. They really were sorta perfect for each other.

As Emmett turned from me and resumed walking beside Rosalie, Mike silently reached out and grasped the basket handle. He didn't take it from me, but his hand rested beside mine and the basket swung between us. He was taking most of the weight, but he let me take some of the responsibility too. I really liked that.

I couldn't help but smile as I looked at him. "Thank you, Mike. That's really sweet of you."

Cue Mike's blush. It was nice being on the giving end of a blush for a change. "It's nothing, Bella. I just…well, I think we make a pretty good team."

"You know, I think so too."

I suddenly became aware of Alice murmuring something to Jasper, a look of serious intent on her face. I knew that look. Alice wanted something. Jasper may not know it yet, but he was about to give Alice whatever she wanted. Not that Jasper would ever even dream of telling her no in the first place.

I didn't have to wonder what was going on for long. Jasper's head began to turn towards me, and he started talking. "Bella, why don't I take the picnic basket for awhile? It's got to be getting heavy…" Whatever he had been about to say next trailed off as he finally looked over his shoulder and saw Mike and me carrying the basket together. "Umm… Never mind. I see you've got everything under control."

I saw Alice throw Jasper a murderous glance before she also turned to look at me. I don't know how she contained the squeal and the bounce. Knowing her like I did, I could clearly see that she wanted to. But uncharacteristically, she managed to restrain herself.

Seeing Alice turned towards us, Mike said, "You know, Alice, I didn't know you lived out here. Did you know my grandparents are your neighbors?"

"Seriously, Mike? I didn't know that," she answered.

"Yep, they live a couple of streets over from you."

She raised an eyebrow quizzically and asked, "Then why haven't I ever seen you around before? I thought everybody knew every single detail of everyone else's life out here. It's like Forks concentrated."

"Well, they just moved in a few months ago – late winter is not exactly the best time of the year to get out and meet the neighbors," Mike explained.

"Oh, your grandparents must have bought the Welches' house. Let me see. If neighborhood gossip serves me well, then your grandparents are Thomas and Catherine Ellis."

Mike laughed, "You are well informed."

"See, I told you," Alice said smugly.

"Well, I promise that you'll soon be seeing a lot of me around. I spend a lot of time with my grandparents every summer. My grandpa likes to garden and landscape, but he isn't as strong as he used to be. I volunteer to do the heavy manual labor."

"Really? We should see you often then. Won't we, Bella? You know, Bella practically lives with me during the summers. You should let us know when you'll be around, and maybe we could hang out – when you're not busy with your grandparents that is." A wicked gleam shone in Alice's eyes, and I knew she was plotting something. "You know, you should just call Bella and let her know when you'll be out here. That way we'll know when you'll be free."

_Yep, definite evil Pixie plotting afoot._

"The only problem with that is that I don't have Bella's number," Mike responded in a too innocent tone.

_Okay, Mike's in on it. It's not a plot, it's a conspiracy._

"Oh, that's easily fixed," Alice said. "Bella, give Mike your number."

Now I probably should have been pissed. Or at the very least I should have been embarrassed. But I just wasn't. I didn't mind giving Mike my number. I mean, he was a friend, right. Jasper and Emmett and Edward called me all the time. What was the difference? Okay, maybe there was a difference. Maybe there was something more significant about giving my number to Mike, but I realized that I was okay with that. He was a good guy. Why should I fight getting to know him even better?

"Do you have your cell on you, Mike?" I asked.

He reached into his pocket and handed me his cell phone. I smiled apologetically as I released the basket handle to program my number into his phone. When I handed it back to him and he returned it to his pocket, a happy, satisfied expression graced his features. But when I returned my hand to the handle next to his, our fingers once again brushing against one another, his grin widened even more. I smiled back shyly, until I happened to catch Edward frowning at me. I bit my lip nervously and looked away. Suddenly, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I remembered then why I had been fighting getting to know Mike better. I was still in love with Edward.

It was then that a giggle to my left caught my attention. Looking past Mike, I saw Edward's arm around Tanya's waist. His fingers were rubbing along her side.

"Stop that, Edward," Tanya laughed and squirmed under Edward's touch. "You know how ticklish I am."

Edward leaned toward her, and I thought he was going to whisper in her ear. Instead, I saw his nose skim along her jaw. He let out a contented hum and then said quite clearly, "And you know how I just can't keep my hands off you, baby."

Edward's response made Tanya giggle again. She put her hand atop Edward's to still his fingers, but left them there on her side. "You know I love your hands on me, Edward. Just make sure they behave."

"But what's the fun in that?" Edward's wicked smirk, the one that made my knees go weak, graced his lips.

Usually this kind of PDA between Edward and Tanya would have made me feel a deluge of emotions that had become familiar whenever I was around the two of them together. The usual suspects, if you will. Revulsion. Mortification. Envy. Humiliation. Today I felt all of those, but I also had one emotion overriding them all. To put it simply, I was pissed. Why did I let him get to me like this? Why did I allow Edward to have this power over me? Well, I was tired of it. I wasn't going to let him do this to me anymore. And I was going to show him that I was done with him, once and for all.

I was just starting to sketch my diabolical plans in my head when Jasper decided it was his turn to carry the picnic basket. Jasper's eyebrow rose as he took in the evil grin on my face. He knew I was plotting something but had no way of knowing that he was giving me a huge assist. I was grateful that he didn't ask me what I was thinking. Emmett would have called me on it, but Jasper knew when to just leave things alone. When Mike and I handed him the basket and I immediately entwined my fingers with Mike's, Jasper just grinned back at me before returning to Alice.

Mike was obviously surprised that I was now holding his hand. But the surprise quickly slipped away and was replaced by a radiant joy. He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it. I saw Edward watching, and I gave Mike an encouraging smile. Edward's expression darkened and my heart leapt.

_Take that, Cullen. Let's see how you like it._

What I didn't realize was that I had started something between Edward and me, a cold war of sorts. No one else seemed to be aware of it. In fact, it took me awhile before I grasped exactly what we were doing. But it became clear as the day wore on that we were locked into a fierce battle of one-upmanship with Tanya and Mike as our unwitting pawns.

When we finally reached the creek and set up our picnic on its bank, Mike and I shared a blanket with Edward and Tanya. I wanted to make sure Edward got a front row view of me being over him. I couldn't hold Mike's hand while we were eating, of course, but I flirted shamelessly and touched him every chance I got. Edward leaned into Tanya and nibbled on her ear, telling her in a voice loud enough for all to hear that she tasted sweeter than the strawberries we'd packed. I narrowed my eyes at Edward and proceeded to ask Mike if I could have a bite of the cookie on his plate. I think I shocked everyone when he held out a bite size piece to me, and, instead of taking it with my hand, I brought my lips to his fingers and took it with my mouth. Edward's nostrils flared.

After we had finished eating and the food had been cleared away, Edward sat at the base of a tree and leaned against its trunk. He patted the ground between his bent knees, and Tanya went to him, turning around so that her back rested against his chest.

_Hmm… Nice trick, Edward. She comes when you beckon. Does she sit up and beg too? _

_I'll just bet she does._

I retaliated by lying my head in Mike's lap. Mike didn't seem to mind, but a discreet glance at Edward showed me that his face had flushed and his eyes had darkened to a forest green.

Then Edward caught me looking at him. His eyes flashed as his hand turned Tanya's face to his. He captured her lips in a searing kiss, his lips parting hers and his tongue dipping into her mouth. Tanya actually moaned. Loudly. And I had reached the limit of how far I was willing to take this war – in public.

I sprung to my feet and addressed Mike, "I feel like a walk. Care to join me?" I reached a hand down to help Mike to his feet, and kept my hand in his as we left my friends behind. This was going to be one very long walk I decided. And if I had anything to do with it, I would come back looking slightly disheveled. Let Edward's imagination try and fill in the blanks of what Mike and I had been up to.

We walked in silence for a long time. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mike thinking, and I wondered what was going through his mind. I didn't know what to say to him. I was determined to follow his lead. So until he decided to finally speak to me, the silence would continue. Eventually, we came across a felled tree. It was a large, old tree, but it as yet showed no signs of decay. It made the perfect natural bench, and Mike led me over to it. He sat and pulled me down beside him. I was pretty sure that I would soon find out what was on his mind.

Mike cleared his throat and said, "Bella, I think I know what's been going on here today." He paused and glanced at me before quickly looking away.

_Fuck. _I had gotten so caught up in playing my game with Edward that I'd completely forgotten I was using Mike to do it. The last thing I'd wanted to do was to hurt him. I felt terrible.

"You do?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"Yes. I do. I mean, I know you said you weren't ready for the next step, but the way you've been with me today – the holding hands, the flirting. Have you…" He stopped and took a deep breath. "Well, it seems to me that maybe you've changed your mind. Have you decided that you want to be with me?"

He was looking at me with such hope and trust in his expression. I hadn't thought it was possible for me to feel any worse, but suddenly I did. Mike didn't deserve the way I'd treated him. He was such a good person, and all he wanted was to be with me. I was ashamed of what I'd done to him. I brought my lower lip between my teeth and brought my eyes to the ground between my feet. I could feel my face heat up as my shame washed through me. I heard a gasp beside me.

When I looked at him questioningly, Mike shocked me with his words. "My God, Bella. You're so beautiful. You literally take my breath away. I want nothing more than to love you. Please, Bella. Please, just let me love you."

My thoughts and emotions were a jumbled mess. I felt so horribly guilty for using him before. And I really did like him so much. I knew that I didn't love him, but I felt like I owed him a chance. And honestly, it was a heady thing to have someone declare his love for me like that. Before I had a chance to really think things through, I heard myself say, "Yes, Mike."

A blinding smile broke over his face. His hands came up to capture my face between them. I knew what he was planning to do, and I willed myself to just let it happen. "I love you, Bella," he said just before he kissed me.

It wasn't what I had been expecting. There weren't any fireworks. But his lips were warm, and as he brought his arms around me, I liked the feeling. He was a good kisser, I decided. It felt comfortable to be with him like this. As our kiss ended, I decided that it was entirely satisfactory for my first kiss. Sure it hadn't happened exactly the way I'd been planning it. I had always planned that my first kiss would leave me breathless. Of course, I'd also planned that my first kiss would be with Edward.

Mike broke into my thoughts as he got to his feet. "We should probably be getting back." He reached out and took my hand, helping me up.

Our walk back was filled with plans and flirtation and laughter. Luckily, Mike didn't seem to notice that he did most of the talking. He just seemed to be so happy that he didn't realize that I had no responses for most of what he said. Most importantly, it didn't seem to dawn on him that I had never told him I loved him too. I cursed myself for the thought. I pushed it down deep inside of me. Mike deserved happiness. And for some reason I couldn't comprehend, he thought that I could make him happy. I could do this. At least, I could try.

Shortly after we returned to the others, we packed up and headed back to Alice's house. Mike and I made no formal announcement about our change in relationship status, but we didn't hide it either. We held hands and Mike would occasionally wrap his arm around my waist and kiss my temple. I knew that everyone had figured out something had happened between Mike and me. I caught knowing smirks exchanged between Rosalie and Emmett. And I thought Alice might actually vibrate herself to death in her excitement. I just wished they could all be a little more discreet in their enthusiasm. I didn't want to make a big production about this. Really, it wasn't such a big deal. This was just me trying my damndest to forget about Edward and move on. This was just me attempting to live without my heart. See, no big.

We reached Alice's house just as the pinks and purples of sunset emblazoned the horizon. Both Tanya and Mike had to be home early, so Emmett agreed to take them home and then come back. The rest of us walked to Alice's cemetery to watch the moon rise and the stars come out. Conversations went on around me, but I blocked them out. I had so much rattling around in my brain, and I craved quiet. I got up and walked away from everyone.

"Bella? Where are you going," Rosalie called behind me.

"I'm just going for a little walk. I'll be back soon."

"Are you sure you should be walking around here by yourself at night, Bella?" Jasper asked.

"I've done it plenty of times, Jazz. I'll be fine. Don't worry."

I wandered aimlessly between the headstones. I didn't allow myself to think about everything that had happened. I didn't allow myself to think at all. I just felt the night close around me and listened to the crickets' chirping. I suddenly realized that I was no longer walking. I had stopped and wrapped my arms around myself, although I wasn't really cold. I stood there and looked up at the stars hanging over my head, dazzled by their multitude and feeling truly insignificant in their light.

"So how was it?"

I was startled to hear Edward's velvet voice directly behind me. I hadn't heard him approach.

"How was what?" I asked. I felt like we'd started a conversation in the middle. I had no idea what he could be referring to.

"Hmm… It must not have been very good then," Edward replied unhelpfully.

"Edward, I'm a little lost here. Could you give me some context to go on?"

I had turned to face him. I had misjudged how close he was to me, and I was forced to tip my head back to look at him.

"I was asking about your first kiss. How was it? Was it everything you'd imagined it to be?"

I could feel the heat creep into my cheeks. "How did you know that Mike kissed me?"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure these things out, Bella," Edward answered. "The two of you go for a walk, and when you return Mike can't quit grinning like an idiot and your face is all red. Something must have happened between you two. I assumed it was a kiss. Was it something more than that?"

"No!" I said too quickly. Edward looked at me with an amused, disbelieving expression. I had wanted to assure him that nothing else happened between Mike and me, and I had achieved the exact opposite result. I took a deep breath and tried again. "It was just a kiss, Edward. One kiss, that was all."

"And was it everything you'd wanted in a first kiss? Everything you'd dreamt about," he pressed me.

"It was…" I struggled to find the right word. I didn't want Edward to think I hadn't liked kissing Mike. But I couldn't lie to him either. "It was nice," I finished lamely.

Edward chuckled, "Nice? Bella, that's hardly the best way to describe a first kiss between two people. If they're the right two people that is. How did it feel when he kissed you exactly?"

Edward was asking me to describe how another boy's kiss had made me feel? What was it? Torture Bella Day? But if he was determined to hear it, I wouldn't give him anything other than the truth.

"Well, if you must know, Edward, it made me feel warm and safe and secure."

"Mike's kiss made you feel safe," he asked in a mocking tone.

"Yes. Is there anything wrong with that?"

"There is absolutely everything wrong with that," Edward told me. "The last thing a kiss should make you feel is safe!"

I was starting to get angry. Why were we even having this conversation? Why did he feel it necessary to talk to me about this? "Edward, maybe you would be so kind as to tell me how I should have felt? You know, since apparently I must have done something wrong."

Edward reached out his hand and cupped my cheek. "Ah Bella, you didn't do anything wrong really. It's just that a kiss should make you feel electricity and heat, a spark. Evidently Mike doesn't do that for you."

"Well, you know this was only my first time. Maybe the spark will come when I've had a little more practice," I said uncertainly, looking down in embarrassment.

"The spark should be there every time, Bella. It's either there between two people, or it's not." Edward's hand slid down my cheek until his fingers firmly tipped my chin up so I was once more looking up into his eyes. I would never admit this out loud, but I could still get lost in the emerald fire of his eyes. Maybe that's why I didn't see what was coming next until it was too late.

"Here, let me show you," he said a split second before he brushed his lips lightly over mine. At the moment that our lips touched, I felt a jolt run through my body. That jolt repeated and intensified as Edward pressed his lips more firmly against mine. He kept one hand on my chin, guiding my mouth where he wanted it. The other hand found the small of my back and pulled my body against his. I gasped at the feeling, and he took advantage the instant my lips parted. I felt his tongue dart inside my mouth and touch mine. My entire body felt like it had been set ablaze. It was a feeling so delicious that it actually curled my toes. Of their own volition, my fingers wrapped themselves in his bronze hair. I was lost to this feeling, to this kiss, to this boy whom I loved. There was no way I could ever stop this kiss on my own. I didn't have the strength to pull away.

I was so lost in Edward, that I didn't know how long we clung to each other like that. It could have been seconds or minutes or hours. But eventually Edward once again slowed and softened our kiss. And I knew that my second kiss was almost at an end. It was then that I actually began to hear the small voice at the back of my brain that I was certain had been shouting at me the entire time Edward had kissed me.

There was no denying my second kiss was exactly perfect. Kissing Edward was everything I had ever dreamed it could be. Except… That voice at the back of my mind was screaming at me that my kiss with Edward had been perfect _except_ that everything about it was wrong. Suddenly I was enraged at Edward for pulling me back to him, like a planet with its orbiting moon. And I was ashamed of myself. Just when I thought I had escaped him, I was his satellite once again. No! I would not allow him to keep me tied to him any longer!

Edward's lips lingered on mine another moment before he pulled back to look into my eyes. I didn't know what he was planning to see there, but I was pretty sure he didn't find what he was expecting. I knew my eyes were sparkling with unrestrained fury. I didn't think; my body just reacted. I didn't even realize what I had done until I heard the loud crack of skin connecting with skin, I saw Edward's head snap to the side, and I felt the sting in my upraised hand.

My anger overrode the shock I felt that I had actually struck him. "Now, Edward? You decide to kiss me now? You could have kissed me any time within the last year, and I would have happily kissed you back. Instead you wait until I'm involved with someone else? I guess Alice and Rosalie were right. You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me either. Well, that's too damn bad, Edward. This cannot happen again. You have Tanya. And I have Mike now."

My words brought a twisted wince to Edward's features that my slap to his face had been unable to accomplish. The outline of my hand was clearly defined scarlet against the whiteness of his cheek. I couldn't bear to look at it. I couldn't bear to look at him right now. I pushed my hands against his chest, easily breaking the hold he still had on me.

"I'm going to forget this ever happened, Edward. I suggest you do the same." I turned my back on him and strode across the dewy grass, returning to where we'd left our friends. I left him standing there alone.

This time I was the one who walked away. And I didn't look back.

* * *

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Thank you to all my readers and reviewers. And extra special thanks go to Nina, Gemma, Delta, and Ravyn…you guys know what you did.

Chapter 12 will be posted next Tuesday, February 2nd.


	12. Shattered

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Important A/N at the bottom.**

Chapter 12 – Shattered

"Bella!"

I could hear my mom screaming my name from downstairs.

"Bella! Are you awake?"

I groaned and tried to burrow myself further under my covers. It was summer. Why couldn't she just let me sleep?

She was quiet for a few minutes. I thought maybe she'd given up. I let myself relax and sink back into a light doze.

At the sound of my door being flung open with impressive force coupled with my mother screeching my name, I sat straight up in bed. My eyes snapped open. My heart pounded in my chest. "Geez, Mom! You scared the crap out of me!" I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand beside my bed. I groaned and flopped back onto my pillow. "It's seven o'clock in the morning! What do you want?"

My mom put her hands on her hips and huffed at me. "Bella, I'm getting ready to leave for work."

"Yeah. So?" I groused back at her.

The bad thing about my mom being a teacher was her summers off. In theory it sounded like an ideal situation, two and a half months of vacation every year. But the reality was that my parents couldn't afford not having two incomes coming in. So every summer, my mom took a job at a department store in Port Angeles. She hated working there, so she spent most of the summer in a bad mood. And I was the one she usually vented it on.

"So, I want you to do some things around the house today, Bella. I work all day. You're home. You need to help out around here. I want you to do the laundry. I would appreciate it if you could have dinner started before I get home. And this room is a pig sty. I expect it to be spotless by the time I return."

Usually I had no problem pitching in around the house. It was something I normally did without having to be told. I knew that my parents worked hard, and I thought it was the least I could do to take care of the household chores for them. But lately… The truth was I hadn't been sleeping well, and that made me a bit of a grouch. Okay, it actually made me want to snap people's heads off their necks just for looking at me. So being yelled at by my mother at an ungodly hour of the morning was not exactly making me feel like Miss Mary Sunshine at the moment.

"Yeah, yeah," I said to my mother, turning over on my side away from her and pulling the covers up over my shoulder. "I'll try and get around to that stuff later."

A moment later I felt the bedspread and sheet being stripped from my body. I glared up at my mother in shock. _What the fuck?_

"Bella, I am not going to put up with you lazing around all day! I want you vertical before I leave."

I was pissed! So as was typical with me recently, I didn't really think things through before I reacted. "Damn it, Mom! I should be able to take it easy. This is my vacation, after all! And I'm not your maid!"

When the words left my mouth and echoed back to my ears, I couldn't believe that they'd actually come from me. If there was a record for how many fuck ups could be uttered in one paragraph, I think I had just broken it. It was, at the very least, a personal best for me. First, I had cursed at my mother. Then I rubbed summer vacation in her face. I demanded time off that she never got to claim for herself, such a touchy subject for her. And finally, I had shown myself to be an ungrateful wretch, acting like my parents used me for free labor while they sat around and did nothing. I was ashamed of myself, but somehow that just seemed to make me even angrier.

My mother was absolutely livid. Her eyes flashed and her face was red. She said in harsh tones, "Isabella Marie Swan, you will never talk to me like that again! You will get out of that bed this minute. You will do everything I've told you to do today, and you will be grounded the rest of this week. There will be no sleepovers at Alice's or Rosalie's. There will be no running around with your friends. I really don't ask that much from you, Bella. But I do demand a little respect from you. I don't know what has gotten into you lately!"

I bit back the angry retort that was on the tip of my tongue. I knew if I opened my mouth at this point, I'd just make things even worse. But I couldn't contain my glare at my mother as I climbed out of bed and faced her. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited.

My mom took in the defiant expression on my face, but chose not to make an issue of it. She knew that she had won this round and was satisfied with that. She turned on her heel and left my room. "Your dad and I will both be home around six," she called to me over her shoulder.

I waited until I heard the front door close behind her and then the sound of her starting her car and pulling out of our driveway. Then like the petulant child I was being, I stuck my tongue out in the general direction of where my mom had been and crawled back into bed. I would get everything done that she wanted me to…later.

I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep. But I just couldn't. As had happened so often in the last couple of weeks, I just couldn't turn my brain off. I sighed and rolled over onto my back, staring up at my ceiling. My life just seemed to be a monumental mess right now. And I didn't know what to do about it. It was mid-June. School had only been out for a little over a week. Band would begin again next Monday. Mike and I were still a couple. And I was still in love with Edward Cullen. _God, it sucks to be me!_

Mike was such a sweetheart. His eyes would light up every time he saw me. He was constantly by my side. When we were still in school, he would write me notes during classes we didn't have together and give them to me as he walked me to my next class. We weren't supposed to be affectionate at school – it was against Forks High policy – but he would always find ways to hold my hand or sneak a kiss to my cheek. He called me every night just to hear the sound of my voice. He told me countless times that he loved me.

And I felt completely smothered.

I wanted so much to make things work with Mike. I had never wanted to hurt him. But no matter how much I willed myself to feel something more than friendship for him, I just couldn't. I had tried. Honestly, I had. But every time that Mike kissed me, I still felt the same nice, safe feeling that I had the first time.

"_The spark should be there every time, Bella. It's either there between two people, or it's not." _

Edward's words came back to haunt me again. It seemed that I couldn't get them out of my mind. And, of course, with the echo of his words came the memory of his kiss. It was obvious that the spark Edward spoke of existed between the two of us. The very thought of that single kiss made my body tingle all over again. I briefly wondered if he shared the same kind of heat with Tanya, but I quickly pushed the thought from my mind. That was definitely something I didn't want to think about. Actually, I didn't want to think about Edward at all. If I allowed myself to ponder the subject of Edward, then my attempt to be the girlfriend that Mike deserved got infinitely harder. The problem was that no matter what I tried, I could not banish Edward – not from my thoughts, not from my life.

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying to force Edward from my mind as I did so. But no, he was there, lurking behind my eyelids, waiting for me every time they closed. I groaned and brought my hands to my eyes to try and rub him away, but he was still there. There was no ridding myself of him. In frustration I finally threw the covers off me and climbed out of bed.

I picked the dirty clothes off the floor of my room and carried them down the hall to my parents' bedroom. I dug everything out of their hamper and started to sort it all into loads. Then I walked downstairs to the small room connected to the kitchen that was just big enough to house our washer and dryer. I poured detergent into the washing machine and started the water before grabbing the laundry basket off of the dryer and running back upstairs and piling a load into it. I carried the heavy load of clothes down and dumped them into the washing machine just before the water finished filling and the wash cycle began. I had hoped that starting in on the chores my mom had demanded I do would keep my mind off of my twin problems – Edward and Mike – but it hadn't. Although my hands were busy, my mind was still preoccupied with them both.

Defeated, I walked into the kitchen and scrounged a bowl of cereal. After I finished eating, I continued to sit at the table and tried to figure out what I was going to do. My life was in serious need of adjustment. I just wasn't sure how to go about doing that. Okay, I needed to go back and think about things rationally.

The washing machine clicked off, interrupting my thoughts. I walked slowly into the laundry room to remove the wet clothes from the machine. After loading them into the dryer and starting it, I ran back upstairs for another load and started the process over again. Once both machines were running, I made my way back to the kitchen table. It seemed like a good place to think.

_Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I was attempting to be rational for a change._

Okay, so first, there was Edward. At the time, I had been so angry with him about the way he had treated me and about the kiss. I had hoped that my justified ire would guard my heart against him, and that I would finally be free of him. Of course, I worried about how we could continue being constantly thrown together after what had happened between us. After all, we still shared the same friends. Even if there was nothing between us anymore, we would still have to see each other. Surprisingly, that hadn't been a problem.

Ever since the kiss, Edward was no longer the brooding, solemn boy who had so confused and infuriated me over the last few months. He no longer kept his distance from me or our friends. Although Mike and I were openly together and Mike wasn't shy about showing his affection for me, I intercepted no more frowns or pained looks coming from Edward. He was respectful and polite and caring to Tanya, but there were no outrageous and provoking public displays of affection anymore either. He had done exactly what I'd asked him to. He had forgotten that the kiss we shared had ever even happened. But more than that, he seemed to have completely turned back the clock and entirely forgotten the way he'd been acting recently. He was once again the kind, funny, loyal, and sweet boy that I'd fallen in love with. He was my Edward again. So why did I find that so hugely irritating?

I rested my elbows on the table. It was time to be honest with myself, and the prospect had suddenly made my head throb. I put my head in my hands and rubbed circles into my temples with my fingers. The truth was that Edward had given me exactly what I said I wanted; he had given me everything I had asked of him and more, and I hated it! Deep down I knew why I was so damned annoyed. I had secretly reveled in Edward's possessiveness of me. I was glad that he didn't want to see me with anyone else. I had grasped onto the hope his jealousy had given me, hope that he truly did care for me, and held onto it so desperately for so long. And it made me sick to think that maybe I had imagined it all. Maybe I had wanted him so badly, loved him so much, that I had deluded myself into thinking I recognized feelings Edward had for me that weren't really there at all. Why else was he still with Tanya? Why else could he so easily forget the same kiss that wouldn't leave my thoughts no matter how hard I tried?

And that kiss! Damn Edward for ever kissing me that way! I thought I knew what I was doing before he'd done that. I had finally decided to give Mike a chance. And I was content with that decision. True, I hadn't made it under the best of circumstances. Guilt for using Mike to get back at Edward was probably not the best motivator for agreeing to become his girlfriend. Still, when Mike had kissed me, I had liked it. It had felt good. That is, until Edward showed me what a kiss was meant to be. Things were so much simpler when I hadn't known what I was missing! Now every time Mike kissed me, all I felt was bereft, because it wasn't the kiss I so desperately craved.

So, what was I going to do about Mike? Did I just keep trying? Did I keep hoping that the respect and fondness I felt for him would eventually turn into love? A disgusted sound escaped from the back of my throat. I was so completely frustrated! It just sucked that things were working out this way! I was sure that I could have given Mike my heart and been happy with him – if my heart hadn't already belonged to Edward. But it had, and there was nothing I could do about that. Mike loved me. I knew it. It wasn't just that he constantly told me so, but I could see it every time he looked at me, I felt it every time he touched me. And it killed me that I couldn't give that back to him. I was being so unfair to him, and he didn't even know it. I didn't know what to do! Did I stay with him, even though I was certain that I would never be able to love him? Or did I end this now and break up with him? Either way, I knew that I would end up hurting him sooner or later. But wouldn't this mess just get worse the longer I let it go on? Maybe if I sat Mike down and explained everything to him, if I was honest with him about how I felt, then perhaps we might be able to salvage our friendship. It might be possible, if I straightened out this mess before things got out of hand. I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling that told me that it was already too late. Instinctively I knew that things had already gone too far.

Okay, I needed to put a stop to this. I had to break up with Mike. He would probably end up hating me. And I would probably end up losing one of the best friends I'd ever had. But I couldn't keep leading him on the way I had been! It was just so wrong!

If I'd thought that making that decision would make me feel better, lighter, as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, boy was I wrong. The headache that had started at my temples had spread until even the back of my neck throbbed with pain. Because now I had to figure out how to tell Mike that it was over. And I had to decide just exactly when I was going to do it. Well, I didn't think that it was right to break this kind of news over the phone. If I had any chance of keeping Mike as a friend, I needed to do this face to face. He needed to see how sincerely sorry I was when I told him that we couldn't be together anymore. He needed to see the truth in my eyes when I told him that I had never wanted to cause him pain. But thanks to my stupid mother, I was grounded! I wouldn't have a chance to sit down and talk to Mike about this for days. So, what was I supposed to do in the meantime? Just pretend that everything was fine?

I hated lying to Mike. Now that I had decided to end things with him, the thought of pretending that things were okay between us just seemed wrong. But what else could I do? I had no choice. Until I was no longer grounded and I could see Mike again, I had to act as if I hadn't decided to break his heart. I just wasn't sure I was that good of an actress.

The buzzer sounded on the dryer, signaling that it was finished. I carried the dried clothes into the family room and sat down on the floor in front to the television to fold them down. I turned on a soap opera that I'd never seen before. I didn't have the slightest clue what was going on, but at least these people were even more fucked up than I was. For some reason, I found that comforting.

_Damn it!_ Suddenly I was just so angry! I was angry at my mother for being such a bitch this morning. I was angry at Edward for not loving me and for not allowing me to love anyone but him. I was angry at Mike, because he was forcing me to pretend to feel something for him that I didn't until I could break things off with him the right way. I knew that last one wasn't fair. Mike wasn't really forcing me to do anything. But obviously my rationality had reached an end. And most of all, I was completely and totally angry with myself! In that moment, I hated everything about my life!

The phone rang just then, and I hated whoever was on the other end of the line. I sat staring at the television screen, waiting for the caller id to pop up and tell me just exactly who I hated. It was Mike.

_Holy Christ, not now!_

I ran back to the kitchen to grab the cordless. "Hello," I huffed into the phone. I don't know I managed such an irritated and pissed off tone in one word, but it was obvious even to my own ears.

"Bella?" Mike's tone was concerned. "What's wrong, honey? You sound upset."

"It's nothing. I'm fine. So, did you want something?"

"Bella, I know when something is bothering you. What happened?" Mike asked.

_Shit. _He already knew something was wrong, and we'd been on the phone for less than thirty seconds. I knew my acting skills sucked. Now I would have to try to distract him from the real problem.

"I just had a fight with my mom this morning, Mike. It's nothing."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. Listen, why don't you let me distract you? I'm at my grandparents' right now with Eric. We could always come get you and bring you out here. You could spend some time with Alice, too."

_Fuck! Why did he have to be so nice to me? How am I supposed to work up the courage to break up with him when he's such a fucking sweetheart?_

I swallowed hard and was glad my mom had given me a plausible excuse for why I couldn't see him right now. "I can't, Mike. I told you, I had a fight with my mom this morning. She grounded me for the rest of the week. You're just going to have to learn to live without me." That last part had just slipped out. I closed my eyes and silently cursed myself.

"Bella, you still sound weird. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"It's just that fight with my mom, Mike," I said. Suddenly my self-loathing was back full force. I was completely disgusted with myself, and I couldn't contain it. It just came out. "You know, sometimes I don't even know why I'm here. Everything I do is wrong. Sometimes I just feel like everyone would be better off without me."

There was stunned silence on the other end of the line for a few moments. When Mike finally spoke again, there was a slight edge in his voice. "Bella, you don't mean that. You can't."

It was like I'd opened the floodgates, and once I had started this glorious self-pity, I just couldn't stop. "You know, Mike, actually I do mean it! Seriously! Everyone would be better off if I weren't here. My parents. My friends. You."

"I would _not _be better off without you, Bella. I couldn't live without you, baby."

_Oh, God! Why did he have to say that?_

Mike paused, and then he said, "You're not seriously thinking about this, are you?"

I was still wrapped up in an emotional whirlwind. I felt almost on the cusp of hysteria. "Why not, Mike? If I weren't here, I bet nobody would even miss me."

There was steely determination in Mike's tone, "Well, if you're determined to do it, then so will I."

_Wait. What?_

I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. I just sat there for a moment, wondering what he meant. Then I heard him say, "Here," and there was a temporary silence.

"Mike?"

"No, Bella. It's me Eric. What exactly is going on?"

I didn't want to talk to Eric. I wanted to know where Mike had gone!

"It's nothing, Eric. Where's Mike?"

"Well, Mike obviously doesn't think it's nothing. He's getting out his grandfather's gun."

"What! No! Eric, I told him that everyone would be better off without me, but I didn't mean it! Tell him I didn't mean it."

I heard Eric's slightly muffled voice talking to Mike, "She said she didn't mean it, man. Maybe you should put that thing away."

Then I heard Mike's voice in the background, "She sounded serious when I talked to her. And if she's going to do it, then so will I."

Eric was back on the phone, "Bella, he said…"

I cut across him, "I heard! I wasn't serious! Tell him to put that stupid thing away."

"He's loading it."

"For Christ's sake, Eric! Tell him I didn't mean it! I don't want this! He can't do this! Tell him to put the gun away!"

Suddenly I heard Eric quietly say, "Oh my God," and then he hung up on me.

My body went cold all over. They could not do this to me. I had to know what was going on.

Then my brain started functioning again. It was a joke. It had to be. The boys were just trying to shock me out of my funk. They would call me right back and laugh at the way I'd panicked. I waited, but they didn't call.

I called Mike's grandparents', but the line was busy. I tried calling Mike's cell phone. It rang four times and went to voice mail.

I was still sure it was a joke. They were just making me sweat a little. They would call back any minute. I mean, if anything had happened, I would have heard it through the phone, right?

Just then, the phone rang and I jumped. Desperately, I answered, "Hello? Hello? Mike?"

"Bella, it's Eric. The gun went off. Mike's been shot in the hand. What do I do?"

They were fucking with me. They just wanted to see how far they could take this. They wanted to see if they could completely freak me out. If the gun had gone off, I would know. I would have heard it.

I was cool and sarcastic as I answered Eric, "You call an ambulance, Eric. What do you think?"

"Okay," he said and then hung up on me again.

Alright, now I was starting to get pissed. They had taken this way too far! Again I sat by the phone and waited for them to call me back laughing. It would be any minute now. They thought this was so funny. I waited, and I waited. But no call came.

I finished folding the laundry and glanced up at the clock. It had been fifteen minutes since Eric had last hung up on me. And still they hadn't called me back. I knew that it was all a very bad joke, but still… Shouldn't they have called me back by now?

Deep underneath my certainty that Mike and Eric were just playing with me, underneath my anger at them for pulling such a stupid stunt, there was a growing sense of unease that I didn't want to acknowledge. But that gnawing sense that something wasn't right made me reach for my phone again. I dialed Alice's number and waited through two rings for her to answer.

"Hey, Alice. It's me," I said in a completely calm voice.

"Hi, Bella! What's up?"

"Nothing really. I was just wondering if the ambulance was there yet," I said, letting the sarcasm drip into my voice.

"Umm… Yes, it is."

"What! Alice, what are you talking about?"

"I heard sirens a few minutes ago. I saw an ambulance and a couple of sheriff's cars go by. But how did you know about it?"

"Oh my God! Alice! I was talking to Mike and Eric. They're at Mike's grandparents'. I was feeling sorry for myself and said it would be better off if I weren't around. And Mike said that if I was going to do it then he was too. And then Eric said Mike was getting out a gun. And then he said Mike had been shot. And, oh my God! It was a joke! It had to be a joke!"

"Bella, calm down! You're hysterical! Let me see what I can find out, and I'll call you back. Just try to stay calm, okay? Don't panic."

I hung up the phone and started pacing. Calm? How was I supposed to be calm? I didn't know what was going on. Mike was hurt, and it was all my fault. I mean, I know Eric said that he was only shot in the hand. But that could still be serious. There would be blood. Maybe he would have nerve damage. Maybe he'd never be able to use that hand ever again. And it would be my fault.

It felt like forever before my phone rang again, although it was really only about ten or fifteen minutes. "Alice! What's going on? I'm going crazy here!"

Alice's voice was very soothing. "Bella, I've called Jasper, and he's on the way to come get you. Emmett and Rose are getting Edward. You're all coming out here to my house."

"I can't come out there, Alice. Mom grounded me this morning."

"My mom will deal with Aunt Renée later. Jasper will be there to get you in five minutes."

"But I'm not even dressed, Alice. And you haven't told me what's happening."

"Bella, go throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?"

"No, it's not okay! Alice, tell me what you found out."

There was silence.

"Now, Alice!"

"Bella, I walked over to Mike's grandparents' house. The ambulance was gone, but there was still a sheriff's car out front. Mike had his grandfather's gun out and apparently it just went off."

"I know all that, Alice. Did you find out anything else?"

"Mike's been taken to the hospital."

"Did you find out how he's doing? It can't be that bad, right? Eric told me that Mike was shot in the hand. He's going to be okay."

I was met with more silence.

"Alice?"

"Bella, Mike wasn't shot in the hand."

"Yes, he was. Eric told me. He said that Mike had been shot in the hand."

"Bella, he wasn't shot in the hand," Alice repeated firmly. I could hear Alice swallow before she continued. "Bella, Mike was shot in the head."

I clicked the End button on my phone. I walked upstairs to my room and pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I walked downstairs and sat in the chair closest to the front door to wait for Jasper.

~*~

Jasper hadn't said anything on the way to Alice's. Neither had I. I was glad. I didn't think I could handle talking right now. Silence was good. Of course, it was short-lived.

Alice was standing beside the car door before I could get it open. She threw her arms around me. "Oh, Bella! Are you okay? I've been so worried about you!"

She was worried about _me_? Why? I wasn't important.

"I'm fine, Alice. Have you found out anything else?"

"No. But the neighborhood grapevine knows the situation. As soon as anyone hears anything, they're supposed to call here and let us know."

Emmett pulled up in front of Alice's house, and Rosalie and Edward jumped out of the jeep almost before it stopped. Rose got to me first and hugged me. "Bella, I can't believe this! How are you doing?"

_Why did everyone keep asking me that?_

"I'm okay, Rose." My voice sounded hollow in my ears. I saw my friends exchange concerned glances.

When Edward wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug, I couldn't stand it anymore. I pushed away from him and said, "Sorry. I have to walk. I can't just stand here."

I took off walking down Alice's street. I didn't look back to see if my friends followed me, but I was sure they were there. Slowly, I saw them catch up and fall into pace beside me. I didn't turn my head to the left or the right, but I could see them out of the corners of my eyes. At one point, Emmett tried to put his arm around my shoulders, but I shrugged him off. I couldn't take it if they touched me. I just couldn't.

When we got to the corner, we turned away from the direction of Mike's grandparents' house and walked in the opposite direction instead. They all seemed to understand now that I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be touched. I just wanted to walk.

We walked up and down five streets before I silently turned back toward Alice's house. I didn't want to be gone too long, in case there was news.

When Alice's house finally came into sight, my dad's police cruiser was parked in front. On stiff legs, I walked forward, knowing that my dad would know what was happening. I saw him standing in the front yard, waiting for me. His face was somber. I knew that it was serious. But Mike was going to be alright. I knew it. He had to be. It was serious now, but it was all going to be okay.

I reached my dad and looked up at him. He still didn't say anything. Why wouldn't he say anything? "Dad? What is it?" Why did my voice sound so small?

My dad pulled me into his arms. "Bells, honey, I'm so sorry. He didn't make it."

Mike hadn't made it to the hospital? Had they figured out he didn't need to go after all? Had they released him already? How did that work? Would the ambulance be bringing him back to his grandparents' house? But that was good news – so why was my dad sorry? I didn't understand. "What do you mean, Dad?"

"Mike's gone, Bella."

"Gone?" _Gone where?_ I couldn't figure out what my dad was trying to tell me. Mike was going to be fine. He was coming back. He'd be here soon.

Seeing the look of incomprehension still on my face, my dad sighed and said quietly, "Mike died on the way to the hospital, Bella."

My knees buckled. If my dad hadn't been holding me, I would have sagged to the ground.

I saw that Alice and Rosalie had tears streaming down their cheeks. The boys all looked pale and stricken.

I couldn't feel anything. I knew my arms and legs were still there, but I couldn't feel them.

I couldn't hear anything but a woman's high-pitched scream ringing in my ears. I didn't know where it was coming from. She just kept screaming, "No! No! No! No!" over and over again. I wished she would stop. Why wouldn't she stop?

Suddenly I realized that I was the one who was screaming. That endless stream of "No!" was coming from me.

And I didn't know how to make it stop.

* * *

For those of you who were nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop, there you have it.

Was it anywhere close to what you were expecting? I hope not. I wanted it to be sudden, brutal, and completely unexpected. Just like life sometimes is.

So, do you guys hate me right now? Are you thinking of maybe gathering an angry mob together? If so, you will find me waiting in the On a Lonesome Road thread at Twilighted.

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot).net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0

If you find yourself without angry mob supplies of your own, torches and pitchforks will be available for purchase at the door. I do have to request no tar and feathering though please. I've heard that shit stings.

Thank yous go out to Delta, Gemma, and Ravyn for knowing that this was coming and loving me anyway.


	13. Quicksand

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Important A/N at the bottom.**

Chapter 13 – Quicksand

I could feel the thoughts buzzing in my head, but they were moving too fast for me to comprehend.

A small voice in the back of my brain questioned how it was possible for me to be so detached, so disconnected from what was happening around me. I had never experienced anything quite like this before. It was like I was locked somewhere deep inside my mind, observing everything with a dispassionate eye, while my body just reacted without conscious thought. Everything around me seemed to move in slow motion. My thoughts seemed so sluggish. Why couldn't I think properly?

I looked at my friends. Emmett was now holding Rosalie in his arms. Jasper stood beside Alice with a protective arm over her shoulders. When had they moved? I hadn't seen it. Did Emmett and Jasper suddenly have super speed or something?

Alice's and Rosalie's tears still flowed freely. That didn't seem so strange to me. I was used to strong emotions from the girls – we had laughed and cried together so many times before. But then I noticed that both Emmett's and Jasper's eyes were suspiciously bright. What was wrong with the boys? Those couldn't be unshed tears in their eyes! It wasn't right! Emmett and Jasper were my most stalwart and steadfast friends – my surrogate big brothers. What could possibly have affected them so deeply? Finally, I dragged my eyes to meet Edward's. There was unbearable sorrow in those green depths. Why was Edward so sad? He blinked. I watched a single tear escape from his eye and tracked its progress down his cheek. I hated whatever it was that had caused him such pain!

I felt so cold, but I couldn't understand why. I was standing in Alice's front yard in the middle of June. The sun had decided to peek through the clouds and was shining down brightly. Shouldn't I be able to feel its warmth? My dad still had his arms around me; shouldn't I feel his body heat against me? But instead I felt chilled to the bone. Wait. My dad's arms were still around me. I could see them. So why couldn't I feel them? Why couldn't I feel anything? My entire body seemed to be numb.

Movement from the corner of my eye brought my attention back to my friends. Almost as one, Edward, Jasper, and Emmett had suddenly moved forward, their arms raised as if in preparation to catch something. But then they paused and each took a step back, their arms going limp at their sides. I suddenly realized I was sitting on the ground. How had I gotten there? My dad sat beside me, my head propped against his shoulder.

I heard nothing except for a pounding in my ears. No more distant screams. Had I stopped screaming? I didn't remember stopping. But then again, I didn't remember starting in the first place. My throat felt raw. How long had that solitary word been ripping its way out of me?

Dad's shirt felt damp against my cheek. I wondered how it had gotten that way. Distantly I seemed to remember some point when my body had been wracked by sobs. Tears then? When had that happened? After the screaming? During? I couldn't seem to recall.

Why was I here again? What had happened? My thoughts sloshed through my brain, trying to figure out just exactly what was going on. I looked to my friends for help. Maybe one of them could explain to me.

I slowly took in each one of their expressions. Alice. Jasper. Emmett. Rosalie. Edward. And it began to dawn on me that there was something underneath their sadness. Then it hit me. Pity. Every single one of them was looking at me with such pity. They were hurting for me_. _Because… It finally clicked in my brain.

Mike was dead.

And my friends felt sorry for _me_.

I felt sick. I closed my eyes to block out their faces. I couldn't stand them looking at me like that. Mike was never coming back. He was dead. They should be feeling sorry for him. For his parents. For his grandparents. For those who loved him. They should save their tears and their sympathy for those who deserved it. Not me. I wasn't worthy of their compassion, their concern, their kindness. Didn't they know that? Didn't they realize that it was all my fault? That it was all because of me? That I was the reason that Mike was dead? That I had…

That I had killed him.

~*~

Suddenly, I found myself in my dad's car. I blinked, becoming aware of the trees flashing by on either side of the road as I stared through the windshield. That voice in the back of my brain whispered that we were almost home. Almost home…but I couldn't even remember getting into the car. I didn't remember leaving Alice's. How had I gotten here exactly?

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. I should be able to remember. I became conscious that I was rocking slightly in my seat with the effort to bring back memories which just weren't there. What was wrong with me!

Panicked, I struggled through the quicksand in my mind, searching for the last thing I could remember.

"_Uncle Charlie, what are you doing?" Alice had asked my father._

"_I'm taking Bella home, Alice."_

"_Are you sure that's a good idea? Maybe you should leave her here with me. I know Mom and Dad won't mind."_

"_She belongs at home with her mother and me."_

"_But…I'm not sure that's what Bella needs right now. Don't you think it would be better for her to be with us? I think she might feel better if she had her friends to talk to."_

"_Your Aunt Renée and I are more than capable of taking care of our own daughter, thank you, Alice," he had said coldly._

"_That's not what I meant! I just…I don't know…I can't stand seeing her like this! I just hate not being there for her. Please, Uncle Charlie, leave her with me." _

"_No, Alice," my father said firmly. "She's coming with me. I want her where we can keep an eye on her." _

_Then I'd heard Edward's voice, "Chief Swan, maybe you should take her by the hospital first. Or if you're determined to take her home, I could ask my father to stop by to check on her."_

"_Thank you, Edward. But that won't be necessary. Bella will be fine." _

My eyes opened, but I was no longer aware of the scenery outside the windshield. Again, the thoughts buzzed through my mind. They were no more than wisps of smoke that I found impossible to hold on to.

Part of me wished that my dad had left me there. I didn't feel right. I wanted to be with my friends. I was sure I still wouldn't feel right, but I would at least have been able to just be me. They knew me better than my parents did. They understood me in a way that my parents were just incapable of. If I was sure of one thing, it was that my parents would not understand this.

Part of me was glad that my dad had taken me away from Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie…and Edward. I didn't want them to see me like this. I remembered the pity in their eyes, and I couldn't stand it! I had no right to their pity.

But it was more than that. In truth, I didn't want them to look at me. I couldn't have them look too closely. I was sure my guilt was plainly there in my eyes…on my face…in the way I held my body, hunched and shrunken. It was there, just waiting to be noticed. They would see it and would recognize it for what it was. They all knew me too well. They would see it and guess the truth – that I was guilty.

And a part of me realized that at least one of them was already suspicious of me. The one I most wanted to keep the truth from…Edward… already suspected that I wasn't right. He had wanted me to be taken to the hospital. He had wanted Dr. Cullen to look at me. Edward thought there was something wrong with me. No, he _knew _it. He thought I needed to be fixed, so he already knew that I was broken. I pulled my feet into the seat and wrapped my arms around my knees. Maybe if I made my body small enough, I could hide. From my thoughts. From what I'd done. From Edward.

For the first time ever, my dad didn't yell about my feet on his seats.

~*~

My mother snored. Loudly. When she had offered to sleep in my bed with me, I'd thought it sounded like a good idea. At least, I'd thought I didn't want to be alone. Now I just wished she would go away. I knew I wouldn't sleep even if she left me. But I just wanted some quiet. I knew better than to ask for peace to go along with it.

I couldn't sleep. Well, it wasn't that I couldn't exactly. I mean, I'd dozed a couple of times. Really, it was more like I was afraid to sleep. The few times when I'd allowed myself to be pulled into that half-waking, half-dreaming state, I'd found myself replaying the day over and over again.

"_Damn it, Mom! I should be able to take it easy. This is my vacation, after all! And I'm not your maid!"_

Why did I have to fight with Mom that morning? Why couldn't I have just done as I was told like a good daughter would have?

"_Bella? What's wrong, honey? You sound upset."_

"_It's nothing. I'm fine. So, did you want something?"_

Why couldn't I have just been nice to him? He'd never done anything to deserve that treatment.

"_You know, sometimes I don't even know why I'm here. Everything I do is wrong. Sometimes I just feel like everyone would be better off without me."_

Why did I have to behave like such a whiney brat?

"_I would not be better off without you, Bella. I couldn't live without you, sweetheart."_

Why didn't I see the danger coming? Why couldn't I see where this was heading?

"_If I weren't here, I bet nobody would even miss me."_

"_Well, if you're determined to do it, then so will I."_

Why did I have to be feeling so sorry for myself? And why did Mike have to take me seriously?

"_Well, Mike obviously doesn't think it's nothing. He's getting out his grandfather's gun."_

Why did Mike's grandfather have that stupid fucking gun? Why did I have to say what I did and give Mike the idea to get it out?

"_For Christ's sake, Eric! Tell him I didn't mean it! I don't want this! He can't do this! Tell him to put the gun away!"_

Why couldn't I have done more to stop it? Why wouldn't Mike listen? I should have made him listen. I should have made him stop.

"_Bella, Mike was shot in the head."_

"_Bells, honey, I'm so sorry. He didn't make it."_

"_No! No! No! No!"_

It was on a constant loop in my brain. It was there every time I closed my eyes. The events of today accompanied by all of the reasons that I had caused them. I couldn't have been more responsible if I'd actually done it myself. I might as well have placed the gun to Mike's temple and pulled the trigger. I was a murderer.

Now I just had to wait until the rest of the world found me out.

~*~

Michael Andrew Newton, 16, Forks, died

June 15, 2009 of an accidental gunshot wound.

Born April 20, 1993, in Forks, he was the son

of Andrew and Karen (Ellis) Newton.

He had just completed his freshman year at Forks

High School and was employed at Newton's Outfitters.

He enjoyed camping, hiking, and was an avid surfer.

He was also involved in the Forks High drama

department and had a featured role in their musical

production this past spring.

Other survivors include his paternal grandparents,

Patrick and Sharon Newton and maternal grandparents,

Thomas and Catherine Ellis.

The service will be 10:00 a.m. Thursday at Mount

Olympus Funeral Home in Forks. The Rev. Luke Weber

will officiate.

Visiting hours will be 4 to 8 p.m. Wednesday at the

funeral chapel.

* * *

I sat and stared at the bold black and white newsprint in my hands. A neatly trimmed rectangle, it fit in my palms. It didn't seem like the right way to sum up a life. A name. A date of birth. School and work. Hobbies and family connections. And 'the arrangements' – how I hated those words. But there was nothing of Mike in the paper grasped between my fingers.

Where was the boy I'd known in all this bald statement of fact? It was certain that he was nowhere to be found in his…obituary. That's what I held in my hands. His obituary. And it contained nothing of his smile. There was nothing about his pale blonde hair and blue-gray eyes, his handsome face. It said nothing about how smart and sweet and funny he'd been. Not a word was said about his kind heart and giving nature. Nothing about how he'd loved me. And nothing about how I'd murdered him.

I focused in on those words again. The words that had drawn my eyes seemingly a million times since I'd first encountered them – 'an accidental gunshot wound.' Is that truly what they believed? That it had been an accident? Didn't they know that I was to blame?

In the three days since Mike's death, I had waited. I had known that it was only a matter of time. At any moment, there would be a knock on my door. The sheriff or one of his deputies would be standing at my doorstep, demanding to talk to me. They would say that they only had a few questions, or that they just required a statement, but they would _know_. They would know that I was the reason Mike was dead.

I had waited. And nothing had happened.

Why had they never come? Hadn't they talked to Eric? Hadn't Eric told them that I had caused Mike's death? Why wouldn't he? Eric had no reason to protect me. I was guilty. I didn't want his protection. I didn't think Eric would lie for me, and I wouldn't want him to. Had he told them? I was sure he must have. So why hadn't they come for me? Didn't they understand the significance of my role? Didn't they recognize that I was the villain of this piece?

Unless. My father. He was the Chief of Police. It was true that Mike's death had been handled by the sheriff's department, but my dad knew everyone who worked there very well. Many of the deputies had even worked for my dad at one time or another. Others hoped to work for the city police department, under my dad, in the future. Had he quietly taken care of things? Would he do that? Or maybe… Maybe he hadn't had to say anything. Maybe the simple fact that I was Chief Swan's daughter had discouraged questions.

The truth was I didn't know why they hadn't come for me. And honestly, I was afraid to ask. Well, I was afraid to ask questions out loud. Inside my head, they were crammed tight, fighting for elbow-room between my guilt and my self-loathing.

I was still staring at the paper in my hands, although I could no longer see the words before my eyes. The sound of the doorbell finally broke the spell the clipping had seemed to cast over me. I slowly stood, and after placing the scrap of newsprint carefully on my dresser, I went to the door to answer it. I had no choice. I was the only one at home. My mom and dad were both at work. I had told them to go.

As I opened the door, I saw Jasper first. The black suit, silver shirt, and matching silver tie he wore brought out the honey golden tints in his hair and accentuated his tall, broad-shouldered frame. Objectively, I thought that he was probably the most handsome I'd ever seen him. And the picture of strength and masculinity he exuded were only enhanced by the delicate, ethereal girl beside him. Alice was dressed in a flowing, long, black skirt topped with a crisp white peasant blouse. The stark colors highlighted the contrast of her snowy white skin and the inky darkness of her hair. They were here for me. It was time.

Alice flew at me and wrapped me in a loving hug. I allowed the embrace, but my arms hung stiffly at my sides. When she released me, Jasper took her place. After a quick squeeze, Jasper pulled back. He was looking at me. I could feel his eyes on me. I stubbornly gazed at the knot of his tie. But Jasper was both patient and insistent. I knew he wouldn't completely release me until I looked at him. I forced my eyes upward, and they locked with his.

"Hey. Are you okay, Bella?" he asked me, his words were so gentle and caring.

I couldn't hold back the tears that swam in my eyes. I swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in my throat and pushed my way out of Jasper's arms. My eyes dropped back down to the middle of his chest as I answered gruffly, "I'm fine, Jasper."

I chanced a glance at Alice and intercepted the concerned look she exchanged with Jasper. I was going to have to put a stop to this. Right now. "Listen, I know you two are worried about me. But I really can't stand you being so nice to me! I won't be able to get through this day if everyone is going to be nice to me. So don't. Please. I'm begging you. I want no kindness. No comfort. No sympathy. I don't deserve them." I saw Alice open her mouth to protest, but I cut her off before she could start. "I mean this, Alice. It's what I need, okay?"

I could tell that Alice wasn't happy about what I'd said, but she nodded her head in agreement. I shut the door behind me and pushed past the two of them to reach Jasper's car. The ride to the funeral home was silent.

The moment I walked through the doors, my arms wound around my body. I wasn't exactly sure why. Partially, I was trying to hide myself – as ridiculous as that sounds. I just wanted to make myself somehow smaller. Less noticeable. I knew that it didn't work. That people would still see me, would still stare, would still whisper. But I couldn't help trying. And partially, it was a way to try and hold myself together. For some reason I couldn't understand, I quite literally felt like I was falling to pieces. Holding on seemed to help keep me whole. I just prayed that it would continue to work. I couldn't fall to pieces. Not here.

I had timed our entrance perfectly. Alice had wanted to come early, but I had refused. I didn't want to see anyone before things got started, and I sure as hell didn't want to be seen! I didn't want people coming up to me, fishing for information about what had happened. I didn't want to hear whatever stories gossip had created to explain it. I knew the gossips wouldn't get the story right, and it was pointless for them to try. I was certain that nobody had guessed the true reason that Mike was dead...me…and I didn't want them to find out. So at my insistence, we had arrived only five minutes before the service was scheduled to begin.

I hadn't expected so many people. Although, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. It looked as if all of the freshman class of Forks High was here, and there was a good portion of the sophomores, juniors, and seniors too. There were also plenty of adults – family or maybe friends of Mike's parents, I assumed.

At first glance, all of the chairs seemed to be filled. There were even people standing in back of the room who had not come early enough to get a seat. I was just about to join the group at the back, when I saw Emmett stand up and wave at Alice, Jasper, and me. He was sitting on the far end of the third row. We made our way through the crowd behind the chairs and down the aisle to Emmett. There, beyond Emmett and Rosalie, sat three empty chairs. Edward sat next to the last empty seat. I hung back and waved Jasper ahead of me. I didn't want to sit next to Edward. I followed Jasper and sat down beside him, Alice sitting on my other side.

With less than a minute before the service was to begin, Edward stood and simply looked at Jasper. Jasper wordlessly slid across to the seat Edward had vacated, and Edward took the seat next to mine. I didn't want him there! I opened my mouth to tell him so, but it was too late.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Reverend Weber stand from his seat in the front row. He was Angela's dad and had chaperoned band trips from time to time, so I knew it was him. He walked over and leaned down to talk to someone I couldn't see. I craned my neck to make out who it was.

_Oh, God._

It was Mike's mom. I almost didn't recognize her. Every time I'd seen her before, she'd always been so put together – her blonde hair perfectly highlighted, her nails always professionally done, her make-up never less than flawless. Today her hair was pulled back into a careless ponytail. She wore no make-up at all. She held a tissue clutched in her hand, pressing it against her lips. Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks.

It hurt me to look at her. I squeezed my eyes shut, unwilling to see the pain I'd inflicted.

I opened my eyes again just in time to see Reverend Weber stand again and cross to the podium. He looked over the crowd for what seemed to be a long time before he started to speak.

"We're here today to celebrate the life of Michael Newton. I know that it's not always easy in times like this to think of celebration. It is difficult when the life of one so young is cut short to feel little but pain and grief. But I knew Mike, and there was so much about his life to celebrate.

"Mike was a member of my congregation. He was only three when his parents first started coming to our church. To say that Mike was a handful back then would be putting it mildly. I remember the time when we called all the children to the front of the church for the part of the service we call Children's Moment. I don't remember what the lesson was that particular Sunday. But I do recall Mike getting a mischievous look on his face about halfway through my message – I could actually see the wheels turning. Suddenly, he stood up, turned around to the communion table behind him, and grabbed a huge chunk out of the communion bread before stuffing it into his mouth. I'll never forget the self-satisfied look on his face…or the mortified look on his mother's."

There was laughter throughout the room. I didn't laugh. My arms tightened around me.

"Yes, Mike could be a handful when he was young, but it was all part of his energetic and imaginative nature. And as he grew, he learned to channel his vivaciousness and imagination in more positive ways. Mike was not just a member of the youth of our church. He was a leader and a role model, not just for the younger children, but for his own peers as well. He organized fundraisers for our youth group when they needed money for our mission trips. He was always central in the planning of our Youth Sunday, the day each year that our youth plan and execute an entire worship service. Every year, the kids prepare a skit for that service, and it was always Mike who had the perfect theme for it, and although he always played a part in those skits, he encouraged others to share their talents and shine as well. And last fall, Mike was the one who actually gave our sermon on Youth Sunday. He gave a passionate sermon about making one's life count, not through making money and getting ahead, but instead through following Christ's example by showing love and tolerance and compassion to one's fellow human beings. It was a message that I know Mike not only talked about but tried to put into practice every day."

I was floored. How was it possible that I didn't know any of this about Mike? We had talked so much. I thought we had been close friends before we started dating. But as I thought back, it seemed that we had always talked about me – about my past, my thoughts, my dreams. Mike had always wanted to know everything about me. And I just told him what he wanted to know. I never asked him anything about himself. I felt a stab of pain through my chest. It was just another glaring example of my selfishness. And it was ultimately my selfishness that had killed Mike, hadn't it?

"For those of you who were friends of Mike…" I hadn't been listening to what Reverend Weber was saying, but this brought my attention back to him.

"I know that many of you have never attended a funeral before. For those of you who have, most probably attended a funeral for a grandparent or older relative. I'm sure that you find today to be a much different experience. Although we always mourn and miss those elder loved ones who have passed away, we at least have the comfort that they lived a full life. But there is something that seems wrong, even cruel, when the life of someone like Mike – someone so young, so vibrant, so full of promise – is taken from us too early. It seems unfair. We want to know why. We question how something bad could happen to such a good person."

I could hear the muffled sniffles of restrained tears all around me. My own eyes stung with the need to cry. But I couldn't. I had no right to grieve.

"At times like these, I often have people come to me, looking for answers to those questions. You see, I'm supposed to be the expert in these matters. But I'm afraid I don't have the answers. They are clearly beyond our understanding. And I know that that answer is difficult for us to accept.

"There are often two responses to our frustration with that answer. One is to simply say, 'It was God's will.' I don't believe that. I doubt any of you do either. It was not God's will for Mike Newton to be taken from us…not so soon and certainly not in the manner that it happened. The second response is the opposite side of the same coin. 'It's God's fault. He took Mike from us.' I don't believe that either. The God I worship is not a vengeful or cruel God. I believe in a God of love. He loved us so much that he sent his son, Jesus Christ, to teach us love and tolerance and compassion, just as Mike once preached and as Mike always lived."

I didn't want to listen anymore. I wasn't even sure I believed in God. But regardless of whether or not He existed, I didn't need Reverend Weber to tell me that God wasn't responsible for Mike's death. I knew that it was me.

My eyes inadvertently fell on Mrs. Newton, and I quickly shifted my gaze, desperate to escape the devastation I had caused. But if I had been hoping to evade the evidence of my guilt, I definitely looked the wrong way. I had avoided looking at the front of the room ever since I'd walked in. Now my eyes came to rest on Mike's coffin for the first time. I gasped, trying to get air into my lungs. The coffin was open. I hadn't expected that.

I felt the blood drain from my face as Mike's dad stood and then helped his mom to the coffin. It was almost as if Mrs. Newton couldn't make her legs move to carry her to the coffin where her son lay. She looked down on him for a few moments, and then threw her arms around him and began to scream, "No! No! I won't leave him! I won't leave my baby!"

Mr. Newton was leaning over her, talking in her ear. Mrs. Newton just shook her head. Her husband then tried to gently pull her arms away from Mike. "No! I won't let you take my baby from me!"

The muffled sniffles that I had noticed before had become open, heart-wrenching sobs. No one was unaffected by the sight of the grieving mother before us. None more so than me, because I was the reason for her suffering. My heart was pounding in my chest. I couldn't catch my breath.

Abruptly, Mrs. Newton released Mike and spun around toward the chairs. She reached out her hand and pointed a finger – aimed directly at me. "She did this! Bella Swan! It's her fault that my baby is dead! She killed him! Murderer!"

Several people now got to their feet and turned to look at me. I realized in horror that they too had fingers raised. There was soon a chorus all around me. "It was her! Killer! It's all her fault!"

Suddenly, I realized that Mrs. Newton was finally being led away by her husband. She had never said a word to denounce me. And the people standing around me were simply doing so to line up to see Mike one last time. Their condemnations had all been in my head. I was losing it. I still couldn't seem to get enough air into my lungs.

Edward took my elbow and helped me to stand. He led me to the front of the room. I didn't want to go, but I couldn't make my mouth work to tell him, and I couldn't seem to make myself stop moving forward either.

I was standing there, looking down on Mike. I searched his face, but could find nothing different. He looked like my Mike. I could find no evidence of a wound anywhere. Wouldn't something devastating enough to kill him show somewhere? He just looked as if he were sleeping. I began to wonder if what they'd told me was true. Had they lied to me about Mike being shot? And if they'd lied to me about that, they could have lied to me about Mike being dead. Was he sleeping? Was this whole thing just one huge, cruel joke?

I shook the denial from my brain. I knew that this couldn't be a joke. A nightmare, possibly, but not a joke. And then, no matter how tightly I tried to hold myself together, I just couldn't anymore.

Edward pulled me to one side of the room and wrapped his arms around me. For just a moment, I was grateful. I thought that maybe he'd be able to keep me together when I didn't seem able to. Then he said, "Just let go, Bella. You have to let it out."

I shook my head frantically. I couldn't let go. I couldn't let the pain overwhelm me. Not here. Please. Not here.

"Bella, I've got you. It's alright."

I pushed my hands against his chest, trying to break his hold on me. He had to let me go. He had to. But he didn't.

And then, I just couldn't fight anymore. I let myself go. I fell apart in Edward's arms. My arms encircled his waist, holding on to him desperately, trying to keep myself from shattering into a million pieces. Uncontrollable sobs wracked my body.

"Shh, Bella. It's okay," Edward told me over and over again as he gently swayed me from side to side.

I was so angry. I was angry with myself for crying. I didn't deserve to mourn – not when I was the reason Mike was dead! I was also furious with Edward. He had made me fall apart! And how dare he lie to me. I hated him in that moment. It wasn't okay! It was never going to be okay again!

Oblivious of my hatred and ire, Edward continued to soothe me until the sobs slowed, and then stopped altogether. He then pulled back and looked at someone over my shoulder.

I turned and there stood Mike's mother. I dropped my eyes to the floor. I couldn't look at her.

"Bella?" she asked hesitantly.

I forced my eyes back up to meet hers.

"I know that we don't really know each other well. But I just wanted to thank you. I know that you and my son were close. He talked about you all the time. I could tell that you made him happy. I had to tell you how grateful I am to you for that. And I wanted to thank you for being here. It meant a lot to me that you were here. Are you going to the graveside service?"

I didn't know what to say. She was thanking me? Obviously she didn't understand what a horrible person I was. She didn't know what I had done to her son. I shook my head and then choked out, "No. I…I don't think I can."

She nodded. "I understand. Believe me, I don't know how I'm going to get through it myself. But… Can you wait here for just a moment?"

She walked back to Mike's coffin. Everyone had already filed past and, thankfully, it was now closed. She reached up and plucked a single yellow rose from the large bouquet covering the lid, and then made her way back to me.

"Here, Bella. I want you to have this."

I didn't want to take it. But I had already taken so much from this woman; I couldn't deny her whatever she wanted from me now. And all she wanted was to give me something to remember her son by. As if I could ever forget him. I took the rose from her and murmured my thanks.

She grasped my hand and squeezed it, before she walked away.

"Bella," Alice said, placing a hand on my arm. "Why don't you let us take you out for lunch? Have you eaten today?"

"Or yesterday?" Emmett grumbled under his breath. I pretended not to hear him.

"Really, Alice, I'm not hungry. I just want to go home."

"Okay, well…we could hang out there with you for awhile."

"I'm sorry. But I just kinda need to be alone right now."

"Bella, I don't think we should…" Emmett began.

"Please, Emmett. I am just so tired. I think I just need to get some rest. I…well, I haven't really been sleeping."

"Sure, Bella," Jasper said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "I'll take you home. Alice, you go with Emmett. I'll catch up with you guys later."

My second ride in Jasper's car was just as silent as the first had been. When we reached my house, he got out and walked me to my front door, but came no further. As I started to walk inside, he took my hand to stop me.

"Bella, just know that we're here for you. All of us. We'll be here for you, no matter what. Okay?"

I nodded and then left him standing on the porch, quietly but firmly shutting the door behind me. I walked slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to my bedroom. Every step seemed to be an effort. I placed the yellow rose on top of the newspaper clipping on my dresser and walked to my bed. I pulled back the covers and climbed into bed fully clothed, only taking the time to kick off my shoes.

I tried to ignore them, but my eyes were continuously drawn to the rose and the scrap of paper on my dresser. They seemed to be pulsing, humming, demanding my attention. I remembered reading "The Tell-Tale Heart" in English last year. I wondered if these two items would be the beating heart that would slowly drive me mad. Trying to escape them, I curled myself into a tight ball and threw the covers over my head.

I didn't sleep.

**

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**

On a Lonesome Road has been nominated in two categories for the Indie Twific Awards, AH WIP story that knocks you off your feet and Best Action or Drama Story. Thank you to all of you who nominated this story!

**The purpose of these awards is to promote new authors and bring attention to quality fics that may be, as yet, largely undiscovered. Please go to their website for a list of all the nominees. The first round of voting begins February 20****th****!  
**  
**http://www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com/  
**

I just wanted to clarify one item in chapter 13. Edward does not want Charlie to take Bella to the hospital because he thinks she needs mental help. He's a doctor's kid, and he was worried about the physical effects of Bella's shock at that point. It's Bella in her guilt and paranoia that thinks Edward was talking about her mental state.

Thank you to all the readers who've decided to stick with me. I appreciate those of you who are still here! And thanks to Gemma, Delta, Ravyn, and Nina for their support!

I will post a teaser for chapter 14 this Friday, February 12th on the On a Lonesome Road thread on Twilighted.

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot).net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0

Chapter 14 will be posted next Tuesday, February 16th.


	14. Crazy

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Please read all A/Ns at the bottom! There's some really important information in there!**

"Ah! well-a-day! What evil looks

Had I from old and young!

Instead of the cross, the Albatross

About my neck was hung…

Alone, alone, all, all alone,

Alone on a wide wide sea!

And never a saint took pity on

My soul in agony."

"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Chapter 14 – Crazy

I had a new best friend. And we were practically inseparable. Honestly, even the thought of being separated sent me into complete and utter panic. Of course, being constant companions with my new friend meant that I had to distance myself from my old ones, but it was a price I was willing to pay. Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice didn't understand. They were constantly trying to pry us apart. They couldn't comprehend why I clung on so desperately. Jasper seemed to understand more than anyone else. But I could see flashes of concern in his eyes from time to time, even though he tried to conceal them from me. Edward… I refused to think about Edward. He was the biggest threat to succeed in parting my friend from me, and I just couldn't let go. It wasn't possible. Not now. I needed my new friend, numbness, just to make it from one day to the next.

No one knew what a struggle it was for me to get through 24 hours. And I was never even allowed to feel the slightest taste of victory for completing my Herculean task. Because there was always another 24 hours facing me on the other side – and yet another beyond that. Like Sisyphus, it seemed I was constantly rolling a great stone uphill, only to have it roll down again before I could reach the top – usually almost crushing me in the process.

The nights were the worst. It was during the nights when my friend, numbness, saved me again and again. I would lie in my bed and let it enfold me in its comforting blanket. My arms, my legs, my entire body would become impossible to move, heavy with the absence of sensation. Even my brain was numb, for the most part. The thoughts still flew through, but my mind kept itself carefully detached from them. They were there, but not there. I was aware of them, yet my deadened brain allowed me not to examine them too closely. But I knew what I was thinking. I pictured it over and over again. I couldn't stop. I didn't know how.

_I saw myself, pulling back the covers and pushing myself out of bed. _

_I wouldn't let myself think about where I was going, but my body knew what to do. I would walk slowly, silently out of my room and into the hallway. I was a lifeless body, a walking corpse, a zombie. _

_I didn't need the light. I didn't want it. I wanted the darkness of the night to match the darkness of my soul. _

_Down the hallway and into the bathroom. _

_I could see my hand reach up and open the medicine cabinet door. _

_My fingers knew just what they were looking for. They knew exactly where to go. They grasped their prize between them and pulled it gently from the cabinet. I could feel the cool metal against my skin. _

_I welcomed the pain as I drew the sharp steel blade quickly across first one wrist, then the other. This pain would mean an end to the pain. The friend that was coming to greet me now would be the final, ultimate numbness. _

_I could hear the clatter of the razor blade as I dropped it into the porcelain sink. I could feel the life's blood flowing from my wrists. I would close my eyes. _

And then I was back in my bed.

The numbness that weighed me down had kept me from actually carrying out my thoughts. But it couldn't stop the macabre scene from flashing once again before my eyes. It began again and ran through to its grisly conclusion, time after time.

Sometimes the method changed – I would swallow the contents of the pill bottles inside the cabinet instead of using the blade. But the truth was that I thought just going to sleep and never waking up again was too easy a way out for me. I deserved to suffer for what I'd done, so it was the bite of the blade across my wrists that played through my mind most often.

I knew they were just thoughts. I would never act on them. I couldn't do that. I couldn't put the people I loved through the pain. I knew my parents would be devastated if I took myself away from them in that way. I thought about Mrs. Newton at Mike's funeral. It temporarily pushed my sweet numbness from me and caused the pain to seep its way through me once again, but I didn't shy away from it. I forced myself to put my own mother in Mrs. Newton's place. And I knew I could never knowingly put her through what I'd seen Mike's mom suffer.

I had to admit though. There was a certain seduction in the scene. To have the numbness without constantly working to maintain it. To never worry about the pain returning. To be able to finally rest. They were almost irresistible temptations. It was in my weak moments that I was most grateful to my friend who pinned me to my mattress in those interminable hours before each dawn.

~*~

I walked into the band room for the first time of the year a week later than everyone else.

In that week, I hadn't seen any of my friends…not even Alice. I'd refused to talk to any of them either. When my cell phone went continuously to voicemail, they'd tried to call my parents' home phone. My mother would open the door of my room without knocking and wordlessly hold out the cordless phone to me, and I would just roll over in my bed away from her, ignoring her, the phone, and my friends in one fell swoop. I'd heard her use each one of my friends' names multiple times as she explained repeatedly that I just wasn't up to talking yet.

I hadn't told anyone I was going to show up to band that day. As I approached the room, I could hear the normal, chaotic, happy sounds coming through the doors. I wondered vaguely how anything could possibly be the same, but as the thought endangered my carefully donned calm, I quickly dismissed it.

I stepped through the doors and paused, uncertain for a moment. I was so used to my solitude now. It wasn't that I liked it exactly. Not considering the hours I spent torturing myself there. But it was…I don't know…somehow easier, I guess. I didn't have to worry about what others thought of me. I didn't have to fear how I would be treated. I didn't have to guard myself against the painful things that people say and do – sometimes purposefully, and sometimes despite the best of intentions.

As I stood there in the doorway, the noise around me slowly ground to a halt. It began gradually, a few people noticing me here and there. But it spread quickly as heads nodded, hands gestured, and even fingers pointed in my direction. And then, seemingly as one, a chorus of whispers swept through the room.

_Hmm… They're not exactly subtle, are they?_

_Have they ever been?_

_No._

_Have they ever seen someone fuck up to this magnitude before?_

_No._

_See. They don't have time for subtlety, they have a murderer in their midst._

"Bella!"

I jumped as I heard my name ring loudly through the room. I saw Alice flying at me at top speed. Before I could stop her, she had attached herself to me and showed no signs of letting go.

_She's touching me!_

_Ugh! I know._

_I don't want her to touch me. I can't handle it!_

I pushed her gently, but firmly, away from me. "Hi, Alice."

I could see the hurt and confusion in her eyes. But she quickly tried to hide it from me.

"It's so good to see you! I've missed you! We all have! It's wonderful to have you back!"

"Thanks." My voice sounded wooden, but it was all I could manage.

"Swan!"

Now it was Emmett's turn to scare the hell out of me. Why did they both have to be so damn loud?

"How are you, baby girl?" Emmett came forward with the clear intent to envelop me in one of his big bear hugs. I put a hand up, and he stopped short.

"I'm fine, Emmett," I said, my tone just as lifeless as before.

Emmett just looked at me. He huffed, crossed his arms, and raised an eyebrow. "Fine? You're fine, are you? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, Bella?"

"No."

I could tell that Emmett was getting a little put out with my monosyllabic answers, but I just couldn't find the energy for more than that.

"Bella, exactly how much weight have you lost in the last 10 days? Eight pounds? Ten?"

"I don't know. I haven't been getting on the scales, Emmett."

He reached over and took a handful of the shirt at my side and bunched the material into his fist. "Look at this. Your clothes are hanging off you!"

I flinched away from his touch, and I could see how much that upset him.

_Wow, you're really on a roll today. Let's see how many people you can hurt in 10 minutes or less, shall we?_

_Please, just be quiet._

"Baby girl, I'm just so worried about you. You're pale as a ghost, and you have such dark circles under your eyes, it looks like someone blacked them both for you. You're still not sleeping, are you?"

I didn't look him in the eye. I couldn't. If I looked at him, I might feel regret or pain, or even anger. And I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to be numb.

"I'm fine, Emmett." It's all I could safely say.

He threw up his hands in frustration. I'm not sure what he would have done or said next. I became distracted and simply walked away from him.

I had seen Eric across the room.

He was sitting with his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched, staring off into space. I recognized the pose. It was one I'd been using so often lately. Ben Cheney was sitting beside him, talking to him quietly. Eric just sat there, either unable or unwilling to hear what Ben was saying. I recognized that too. Sometimes I felt like I would scream if someone just wouldn't stop talking.

I didn't know how I would be received, but I felt compelled across the room to Eric. I briefly pondered if he'd slap me. Would he yell at me? Would he tell everyone in the room precisely what a monster I was? I didn't know. And I didn't care. Whatever he did, I would deserve. I just knew that I had to go to him.

He was the only one who knew almost as much as I did. He was the only one who knew the truth – the only one who understood completely that I was the one to blame for Mike's death. I mean, I had spewed some of the story at Alice during my panic that day, but she didn't know everything. Eric had been there.

He had been there. And that's why I had to go to him now.

I stopped in front of his chair. It took a couple of moments for him to even realize I was standing in front of him, and a few more before he finally figured out exactly who I was. He seemed to be in a fog that matched the one I'd found myself living in ever since that day.

Eric stood and simply looked at me. I waited. There was nothing else I could do but wait and see what form my well-deserved punishment would take.

Suddenly Eric's arms were around me, and he pulled me strongly into his grasp. "Bella, I'm so sorry. Please, tell me you forgive me."

I was shocked! I wasn't sure what I should do. Eric's embrace and his words had violently stripped my numbness from me, and all of my nerves felt too raw.

My body and my mind once again disconnected. I found myself with my arms around Eric, my hand pushing his head down onto my shoulder, and my fingers soothingly, maternally running over his hair, all without the conscious decision to move.

"There's nothing to forgive. _You_ didn't do anything wrong."

"I was just so scared. I didn't know what to do, Bella. I just froze."

"I know, Eric. I know."

"I didn't expect the gun to go off. It was so loud. And I didn't know what had happened at first. Mike…" Eric's voice cracked and his words broke off.

I didn't want him to go on. I didn't want to hear this. But I knew he would. I knew he needed to. He felt he had to unburden himself to me. To me, of all people. And although I didn't want this, I knew I needed it just as much as Eric did. I needed to hear exactly what I had done. I knew the pain of it would shred my soul to tatters, but I needed to know exactly what kind of monster I was.

"At first, I thought everything was okay. I thought Mike was okay – maybe just as scared as I was that the thing had actually gone off. There was a pile of clothes on the end of his bed. He'd been unpacking. He never said a word to me. He just grabbed a white t-shirt off the bed and ran out of the room. I didn't know what was going on."

Eric paused again and swallowed hard.

"And then he came back. He had the shirt pressed against his head, but it wasn't white anymore. It was dark red. It took me a second before I realized it was blood, Bella. His blood."

I closed my eyes and willed myself to keep listening.

"I didn't know what to do. It felt like I was frozen. There was just so much blood. Mike leaned against the wall and slid down it. And then, the next thing I knew, he just sort of slumped over on his side on the floor. I couldn't think. I just couldn't. And then I remembered you. I knew you would tell me what to do, so I called you."

He looked at me apologetically. "I didn't realize that I'd even hung up on you, Bella. I'm sorry about that."

"Eric, don't apologize to me. It's alright."

He nodded and put his head back down on my shoulder. "I should have done more. Maybe if I had done more, reacted faster… Maybe…"

"Eric, listen to me. Listen. You didn't do anything wrong. You were in shock. You did everything that you could. What happened was not _your_ fault. Do you hear me?"

He nodded against my shoulder, but from the tension in his body, I was sure he didn't believe me.

"Hey!" I said, stepping back from him and taking his face between my hands to make him look at me. "You will not blame yourself for this. You didn't do this. Eric, I won't let you believe that it was your fault. It just happened, okay? There was nothing more you could do."

And there, in the depths of his eyes, I saw a hint of relief. I felt the tension leave his body ever so slightly. He had asked for me to absolve him, and I had, freely and without hesitation. I knew where the true guilt lie.

I hugged him to me once more. I knew that I had given him maybe a small measure of peace, but I also knew that he would still struggle to make it through this. I hoped his parents were getting him some help. He shouldn't have to struggle through this alone.

Suddenly, I realized the chorus of whispers around me had become a dull roar…

~*~

After the novelty had worn off, the kids in band had been pretty cool about Eric and me. They knew us, so they were willing to cut us some slack. They were sure that neither one of us had had anything to do with Mike's death.

Obviously none of them knew me as well as they thought they did.

I knew they were all still morbidly curious about what had happened. Nobody had heard what Eric and I had said to each other in the band room. I didn't even realize that we had spoken to each other so quietly, but apparently we had. Ben had been the only one anywhere near us at the time, and if he'd heard anything, he wasn't talking about it. I was grateful to him for that. And everyone else seemed to realize that Eric and I just didn't want to talk about it. Miraculously, they respected our wishes.

It wasn't easy for me to be there – it was never easy for me to be anywhere anymore – but with my numbness intact, I found that band was tolerable.

It had been a struggle to regain my blessed lack of feeling after what Eric had told me. I had known I would pay for listening to him. I had known that he would inflict an entirely new level of pain on me. And I had been so right. It had taken me weeks before I could firmly fix the numbness back in place. There were times before I could will it back that I knew the pain had driven me well and truly mad. But now, I could keep it staunchly with me at all times…except for the night.

I still wasn't sleeping well. But there was only so long that I could fight it. And I did fight it, tooth and nail. I didn't want to fall asleep – ever – because Eric had gifted me with a new nightmare. His words had engraved vivid images into my brain.

In my nightmare, I had now been assigned a dual role. At the beginning, I had to relive my conversation on the phone with both Mike and Eric. And then, at the point just before the gun went off, I would be in the room with them. I could see what was happening, but they couldn't see me. I would scream out warnings to them both. I would beg Mike to put down the gun. I would plead with Eric to physically take the gun away from him. But neither one of them seemed able to hear me. I would try to move; try to do something, anything to make a difference – to make Mike stop before things went so horribly wrong. But I couldn't make my arms or legs work. I couldn't move at all. I was forced to stand there and do nothing. I was forced to watch everything that Eric had told me unfold before my horrified eyes.

I always woke myself screaming. My parents didn't even come in to check on me anymore. I was pretty sure that they could sleep through the screams now.

~*~

"Bella?" I heard my mom's soft voice calling my name as she cracked my door and peeked her head inside.

S_he doesn't knock anymore._

_There's no point. You never answer._

_Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten._

I had been sitting on the floor, my back propped against my bed. I looked up at my mother with no curiosity, no irritation, no frustration. My expression was blank. There was nothing in my eyes, because there was nothing in me. I was empty.

"Bella? Honey?" She sounded uncertain. I hoped she'd get to the point. It was easier to be alone.

"Hmmm?" I hummed at her. It was all I was able to give her.

"Look who came by to see you, baby." My mom opened my door wider, and Alice bounded into my room with Rosalie right behind her. They were both carrying sleeping bags and duffle bags.

_Why can't they just leave me alone?_

I didn't move from my spot on the floor.

I saw Alice's smile dim ever so slightly, before she upped the wattage and made it twice as bright as before. "Hey, Bella! What's up with my favorite cousin?"

"Hi, Alice. Nothing. You?"

Rosalie actually laughed. "How do you do that, Bella? It's really kind of fascinating to me. Do you play a game with yourself to see how few syllables you can get away with in a day?"

I just looked at her and shrugged.

Rose grinned and gave me an admiring glance. "Now that's talent. You truly have a gift, Bella. Don't let anyone tell you differently."

"Not as great a talent as being able to deliver snark with a smile and compliments, but it's all I've got," I answered her.

"Well, if that wasn't the Goddamned Gettysburg Address of speeches coming from our dear, sweet Bella. Pace yourself, babe, Alice and I are going to be here all night."

"Isn't it a school night?" I asked. It was early September, and the new school year had started a couple of weeks ago.

"It's Friday. You'd think being back at school would help you keep track of the time better, Bella," Rose said.

"It does," I replied. "When my mom or dad tells me not to go to school that day, I know it's a Saturday or Sunday."

"Brilliant. You're an absolute genius, Bella. I swear."

"Oh, Rose, give her a break. We just got here, for Christ's sake. Let her acclimate a bit," Alice chided.

I was grateful to Alice for getting Rosalie to back off, but I didn't think I was going to ease into the idea of them being there. I really just wanted to be alone.

"Wait, if it's Friday night, why aren't you with the boys?" I asked them.

"We decided we needed a girls' night, Bella. It seems like we never see you anymore."

I didn't respond.

"Besides, Emmett and Jasper took Edward out to celebrate. Or to let him wallow. I'm not exactly sure what the theme of the night will end up being," Rose added.

"Can I brush your hair, Bella?" Alice asked me. "You know how much I love to do that."

I got the distinct impression that Alice was trying to change the subject.

_Thank God for that._

I knew that I should be curious about what the boys were up to – curious about…Edward – but I knew it was too dangerous. He would always be the most perilous subject for me. Thinking of him meant feeling again. He meant volatile emotions like sadness, fear, anger, and even hints of resentment and blame, that I didn't like to admit to, not even to myself. But the two strongest emotions connected to him were intertwined and equally treacherous for me to examine, guilt and…love. I forced him from my mind and finally declined Alice's request.

I knew why she had asked. She never used to before. But all of my friends had come to realize that I couldn't handle being touched any longer. Human contact, especially from those who meant the most to me, sent me into a panic. I had wondered briefly if the five of them had discussed me behind my back, if they'd compared notes about just how crazy I'd become, but had quickly decided it just didn't matter. Nothing did.

Alice settled on brushing Rosalie's hair instead. They chattered to each other for awhile, and I stopped listening.

"Bella?" Alice got my attention but didn't look at me. She was engrossed in the thick braid she was plaiting down Rosalie's back.

"Yes?"

"Rosalie and I actually had a bit of news we wanted to share with you." Her voice was casual, and she still didn't look up from her work.

"Really? What is it?" I didn't really care. But I knew she'd share it with me whether I showed interest or not.

"Well…it's just…ummm…"

"Spit it out, Alice!" Rosalie exclaimed.

Then Alice finally looked at me, and her entire face lit up with excitement. "EdwardbrokeupwithTanyatoday," she said in a rush.

"Was that English?" I asked Rosalie.

"I think it was Pixie, actually. Anyway, what she said was, Edward broke up with Tanya today."

"Is he okay?" No matter how I tried, I would never be so numb that I wouldn't want to know he was alright.

"He's fine. He said it was actually a long time coming," Alice said.

Rosalie huffed, but Alice ignored her and so did I.

"Oh," I responded. It was all I could say. It was all I could safely allow myself.

"Oh? Oh! That's all you can say? Bella, don't you know what this means?" Alice asked me. She was virtually vibrating now.

I just looked at her, my face a carefully constructed mask of emptiness.

But Alice took no heed. She rushed blindly on, "You're single. He's single. Can't you see? You and Edward can finally be together!"

I pulled my numbness closer around me. I calmly looked from Alice to Rosalie and back again. Finally I answered, "No, Alice."

"No? What do you mean, no?" she asked confused.

My voice was steady. My conviction was clear. I had no doubts about what I was saying. "I mean just what I said…no. Edward and I can't be together. I can't be with Edward."

"But, why?" Alice demanded.

"It's not possible, Alice. I can't be with Edward. I'm not single. I'm still with Mike."

* * *

So how many of you are cursing me right now because of the evil cliffie? Hehe. You only have to wait until next Tuesday, February 23rd for chapter 15! I will also be posting a teaser for chapter 15 this Friday on the On a Lonesome Road thread on the Twilighted forums.

Alright, I know that this fic has taken a dramatic turn. Because of circumstances, Bella is now suffering with major depression. As you can probably tell from this chapter, there is not a single aspect of depression that I'll flinch away from exploring, including thoughts of suicide. So many people, in particular teenagers, struggle with these kinds of thoughts. If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please seek help from a physician, a psychologist, or school counselor. If you find yourself in a suicidal crisis, you can also find help by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

If any of you are doubting that Mike could react the way he did with a head wound like that, could you just trust me that it's possible and NOT send me crappy reviews about it? I would really appreciate it! I'm not trying to be mean here. It's just that I _know_ it's possible, and I'm asking this of you for the sake of my own sanity. Please.

Just so everyone knows, On a Lonesome Road is also being posted on twilighted(dot)net. If this story ends up being removed from FF for any reason, I hope you'll look for it on Twilighted.

Thanks to all my readers, reviewers, and to Ravyn, Delta, Gemma, and Nina.

**Voting for the Indie Twific Awards starts February 20****th****! On a Lonesome Road is nominated in the AH WIP and Best Drama categories. Please vote! **

**www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com**


	15. Confrontations

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 15 – Confrontations

_My voice was steady. My conviction was clear. I had no doubts about what I was saying. "I mean just what I said…no. Edward and I can't be together. I can't be with Edward."_

"_But, why?" Alice demanded._

"_It's not possible, Alice. I can't be with Edward. I'm not single. I'm still with Mike."_

Their eyes widened as they looked at me. It appeared that I had stunned them into silence. Neither of them spoke for several minutes. It wasn't something that happened often with Alice and Rosalie. It seemed that one or the other of them always had something to say. I might have felt amusement. Or maybe a sense of accomplishment at achieving the impossible. But I felt nothing.

Then Alice blinked and turned to Rosalie. A loaded glance passed between them, and she turned back to me.

"Uh, Bella?"

"Yes, Alice?"

"You do know that Mike isn't here anymore? He… He died, Bella." She spoke in a quiet, soothing tone, as if I was some crazy person who she was trying to talk down from a ledge. The thought jolted me for a second. Maybe that's exactly what she thought. Maybe that's exactly what I was.

Suddenly, I was angry. "I know that, Alice! Jesus Christ! You think I don't know that? Do you think for one instant that I could ever forget?"

"Bella, I.." Instinctively, she placed a hand on my shoulder.

Furiously, I shook her off. "Don't touch me! Please. Just…don't."

Alice looked stricken. And I hated myself for doing that to her.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

My anger was back. I was mad at myself. I was mad at her. I was just plain mad at everything. "Why the fuck are you apologizing, Alice? Don't apologize to me!"

Alice looked at me with tears filling her eyes. She didn't know what to do for me. I had made her afraid to even try to reach out to me. And that just made my rage spike even more.

"And don't do that!"

"What?" Alice begged in frustration. "What did I do now?"

"That 'I'm dealing with a lunatic, so I just won't make any sudden moves' thing you've got going on. Stop it! I don't need you to talk me down. I'm not crazy!"

A look at my two best friends told me that they had their doubts about that. If I were being honest, I had my doubts too.

"Christ, Bella. Dial it down a notch. She didn't mean to set you off," Rosalie scolded.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. "Look, I know. Okay? I know that you both are just trying to help, but…"

I paused and started again. "Listen, I know that Mike is…dead." My voice broke on that final word. "Believe me, you don't have to remind me. It's just… We were still together. At the…end. Mike and I were still together. We never broke up. It feels…wrong…somehow. To even think about being with someone else. Disloyal. He's only been gone for three months."

I was startled by my own words. Had it really been three months?

In some ways, it felt like Mike's death had just happened. That it had been only yesterday. Maybe that was because I relived it every day. It kept everything fresh in my mind. It meant that the pain underlying my numbness was always raw and throbbing, never showing any signs of healing.

In other ways, it felt like I had lived forever in those three months. The anger. The pain. The insomnia. The nightmares when I did sleep. The constant thoughts of suicide when I didn't. The careful cultivation of the numbness to block all of that out. No wonder I felt years older. Decades. Centuries.

Suddenly my life stretched out before me. I could see it, a long and lonely road set in an endless and barren wasteland. How could I manage to plod along day after day for the rest of my life? Alone. I would be alone. My friends couldn't come with me. They hadn't done what I'd done. They weren't monsters. They weren't insane. They didn't poison everyone and everything around them. That was me. I did that. And they would never understand that. They _could _never understand.

I put my head in my hands and wept bitter tears. I didn't know what else to do.

"Bella, honey, please," Alice said quietly, "we're here for you."

"We'll do whatever you need us to do, Bella. Seriously, we all love you, and we aren't going anywhere." The censure had left Rosalie's tone, and she now sounded contrite.

They were pretty words, but they were hollow. My friends said them, because that's what they were supposed to say. But I knew. I knew that sooner or later they all would leave me. And they should. It was best for them. I only wanted what was best for them. And that was not me. It could never be me. Never again.

I stopped crying. It did no good to cry.

I let the emptiness come and fill me up once again.

I fixed my eyes on a spot on my wall, curled my knees into my chest with my arms wrapped around them, and slowly rocked.

~*~

It was October. Another month had passed.

My birthday had come and gone three weeks ago. My friends knew better that to suggest another party. God, that seemed so long ago – my fifteenth birthday party at Jasper's.

Now, I was sixteen. That landmark birthday that all teens look forward to. Plan for. Dream about. Sweet sixteen. Not for me. My life was already over.

As the weeks of the school year had slipped by, I'd gradually become aware of the stares and whispers that followed me down the halls and into the classrooms. The general population of Forks High didn't know me the way the Bandsies did – or thought they did. Thankfully the numbness mostly shielded me from noticing or caring.

My friends refused to give up on me…yet. They'd even talked me into going out with them one Friday night. And we'd all tried too hard. They'd tried too hard to draw me out, to engage me. And I'd tried too hard to ignore them all. I had been exhausted by the time I'd finally escaped. I'd been ducking their invitations for a repeat performance ever since.

I'd actually gotten pretty good at avoiding them. That's what I was doing right now. Avoiding the people that meant the most to me. It had gotten even more difficult for me to do since both Edward and Rosalie now had their driver's licenses. There was always someone around who was willing to give me a ride to and from school. Willing? It was more like they insisted. Lately I'd been using the excuse of doing research for an English paper to keep them at bay.

That's why I was sitting in the school library at 3:00 on a Monday afternoon, staring at a book open in front of me. I couldn't actually see the words though. That would have required concentration that I just didn't have. It was just easier to fake it. That way, I didn't have to think. And people would just leave me alone.

Or so I thought.

"Well, if it isn't the perfect Miss Bella Swan."

I looked up to see who had said my name.

Tanya Denali sat down in the chair to my right. Jessica Stanley sat in the one to my left. And Lauren Mallory stood behind me. They'd effectively blocked all means of escape.

Although these three girls had never been friends before, they had suddenly become joined at the hip within the last few weeks. No one was quite sure what had brought them together. But it was obvious that they had found something to bond over.

"Hello, Tanya," I mumbled. I was certain she was the one who had spoken first.

Jessica's fingers bit into my arm, twisting me to face her. "You dare to talk to her? Like you've done nothing wrong?"

"Wrong?" I asked, confused by her words.

"Don't even try to sit there and act all innocent, Bella. Everyone knows what you've done," Lauren said.

I couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Everyone knew? How? I hadn't told a soul…not even Alice.

"He told me that you were just friends. He told me I was being paranoid when I said I didn't trust you. 'Bella is so sweet. Bella is so funny. Bella is just so fucking perfect.' He talked about you until I thought I would scream if I heard your name just one more time. But still, he told me that there was nothing between you. You know what, Bella? I hate being fucking lied to," Tanya said angrily.

"Edward." His name escaped my lips without conscious thought. I was just so stunned that this was about Edward. I had thought… No, I wasn't going to bring those thoughts back to the surface. Not now.

"Tell me something, Bella. How does it feel to break up a happy couple?" Jessica wanted to know.

"Tanya and Edward had been together for almost two years. Two. Years. Until you finally pulled them apart," Lauren added.

"You bitch! I knew that you'd been doing everything in your power to drive a wedge between us for a long time. You've been panting after my Edward for the last year! Don't think that I didn't notice."

"You're nothing but a worthless slut," Lauren hissed at me.

I turned to look at her. Her face was twisted with rage. And I began to have an inkling of why _she_ was here.

"I can't believe Edward broke up with me over you. Do you know why? Did he tell you?"

I couldn't do anything but shake my head.

"He heard me. Talking about you with Jessica and Lauren...and a few others. We were discussing what a piece of trash you are. About how you try to destroy people's lives. How you destroyed Mike's life. We weren't saying anything that wasn't true. But Edward was livid. He stood up for you. And he told me that he couldn't even stand to look at me anymore. Over you. God, you have that boy snowed."

Tanya looked at me with such hatred in her eyes. "Tell me, Bella," she requested, "just exactly how long have you been fucking him?"

"WHAT?"

"You can drop the act, Bella. I'm not stupid you know," Tanya said.

"Were you fucking Edward behind Mike's back?" Jessica demanded. "Did Mike find out about it? Is that why he committed suicide?"

I was horrified. "Mike didn't…" I tried to force out words around the lump in my throat. "It was an accident."

"Please. We know that you've been telling anyone who will listen that Mike killed himself over you. What a waste. He could have had me. I would have made him happy. And instead Mike died for a two-timing whore like you," Jessica spat at me.

"I didn't… I haven't… I would never say that! I could never even think that! Mike's death was an accident. It was _not_ suicide. I have to believe that! If I didn't, I wouldn't even be alive right now! I have a hard enough time not killing myself even knowing it was an accident!"

_Oh fuck!_

_Please tell me that I didn't just say that! Not to these three!_

One look at each of their faces, and I knew I'd given them exactly what they wanted. They shared a ravenous, snarling look as if they were wolves who had suddenly found a weak, helpless lamb in their midst.

"Jesus Fucking Christ, Swan. You're not only a bitch and a whore. You're also absolutely insane," Tanya said with a chuckle. "Edward sure can pick them, huh? It would be almost sad – if it wasn't exactly what he deserved for treating me the way he did. I don't know about you girls, but I can't wait to spread this gem of gossip around."

Jessica joined in with her own cruel laugh, "When we get through with you, Bella, you won't even be able to hold up your head in this school."

Obviously, they didn't realize that I already couldn't hold my head up anymore.

Their words had become like physical blows. I couldn't take much more. My elbows were resting on the table before me. Now I lowered my head and covered it with my arms in a defensive gesture. I knew I shouldn't show such weakness in front of them. That it would only prove me ripe for the kill. But I couldn't help it. There was nothing else I could do, and I had to do something to try and protect myself.

"I can't wait for Edward to find out. I think I'll tell him myself. That way, I'll get to see the look on his…"

"TANYA!"

My head snapped up at the sound of his voice. Edward was standing a few feet away, an expression of murderous fury on his face. In just a couple of long strides, he was right beside her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Tanya?" Edward demanded.

Tanya smiled up at him, completely unrepentant. "What, Edward? We were just having a little chat with your girlfriend here. No harm done."

Edward glanced at me, and I averted my eyes as quickly as I could. I didn't want him to see the frightened, cornered look in my eyes, and I knew I hadn't had time yet to disguise it.

"No harm done, huh? Well, it certainly doesn't look that way to me," Edward said.

Damn it! I obviously didn't hide myself from him fast enough. He'd seen my panic.

"Listen, Edward. You have no say over what I do anymore. If I want to tell Bella Swan just exactly what a _bitch_ I think she is, then I will. And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Edward grabbed Tanya's arm and dragged her out of the chair to face him. He lowered his head to look directly into her eyes; his nose was less than an inch from her own. His voice when he spoke was quiet, but there was no mistaking the hint of malice in the tone. "No, you listen to me, Tanya. I'm only going to say this once, and I want to make damn sure that you remember it. Your anger is directed at the wrong person. Bella hasn't done anything wrong.

"I'm the one who has made a royal fucking mess of things. I should never have let things go on between us for as long as I did. It was unfair to everyone involved. But you and I had known each other for so long… You'd been there for me, whenever I needed a friend, for my entire life. We'd always been so close, and everyone just assumed that we would end up together as a couple – including you. I liked you and respected you. I cared about your feelings. So, it just seemed…easier…to simply go along with everyone's expectations. I hoped that my feelings for you would deepen into something more than just like. But it never happened, Tanya. I wanted it to, honestly…for your sake. But it never did. I felt so guilty about that. I never wanted to hurt you, Tanya. And I felt that I owed you my loyalty, because you'd always been so unfailingly loyal to me. We had so much history together. I didn't want to just throw all those years of friendship away. But it was wrong. I was wrong, Tanya. All I did by staying with you was hurt you so much worse. For that, I'm sorry. And the absolute worst thing I've done is that, by staying, I seem to have made you into this bitter, insecure, conniving bitch that stands before me now. There's nothing left of the Tanya I cared about. That is what I regret most of all."

There was outrage in Tanya's expression. "So, you started seeing me because it was convenient? And you stayed with me out of pity?"

"If that's all you choose to take from what I said, then, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way."

"Fuck you, Edward Cullen! We both know that you would have loved me if _she _hadn't come along."

Edward answered her calmly, "Perhaps. Perhaps not. But the fact remains that Bella did come into my life. And she showed me just how insufficient my feelings for you really were. Everything I had been trying so hard to feel for you, I felt for her effortlessly."

And then an edge of anger slipped back into his voice, "But that is not her fault. She didn't do anything but just be herself. It was all me, Tanya. I did this. Don't ever take it out on her again. I won't stand for it! Do you hear me?"

At this point, I'd heard enough. Actually, I'd heard more than I could handle. And I definitely didn't want to hear anymore. I took advantage of the vacant seat on my right and slid away from the table. Without looking back, I ran out of the library and down the hall towards the band room.

I hadn't made a conscious decision to go there. I just knew I had to put some distance between me and what had just happened. It ended up being a lucky instinct. There was a slight jog in the hallway just before the band room. I stopped there and slid down the wall. It was a nice place to hide. I couldn't be seen from either direction unless someone turned the corner to walk right past me. Anyone coming from the library would have no way of knowing I was there. I was safe.

I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to just be numb. But I couldn't seem to turn off my brain like I wanted to. Thoughts of what had happened in the library came to me, no matter how much I willed them away. Finally, I just gave in to them.

I chuckled darkly to myself. Well, I seemed to have figured out the mysterious bond that had brought that unholy trio together.

They all hated me with a passion.

Tanya hated me because she thought I had stolen Edward from her.

Jessica hated me because she'd obviously had feelings for Mike.

Lauren? Well, Lauren's hatred was a little harder to understand – it was more abstract.

I thought that most of Lauren's hate was self-directed. But she had told me so much about herself last year. I was certain that she had opened up to me more than she ever had to anyone else. Now, I wasn't exactly Sigmund Freud. But it seemed logical to me that if one hated oneself to the extent that Lauren obviously did, one might also hate the person who knew one's deepest, darkest secrets. Of course, understanding it didn't make it any easier for me to deal with.

I blew out a breath in an attempt to calm myself down.

And Edward… Nope. Wait. Stop right there. That was my breaking point. I couldn't let my thoughts go there. My self-defense mechanism refused to let me think of Edward and what he'd said to…"

"Bella?"

"Edward," I breathed out in defeat. I should have known that he'd find me.

He sat down next to me. "Bella, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. It looked like they were giving you a pretty hard time. Do you… Umm… Do you want to tell me what they said before I got there?"

"No. It really doesn't matter. I'm okay."

He looked at me skeptically. He knew I was lying.

I cleared my throat and asked, "What were you doing there? I thought you went right home after school." Yes, it was much better to distract him with unimportant details.

He looked down before bringing his eyes back to mine. "Well… Actually, I decided to wait for you. I was going to offer you a ride home when you were finished in the library. I thought I would just play the piano in the band room while you did your research, but then I decided that I'd much rather be where I could keep an eye on you."

Ah, the details didn't seem to be as unimportant as I'd hoped.

"I don't know what they said to you. But it isn't hard to guess." Edward took my hand and entwined his fingers with mine. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

I wanted to free my hand from his. But I couldn't. I just didn't have the strength left.

"Edward, it's okay. Really. Just forget it."

He nodded his head, showing me he was willing to let it go…at least for now. He looked down again before biting his bottom lip and looking up at me from under his lashes. "Bella, can I ask you something?"

"Yes, of course." Honestly, when he looked at me like that, I had a hard time denying him anything.

"You've been avoiding me."

My heart constricted in my chest. "That's not a question," I evaded.

"Well, I was wondering why that is exactly."

I sighed heavily. "Edward, I'm just going through so much right now. It's not just you. It's Alice and Rosalie and Emmett, my parents, and…well, just about everyone and everything in my life at the moment."

Edward's eyes locked onto mine. There was a burning intensity to his gaze. I could tell that he wanted to say something to me. Something that I wasn't ready to hear. He hadn't quite decided to tell me yet, and I prayed that he wouldn't. I saw the moment when he made up his mind, and I knew that things were about to irrevocably change between us.

"Bella, I know that you're going through a difficult time right now. And I know my timing really sucks. But I've waited so long to tell you this; I just don't think I can wait anymore…"

"Edward, don't…"

"Bella, I think I fell in love with you the very first time I saw you. Remember that first day at band, when you took my hand… I never wanted you to let go…"

"Edward, stop…"

"Please, I know that you're hurting right now. It kills me to see you in so much pain. Let me help you, Bella. Let me be there for you."

I hated myself for what I was about to do. But I had no choice. I had to save Edward. From me.

"I'm no good for you, Edward." That, at least, was true. And how well I knew it.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life, Bella."

One look at his open, trusting expression, the love shining in his eyes, and I knew what I had to do. He wouldn't let me go otherwise. I had to hurt him.

"I don't want this, Edward. Why can't we just leave things the way they are? Why can't we just be friends?" I closed my eyes and forced the blackest lie through my lips, "I'm sorry, Edward. I can't make myself feel something for you that I just don't."

"You…don't…want me?"

I forced myself not to flinch at the devastation on his face, the hurt in his voice.

I pulled my hand from his. "No."

His eyes went cold and dead. "Well, that changes things."

As if in a trance, he stood up and walked a few paces away from me before turning back. "I'm sorry, I forgot. Would you still like that ride home?" His tone was crisp and businesslike.

"No, Edward. You go ahead. I'll just call my mom to pick me up."

He nodded.

And then he turned and walked out of my life.

I made sure I heard the door close behind him before I let the tears fall.

* * *

**First round voting has begun for the Indie Twific Awards. On a Lonesome Road has been nominated in the AH WIP and Best Drama categories. Please go vote!**

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Are you mad at Bella? Do you think that her friends and Edward are bungling this situation to an astonishingly stupendous degree? If you'd like to talk about anything OaLR related, you can find me in the thread on the Twilighted forums. I'm also there if you want to talk about anything non-OaLR related. It may surprise you with the subject of this story, but I do actually have a sense of humor. So feel free to come and play. I will also post a chapter 16 teaser there on Friday, February 26th!

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&st=0&sk=t&sd=a

As always, thanks to everyone who continues to read and especially to those who have shared your thoughts with me in reviews. And of course, thank you to Ravyn, Delta, Gemma, and Nina for always talking me down whenever I've needed it!

Chapter 16 will be up next Tuesday, March 2nd!


	16. Consequences

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Please read all A/Ns at the bottom! There's some really important information in there!**

Chapter 16 – Consequences

I awoke the Monday before Thanksgiving with my entire body on fire. I felt like razor blades had been shoved down my throat while I slept. Every swallow brought excruciating pain. And I felt so weak.

_Fuck. Not this again._

It took a great deal of will to get my arm to move away from the bed and reach for the thermometer that I now kept permanently on my nightstand. I let muscle memory take over as I turned the thermometer on and then stuck it under my tongue. It had become routine.

I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep, waiting for the beeper to go off. Sleep would be good, if only the pain in my throat would allow it. Sleep was my friend when I was like this. The illness would make it much less likely for the nightmares to plague me. My mind would shut down, and I would actually rest in peace.

_Rest in peace. Isn't that an interesting way to put it?_

_I'm not listening to you right now. I'm too sick._

The beeping of the thermometer brought me out of my thoughts. I pulled it from my mouth and cracked one eye to read what it said.

_101.8_

_Yes! Even Dr. Gerandy would have to recognize that this was actually a fever!_

I found it frustrating as hell that my body just didn't run fevers very often. I didn't even run the 98.6 degrees that the medical community considered "normal." My body temperature was usually at least a full degree below that. And when my temp got to ninety-nine degrees or above, I felt like I was about to die. But my doctor considered that to be within "normal" parameters, and disregarded it as not really being a fever at all. It sure felt like a fever to me. Damn him!

There was a downside to my high fever though. Coupled with the fact that my throat was killing me, it meant that I had pharyngitis…AGAIN!

Why did I even go see Dr. Gerandy anymore? I always knew what was wrong with me these days. Oh yeah, because he'd give me a doctor's note for school and drugs that sometimes worked…temporarily.

This had started about a month after Mike's death. I had ended up with an upper respiratory infection in the middle of July. Who catches a severe cold in the middle of summer? Me, apparently.

Since school had started back up again, it had only gotten worse. It often started as an upper respiratory infection but then developed into something else. I had had bronchitis, sinusitis, laryngitis, pharyngitis, and tonsillitis – sometimes in fantastically crippling combinations. In my head, I'd come up with a catchy nickname for my chronic illnesses…URI and the -Itis Crew.

I never seemed to be healthy for longer than a couple of weeks before it started back up again. In the three months since school had began, I'd missed 13 days of school. Students weren't supposed to miss more than 10 days in an entire semester! And I was about to miss even more. But I was too sick and weak to care.

"Bella?" My mother had cracked open my door and was peering in at me. She knew that I should have been up and moving by this time if I were going to school.

"Mom." My voice was a pathetic croak.

My mother sighed heavily. "Again? Bella, you really shouldn't miss any more school."

It hurt too much to talk, so I just held out the thermometer out to her. I hadn't turned it off yet, and it still recorded my temperature.

She took it from me and gave it a cursory glance. And then, as if both the thermometer and I were lying to her, she placed her hand on my forehead. Apparently the heat radiating off my skin convinced her that I really was sick after all. But she didn't appear to be all that concerned about my welfare. She looked irritated in fact. "Well, I really can't stay home with you today. I have to go to work. If I call Dr. Gerandy and make you an appointment for today, do you think you can drive yourself?"

_What other choice do I have?_

I just nodded.

"Alright. I'll call the doctor's office as soon as it opens. I'll call your cell later to let you know what time your appointment is. I'm leaving now. Is there anything you need before I go?"

She was anxious to be gone. I didn't want to keep her, so I just shook my head no.

She paused in the doorway of my room. "Oh, you'd better call Alice and tell her that you won't need a ride to school today."

I nodded, and my mother left quickly.

_Escaped would be a more accurate description. Escaped from you._

_Why shouldn't she run from me? I would…if it were possible._

I had actually gotten my license last month. My parents had surprised me by buying an old pickup truck for me from my dad's friend, Billy Black. It was a 1953 Chevrolet, one of those hulking, solid iron monsters which are practically indestructible. It was faded red and rust with the bulbous appearance that was popular in its day. I loved it! The only problem was that it was also a gas guzzler. So I still usually caught a ride to and from school with Jasper or Emmett or Rosalie. I never asked Edward though.

Pretending that I hadn't just thought _his _name, I fumbled for my cell phone that was lying on my nightstand next to my alarm clock. I clicked send and listened to the ringing on the other end of the line. Alice picked up after the second ring. "We're on our way to pick you up now, Bells," she said without preamble.

"Alice…"

The sound of my voice told her the entire story. "Oh, Bella! You're sick again?"

I got so tired of that word, "Again," whenever this happened. I heard it over and over. From everyone…even from me. And I hated the disappointed or disbelieving tones that accompanied it. Did these people think that I was faking it? Or that I asked for it? Or that I _wanted_ to be sick?

"Yes, Alice."

"Well, do you need anything? Is there anything we can do for you?"

"Notes. Homework," I said, my voice now little more than a squeak.

"Of course! Is there anything else you need? Tea? Soup? Popsicles?"

"No. Thanks."

"Okay, Bella. Rest today. Drink plenty of fluids. Feel better!"

"Bye," I said before clicking to end the call.

I placed the phone within easy reach, rolled over, and let the illness and my exhaustion drag me into a blessedly dreamless sleep.

~*~

I was sitting on a dark blue table covered in white paper that crinkled every time I moved even a millimeter. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. I didn't need to. There were the same pale blue walls and the same posters, one depicting the musculature and circulatory system of the human body and the other a long list of general health tips, which I remembered from all my previous visits to this familiar examining room. There was the same glass-front cabinet that held supplies like tongue depressors and cotton balls, not to mention the clear jar filled with ancient and extremely stale lollipops that I used to get as a reward every time I'd been a good girl and not cried after my shots.

I'd been a patient of Dr. Gerandy's for as long as I could remember. Actually, it had been even longer than I could remember – he had actually delivered me! He wasn't an Ob/Gyn or anything. He was just a general practitioner. But my mom seemed to think that meant that he knew how to do everything. She seemed to think he was Christiaan Barnard, William Mayo, and Jonas Sulk all rolled into one. And as far as my mother was concerned, the man could do no wrong.

I put aside the two-year-old copy of Ladies' Home Journal that I'd been thumbing through and glanced at my watch. My appointment time had come and gone 45 minutes ago, and I'd gotten here a whole 15 minutes before that. I sighed. Typical.

Just as I picked the magazine back up again and found the article I'd been reading, there was a quick, efficient knock on the door and Dr. Gerandy entered without being bid to do so.

He was an older man. If I had to guess, I would say he was probably in his mid-sixties. As always, he was wearing a white lab coat over his button-down shirt and khakis, and he had a stethoscope draped around his neck. His hair was thick and iron gray in color. He had a face with craggy features and a strong, square jaw. His hazel eyes were covered by black, horn-rimmed glasses. He wasn't a handsome man, but his appearance matched his profession. He exuded strength and an air of confidence and authority that signaled to his patients that he knew what was best for them. He was there to make it all better.

He didn't look at me as closed the door and took several steps closer to the examination table where I sat waiting. He was looking down at my file open in his hands instead. He was frowning. Finally, he looked up at me, and I saw disapproval flash out at me from behind his glasses – or maybe it was just the fluorescent light reflecting off of his lenses.

"Back _again_, Isabella?" The disapproval in his tone matched what I'd thought I'd seen in his eyes a moment ago.

"Sorry," I squeaked. Then I wondered what exactly I was apologizing to him for. For being sick? How could I help that? For taking up his valuable time? But wasn't that what he was here for? It wasn't like I was asking him to take a look at me for free. He would be paid for this. It was his job, after all.

He then proceeded to do a perfunctory examination that took all of 30 seconds. "Well, I think it's just pharyngitis again. But I'm going to have my nurse come back in to swab your throat for a strep test. I'll be back when the results are in."

_Great. More waiting._

After the nurse came back in and used a giant cotton swab to scrape the back of my throat for the strep test – and apparently to make sure my gag reflex still worked—I waited another 35 minutes until Dr. Gerandy reappeared. By that time, I felt awful, I was exhausted, and I just wanted to go home and crawl back into my bed.

He didn't even look at me as he pulled out his prescription pad and jotted off three quick prescriptions. "Well, Bella. The strep test was negative. You shouldn't need antibiotics this time. I'm giving you a prescription for Tylenol 3. It's Tylenol with codeine added to it, so it will help with the pain in your throat but might also make you drowsy. This one," he handed me a second prescription, "is for a decongestant to keep the drainage out of your throat and give it a chance to heal. And this one is for cough medicine. Only take it if you develop a cough. I thought I'd go ahead and give it to you though, so you wouldn't have to come back and see me if that happens."

_Boy, he really does want to get rid of me, doesn't he?_

"School?" I asked.

"You shouldn't go back until your fever has been gone for a full 24 hours."

I just nodded.

I expected him to quickly take his leave after that, but he surprised me by pulling up the rolling stool kept in the room for his use and sitting down beside me.

"Isabella, I would like to talk to you. Is that alright with you?"

Again I nodded.

"I'd like to know how things are for you at school."

I hadn't been expecting that. And because he'd taken me off guard, I couldn't hide the grimace on my face when I thought about what school meant for me now. I adjusted quickly and the twist of my lips was replaced by my normal, carefully blank expression, but it was too late to be convincing. "School is fine," I whispered.

"Fine," he repeated, raising an eyebrow and clearly not believing it for a moment. "Yes, well, I must tell you that I'm a little concerned about all your recent visits to see me."

I felt my brows pull together in confusion. I had no idea where he was going with this.

"In fact, Isabella, I think that the problem is that you really just don't want to go to school."

_Huh?_

I couldn't understand what he was talking about. Every time I'd been to see him, he _had _found something wrong with me. I was sitting on his exam table at this very moment with a high fever and without a voice. He'd just handed me _three_ prescriptions for Christ's sake! And he thought I was…what? Faking? A hypochondriac?

"The truth is, dear…"

My hands balled into fists when he called me that. How dare he? He had no right to use any form of endearment with me. And the way he said it was so condescending and degrading, a stellar example of how a male chauvinist pig puts a little woman in her place.

"…in my opinion, you should see someone."

I still wasn't getting it.

"Another doctor?" I asked.

"A psychologist," he answered firmly.

"Oh." He thought I was crazy. Well, I already _knew _I was crazy. But it didn't really help my self-esteem to have it confirmed by a medical professional.

"I'm going to give you a couple of names of psychologists, both here in Forks and in Port Angeles. I want you to set up an appointment with one of them as soon as possible."

I was stunned. I didn't understand why he was saying these things to me. There was absolutely no way he could know just how precarious my mental state actually was. I hadn't said anything to him about it. I hadn't even hinted at it. And how could he deny that my physical illnesses were real, when he'd been the one doing all the diagnosing for me over the last few months?

"I want to talk to your mother about this, Isabella. I need your permission to do so. Do I have it?"

His tone made me feel like I had little choice but to comply. Besides, I was exhausted, confused, and so very sick. I just had no fight left in me. I nodded my consent.

"Good. I think this will be best for you."

Without another word or glance in my direction, Dr. Gerandy stood and strode from the room. I sat there motionless for a few moments, struggling to comprehend why I suddenly felt like I had been somehow violated.

~*~

A week and a half later, I found myself sitting next to my mother in an unfamiliar waiting room. The walls were beige. The forest green carpet was of that sturdy, indoor-outdoor variety that rarely shows the dirt and wear caused by the hundreds of strange shoes that regularly march across it. The chairs scattered about the room were hard, plastic affairs, pear-shaped and in darkly hideous hues of olive green and gold. And with the exception of Mike's funeral, I had never wanted to be anywhere less in my life!

My mother fidgeted beside me. I knew that she didn't want to be there either. She kept glancing nervously around the room and through the windows that featured a view of the parking lot out front. I was pretty sure that she was ashamed to be seen with me in this particular office.

Not that I blamed her. It had to be tough on a mother to have friends or acquaintances find out that her daughter was Looney Tunes.

And it wasn't like I was exactly keen on the idea of anyone I knew catching me there either. I had tried to talk my mom into letting me go to a psychologist in Port Angeles, but she wouldn't listen. She had said that it was too far for us to drive "just for this." So instead I was sitting in the one psychologist's office in Forks, scared to death that I'd be discovered.

I had to face facts. Most of the student population at Forks High already thought I was a raving lunatic. Tanya had heeded Edward's warning and hadn't spread the news around school that I was a suicidal psychotic. Instead, she'd sat comfortably back and let her minions, Lauren and Jessica, do her dirty work for her. The truth was, if I were seen coming or going from this place, it would just be the confirmation the gossips needed to prove the rumors were true.

At that thought, my breathing became labored and shallow. My heart started to pound. A swell of panic flowed through my body. I couldn't do this. I had to get out.

"Mom."

"What is it, sweetie?" she asked.

"I don't want to be here," I said truthfully.

And then I lied, "I don't need this. I don't belong here."

She didn't even hesitate. "Let's go!"

I could see the relief written all over her face. She jumped out of the ugly plastic chair and practically sprinted out of the office. I walked slowly, silently behind her, my arms wrapped around my body in an effort to hold myself together just a little longer. I couldn't indulge myself just yet. Once I was home…once I was alone…once I had reached the safety, the sanctuary of my own room, then I could let myself go to pieces all over again.

~*~

How had I let them talk me into this?

School was out for Winter Break. It was Saturday night. I found myself surrounded by people in a crowd so thick that it was difficult to stand in, let alone walk through…and I'd never felt more alone.

My friends had ganged up on me. That's why I was here. Alice and Rose had insisted that I come to this stupid party, and Jasper, Emmett, and Edward had threatened to drag me here bodily if I refused.

Yes, Edward was my friend again.

I'd been worried for a while after I'd rejected him that I had lost him for good. He'd avoided me like the plague for about six weeks. And then, it was just like nothing had ever happened between us.

He was my Edward again.

I'd been wary of him at first. I wasn't sure if he was using our friendship as an excuse to try and change my mind about our becoming a couple. But if I was waiting for him to declare his love for me again, it soon became clear that that wasn't going to happen. I never intercepted a longing glance. I never felt him touch me for just a beat too long. There was absolutely nothing in his manner that led me to believe that he wanted to be anything other than my friend.

He'd said he loved me. He'd said that he had fallen in love with me the very first time that he'd seen me. That he had loved me for well over a year before he'd finally told me.

And he'd gotten over me completely in six weeks.

Yes, I will admit that it hurt. The man I loved – and would always love – had gotten over me in just six weeks. But it just proved to me that he never truly loved me in the first place. How could he? What was there about me to love? Nothing. I was not worthy of Edward's love. I was not worthy of love at all.

Honestly, I couldn't even understand why he still wanted to be my friend. I couldn't understand why any of them did for that matter.

"Bella!" Alice appeared before me and the rest of the gang soon followed. "Come dance with us."

"I don't have a partner, Alice."

"That doesn't matter. We're just dancing in a big group anyway. No partner required."

I knew that they were just doing this for me. They didn't want to leave me out. But I understood that Alice really only wanted to dance with Jasper. And Rosalie only wanted to be with Emmett. And Edward…Edward could dance with any girl he wanted. Well, I didn't need their pity.

"I don't want to, Alice. Really. I'm fine right here. You guys go ahead without me."

"Bel-la," Alice whined.

"Seriously. Just go."

"Come on, baby," Jasper urged as he gently tugged on Alice's hand. "She doesn't want to right now. Just let her be for awhile."

Have I mentioned how much I adored Jasper?

Alice relented and let him lead her back to the makeshift dance floor. Emmett looked like he wanted to protest, but Rosalie dragged him away before he could start in on me.

I adored Rose too.

That left me standing with Edward. He looked a little uncomfortable finding himself alone with me. He didn't even look at me when he spoke. "So…umm…you're sure you'll be okay here on your own?"

With every fiber of my being I wanted to tell him no! That I was not sure that I'd be okay on my own! That I was not sure I'd ever be okay again! But I didn't.

"Of course. Go have fun, Edward."

"Okay. If you're sure." He walked away from me then without a backward glance.

I stayed there for a few minutes, leaning my back against the wall. But when it became clear that my friends were discreetly trying to keep an eye on me, I decided to move out of their line of sight. I didn't need five babysitters.

I was pushing my way through the crowd when I accidentally collided with a solid male body. I lost my balance and would have fallen, if his arms hadn't reached out to steady me.

"Oh God. I'm so sorry," I said, looking up into the dark brown eyes of Felix Lawson, Forks High football player.

"No blood, no foul. Besides, I never complain when a beautiful girl winds up in my arms."

I blushed and looked away. "Umm… So… Sorry…again. I'm afraid I'm a natural born klutz." I started to move away from him. "I promise I'll give you a wide berth for the rest of the night."

"Hey. Wait a minute. Who says I want you to?" He lightly grabbed my wrist and stopped me. "Listen, my friends are all paired off with their girlfriends. I was just standing here thinking about how much I hate these things. And then you bumped into me, and I realized that I don't mind them as much as I thought I did. Could you at least tell me your name before you leave me all alone again to wallow in self-pity?"

I found myself smiling at him. He had spoken with a self-deprecating humor and sincerity that I liked. He wasn't being obnoxious or arrogant. And even though I knew that he'd given me a line, it was done in a way that didn't insult my intelligence. He wasn't trying to slip something by me because he thought I wouldn't notice. It was more a mischievous attempt to amuse and charm me – something for us to share, not something for him to pull over on me.

"I'm Bella Swan." I said, reaching out my hand to shake his.

"Bella. Of course."

My heart clinched. Obviously my reputation preceded me. "What do you mean?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Well, Bella means beautiful in Italian, as I'm sure you know. Whoever named you, Miss Swan, knew what he was doing."

I laughed. I actually laughed. I couldn't remember the last time I'd done that.

"And I'm Felix Lawson. So, now that we've been formally introduced, do you think you could honor me with a dance, Bella?" he asked.

I wasn't a good dancer. But a ballad was playing, and I knew that even I could handle the gentle sway of a slow dance. I nodded and let him led me to the dance floor.

We finished that song and then continued dancing through the next one as well. Felix and I kept up a light, witty repartee that left me feeling something other than numb or hurt or angry for the first time in over six months.

When a fast song came on next, Felix led me off the dance floor, but he didn't leave me. He led me into a room away from the dance floor and the music, and we talked for awhile.

My first impression of him was reinforced, I truly liked him. And I liked that when I was with him I could pretend for just a little while that I wasn't really me. Felix didn't know I was crazy…or if he did, he didn't let me know it.

I was so tired of living with the alternating pain and numbness.

I wanted to let myself feel something else. I just wanted to feel good for a change.

So when Felix leaned in to kiss me, I let him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I didn't pull away. He deepened the kiss and tasted the inside of my mouth, and I reveled in how delicious the feeling was.

Of course, I knew that it was only physical. But it was the only way I'd found to experience something other than the pain. The emotional brought devastation. The physical brought pleasure. Who could blame me for wanting to let go, just for a little while?

Besides, this was all I was good for.

I wasn't worthy of love.

What I had done to Mike had taught me that.

And what had happened with Edward had just reinforced it.

* * *

**First round voting for the Indie Twific Awards ends today! On a Lonesome Road has been nominated in the AH WIP and Best Drama categories. If you haven't yet, please go vote!**

**www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com**

Believe me, I'm not the president of Renée's fan club right now either. Feel free to vent, but know if you want to smack her, the line forms behind me.

I really don't mind venting in reviews, and I know that I gave you guys some things in this chapter that you may not be happy about, but could you please at least try not to be purposely hurtful. I would appreciate it.

Big thank yous to all my readers and reviewers, and to Gemma, Delta, Ravyn, and Nina too.

A teaser for chapter 17 will be posted Friday, March 5th on the On a Lonesome Road Twilighted thread.

Chapter 17 will be posted next Tuesday, March 9th.


	17. In or Out of Control

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Please see the A/Ns at the bottom for an important announcement!**

Chapter 17 – In or Out of Control

"Mmmm… Bella Swan, you taste divine," Felix said, pulling back from me just enough to look into my eyes.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been kissing him. I'd shut my brain off completely and just let my body take over. Now I became aware that my fingers had wound their way into the short layers of his golden brown hair and my breathing had become embarrassingly loud.

I leaned into him again and gently teased his lips with mine. "You're pretty scrumptious yourself, Felix."

_Scrumptious? God, you're such a nerd!_

Felix moaned lowly and again swept his tongue against mine.

_Well, I don't think he minded._

He pulled away from me to look at me again. "So…Bella…would you like to take this someplace a little more private?"

_Private?_

I glanced around and realized that although the room we found ourselves in now was away from the heart of the party, there were still people standing around or walking through. I noticed more than one shocked and disapproving glance thrown our way.

I felt the heat of my blush bloom across my cheeks and creep its way down my neck. I bit my lip in a fit of nerves and brought my attention back to the boy before me.

There was unconcealed desire in his eyes, his pupils dilated wide with only a thin rim of his brown irises still visible. His breathing was every bit as ragged as mine. And as I brought one hand from his hair and lightly brushed it against the side of his throat, I could feel his pulse jump under my fingertips.

I had done this. I had made this boy want me. And I liked the way it made me feel. I felt… Confident. Powerful. In control. In other words, I felt completely unlike _me_! I smiled at the thought.

"I'm sorry, Felix, but I don't think so," I told him regretfully. I had enjoyed toying with him, but I had reached the limit of how far I was willing to go.

He took my rejection with good grace. He nodded and took a deep breath, blowing it out in a rush. "Well, can I see you again? An actual date this time? Dinner and a movie, maybe?"

I could feel myself starting to panic at his words. The reason I had been able to handle being with him like this was because I was detached. I didn't feel anything for him, so I was safe.

I couldn't let myself care about anyone. Not ever again.

"You're very sweet. But, I have to turn you down, Felix. I'm sorry. It's just that…I don't date."

"Are you sure I can't talk you into making an exception? I…I really like you, Bella," he said, gently stoking my cheek with the backs of his fingers.

I reached up and grasped his fingers. He allowed me to pull his hand away from my face. I squeezed his hand once before I let it go. "I could really like you, too."

He smiled brightly at me.

"And that's why I have to tell you no."

His smile faded, and he looked at me with questions in his eyes.

"Bella, I won't pretend to I understand. But I'm not going to try and make you to do something you don't want to do. Could you just promise me something?"

I raised an eyebrow and waited for him to continue.

"Please promise me you'll let me know if you ever change your mind."

I pressed my lips lightly to his once more. "I promise," I whispered, before standing up to leave him.

"Oh and Bella?"

I turned to look back at him over my shoulder.

"It was nice meeting you."

I grinned at him and nodded. "It was nice meeting you too, Felix. It was most definitely… educational."

~*~

I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. Every nerve in my body felt stretched taut. I was so tense that my shoulders had bunched themselves almost to the level of my ears. The bottom line was, I didn't want to be where I currently found myself.

I was sitting in the bleachers in the Forks High gymnasium while our basketball team was doing its best not to turn a currently losing effort into a truly pathetic one. However, a twenty-two point deficit early in the second quarter did not bode well for this not becoming a complete and total blood-bath.

But it wasn't the game that was causing my reaction. It was everything that accompanied it. The overwhelming heat caused by the school's heating system keeping the building sufficiently warm in the January chill added to the accumulated body heat of the large crowd. The booming noise of hundreds of people shouting out insults and encouragements, cheering and jeering, clapping and booing by turns coupled with the continuous loud hum of countless conversations going on simultaneously. And then there was the crowd itself. There were too many people, too many bodies packed too closely together. It made me feel trapped, claustrophobic, suffocated. I had to get out!

I had been obligated to attend the game as part of the pep band. I hadn't played cymbals in band this year. The new snare drums that Mr. Johnson had ordered came with cymbals attached, making my old role obsolete. But Mr. Johnson had asked me if I wanted to play one of the bass drums instead. I had agreed and now played the smallest of the huge bass drums. It had required no more musical ability to play bass drum than it had to play the cymbals. I still only needed to memorize when I should come in on each song in our repertoire. Plus I had no more bruises on my arms and no more unintentional mammograms to deal with. So overall, I was content with my new instrument, although carrying around the large bass drum out in front of me posed predictable challenges to my already precarious balance.

But my balance problems – whether natural or caused by my bass drum – were not at issue at the moment. The pep band always sat in the bleachers for the entirety of basketball games. And since standing was not required, a couple of the male bass drum players had asked if they could take my drum from me. The series of four drums could be lined up, side by side, across a bleacher, the drum head facing up, making it possible for all four drums to be played by a single person. The boys were going to take turns playing, which meant that I had nothing to do but sit there. Considering how I was feeling, I was grateful that I wouldn't actually have to concentrate on music, or rather rhythm, tonight. But my inactivity just accentuated my need to get the hell out of there!

Knowing that I wouldn't be needed again until after the game – when I'd have to carry my drum back to the band room – a plan for escape began forming in my mind. My eyes looked down the bleachers before me. Because the percussionists always sat in the very back of the band, I could see every member of the pep band from here. Emmett. Rosalie. Alice. Jasper. Edward. All of my friends were sitting in their respective sections in front of me and none of them were looking in my direction. I stood and walked up the three stairs that brought me to the upper floor of the gymnasium. There was a railing all around the rectangular perimeter of the upstairs area which separated the upper bleachers, where the majority of the students sat, from the lower bleachers that contained mainly band members, cheerleaders, and the families and friends of the team and the coaches. The space between the railing and the first row of upper bleachers was jam packed with students milling around. It was easy for me to slip into the crowd and blend in. Even when my absence was noted, it would be next to impossible for my friends to spot me in the crush.

Although I was still not entirely comfortable with the crowd, it had now become my refuge instead of my prison. It was a place where I could lose myself, where I could hide. Taking the first easy deep breath I had all night, I felt my shoulders drop as my body gradually relaxed.

I made my way through the crowd. I wasn't going anywhere in particular. I just felt like walking. I noticed the people around me, but I wasn't paying much attention to them really. Every once in awhile I became aware of a familiar face, but I didn't stop to chat, or say hello, or even wave.

_Human interaction is the last thing I need._

Suddenly I noticed a group of boys standing to one side of the bleachers talking. One of them, Demetri Monroe, was staring at me with a gleam of interest in his eyes.

_Correction. That type of human interaction is EXACTLY what I need._

Flashing Demetri a flirtatious smile, I walked past him and continued on my way. I knew instinctively that he would follow me. I didn't even need to check to see if he were there. I could feel him, the heat of his gaze burning into me.

Knowing exactly where I was going now, I took a set of stairs that led out of the gym, down to an interior school hallway. Almost no one ever came down this way during basketball games. Usually everyone was either inside the gym, watching the game, or they used the gym exits that led directly outside. I also knew that this particular hallway had a hidden alcove under the stairs. If you didn't know it was there, you would walk right by it. And this was my intended destination.

I heard his steps behind me as I entered the alcove. I turned and leaned against the wall just as he came into sight. He stalked me with an unhurried, predatory grace, coming to stand directly before me, his body crowding mine, his forearms braced against the wall on either side of my head.

"Bella," he acknowledged.

"Demetri," I returned.

We had a nodding acquaintance with one another. We'd had a few classes together, and had even exchanged a few words on occasion. But we'd never done anything like this together before.

"So, in the gym…that look you gave me…it seemed like… Did you want something from me, Bella?" he asked in a husky voice.

"Yes," I answered.

"And what exactly would that be?" he wondered.

"The same thing you want from me," I replied, an invitation in my eyes.

"That's what I thought," he said a moment before he his lips crashed down on mine.

Demetri's kiss was aggressive, hungry, demanding. Almost immediately his lips parted mine and his tongue pushed inside my mouth. I was surprised – this was unlike any kiss I'd ever experienced before – but that didn't mean I didn't like it.

Not thinking, just letting my body feel, I matched Demetri's aggression with my own, my fingers fisting in his hair, tugging it roughly. Demetri growled into my mouth and his arms pulled my body flush against his.

His kisses never slowed, never gentled. There was a devouring, white-hot intensity to Demetri that I gladly steeped myself in. When I felt his hand cup my breast through my clothes, I gasped at how good it felt. When his hand moved under my shirt and pulled down the cup of my bra, I didn't make a move to stop him. When he gently pinched my nipple between his fingers, I moaned and arched into his touch.

"Uh uhm…"

The sound of a throat clearing behind us broke us apart. Demetri's hand slid out from underneath my shirt as he turned to face our interloper. I didn't want to know who it was. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to pretend I hadn't just been caught in a compromising position.

"What is it, Whitlock? We're kind of in the middle of something here."

_Oh holy fuck, this cannot be happening._

"No, Monroe. You're not in the middle; you're finished," Jasper countered. "Bella…"

I cracked one eye open and chanced a glance at Jasper. He was looking at me with a scowl on his face and his arms crossed over his chest.

I sighed. I knew he wasn't going anywhere until I went with him. Well, I would go, but that didn't mean I was happy about it. And I was going to show Jasper that I had no intention of going quietly.

"Sorry, Demetri," I said before standing on my tiptoes to give him a last lingering kiss, "maybe some other time."

When I looked back to Jasper, his lips were pressed together in a grim line. I breezed past him without a word.

Jasper's long strides allowed him to catch up to me quickly, and he fell into step beside me. But when I started to turn towards the staircase that would take us back to the gym, he surprised me by taking me forcefully by the arm and leading me further down the hallway. We turned down the first intersecting hallway and stopped.

I jerked my arm out of his grasp. "Christ, Jasper! What's your problem?" I demanded.

"Everyone's looking for you, Bella. When we saw that you were gone, we wanted to make sure you were alright. We were worried about you."

"Well, as you can see for yourself, I'm fine!"

"Fine? Is that what you are? Because from what I've seen, Bella, you're anything but."

"You're blowing this out of proportion. It was just a harmless flirtation."

"A harmless flirtation does not mean letting some guy you barely know shove his tongue down your throat and paw at you."

"Puh-lease, Jasper. I haven't done a fraction of the stuff the rest of you have. And you don't see me barging in on you to give you a lecture about it either!"

"Bella, don't even pretend that the situations are remotely similar. Not to me. We both know what's really going on here."

My eyes flashed up to his face and then guiltily skittered away. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. Listen, if this were really about you experimenting… Well, I still would have to say something because I think you're going about it in a really stupid, risky way. But I wouldn't be quite as freaked out as I am right now. Bella, I know this isn't the first time you've done something like this."

"You do?" I felt stripped naked under Jasper's eyes. I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to hide myself from him.

"Last month. Tyler Crowley's party. You and Felix Lawson. I…uh…walked in on that one too. Emmett and I went to find out where you'd disappeared to and…"

My arms wound tighter around me. "Emmett knows?"

"He knows about Lawson." Jasper's voice lowered to almost a whisper, "They all do, Bella."

It felt like the bottom dropped out of my stomach. "Edward?"

Jasper sighed. "Yes, Edward knows. Emmett and I told him before he could hear it from somebody else. You made out in full view of half the people at the party, Bella. Did you think that wouldn't make the rounds?"

I didn't answer. I just stood there.

"Bella, you know how protective of you Emmett feels. He really wanted to pound Lawson into the ground for using you that way, but he stopped himself. Because as much as he hated what he saw, he couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope. It was the first sign of any kind of life we'd seen from you in months. He wanted so desperately to believe that just maybe it was the first step in getting our Bella back."

I shook my head. "She's not coming back, Jasper. She doesn't exist anymore."

"I know that. You're never going to be that naïve girl again. You've been changed forever. But that doesn't mean that you can't get through this! You can heal, Bells. You can recover. You won't be exactly our old Bella again, but you'll be a stronger, more mature version. And we'll love the new Bella every bit as much as the old."

I didn't believe him. I was unlovable.

"Emmett was wrong, wasn't he, darlin'? Lawson. Monore. This isn't a sign of healing. It's another way for you to avoid dealing with things, isn't it?"

"No," I lied. "I'm sixteen, Jasper. This is about me taking my hormones for a test drive, just like everyone else my age. Really, it's about time, don't you think?"

Jasper didn't buy it for a second. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Okay, Bella. You know what? I know I can't stop you from doing what you're determined to do. Just please tell me that you're going to use your brain when it comes to this stuff. No more secluded places with complete strangers. You're playing with fire, sweetheart."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. I was a little tired of the lot of them treating me like I was a stupid kid. I would be damned if I was going to promise him anything. I spun on my heel and walked away from him. "You know what, Jasper?" I called over my shoulder to him. "I'll take it under advisement."

~*~

I had no intention of heeding Jasper's advice. I had finally found a release. A way to relieve the pain. And even if it did only work for a little while, I couldn't give up that brief respite. It was the one thing that was allowing me to hold on to my precarious sanity. How could anyone expect me to give that up?

But Jasper's words did give me pause. Now that I knew how he felt – and that he'd be watching me like a hawk – it forced me to reconsider how I'd been going about things. I was pretty sure that Jasper would keep what happened between Demetri and me quiet. And since I had denied it, I didn't think he'd share his theory about my behavior with the rest of our friends. He was almost certain he was right about my motivations, but that slim doubt would keep him silent. Jasper was very good about giving those he trusted the benefit of the doubt, and I would take advantage of that. Still, I was sure if he caught me once more doing something he considered to be "risky" behavior, he wouldn't hesitate to blab the entire story to the rest of the gang. He would consider it his duty to protect me from myself, and to do that he would need their help…five sets of eyes are better than one, after all.

So what I needed was a new modus operandi; something that Jasper wouldn't be able to object to. That was going to force me to do something I had sworn I wouldn't do. But I didn't see any other choice. When Laurent Sebastian asked me to go to the Valentine's dance with him, I accepted.

I had been sincere when I'd told Felix that I didn't date. And I was a little pissed that Jasper was forcing me into this. I didn't _want_ to date anyone! The purpose of dating was to get to know someone better with the possibility of eventually becoming a couple. That's the last thing I wanted! I didn't want to get to know a guy. I sure as hell didn't want to develop feelings for anyone. It was too dangerous! Letting someone…anyone…close to me meant there was a chance I'd be hurt again. It was a chance I wasn't willing to take.

But I had reasoned with myself that a first date would be the perfect solution to the problem Jasper had created. I didn't really know Laurent, although we'd been flirting with each other in Journalism for the past month or so, and a single date meant I didn't have to get to know him. One date would be safe. I could just use Laurent to feel good again. There was no rule that said I'd have to go out with him a second time. And a date tied Jasper's hands. What did he have to complain about? I was doing what girls my age were supposed to do.

To say that the gang was surprised when I told them I wouldn't be going with them to the dance because I had a date would be an understatement. Alice and Rosalie had gaped. Emmett's mouth dropped open. Jasper considered me with narrowed eyes. And Edward… Well, Edward couldn't look at me at all.

_That's right, Edward. I'm no good. You need to remember that._

But in the end, they'd all had no choice but to send my off on my date with a smile. Okay, maybe not all of them sent me off with a smile exactly. Jasper sent me off with an "I'm on to you" glint in his eyes. Edward with a tortured expression. And Emmett with a warning to be on my toes with Laurent.

The dance itself was boring. It was held in the Forks High cafeteria. But despite the attempt of the student decorating committee to disguise it with balloons, streamers, and paper cutouts of red and pink hearts, it still looked like a cafeteria. And the DJ's taste in music was deplorable.

Laurent wanted to sit at a table with his friends, and I didn't protest. The idea of having Laurent sit with me in the midst of my friends made me shudder. Although sitting at a table surrounded by football players – including Felix Lawson, Demetri Monroe, and James Gardner – and their mostly cheerleader girlfriends didn't exactly put me at ease either.

I was afraid at first that either Felix or Demetri would say something about me being there. But neither of them said a word. Demetri just smirked at me. And Felix looked at me with a sad, puppy-dog expression. I felt a prick of guilt when I saw that look on Felix's face, but I quickly forced myself to dismiss it. I told myself I didn't owe him any explanations. I barely knew him. Well, except for that half hour or so when he had his tongue in my mouth.

Laurent looked as bored as I felt, and after we'd been at the dance for about an hour, he'd asked me if I wanted to get out of there. I nodded enthusiastically and grabbed my coat. Laurent took my hand and pulled me behind him through the cafeteria and out the door. I caught disapproving looks on Emmett's and Jasper's faces when they saw us leave. I shrugged off their concerns. What I did was none of their business.

Laurent didn't take me home. I didn't expect him to. Instead we drove away from Forks and ended up turning down a road that was actually little more than two tire paths through the woods. When we reached a small clearing, Laurent parked the car and turned off the engine.

We didn't talk. There was no reason to. We both knew why we were there.

Laurent reached for me, and we kissed. There were no sounds but the soft music coming from the CD player, the patter of rain on the roof of the car, and our increasingly labored breathing. His hands began to wander, and I felt the same thrill go through me at his touch that I'd had at Demetri's.

Then without warning, he pulled away from me. I was confused when he turned away from me and opened his door. He got out of the car and walked around to my side. Opening my door, he reached for my hand and pulled me out. I had no clue what was going through his mind. Did he want to take a walk or something? Mid-make out? In the rain? The mystery solved itself when he opened the back door and stood aside, offering me an open invitation. I stared at him blankly for a moment before I felt my lips crook into a wicked grin. Without any further hesitation, I ducked into the car and slid across the backseat, giving Laurent room to follow me inside.

We resumed right where we'd left off. His kisses were leaving me breathless. His hands on me were driving me crazy. He leaned his body into mine, silently encouraging me to lie back on the seat with his body coming to rest over me. I loved the feel of his weight on top of me. It made me want even more.

His hands were now under my sweater, moving their way slowly upwards. I found myself wanting to touch him the way he was touching me. My hands tugged the hem of his shirt free from his pants and slipped underneath it, running up the bare skin of his back.

He broke our kiss and pushed himself up into a half-sitting position. Then, making quick work of opening the buttons of his dress shirt, he quickly pulled it off and dropped it to the floor. Fascinated, I ran my fingers over the six-pack of muscle in his abdomen. Laurent was an athlete who worked hard on his body, and it showed. When my fingers grazed his nipple, he sucked in a sharp breath. He liked that obviously. I smiled in satisfaction.

My hands slid to his back again and tried to pull him to me. I wanted to feel him on top of me again, and I wanted to resume our kissing. But he had other ideas. He pulled me up to him instead, and before I knew what was happening, he had pulled my sweater over my head and tossed it aside. He kissed me then, his tongue dipping into my mouth, as his hands slowly slid the straps of my bra from my shoulders. I stiffened slightly, not exactly sure I was ready for where this was going, but then I felt his fingers delve inside my bra and gently roll my nipple between them, and I couldn't find it in me to care anymore. Then his hands were on my back, unclasping my bra. He pulled it away from my body and added it to the growing pile of clothes on the floor.

He looked at me then, and I squirmed under his gaze. I had never let a boy see my bare breasts before, and it made me uncomfortable. I was grateful that it was fairly dark inside the car, with only the glow of the clock illuminating the interior.

I think Laurent sensed my uncertainty, because he didn't give me too long to think about things. He brought his lips back to mine and pulled my body to his. At the first contact of my breasts against his chest, I gasped and then moaned loudly. God, it felt good. Laurent then laid me back down on the seat and eased himself over me again. His lips left my mouth and started to make their way across my jaw and down my neck as his hand caressed my breast, his fingers teasing my nipple. And then his hot mouth closed around my nipple and he began to suckle it gently. Nothing I'd experienced before compared to this. I arched my back, wanting more of his mouth on me.

But harsh reality came flooding back as I felt his hand on the button of my skirt.

"No. Laurent, stop," I said, pushing at his shoulder.

"Stop? Now? You have got to be kidding me," he said incredulously, sitting up.

"No, I'm really not. We've gone far enough for tonight. I'm ready to go home." I found my bra and sweater and quickly put them back on.

Laurent huffed as he pulled his shirt back on and buttoned it back up.

He never said a word to me as he drove me home. I could tell he was pissed. We made no small talk and there were no goodnight kisses when he parked on the street in front of my house. I simply got out of the car and walked away without a backward glance.

I didn't care if he was mad at me. I didn't care if he never spoke to me again. He'd served his purpose. I'd gotten what I wanted from him.

Next.

* * *

**On a Lonesome Road has made it to the final round of voting in the Indie Twific Awards in two categories, Best Action or Drama Story and Best Secondary Characterization! Thanks to all of you who nominated and voted for this story in the first round! Truly, it's an honor for me just to be nominated for these awards. Final round voting begins next Monday, March 15****th****. Please go familiarize yourselves with all the nominees and don't forget to vote.**

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I will post a teaser for chapter 18 in my Twilighted thread on Friday, March 12th.

Chapter 18 will be posted next Tuesday, March 16th.


	18. Trouble

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Please see the A/Ns at the bottom for an important announcement!**

Chapter 18 – Trouble

Dealing with my parents was tricky. Ever since the incident in the psychologist's office, I'd been trying to act a little more normal around them. Or maybe I mean I'd tried to act a little less crazy. Regardless, it was hard fucking work, and I wasn't very good at it. Still, I put forth an effort. I would do anything not to end up back in that depressing waiting room again, praying to God that nobody I knew saw me there.

My mom aided and abetted me a lot actually, because she'd decided to go into deep denial. She'd developed an "Everything's fine," "Everything's okay," attitude. Literally. Like I mean those very sentences came out of her mouth with alarming frequency. Sometimes when I had a good numb going, it was _almost_ amusing to listen to her. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, after all.

My dad definitely wasn't in denial. To be honest, I think my behavior since the day Mike died actually scared the shit out of him. But my dad was not one to wear his emotions on his sleeve. He was so quiet, so introverted. I was so much like him in that way. I mean, I always had been, even before I went nuts. Mike's death seemed to be too close to me for Dad's liking – like he suddenly seemed to realize that something brutal and violent and unexpected like that might one day take me away from him. And then, as if his worst fears had been realized, I think it dawned on him that that very thing, Mike's death, had in fact taken me away from him. Physically I was there, but I just wasn't his little girl anymore. And in typical Charlie fashion, he didn't react by ranting and raving and blustering. He reacted by wanting to do everything in his power to protect me. Unfortunately, that meant he was trying to hold onto me so tightly that I couldn't breathe. Which is why I found myself in mid-April, sitting by a stream, getting slowly soaked to the skin by a cold, steady drizzle, while tagging along on a fishing trip with my dad; he'd wanted to keep me in sight, and I was too gloriously numb to fight with him about it.

At least with Dad conversation wasn't required. He was repeatedly casting and reeling in his line, waiting for a fish to bite. And I was free to turn my brain off, let my body go numb, and stare blankly into space for long stretches of time. It definitely didn't take as much effort on my part as most things in my life did these days. For that, I was grateful.

"Charlie?"

I blinked when I heard my dad's name called loudly through the trees behind me, but I had no other reaction. I had been expecting something of the sort. Dad's best friend, Billy Black, was supposed to be meeting us here.

"Here, Billy!" my dad called back.

After a minute, I heard a loud rustling of leaves. Vaguely I noted that Billy seemed to be making a disproportionate amount of noise crashing through the woods. That was odd. Billy was usually stealthy in his approach. He'd scared the crap out of me more than once over the years, which was why I think he always tried to announce his presence now when he knew I'd be with Dad. Of course, these thoughts came and went like wisps through my brain, as they always did when I was carefully numb. They were there, and then they were gone; and I just didn't have it in me to care about any of it.

"Ah, there you are," Billy said. "Bella, it's good to see you, honey. I haven't seen much of you lately. I've missed you."

"Billy," I acknowledged. My voice sounded flat and cold. I kept staring straight ahead of me. I knew it was a really shitty way to greet him. Billy was like an honorary uncle to me. Here was a man who I knew had loved me all my life, and I didn't even have it in my heart to care whether or not I hurt him.

_What heart?_

The internal question sparked the self-loathing that I'd been so diligently trying to hold off. The pain that shot through my chest actually made my breath catch in surprise and agony. The heart that I'd doubted the existence of just a moment before felt as if it had been squeezed too tight in an unrelenting and merciless fist.

_Okay, Bella. You've got to calm down or you're going to lose it right here. You have to get the numb back._

_Yeah, fat chance of that happening. You know that the numb won't come back when you're in full-blown panic mode._

_Alright, so you need something else to distract you. _

_What exactly do you suggest, genius? I'm in the middle of frickin' nowhere._

"I hope you two don't mind. Jacob and his friends decided to tag along with me today."

With Billy's words, I actually felt something shift inside of me. Here I'd been desperate to find any kind of distraction, and Billy was hand-delivering me my very favorite kind. I felt the increasingly familiar wicked, evil grin overtake my lips as I finally turned my head and took in the sight behind me.

_Ding dong._

_You watched Bridget Jones on cable last week, didn't you?_

_Shut it. If it's good enough to describe Bridget's first view of Mark Darcy, then it certainly applies to the bounty of tall, dark, and smokin' hot spread out before me._

Jacob Black had always been around while I was growing up, but I'd spent most of my life avoiding him. A year and a few months younger than me, he'd always seemed to be little more than a pest. I had tried my best to ignore him whenever our parents threw us together and had spent most of my time playing with his older sisters, Rachel and Rebecca.

Now, he was most definitely starting to grow up. And rather nicely too, I might add. He was fifteen, but a recent growth spurt made him look much older. He was at least as tall as Edward now…maybe even an inch or so taller. And unlike so many teenage boys whose sudden growth upward left them looking a trifle on the scrawny side, Jake's broad chest and bulging biceps hinted none to subtly that his body had filled out in all the right places too.

Letting my gaze slide from Jacob to his two friends, I gave myself a moment to ogle. I just hoped there wasn't actual drool.

_Damn. What are they putting in the water at La Push these days?_

One of Jake's friends was even taller than he was, leaner, but still with good muscle tone from what I could tell. The other was a little shorter, but still over 6 feet, and he was even more muscular. All of them had the beautiful russet skin, midnight black hair, and dark brown eyes common among Native Americans. Billy and Jacob were members of the Quileute tribe, and I assumed Jake's friends were as well.

_Aw, Billy. New boys to play with? Just for me? But I didn't get you anything._

"Hey, Bella," Jacob said, coming to sit next to me on the creek bank. His friends sat down on my other side. "This is Quil," he said, pointing to the stockier friend who was now sitting next to me. "And Embry," he indicated the taller boy.

"Boys. It's nice to meet you," I said, shaking both of their hands before turning back to Jacob. "Jake, you look…" _Luscious? Delectable? Mouth-watering? _"good."

"And you, Bella – you look…" Jake paused for a moment while sizing me up, "like a drowned rat."

Rather than be insulted, I actually found that I was amused. "What? You don't like it? I thought guys liked the wet look."

"Well, speaking for myself, I know I prefer my girls to be wet," Quil told me with a mischievous gleam in his eye.

Embry punched Quil in the arm and blushed. "Geez, Quil. I'm sorry about him, honestly."

I laughed. "It's okay. Really. I can appreciate a man with a wicked sense of humor."

Quil grinned back. He had definite potential. Embry? Well, I thought that Embry was a bit too shy for me…too much work…especially with easier prey to be had. Jacob was a difficult case. On one hand, I'd known him most of my life. But in reality, I actually had no idea who he was as a person. Did I really want to toy with a friend of the family though? Things could get messy. Still, I knew that Jacob had had a serious crush on me for forever. He'd been trailing after me like a puppy for years. He would be an easy target. I decided not to discount him yet.

There wasn't anything I could do with either Quil or Jacob now, of course. I couldn't very well make out with one of them here in full view of the others, not to mention my father and Billy. I also couldn't take any of them for a convenient walk in the woods. Dad and Billy might appear to be completely engrossed in fishing, but I knew better than to think for one moment they wouldn't notice if one of the guys disappeared with me. The thought of their reaction to that made me shudder. Yeah, definitely to be avoided at all costs. I _could_, however, lay some groundwork for a future hook-up.

So I laughed and teased and flirted with my boys for the entire time we were there. I realized as Dad and Billy started to pack up their gear in preparation to leave, that I'd been doing my own brand of fishing all afternoon. Now all that was left was to see if any of the fish took my bait. I wasn't going to leave until I knew if I had a nibble, at least from one of them.

"Hey guys, some of my friends and I are getting together Friday night. We're not going to do anything major, just hang out. Would any of you like to come?"

"I can't Bella, sorry. My girlfriend and I already have plans," Embry told me.

A girlfriend. See, I knew that Embry was a waste of my time. I looked to my right and then my left at the two remaining boys. "Quil? Jacob? You guys in?"

"Sounds good, Bella. I'd love to come," Quil told me with a sexy smirk and just the barest hint of innuendo. Most girls would probably not have picked up on it. Or disregarded it as just a figment of their imaginations. But then, I was not most girls.

Oh yes, this one was a dirty, dirty boy. I could tell. The old Bella would have run screaming in the opposite direction. The new Bella was intrigued. Still, I wasn't prepared to narrow my options just yet.

I looked over to Jacob. He was glaring malevolently at Quil. "Jake?"

"I'll be there, Bells. Definitely."

I gave both boys my brightest smile as I told them exactly where to meet me on Friday. I also programmed my number into both of their cell phones – you know, just in case they got lost or something.

_Yeah, or something…_

I then gave Embry an innocent hug reminiscent of a big sister embracing her little brother, followed by hugs for both Quil and Jacob that were anything but sisterly and far from innocent. As I followed my father into the forest I chanced a glance back at my boys. Both Quil and Jacob were staring at my ass. I chuckled to myself.

_Mmmmm… I can't wait to be alone with my boys on Friday. Just me and Quil and Jacob._

_And Emmett. And Jasper. And Edward._

_Fuuuucccckkkk! I didn't exactly think this one through._

_Ya think?_

~*~

I never mentioned to the gang that I had invited Jacob and Quil to join us in the clearing tonight. I didn't want to tip off Jasper. There was always a chance that neither of the boys would actually show up. There was no reason to have Jasper freaking out and spilling everything to the rest of my friends when I didn't even know for sure that they'd be there, right?

Jasper had continued keeping his silence, although I could tell that his patience was wearing thin. He'd been extremely upset that Laurent and I had disappeared from the Valentine's dance the way we did. Still, just as I'd hoped, the fact that it was an actual date kept that small sliver of doubt alive inside of Jasper. He wouldn't say anything until he was sure.

Of course, after the Laurent incident, I knew that Jasper was keeping a closer eye on me than ever. That was why I hadn't even attempted another rendezvous of any kind since then. I hadn't wanted to push Jasper too far. But it had been two whole months without a release from the pain, and I was finding it harder and harder to hold on to my numbness. I needed this desperately.

I knew that Jasper wouldn't be happy. But again I hoped I was clouding the issue just enough to keep him off base. Jacob was an old friend that I'd invited along to hang out with everyone. And I hadn't even asked him to come alone, I'd asked his friend Quil to join us as well. I thought that those two considerations would fan the ember of doubt in Jasper just enough to keep me safe. The image brought back something that Jasper had said to me a few months before. Playing with fire, indeed. I just hoped that tonight wasn't the night that I'd get burned.

I'd been running through all this in my head as I rode with Jasper and Alice to the clearing. I hadn't been paying attention, so I was surprised when the car came to a stop. I glanced up to see that Emmett's Jeep and Edward's Volvo were already parked ahead of us. I got out of the car and walked a few steps behind Jasper and Alice towards the clearing. I knew that Quil and Jacob wouldn't be there waiting for me. I hadn't wanted to take the chance of them getting there before me, so I'd told them to meet us an hour after everyone else was supposed to be there. The last thing I wanted was any of my friends alone with Quil and Jacob before I arrived to act as a buffer and throw my friends off the scent. The thought of Emmett, or Edward, or even Rosalie for that matter, having a chance to interrogate my boys before I got there was truly horrifying. I was lost in these thoughts, looking at the ground under my feet as we approached our friends.

"Hey, guys. It's about time you got here. We've been waiting for you," I heard Emmett say.

"Sorry, Em. You know Alice. She'll be late to her own funeral," Jasper laughed.

I flinched. I hated that particular saying.

"So, Edward, who's your friend?" Alice asked.

My head immediately snapped up, and I saw that there was a girl sitting next to Edward on the log that he and I usually occupied. She was taking my place.

She reminded me a little of Alice because she was tiny, her bone structure very delicate. Her hair was auburn and fell in naturally curly ringlets around her face. Her large eyes were also green, although hers were a shade paler than Edward's – a light jade instead of emerald. Her skin had the ivory, translucent glow that was common to natural redheads and was unmarred except for the few tiny freckles scattered across her nose. Instead of detracting from her beauty however, the freckles did nothing but give her an aura of innocence and charm that made her all the more breathtaking.

"Oh, this is Maggie. She takes piano lessons with the same private instructor I do. We got teamed up to play a duet at our next recital, so we've finally had a chance to get to know each other a little better. She's an extremely talented girl. She certainly keeps me on my toes," Edward said, playfully bumping his shoulder into hers and then smiling down at the girl beside him. She returned his smile shyly.

_Okay, anyone but me feel the urge to hurl at the moment?_

_No, I'm sure it's just you. Jealous? You didn't want him, remember?_

_If you'll recall, it was never a question of me not wanting Edward. It was that I can't have him. There's a huge difference._

I managed to swallow down the huge lump in my throat and nodded in Maggie's direction as Edward made introductions. I couldn't continue looking at them sitting there together though, so I kept my eyes trained on the fire glowing in the middle of our circle as I sat alone on the log farthest from the new couple.

_This is what you wanted, you know. For Edward to get over you. For him to move on._

_Haven't you ever heard of "Careful what you wish for?"_

_Yes. I know it's hard seeing him with someone else. But it's better this way. Safer for him. You won't be able to destroy him now. Safer for you. Your heart will be protected…he won't be able to get close enough to hurt you._

_If that's true, then why does it feel like I've been kicked in the chest, seeing him with her?_

My usually dependable internal monologue answered back with nothing but a deafening silence.

Emmett passed out a round of beers to everyone but Maggie. She graciously turned down Emmett's offer, but there was an odd look on her face when she did so. I wondered briefly what her deal was, but then decided that I really just didn't care. I was sure that the less I thought of Maggie, the better off I'd be.

I wasn't in the mood to join in the banter tonight. So while the rest of my friends laughed and joked around, I sat staring into the flames before me. Since I wasn't wasting my time talking, I finished my beer in record time and propped the empty bottle against my shoe.

"Bella, you coming?" Emmett's voice suddenly broke through my distraction.

"Hmm… I'm sorry, Emmett. What were you saying? I wasn't listening."

"Boy, what's with you tonight, Swan? You're a complete space cadet. We're all going for a little walk – to get the circulation going again. Do you wanna come?"

I looked around and noticed everyone standing. When my eyes fell on Maggie standing next to Edward, I knew there was no way I was going to toddle along after them and watch them hold hands. Just thinking of it triggered my gag reflex.

"Umm… No thanks. I'll be fine here," I answered.

"Are you sure, Bella? I hate to leave you here alone," Emmett said in a concerned tone.

"Ugh! Quit acting like my mother, Emmett, and take a hike!"

He chuckled at me. "Take a hike, huh? Do you mean that in a literal or figurative sense, Swan?"

"Works both ways, McCarty. Take your pick. Now, just go."

I cast a small smile in his direction. He grinned back at me and nodded. "'Kay. We won't be long. Try not to get into any trouble while we're gone."

I pointedly looked around at the empty clearing and the quiet forest surrounding it. "Well, I know it will be a challenge, but I'll do my best, Emmett." I said in a snide tone.

He had the nerve to laugh in the face of my devastating sarcasm. "Don't even try that shitty tone with me, squirt. We both know that staying out of trouble is always a challenge for you!"

I didn't even bother coming up with another come back and instead just shooed him away with my hands. Still chortling like a fool, he grabbed Rosalie by the hand and followed the rest of the group to a trail leading away from the clearing.

Once I was certain they were gone, I stood up and walked over to where Emmett and Rosalie had been sitting. I bent over and dug into the cooler at my feet. I grabbed a beer and the bottle opener that Emmett had left lying beside the cooler, popped off the lid, and took a long swallow. If ever a night called for me to break my one beer rule, this was it.

I didn't consult my watch, so I couldn't be sure, but I suspected that I finished the beer in a new personal best time of five minutes...maybe less. I was just reaching for yet another bottle when I heard a voice behind me.

"Well, well. Look who's been left here all on her own. What's up, Little Red Riding Hood? Off to Grandma's are we?"

I turned around and saw Jacob walk out of the trees. I looked down at the red hoodie I was wearing and snorted. "Little Red Riding Hood? Geez, Jake. Corny much? Does that make you the Big Bad Wolf then?"

Jacob waggled his eyebrows at me. "Of course. And there's no one here to save you, I'm afraid."

"Yeah, I noticed. Where's your cohort?" I asked, seeing no sign of Quil.

"Oh, Quil got into a fight at school, so he's on lockdown by parental decree. I had my friend Sam drop me off. Is…is it okay with you, Bella? That I came alone?" He looked at me with a worried expression.

He was just so stinking cute looking at me like that. And maybe the two beers I'd had in rapid succession were affecting my judgment just the tiniest bit. Suddenly I couldn't remember any of the good reasons I'd had for not toying with Jacob.

"Yes, Jake. It's more than okay. Here," I said, patting the space next to me. When he sat down beside me I held out the still unopened bottle in my hand. "Beer?"

He smiled. "Sure. It looks like you've already had a couple. I need to catch up."

"That's a good idea, Jake," I said, pulling out another beer and popping the top before handing him the bottle opener.

"Umm… Bella? How am I supposed to catch up if you keep knocking those babies back?"

"Pssh. Elementary, my dear Jacob. Drink faster than me. You'll catch up eventually."

His smile widened. "Yeah, that's brilliant, Bells. I don't know why I didn't think of that."

We drank in silence for a couple of minutes. It was actually nice…a comfortable rather than an awkward silence. Maybe it was just the extremely strong buzz I had going on at that point, but I was enjoying his company, being with Jake like this was easy. Was it possible that I'd been missing out on a pretty damn good thing all these years I'd been ignoring him?

"So, you know that fairytale you were referencing earlier?"

Jacob smirked at me.

"What?" I asked him.

"Nothing. I just get a kick out of the fact that you're not too drunk to use words like referencing but you're blitzed enough to be slurring the hell out of them. It's adorable actually."

"Shuddup."

He laughed. "Okay. So, Little Red Riding Hood, right? What about it?"

"Did you know that story is really about pedophilia?"

"Bella, do you have the slightest clue what you're talking about right now?"

"Of course, I do. Think about it, Jake. You have a little girl alone in the woods, stopped by a stranger, who she talks to – like an idiot – and badness ensues. It's the original lesson on stranger danger. It's obvious. Plus there's the whole wolf thing."

Jacob just looked at me like I was nuts. "What whole wolf thing?"

"Well, a wolf is a classic symbol for a sexually predatory man. Remember all those Looney Tunes cartoons we used to watch as kids that had characters turning into wolves when a pretty girl walked by? And there's a reason it's called a wolf whistle, you know."

"This is absolutely the strangest conversation I've ever had with someone who was trashed. You're one of a kind, Bella Swan. I promise you though, when I called you Little Red Riding Hood, I had no intention of molesting you."

"You didn't?" I stuck out my bottom lip and pouted at him.

His eyes were drawn to my mouth. Unconsciously, he licked his own lips. "You're testing my good intentions with that pout though, Bells. I am only human after all." He began slowly leaning toward me as he spoke.

I closed the distance between us even further until I could feel his breath on my lips with every exhalation. "No, you're not human, Jake. You're the Big Bad Wolf, remember? I think that gives you permission to be exactly as bad as you want to be...it's all right there in the title."

"Well, when you put it that way, I guess I do have a reputation to live up to," he said a moment before his lips met mine. He quickly pulled my bottom lip into his mouth and began to lightly suck on it. Evidently he _really _must have liked my pout.

The alcohol in my system made me feel deliciously floaty. And my brain was nowhere near functional. I just lost myself in kissing Jake for I wasn't sure how long. I was aware that we'd been kissing for awhile without there being any more progress made though, and I was starting to feel a little frustrated by that fact. So, I took Jacob's hand and placed it on my breast over my clothes. We both moaned loudly at the contact.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Emmett's voice sounded nearby.

"Shit!" I pushed Jacob away from me and looked over to see Emmett, Jasper, and Edward glaring daggers at the boy beside me. The girls were clustered together behind the guys, barely visible through the solid line of pissed off maleness standing before me.

"Who the hell is this, Bella? Are you making out with random wayward hikers now?" Emmett demanded.

"No, Emmett. S'okay. This's Jake. He's s'a friend."

"My God, Bella! Are you drunk? We've been gone for less than an hour and come back to find you inebriated and playing tonsil hockey with some guy?" Jasper asked incredulously.

Emmett strode over to Jacob and got in his face. "I don't know who you are, Junior. But this girl is one of my best friends. I don't take kindly to some lowlife plying her with booze and taking advantage of her."

To his credit, Jacob didn't back down. I could see Emmett's hands clench into fists and knew I had to do something before things really got out of hand.

A shot of adrenaline helped to cut through my alcohol haze. I pushed myself between them and placed one hand on each of their chests.

"Just calm down, Emmett! That's not what happened at all! Jacob is an old friend. I saw him when I went fishing with my dad the other day. I invited him here tonight. I was drinking before he ever even got here.

"I just wanted…" I could feel myself starting to lose it, but I couldn't stop it.

"I just wanted… Damn it!"

I felt like I had to get out, but there was nowhere to go. If I even tried to walk away, one of them would stop me.

My chest started to feel tight. I couldn't breathe. I started trying to pull air into my lungs but it wasn't enough. I started to panic.

Finally a scream of frustration and fear worked its way out of my throat, and that was the release I needed to let me get out what I felt compelled to say.

"I was just trying to feel good. I just wanted something other than the constant misery. Why is that such a fucking crime? Why can't I just feel good? Just for a little while. Why is that so awful?"

I could feel the tears on my cheeks and I swiped at them angrily.

"I can't stand this anymore! I can't take feeling like this anymore! I don't want to live this way!

"Why can't I pretend?" I looked at Emmett and accused him, "Why won't you let me pretend?"

"Bella." Emmett opened his arms and came closer to hug me, but I couldn't allow that. I couldn't let him near me. I just couldn't take it.

"Don't! Emmett, just don't touch me! I can't handle it if you touch me. You can't touch me. Just don't."

Emmett looked at me like I'd just stabbed him through the heart. That was the last straw. I walked over to the nearest log, sat down, buried my face in my hands and sobbed.

"Oh God! I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to do this. How do I do this? How do I get through this? Obviously I'm wrong. I'm doing this all wrong. Why can't I get anything right? Why?"

I felt someone come over and sit next to me. I didn't look up to see who it was. I heard his voice murmur softly by my ear. "Bella, I won't touch you, I promise. Just know that I'm here. When you need me, I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere."

I turned my body into his and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Oh, Edward. How did my life become such a fucking mess? It's all my fault. I did this. I'm such a fucking failure."

He knew that since I'd touched him first that it was alright for him to hold me now. His arms around me felt so comforting.

I just wanted to surrender. I wanted it more than anything.

"Shh, Bella. It's okay."

I stiffened in Edward's arms.

My words stopped. My tears stopped. My world stopped.

With those words, Edward had brought me right back to the day of Mike's funeral. I was right back in that moment when he'd made me fall apart and I'd despised him for it.

My arms fell away from him. And I felt nothing. I was empty once again.

"Bella?" Edward pulled back to look at me.

I just looked at him, my eyes unfocused…in reality looking through him and not at him. "Yes, Edward?" I asked. My voice was as empty as I was.

"Honey, are you okay?" I could hear the concern in his voice; see the growing alarm in his eyes.

"Of course," I said in that familiar hollow tone. "I'm fine."

* * *

**On a Lonesome Road has made it to the final round of voting in the Indie Twific Awards in two categories, Best Action or Drama Story and Best Secondary Characterization! Final round voting is now open! Please go familiarize yourselves with all the nominees and don't forget to vote!**

**www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com**

Did I give you guys false hope there for a minute? Sorry about that. Bella still has a long journey before her.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and review! I've been kind of fail on review replying lately, but I do read and value each one! And thanks to Delta, Nina, Gemma and Ravyn for being my guinea pigs. ;)

If you'd like to discuss anything about OaLR, you can always find me in my Twilighted thread.

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308

A teaser for chapter 19 will be posted in my Twilighted thread on Friday, March 19th.

Chapter 19 will be posted next Tuesday, March, 23rd.


	19. Playing with Fire and Getting Burned

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Please see the A/Ns at the bottom for an important announcement!**

Chapter 19 – Playing with Fire and Getting Burned

I'd thought my friends were bad before my little nervous breakdown in the clearing. Boy, had I been wrong. I had had it easy compared to what I had to deal with these days. Before, they had been babysitters. Now, they were practically jailers.

One of them always drove me to and from school – no exceptions. If I tried my old "I need to use the library" trick, whoever my watchdog du jour was would wait around until I was ready to go. And not only that, but he or she would sit across the table from me and stare at me unblinkingly while I tried to study. Sometimes there were two or three of them watching me, making sure they covered every angle. Rosalie and Alice would even follow me into the bathroom if I said I had to go. Emmett, Jasper, and Edward hadn't taken things quite that far yet…they would just wait in the hallway for me to come out. Talk about embarrassing!

It was as if they were afraid that if they let me out of their sight for an instant I would do something reckless and stupid. Hmm, I wondered what had given them that idea.

There were only two times when they left me alone – when I was in a class that I didn't share with any of them, and when I was at home. The first because they had no choice in the matter. The second because they thought it was safe.

These were certainly difficult parameters for me to work with…but not impossible. For who should just so happen to sit in front of me in Advanced Algebra? That's right. The one and only James Gardner.

From the beginning of the school year, James had made a point of engaging me in conversation every chance he got. Admittedly that wasn't much, usually just the five minutes or so we had before class started and maybe a minute of small talk at the end as we packed up to leave. Still, it was now May, and we'd stored up almost an entire school year's worth of conversations.

True, in the beginning I had been practically catatonic and didn't respond much when he talked to me. And then for awhile after I was capable of having conversations again, I had been suspicious of him and what his motives might be. He hadn't left me with a very good impression based on our prior meetings, and I remembered Emmett's warnings about him too. But now I didn't care what his motivations were. If he were planning to use me, that was fine. I was planning to use him right back.

I knew that I shouldn't be doing this anymore. After what had happened with Jacob and my ensuing meltdown in front of all of my friends, one would think that I'd hit bottom. And I'll admit the scene in the clearing last month had been bad. But it wasn't bad enough to keep me from craving a release from the pain. I was addicted to it. And I was going to do whatever was necessary to obtain it – even if that meant seducing James Gardner.

Honestly though, I didn't think there'd be much need for seduction on my part. James was going to be easy. I'd had him practically panting after me for months. I just hadn't ever been desperate enough to actually go there before. Well, I was there now. I had to make this happen. Soon. And James was playing right into my hands.

"Hey, Bella," he said to me one Monday afternoon after class. "We have finals coming up next week. Would you like to get together to study?"

I raised one eyebrow at him and smirked knowingly – my expression stating clearly that I recognized he was completely full of shit. "You want to _study _with me?"

_Is that what we're going to call it? Alright, James. If you want to play, I'm game._

"Sure. Would you like to meet in the library after school?" I almost laughed out loud at the sour expression that appeared on his face.

_Oh, he did not like that at all! Let's see what he can come up with._

"Not the library. There are too many people. It's noisy. I think we should go somewhere a little quieter."

"James, have you ever been to the library after school. It's completely dead. I swear I've seen tumbleweeds roll by on occasion."

There was absolutely no way I was going to make this easy for him. If he wanted me, he needed to understand that I had all the power. I would be the one in control.

"I still don't think it's right for what I have in mind," he said, his eyes locking on mine and giving me a sexy smirk of his own. "Hey, why don't we go to your house? Your parents work, right? I could give you a ride after school."

_Not very subtle as propositions go. Nice use of the double entendre, but overall it lacked originality. I'd give it a 7.5._

My desire to laugh increased. My lips twitched infinitesimally, but I got a handle on myself before even a chuckle could escape.

"Well, Emmett was supposed to give me a ride home after school today. I'm sure if I tell him that you want to take me home instead…you know, so we can study in privacy…that he'll be fine with that."

He looked slightly panicked. This really was too much fun. "Umm. There's no need to change your plans. Why don't you go ahead and ride home with Emmett, and I could come over a little later. You could text me after Emmett's gone and you're ready to study."

"Okay, great. I'll let you know when I want you, James." I gave him a significant glance over my shoulder as I turned to walk away. I wanted to make sure we both understood exactly who was holding all the cards.

~*~

"Hey. Wow, you got here fast," I said as I stood aside to let James into my house. Emmett had dropped me off barely 10 minutes ago, and I'd texted James as soon as Emmett's car cleared my driveway.

He removed his shoes and sat them neatly next to the several other pairs piled by the door. I guess it was obvious that my mother didn't allow shoes to be worn in the house. "Yeah, well, I stayed in the neighborhood. I wanted to make sure we had plenty of time to study before your parents get home. What time will that be?"

"Oh, Dad never gets home before six o'clock. My mom usually gets home between five and five-thirty. She always stays after school to get some prep work done for the next day's classes. There's more to teaching kindergarten than just finger-painting with the kids…or so she tells me. Anyway that gives us a couple of hours."

James looked around. "So, do I get the tour?"

"Sure. There's not much to see, really. There's just the kitchen and living room down here. Oh and the laundry room, but that's not very exciting."

"What's up there?" he asked, pointing upstairs.

"Come on, I'll show you." I took his hand in mine and led him up the stairs. I expected him to break the contact when we got to the second floor, but he surprised me by keeping my hand in his.

"Uh, that's my mom and dad's room," I said, waving at the closed door. "They'd probably kill me if I actually showed it to you. It's a bit of a mess right now. Mom's been rearranging their closet. There are clothes all over the place. And that is the bathroom." I nodded in the direction of the door standing partially open.

"One bathroom? Between you and your mom does your dad ever get a chance in there?" he chuckled.

"Eh, it's not too bad. Mom and I are fairly low-maintenance. Neither of us take hours in the bathroom to get ready."

James and I stopped before the last door in the hallway. This was the real reason we were here. I paused with my hand on the doorknob for just a moment, took a deep breath, and opened the door slowly.

"So, this is my room."

I just stood there in the hallway, suddenly unsure. It was James who tugged on my hand and pulled me into the room. He was the one who purposefully shut the door behind us. And he was the one who brought me the half dozen steps forward to the bed and drew me down to sit beside him on its edge.

"It's time to admit what we're doing here, don't you think?" he asked, leaning into me.

"I'm not the one who was pretending," I told him, looking into his dark eyes.

"Weren't you?" His mouth was just a hairsbreadth from mine.

"What about your girlfriend? Victoria?"

"We're currently 'off again,' but it really wouldn't matter if that wasn't the case, would it?"

"James, I..." But whatever I had been about to say was cut off when his lips touched mine.

Damn, the boy could kiss! When his hand went to the back of my neck to pull me closer as he deepened the kiss, I felt whatever trepidation I'd had rapidly melt away to nothingness. And when his tongue pushed into my mouth and gently massaged mine, I could feel my toes begin to curl.

James was in no rush. His kisses built slowly, one upon the other, breaking down my defenses completely. All I knew was that I loved how kissing him made me feel, and that I didn't want it to end.

His fingers left the nape of my neck and skimmed slowly down the side of my throat, leaving delicious shivers in their wake. I hummed in contentment.

He reached for the buttons at the front of my shirt and took his time pushing each button through its hole with agonizing precision. His fingers softly brushed against the skin he'd just revealed before making their way down to the next button in line. His measured pace was gradually driving me crazy! If I hadn't been so drugged by his kiss, I might have pulled my lips from his and demanded he hurry. As it was though, I had no desire to release my mouth from his.

Once he finally had my shirt completely opened, he slid his hands under the fabric, across my shoulders and down my arms. The shirt slipped away from my body and into his hands. He didn't hold on to his newly acquired possession for long though, dropping it unceremoniously to the floor instead.

Finally he broke our kiss, but his lips continued to tease against mine as he spoke. "Bella, lie back on the bed for me." It wasn't a request. It was a command.

I felt a slight twinge of uneasiness, but I quickly dismissed it. This was what I'd wanted, right?

James stood as I maneuvered myself into the middle of the bed and lay my head down on one of my pillows. Reaching behind him, he grabbed the back of his t-shirt and pulled it off over his head. He just looked down on me for a moment, his eyes sweeping along my body laid out before him. I felt the heat of a blush starting and cursed myself for it. I only felt myself grow more embarrassed as I saw his eyes following the progress of my blush from my cheeks, to my throat, and across my chest.

He chuckled as my eyes closed in mortification. "Don't worry, Bella," he said. "I like the blush. You look so damn innocent like that. Seeing you that way…God, it's hot." He stretched himself out on the bed beside me and took my mouth with his.

I again lost myself in his kisses. James steadily built the heat back up between us. There was no denying that he was good at this. He knew exactly what he was doing. Building the anticipation was only making me want more from him, and I wanted it now! When I finally felt his hand cup my breast and tease my nipple through my bra, my back arched off the bed as if a thousand volts of electricity had just coursed through my body. He took advantage and brought a hand behind me to unclasp my bra. I groaned into his mouth as I felt him brush the backs of his fingers over my nipple. He captured the hardened peak between two of his knuckles and tugged gently. I gasped and could feel wetness pooling between my thighs.

James pulled my bra away from my body and tossed it carelessly aside. Then he brought his hot mouth to my breast and teased my nipple with long, slow strokes of his tongue. As he sucked that nipple into his mouth, he rolled the other one between his thumb and forefinger. And then, I felt his teeth lightly graze my nipple while he tugged with his fingers on the other one at the same time. I honestly thought I was going insane!

I vaguely noted when his hand moved to the button of my jeans, but I didn't care. No, that wasn't true. I did care. I _wanted_ his hand there. I felt him pop the button and slide the zipper down, and all I could feel was an overwhelming need for what came next. His hand slid inside my panties and tenderly stroked my heated, swollen folds.

"Mmmm. You're so wet for me, Bella. You like this, don't you?"

He looked into my eyes, waiting for me to answer. All I could manage was a whimper and a weak nod, but that was all he seemed to require. He smiled as he slipped one finger inside me and I moaned and arched into his touch.

My whole world was winnowed down to the feeling of his finger inside me as he slowly started to move it in and out of me. I felt his mouth return to my breast and I brought my hands into his hair, holding him against me. I was completely consumed by what James was doing to my body, until…

Until James' hand slipped out of my panties and started to tug at the waistband of my jeans.

_Whoa, whoa, whoa! This isn't right! I'm the one who's supposed to be doing the seducing here!_

I felt a sinking in the pit of my stomach as I realized that I hadn't been in control of the situation from the moment I opened my bedroom door. It wasn't that I'd conceded the power to James. He'd simply taken it. And I had been so wrapped up in how good everything felt, that I hadn't even really noticed until now. Well, it was past time for me to reestablish command.

I grabbed his wrist, my fingers trying to encircle it but my hand being much too small. "James, no," I said firmly.

He didn't stop. His thumb hooked into the side of my panties and he tried to bring them down along with my jeans.

"Come on, Bella. I know you want this. Why else would you let me into your bedroom when nobody is going to be home for hours?"

"James, I mean it! I'm not ready to go any further."

"Don't even try that one on me, sweetheart. I felt just how ready you are for this, remember? You were practically begging for it a minute ago."

That gave me pause. Had I led him on? Did he have a right to expect more?

_NO!_

In the moment that I'd been questioning myself, James had managed to push my clothing down a couple of inches toward the swell of my hips. He was struggling because I wasn't helping him at all. I didn't intend to either. In fact, I was about to make his life a lot more difficult.

"I said no, James! We're not doing this! It's not going to happen." My nails bit into his wrist, trying to make him stop.

He laughed, but the sound was not mirthful. Instead, there was something absolutely chilling about it. I froze, fearing what dark thoughts could have twisted something that should sound joyful into something frightening and maniacal.

"What if I did it anyway?" he asked, a note of challenge and a sick anticipation in his tone.

The words were out there. He'd actually said them. He'd made his intentions known. He was determined to go through with this whether I was willing or not.

I felt icy panic grip me. I didn't know what I could do to stop him. There was no way I was a match for him physically. He would easily overpower me if I tried to struggle.

So, fighting him bodily was out. Would fighting him with my mind do any good? At least I knew that intellectually I had the upper hand. I couldn't see how talking was going to help me out of this one. But it was all I had left.

I took a deep breath and willed my voice to be calm. "Well, James, if you go through with this, if you do it anyway, then it would be rape."

I flinched at the sound of the word echoing in the room around me. But it had no effect on the boy above me. He hadn't even blinked. My feeling of unease increased. Had he done this before? Had he gotten away with it? Had other girls been too ashamed or terrified to report him? I used my suspicions and refocused my attack.

"I'm not some scared little girl who will keep my mouth shut. You may have been able to frighten or intimidate others before, but I'm not going to let you get away with this."

"You wanted this. I'm just finishing what you started."

"I said no! I have that right. The second I said no, what happened between us was no longer consensual. My father is the Chief of Police, James. Believe me, I know the law. And my dad will be the first person I tell if you go through with this."

Suddenly, James made a disgusted sound deep in his throat and pushed himself away from me. He found his t-shirt on the floor and pulled it back on. I scrambled up to stand on the opposite side of the bed, keeping the large piece of furniture between us.

"Don't worry," he sneered at me. "I wouldn't touch you now if you got down on your knees and begged me for it. I'll bet you're good on your knees though, huh Bella? Still, I don't appreciate a fucking cocktease, no matter how good her lips feel wrapped around my dick."

I was stunned. I couldn't say anything. Luckily, he didn't feel the need to humiliate me any further. He left me then. I heard him run down the stairs and moments later heard my front door slam shut.

Grabbing my shirt off the floor, I yanked it on and mechanically fastened the two buttons covering my breasts. Then I lay down on my bed, curled into a ball, and silently cried.

~*~

I'd lied. I had told James that I wouldn't keep my mouth shut about what he'd almost done to me. But I had no intention of ever telling anyone what had happened.

I rationalized that there was nothing to tell. He had stopped. So, there was no reason for me to say anything, right?

The truth was though, that I was ashamed to tell. I felt like I was to blame, at least up to a point. I knew that if James had…raped…me – God, that word was hard to say even in my own mind – that it wouldn't have been my fault and the guilt would have rested solely on him. But I had ignored Emmett's warnings. I had ignored my own gut feelings about James. I had ignored everything that Jasper had told me. I had continued to play with fire even though I knew how dangerous it could be, and I had finally gotten burned. How could I not feel some responsibility for that?

So, two weeks had passed since that day with James. And I hadn't breathed a word of it, not even to my closest friends.

_Especially not to my closest friends._

I pushed those thoughts once again to the back of my mind. They would have to stay buried if I was going to make it through the night. I was determined to put on a happy face tonight…or at least determined to try to. This was a rite of passage for Emmett and Jasper. They would be graduating tomorrow. And the Seniors of Forks High always had a graduation bonfire the night before the big day.

This was an annual tradition in Forks. And the Senior class always went way overboard preparing for it. This wasn't some wimpy, little overgrown campfire we're talking about. Set up in the seldom used parking lot along the side of the school and built well away from the building to be safe, was an absolutely gigantic, mountainous pile of logs and kindling. I had seen Emmett standing beside it at one point, and it even towered over him. You knew something was humongous when it made Emmett look tiny in comparison. The Seniors had been adding to the woodpile for weeks getting ready for this night. Of course, this being Washington, there were plenty of trees and loose branches to be found. But the Seniors didn't end there. Over the weeks that the woodpile grew, anything made of wood was sacrificed for this important ritual…wooden steps, wooden signs, bits of fences, all was fair game. The bonfire was the last hurrah, an excuse to get together one last time and be loud, obnoxious, and even a little rowdy. And it was such a time honored tradition in Forks, that the police and the townspeople turned a mostly blind eye to the minor acts of theft and vandalism.

As soon as the sun had completely set and darkness had fallen, the bonfire was carefully lit. It didn't take long for the flames to catch and spread. Everyone stayed a safe distance away, but the crowd was thick all around the bonfire. Not only was every Senior at Forks High here tonight, but every other member of the student body was as well. The atmosphere was raucous and jubilant – the school year was at an end! Although the band wasn't officially playing tonight, several of us had brought our instruments with us, and we were standing in a loose grouping together. We would be playing some of the songs that we played at football and basketball games to help keep the crowd fired up, and of course we expected to play the school's fight song several times throughout the night.

I was doing my best to tramp down unreasonable feelings of foreboding. I was sure they were just brought on by my surroundings. Everything about the bonfire made me uncomfortable! It was loud, it was hot, it was crowded, and I hated every single second of it, but I would suck it up for my guys. Of course, at the moment, I had no idea where in the hell my guys were!

"Where's Emmett? And Jasper? And Edward? I haven't seen them all night. I can't believe they're missing this!" I had to shout at Rosalie and Alice even though I was standing right next to them. The noise around us was deafening.

"Oh, they're around here. Somewhere," Rosalie assured me.

But I noticed she didn't look at me when she spoke. A glance at my cousin showed me that she wouldn't meet my eyes either. Something was going on – something that they knew about and they were keeping from me. I was getting ready to demand an explanation, when a sudden hush fell over the crowd.

After the incessant roar that had enveloped us just moments before, I found the sudden silence to be disorienting. I couldn't imagine what could have captivated this crowd so completely and without warning.

I stood on tiptoe trying to see over the people in front of me. It was no use. I wasn't as short as Alice, but I definitely wasn't tall enough to make out what was going on.

Then abruptly the crowd began to part. It split down the middle, leaving a narrow aisle between the two halves, leading from the parking lot up to the bonfire itself. I still didn't see the cause right away, but with fewer people in front of me now, I soon saw it for myself.

There were six boys walking down the newly formed aisle. They were lined up two by two, carrying something between them. As they got closer, I recognized them immediately. Emmett and Edward were in the lead, Eric and Ben were behind them, and bringing up the rear were Jasper and… Jacob? What on earth was he doing here? The object they were carrying appeared to be rectangular, roughly six or seven feet long, and seemed to be made of wood. A box of some kind? But it wasn't very deep, only a couple of feet. As they moved closer to where I stood, it suddenly came to me what it was they were carrying.

_Oh. My. God. It's a coffin!_

It was obviously homemade and a little crudely constructed, but the long, thin, wooden box was clearly meant to represent a coffin. And my guys were apparently acting as pallbearers. My mind rejected the macabre sight. I couldn't catch my breath.

_Holy fucking shit! What are they doing?_

As my guys approached the bonfire and light shone on the grisly object they carried, I began to make out the writing and pictures that covered it. In large, bold letters across the lid were the words "DEATH TO FORKS FOOTBALL." Underneath the words, there was a football helmet encircled with a line drawn through it. Along the sides there were other words and pictures, but what stood out to me were four subtly included names worked in amongst the rest. Gardner. Sebastian. Monroe. Lawson.

I felt the blood drain from my face as I watched the six of them throw the coffin into the already blazing bonfire. The flames surged around the sacrificial offering and quickly engulfed it.

For a moment, there was nothing but stunned silence. To most of those gathered, it would appear that a group of Bandsies had just demonstrated their dissatisfaction with the football Jocks by symbolically burning them in effigy. But I knew better. This wasn't just about the ancient grudge between the Bandsies and the Jocks. No, this was personal. Somehow, this was about me. I felt the truth of it all the way down to my bones.

And that's when all hell broke loose. James, Demetri, Laurent, Felix, and a couple of their other teammates pushed their way through the crowd and started screaming at my guys. Emmett went nose to nose with James, who pushed Emmett to get him to back up. Wrong move. Emmett shoved back, and James pulled his fist back to take a swing at him. Felix grabbed James from behind before he could actually throw the punch though, and was talking furiously into James' ear.

That's when I realized we were on school property. If things escalated to a fight here, then Jasper, Emmett, and James wouldn't be graduating tomorrow, and the rest of the guys would be starting off the next school year on suspension.

And then I heard James shout, "You'd better be there in 20 minutes, McCarty. That goes for all of you." He pointed at each of my guys. "You're all fucking dead men."

The football players left then, all going straight to the parking lot and peeling out in their cars. My guys were hot on their heels, but I tried to intercept them.

"What are you doing, Emmett?" I demanded. They all kept walking, and I had to keep pace with them.

"Jasper, Edward, and I are going to go teach those fuckers a little something about respect."

"Oh, you're not going to have all the fun, McCarty. I'm planning to get myself a piece of that action," Jacob chimed in. "And I have a couple of friends of mine who want in too."

Emmett looked like he might argue for a moment, but seeing the determination in Jake's eyes, he just nodded.

"Emmett, please tell me you are not about to get into a fight over me. I'm not worth it."

That stopped all of them in their tracks. I was surprised by the anger in Emmett's voice as he practically growled at me. "Cut that shit out, Bella! You are so fucking worth this! I'm not going to let anyone mistreat you and get away with it! They're going to fucking pay, I swear."

Edward faced me and put his hands on my shoulders. "Bella, you need to stay with Alice and Rosalie. Don't worry, we'll be fine. We'll come find you after this is all over, I promise." Then his lips lightly grazed my forehead before he turned away from me and continued after Emmett and Jasper.

"Emmett, don't do this. Jasper, Jake, I don't want any of you to get hurt! Edward, please! Don't fight them!" I called to their retreating backs. They never slowed down and never looked back.

Eric and Ben never said a word, but they followed behind the rest of the guys with resolve clearly etched on their faces. Seeing them made my stomach clench uncomfortably. They were so much smaller than the other guys, but they were willing to see this through…for me. What had I ever done to deserve their loyalty?

Alice and Rosalie were beside me then, and I looked at both of them in terror. My fear was reflected back at me in both their eyes. The boys we loved and the friends we cared deeply for were putting themselves in danger tonight.

And once again, it was all my fault.

~*~

Over an hour later, Rosalie finally received a text from Emmett. It said that they were all okay and asked where they could find us. Rose responded that we were at her house, and Emmett replied that they were on their way. I was thankful that he'd claimed that they were alright, but still, I wouldn't relax until I could see them for myself.

When they walked through the door a few minutes later, I gasped. Emmett had a split lip. Jasper's nose was swollen, and I could tell that it had been bleeding in the not too distant past.

_Oh, their parents are going to love the ruffian look for their graduation photos._

Edward had a bruise across one cheek. Jake proudly sported a black eye. And Quil and Embry had a couple of visible bruises each.

Seeing our concerned expressions as Alice, Rosalie, and I mentally catalogued their injuries, Emmett quipped, "You should have seen the other guys."

Yeah, Alice and Rose didn't think it was funny either.

"Where are Eric and Ben?" I asked alarmed.

"They're fine, Bella," Jasper told me. "They stood up with us, but we made sure that they didn't really have much to do. After the smoke cleared, we sent them home."

"I'm hoping you mean that in a metaphorical sense, Jasper. There wasn't actual smoke, was there? Wasn't one fire enough for tonight?"

Jasper laughed. "No, darlin'. I didn't mean that literally."

Alice wrapped her arms around Jasper's waist and hugged him tightly.

Rosalie grinned indulgently at Emmett before gently kissing the side of his mouth that wasn't bleeding.

Jake, Quil and Embry said they couldn't handle all "the mushy love stuff" and took off. Jake promised to give me a call, but I knew from his tone and expression that he didn't expect us to be any more than friends. I was glad that I hadn't fucked that up at least.

I stood before Edward and reached up to gingerly touch his bruised cheek. He sucked in a breath at my touch, and I winced. I hadn't meant to hurt him. "Are you sure you're okay, Edward."

He reached up and took my hand. He brought it away from his face, but he didn't let go. His fingers entwined with mine. "I'm fine, Bella. The bruise will be gone in just a few days."

"Umm, Bella? Can I talk to you? Outside?" Emmett asked, pulling himself away from Rosalie.

_Couldn't I do something a little less intimidating? Like maybe face a firing squad at dawn. Without a blindfold._

I sighed. "Sure, Emmett."

Edward squeezed my hand once before releasing me. And I reluctantly followed Emmett outside.

When the two of us were alone, I decided that it was better to just get this over with. "How much do you know, Emmett?" I asked.

"Most of it, I think."

"Was it Jasper?"

"Well, he filled in some of the blanks after the fact, but it was actually Felix who told me."

I was shocked. "Felix? But didn't you just beat the crap out of him along with the others?"

Emmett chuckled. "Yeah, but only at his request. He didn't want the other guys to suspect he was the mole. I took it easy on him…comparatively."

"Why would Felix come to you, Emmett? And what exactly did he tell you?" I was a little confused. How could Felix know everything?

"He was feeling guilty, Bella. He really did like you when he met you at Tyler's party. He honestly didn't mean any disrespect when he kissed you that night. But unfortunately, when you made out with him in front of everyone like that, the rest of his 'friends' smelled blood. They assumed that you were easy prey." Emmett took a deep breath. "They weren't wrong, were they, baby girl?"

There was no point in denying it now. I shook my head.

"James, Laurent, and Demetri had a bet going. Felix told them he was in too, but he never had any intentions of going through with it."

I questioned him with my eyes.

Emmett sighed. "Are you sure you want to know, Bella?"

I nodded grimly.

"The bet was to see which one of them could fuck you first. They were pretty sure you were a virgin, and they saw taking that from you as some kind of sick prize."

My eyes fell to the ground between my feet. I didn't want to ask the next question, but I had to know. "Did…did any of them collect, Emmett?"

When I was met with nothing but silence, I finally looked up at Emmett. His eyes were wide and anxious. "I didn't think any of them _could_ collect. Bella, did you let one of them…" Emmett couldn't finish the thought. He looked tortured by the idea that I'd let someone use me like that.

"No," I said quietly. "But…James…got close…a couple of weeks ago. I wondered if he'd lied about it to his friends."

Emmett let out the breath he'd unconsciously been holding. "He didn't. But I have to ask, Bella, just how close did he get?"

"You mean, you don't know?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"James admitted that he hadn't managed to close the deal with you. But he came back to the other guys claiming he'd done things to you I wish I hadn't heard about and hope to God aren't true. Please tell me that he was lying, Bella."

I didn't answer him. I started to cry instead.

Emmett embraced me in a loving bear hug. "That son of a bitch! I knew I should have killed him when I had the chance," he murmured against the top of my head.

I was tense in his arms, unwilling to let myself go. "No you shouldn't, Em. You're not my father. And I know you treat me as if I'm your little sister or something. But it's not really true. You're not actually my big brother, you know."

Emmett sighed, "Maybe not, baby girl. But I _am_ your friend."

The truth that rang in his words and the comfort they provided were finally too much for me to resist. I felt myself slowly relax in Emmett's embrace, as I gave in to the tears.

* * *

**On a Lonesome Road has made it to the final round of voting in the Indie Twific Awards in two categories, Best Action or Drama Story and Best Secondary Characterization! Final round voting is now open! Please go familiarize yourselves with all the nominees and don't forget to vote! Voting ends March 24****th****.**

**www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com**

I just want to make it clear that I'm not advocating Bella keeping her silence about James. I think it was the wrong decision, but my characters make mistakes. And I know that this is one that scores of girls and women make every day. Just know that Bella's decision does not reflect my own personal views.

Thank you to my readers and reviewers. You don't even know how much you all mean to me.

And special thank yous to Gemma, Delta, Ravyn and Nina. I love you guys!

A teaser for chapter 20 will be posted on the On a Lonesome Road thread at Twilighted on Friday, March 26th.

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308

Chapter 20 will be posted next Tuesday, March 30th.


	20. Confession is Good for the Soul

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 20 – Confession Is Good For the Soul

It was late on the Monday morning after Emmett and Jasper's graduation when my cell phone went off next to my ear. I was lying in my bed with my eyes closed, but I wasn't asleep. Well, I wasn't entirely asleep anyway. I was still in that half-waking, half-sleeping state before becoming fully conscious. I had been having a delicious dream just moments before, and I wasn't ready to let it go yet. I was hoping that if I didn't move, if I just kept my eyes closed and concentrated on the dream, maybe I could lapse back into sleep and pick up where I'd left off.

I had been in the clearing with my friends. We were gathered around the campfire, talking and laughing. Emmett and Rose were sitting side by side, holding hands, and flashing occasional smiles at one another. Alice was sitting across Jasper's lap, her lips reaching up to press a kiss against his throat as he held her close. Everyone was so happy and so in love. And I was shocked to find that I felt just as light and giddy and enamored as everyone else. There were strong arms wrapped around my waist as I stood leaning against a solid, muscled chest behind me. I felt his cheek resting lightly against my hair and reveled in his closeness. I brought my hand up behind me to caress the side of his face as I turned my head towards him, my eyes locking on the vibrant green of his, my fingers then weaving into his messy bronze locks, as I brought my lips to his. I hummed in contentment. Being with Edward like this just felt so right. There had never been any arguments or misunderstandings. There had never been resentments and hurt feelings. There had never been a Tanya. Or a Mike. Or any of the fucked up mess that had happened after. There was just Edward and me. With nothing but love between us…just as it always should have been.

It was then that I heard the music in my ear. Anything else probably would have pulled me out of the dream entirely and brought me fully awake. But it was _his_ song, the song that I'd walked in on him playing so long ago, and it never failed to bring a slight smile to my lips, even in my darkest of times. The soft strains of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" kept me more asleep than awake, still wrapped up in my dream, still wrapped up in my Edward, even as I fumbled to answer his call.

"Hello," I said my voice husky both from sleep and from the memory of his lips on mine.

"Bella?" He sounded a little unsure.

"Mmmm… Hey, sexy," I purred into the phone.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment before I heard him clearing his throat. "Did I…umm…wake you?"

"Of course not, baby. I'm awake."

He chuckled then. "Bella, you really are asleep right now, aren't you?"

I felt my brows pull together as I tried to process that. "No, I'm not."

"Do you even know who this is?" he asked me.

"Yes, Edward. I know it's you. I was just dreaming about you."

"You were? Was it a good dream?" he wanted to know.

"Oh, yeah. Your lips are so soft."

His voice sounded a little thick as he replied, "Bella, love, I need you to wake up and hop into the shower for me. It's eleven o'clock now. I'll be there in half an hour to take you to lunch. Can you do that for me?"

His words spun a lovely new fantasy through my mind, and I said the first thing that came to me. "Can't I wait until you get here, and you can hop into the shower with me?"

He groaned, and the sound of it sent a delicious shiver all through me. "You're killing me, Bella, I swear. Now stop trying to torture me and go get ready. I'll be there soon."

"Okay, Edward. I love you."

There was a smile in his voice as he answered, "I love you too, sweetheart. See ya in a few."

I ended the call and my hand flopped down to rest beside me. I let the calm waves of slumber pull me back under for a few precious moments.

Suddenly my eyes snapped open and I sat straight up in bed.

_Oh my God, please tell me that didn't really just happen!_

I looked down to the phone still clutched in my right hand and groaned. I hit Send and saw the incoming call from Edward recorded on the log. I hit Ok and found that the call had lasted exactly 1 minute and 58 seconds.

_Well, I think I'm now the world record holder for how many times one person can humiliate herself in two minutes or less._

_Wait, didn't you already hold that one?_

_Yes, but I do believe I just shattered my old record._

I groaned again and flung myself back against my pillows. I briefly considered just throwing my covers over my head and pretending not to be home when Edward showed up, but I knew he'd never let me get away with it. He would pester me with phone calls, texts, and pounding on my front door until I finally let him in. Wouldn't it be better if I met him at the door without morning breath, haystack hair, and my pajamas?

My mind made up, I threw my covers aside and hauled myself to my feet. Heading into the bathroom, I quickly brushed my teeth and took a hurried shower. I didn't have time to do much with my hair, so I dried it a little and then just threw it up into a ponytail.

Running back into my room, I grabbed the first pair of jeans I laid my hands on and pulled them on. I snatched my dark blue t-shirt off a hanger in my closet and carefully pulled it over my head, making sure not to mess up my hair, because I didn't have time to redo it. I glanced at the clock, seeing that it was now 11:25, and then I quickly looked into the mirror over my dresser. I thought I looked pretty darn good considering I'd had less than thirty minutes to get ready. Alice would have shuddered if she'd known how little time I'd had to put myself together, and she'd probably be shaking her head at my lack of fashion sense if she could see me now. But what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

I was just making my way downstairs when I heard him knock. I winced as I thought back over our earlier phone conversation.

_How exactly am I supposed to face him after that? _

_Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll just pretend the entire thing never happened. It could happen, right?_

I opened the door to reveal Edward leaning against the doorframe with his sexy-as-hell crooked smile on his lips and amusement in his eyes. I sighed.

"Good morning, sunshine," he said as he pushed past me into the house. "I see you're finally awake."

Well, avoiding it was only going to make things worse in the long run. I knew I might as well just face it head on. But that didn't mean I had to be gracious about it.

"Yeah, thanks for the wakeup call, Edward," I said sardonically. "I really appreciated it."

His smile widened. "Oh, it was no trouble at all, Bella. Would you like me to wake you up like that every morning from now on? I know it certainly brightened my day."

"Ugh! Edward, it's not very nice to taunt someone about something said in her sleep. A person can't help what she dreams about, you know. I really had no idea what I was talking about." I looked away and felt my face flush.

"Hey." His hand tipped my chin up so I would look at him. There was a softness in his eyes now and his smile had lost any hint of mockery. "I'm sorry. I was just teasing you a little. I know that you can't be held responsible for anything you said while still asleep. Believe me, I definitely wouldn't want you to know some of the things I dream about."

My curiosity got the better of me. "Hmm… Like what for instance?" I asked.

His smirk was back. "Well, I had one the other night that involved me alone in my room, naked, with a bowl full of Jell-O…and that's all I'm saying."

I stared at him stunned for a moment and then couldn't help bursting into laughter.

"What? I was hot, and I was hungry apparently. What were you thinking, you perv?"

"Suurrre, Edward. Whatever you say," I laughed.

"Alright, now that we have that out of the way, may I escort you to lunch, Miss Swan," he asked, holding out his arm to me.

"You may, Mr. Cullen," I replied, slipping my arm through his.

The ride on the way to Port Angeles was quiet for the most part. Edward wasn't saying much, concentrating on his driving instead, and I spent a lot of time staring out my window, thinking.

I was wondering what this was all about. Why did Edward decide to take me to lunch today?

And if he hadn't caught me completely off guard, if I hadn't made a complete ass of myself with my sleeptalking on the phone with him, would I have agreed to go?

I still had to be extremely careful around Edward. Although I had been the one who rejected him, I knew that my love for him had never gone away. So, I couldn't risk ever letting Edward know that I felt more than friendship for him. I simply couldn't let anyone get close enough to hurt me again.

If I let myself love Edward and then I lost him for any reason, I knew I wouldn't be able to survive it. It wasn't just the thought that he might eventually choose to leave me that had me so scared. But Edward could love me with all his heart; he could pledge me his devotion; he could promise me solemnly never to leave me; and he still might someday be ripped from me against his will. He could die. Mike did. Everyone does, sooner or later. And the thought of that left me absolutely terrified.

Was being here with him now dangerous? He couldn't be thinking that this was a date, could he? Of course not! This was lunch on a weekday. It was a totally friend thing to do.

Besides, he was dating someone else now, wasn't he? So this should be safe. But thinking about seeing him with that girl, Maggie, reminded me that I had only seen them together that one time. In fact, I didn't remember even hearing her name mentioned since then…not by Edward and not by any of our other friends. That was odd, if they were together. Maybe I should make sure, for my own piece of mind.

"So, Edward, doesn't your new girlfriend mind you taking other girls out to lunch?" I asked casually.

Edward glanced at me with an astounded expression on his face. "Excuse me, Bella. My what?"

"Your girlfriend. Maggie. I just wanted to make sure that she was okay with me being here with you. I didn't want there to be any misunderstandings. You and I are just friends, after all."

Edward's lips pressed together in a thin line and his brow furrowed. "What are you talking about, Bella? Maggie isn't my girlfriend."

Alright, now I was confused. "Did things not work out between you then?"

"Bella, Maggie is just a friend. We share an interest in music, that's all."

"Are you telling me that when you brought her to our clearing that wasn't a date?"

"No, it wasn't a date. I actually brought her with me at the request of her boyfriend."

And I'd thought I was confused before. "Okay, let me get this straight. Maggie has a boyfriend who asked you to take her out?"

"It does sound strange when you put it that way. Let me see if I can explain this a little better. About a week before you saw me with Maggie, her boyfriend, Riley, was in a really serious car accident. He was hit by a drunk driver and almost died. Maggie had been spending every free second she had in the hospital with him. I had gotten to know Riley through Maggie, so that Friday I had gone to visit him. He told me he was worried about Maggie spending all her time with him. He really wanted her to get away from the hospital for awhile and just relax. When I told him that I was planning to get together with friends that night, he asked if I wouldn't mind taking Maggie and getting her mind off things for just a bit."

"Oh."

_Not exactly the most articulate you've ever been, Bella._

_I know! Just give me a second to adjust to this new information. I had just assumed…_

_Yes, and you know what they say about when you assume._

_I do, thank you very much. There's no need for you to bother finishing that thought._

I thought back to that night, and a few things I'd noticed finally clicked into place. "Huh. That actually explains a lot," I said mostly to myself.

When I didn't continue, Edward prodded, "Such as?"

"I just remembered the look on Maggie's face when Emmett tried to hand her a beer. She looked a little freaked out about it. I didn't understand why she reacted that way at the time. Now it makes perfect sense."

"I did warn her that there would be alcohol there. She said she would be okay with that, but I saw it wasn't easy for her. It's got to be hard, almost losing someone you care about that way."

Unbidden, I felt tears well up in my eyes. I didn't trust my voice not to break, so my words came out in a whisper, "Yeah, I wouldn't know what it's like to _almost _lose someone either."

_You're such a fucking hypocrite! You don't have a right to feel this way, you know. Maggie loves Riley. You didn't love Mike! You were on the verge of breaking up with him!_

_I know. But I did care about him. I never wanted to hurt him. And I sure as hell didn't want him to die!_

I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to ease the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I bowed my head, concentrating on the sight of my hands clasped tightly together in my lap, and letting my hair fall in a curtain between us. I didn't want Edward to notice the tears if I couldn't get them immediately back under control.

"Shit!"

I was startled by Edward's exclamation. My head reflexively snapped up to look at him. I could see that he was visibly paler, and his eyes were full of sorrow and regret.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I wasn't even thinking. I'm such an idiot!"

"It's okay, Edward. I know you didn't mean to upset me. It would be impossible for you to completely avoid the things that set me off sometimes, because it can be anything. Sometimes it's a word or a phrase or the sound of someone's voice that puts me right back in that moment. Sometimes a song will come on the radio and will just wreck me. Sometimes it can be as simple as remembering what day it is."

"The day?" he asked.

"June fifteenth," I sighed and tried to rub away the dull headache that had appeared over my eyes. "It'll be here in just over a week."

Edward didn't say anything, and I knew that he still didn't understand.

"It'll be a year on June fifteenth."

I saw comprehension dawn in his eyes then. I should have just stopped talking. I should have left it at that. But somehow I couldn't stop myself from telling him more. "He's been gone for a year now, Edward. And I'm still so fucked up. I don't think I'm ever going to be better. I don't think life will ever be something I look forward to again. How do I live my life knowing that I'm always going to be this way? Can you tell me? Because I don't have a fucking clue."

Edward took one hand off the steering wheel and, reaching out, took my hand in his. "Bella, please don't say that. It _will _get better! You've got to have hope." With a gentle squeeze, he did his best to provide me some little comfort. I only wish I could say it helped.

I was saved from having to say anything in reply, because at that moment we pulled into a parking lot. I was surprised when I recognized where we were. Edward had brought me to my favorite Chinese restaurant. He hadn't even needed to ask me where I wanted to go. He just knew.

Edward released my hand as I opened the passenger door and exited his car. We walked side by side into the restaurant and then to our table, but I was careful to keep some distance between us.

Neither of us spoke again until after the waiter had taken our orders and then delivered our egg rolls. And honestly, the silence was fine with me.

I hadn't meant to reveal so much to him earlier, and I was scared of what he must think of me. Out of everyone in my life, Edward's opinion was the one that mattered most to me. I could lie to myself and pretend that wasn't the case, but I knew in my heart that it was true. I was afraid to say anything else; afraid to open myself up to him; afraid that once I started talking I wouldn't be able to stop. So, I said nothing.

He was the one to break the silence.

"Bella, I asked you here today because I wanted to talk to you about something important."

"Yeah? What about?" I asked, trying to sound off-hand.

"You," he said quietly.

I felt a stab of fear shoot through me. "What do you mean, Edward?"

He was concentrating on the napkin in his hands, twisting it nervously between his fingers. "Bella, I've seen you struggling. And it's just…painful…for all of us to watch you go through this."

I was suddenly angry. "So, did you draw the short straw this week, Edward? Is it your turn to tell me just how badly I'm screwing things up? You know, you guys really don't have to bother. Believe me, I'm aware of how I always do everything wrong."

"Bella, nobody sent me here. I didn't tell any of the gang that I was doing this. In fact, if Emmett and Jasper knew I was here, they'd probably fight over which one was going to kick my ass first."

I raised one eyebrow at him. "Oh? Why would they want to do that?"

His eyes widened and he looked a bit panicked, like maybe he'd said more than he'd intended. "It doesn't really matter. The point is that I can't just stand by and watch you be so broken, Bella. I've got to do something."

I sighed. "Edward, I really don't know that there's anything you can do. I'm messed up; that's all there is to it."

"You know, I think it would help if you could talk to someone. Really talk. You keep so much bottled up inside, and it's not good for you, Bella. All of us have tried to get you to open up, but you've refused. We only get glimpses of what's really going on with you when you've shoved so much down deep inside of you that you just sort of explode."

"What do you suggest, Edward? I'm not going to see a shrink." I said defiantly.

"That's not what I was getting at," he said, his eyes falling back to the crumpled napkin in his hands. "You need one person that you can be completely honest with. You need someone who you know will listen and be there for you no matter what. Someone who can help you release that pressure that is always building up inside of you. I want that person to be me, Bella."

I didn't know what to say. What he was proposing sounded really good actually. To be able to say out loud all those things that squirmed uncomfortably in my soul. To be able to purge the deepest, darkest secrets that had been quietly eating away at me for so long. Oh God, the thought was tempting. Maybe my demons wouldn't be so fucking terrifying if I let them run around in the light of day.

Still, it was risky. I would be letting Edward get closer. Wasn't that the very thing I'd been trying to avoid? Could I chance opening myself up to him? And how could I accept his offer of the very most intimate kind of friendship while at the same time keeping my love for him firmly under lock and key? I would be attempting to balance on the edge of a knife…the sharpest and deadliest knife I could even imagine, at that. Was it possible?

But maybe, just maybe, this would be exactly what I needed to keep Edward and my feelings for him permanently at bay. Once he knew me, the real me, and everything I'd done, he would never want anything to do with me again. I should be happy at that thought…so how come I wasn't?

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Edward. You probably won't like what you hear."

"That won't matter. This isn't about me, Bella. It's about you. I promise I will not judge you. You can tell me anything, and I'll listen."

Our food came then, and I concentrated on the dish in front of me. I ate a bite or two, but mostly I just pushed the chicken, vegetables, and rice around my plate with my chopsticks.

"I feel a little overwhelmed. There's just so much, I'm not sure where to even start." I finally confessed.

"Well, there have been a few things I've been curious about," Edward said, "Would it be okay if maybe I asked you a few questions?"

I took a deep breath and then let it out to prepare myself. "Okay, bring it on."

Edward smiled at me for a brief moment before his expression again turned serious. "What has been the worst part?"

I knew there were about a million really bad things that I'd done and said and felt over the last year. I should have had a hard time choosing, but I answered without hesitation. "Being responsible."

"Responsible for what, Bella?" Edward asked guilelessly. He honestly didn't know what I was talking about.

"For Mike's death," I said matter-of-factly.

Edward's mouth dropped open as he stared at me. "Wow! Bella, I had no idea you felt that way. I mean, I know you've been depressed. I think that's only to be expected under the circumstances. But how can you say that you're responsible for what happened? It was an accident. And you weren't even there when it happened."

"Didn't anyone ever tell you what really happened? Alice? Or Eric?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I know what happened in general terms. But nobody close to you has ever even hinted to me that you were in any way responsible."

"'Nobody close to me,'" I repeated the phrase. "Hmm…are you, by chance, making allowances for the rumors that Mike committed suicide because of me?"

"I was. But you have to know that the people who know you, who love you, understand that rumor is not true."

"I hate to shatter your illusions about me, Edward. But that rumor is closer to the truth than you might think."

I proceeded to tell him the story then. I explained everything I'd said, everything I'd done…I only left out the feelings that had been the motivating force behind them.

I had never sat down and actually told someone the entire story before. I had been afraid that I would be too emotional; that I wouldn't be able to get through it, but that wasn't the case. I felt bloodless, cold and numb, through the retelling, but I made it through.

When I had finished, Edward didn't say anything for a few tense moments. I was actually waiting for him to abandon me and run screaming in the opposite direction, if the truth be told. I was actually shocked as hell when he didn't.

"Bella, you have to know that it was absolutely _not_ your fault. Mike made choices that led to a tragic accident. You are in no way responsible for that!"

"Please, don't blame Mike. He was the victim, Edward."

"I'm not blaming him, Bella. But you can't ignore the fact that he was the one who got out the gun."

"Yes, and you can't ignore the fact that I'm the reason he did that! You can twist the facts however you like. I know the truth. When you strip away all the pretty lies you're left with this, if it weren't for me, Mike would still be alive."

Edward was silent. I could tell he didn't agree with me. But he could tell that he was never going to change my mind about this. We were at an impasse.

"Can I ask you another question now?" he asked finally.

I nodded my consent.

"Since it happened, what's been hardest thing for you to deal with?"

"How people treat me."

He looked like he'd been expecting that answer.

"But I probably don't mean that in the way you expect I do, Edward."

He frowned. "What do you mean, Bella?"

"I'm not just talking about the people who accused me of cold-bloodedly driving Mike to suicide. There were others who treated me almost like Mike's widow, and I had no right to that. The truth falls somewhere between those two extremes."

He waited for me to continue.

"I don't want to get back into a debate with you, Edward, but I _do _believe I was the cause of Mike's death. But there was nothing cold-blooded about it. I never wanted to hurt him. As for those who treat me like I've lost the great love of my life… Well, the truth was that I liked Mike, I cared about him…but I didn't love him. And I knew that we were never going to make it as a couple long-term." I didn't tell him that I'd decided that day to break up with Mike though. I thought the gist was enough to give him.

"But I've even had a hard time with how the people who claim to love me have treated me sometimes. I know you guys mean well, but sometimes you've made me feel crazy, or smothered, or like a porcelain doll that has to be treated with kid gloves. There have been times when you all have made me so mad that I could just scream."

"And you have," he joked.

I chuckled. "Thanks for the tension breaker, Edward. I needed that."

"Anytime." He smiled at me, but a moment later the frown was back. "There was one group who you haven't mentioned, Bella."

I had been looking down at my food again, and now I glanced back up at him, curious. "Who?"

"What about the guys who used you?" he asked.

_Oh God!_

"Do we really have to talk about that, Edward?" I asked.

"I'd like to, yes."

"Why?"

His eyes were apologetic, but there was a determination in them too. "Because I have some questions that I hope you'll answer for me."

"Alright, Edward. Just tell me what you want to know."

"Well, when we found you kissing Jacob, you told Emmett that you were just trying to feel good for a change."

I nodded.

"Was that the reason for all of them, Bella? Is that why you let them use you?"

I bristled. "You're assuming, Edward. And incorrectly, I might add. They weren't using me. _I _was using them. But to answer your original question…yes, that was the reason I got involved with all of them.

"Edward, I don't think you can comprehend feeling so worthless, so helpless, so hopeless for so long. When you find something that finally makes you feel good, even when you know it won't last, well you can't help but cling to it."

He looked abashed. "Bella, I'm sorry. I promised you no judgments, and I meant it. Forgive me, please."

"It's okay, Edward. You're forgiven. Now what else did you want to know?"

"I did want to ask you…" He trailed off and looked at me with a worried expression.

"Yes?"

"About James," he finished.

I felt myself blanch. "I'm not sure I want to talk about this, Edward."

"Please, Bella. There's something I have to know," he pleaded.

"Okay, you can ask. But I'm not guaranteeing that I will answer."

"Emmett said…"

I interrupted him, "So you and Emmett were discussing me behind my back? Was this a private conversation, or was everyone but me invited?"

"Bella, we weren't trying to gang up on you or go behind your back. We're just really worried about you, especially about this particular topic."

"You didn't answer my question, Edward. Who is 'we' exactly?"

He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Jasper was in on the conversation too."

"Of course. Anyone else I should know about?"

"No. We didn't want to worry Alice and Rosalie."

I rolled my eyes. "So, what did Emmett say?"

"Bella, you have to remember that Emmett used to hang out with those guys from the football team a lot. And guys talk. Emmett knew James was bad news just from the information James volunteered about how he treated girls. But there was something that always bothered Emmett about him. Emmett never could confirm this feeling of his, but he thought that maybe James had a hard time…taking no for an answer."

My voice was slightly higher than normal when I asked him, "Was there a question in there somewhere, Edward?"

"Bella, did James rape you?"

I couldn't meet his gaze. "No, he didn't."

"Did he try?"

I bit my lip nervously. "Edward, I can't answer that question until you promise me two things. First, you can't breathe a word of this to Emmett or Jasper. And second, you cannot go after James yourself."

Edward looked nauseous. "I think you just answered my question anyway."

"Do you want to know for sure, or are you willing to settle for assumptions?" I asked.

"Okay, I agree to your conditions," he said grudgingly.

"James and I were making out. Everything was fine, but then I got to a point where I wanted to end things. I told him to stop…and he didn't. He even told me that he was planning to finish what I started."

Edward's face turned red. Not from embarrassment, like mine usually did, but with rage.

"But he didn't…"

"No. I promise you that I'm telling you the truth. He didn't."

"What stopped him?" he wanted to know.

"I did. I told him I would report the rape if he went through with it."

"Bella, you should have reported him anyway! You should have told your dad."

"Edward, listen to yourself. You want me to tell _my dad _that I allowed a boy into our house when nobody else was home, that I took that boy into my room, into my bed, and engaged in what was essentially foreplay?"

Edward winced. "Do you have to put it like that, Bella?"

"I'm sorry, but that's how my dad will see things. I can't tell him, Edward. I can't prove anything. There was no physical evidence. It would just be my word against James'. I don't think there would be anything my dad could do, and I can't stand seeing the disappointment in his eyes for nothing."

"Alright, Bella. I don't agree, but I guess it's your call to make."

"Good. Now, were there any other questions you had for me?"

"Just one."

"Go ahead. Don't be shy now," I urged.

"Have you considered suicide within the last year?"

I couldn't catch my breath for a moment, I was so stunned.

"Oh my God! You're really not pulling any punches today, are you?"

"Just answer the question, please."

"Yes," I said simply.

"Have you considered it often? And did you consider it seriously?"

"I thought you only had one more question."

"Come on, Bella. Talk to me, please."

"Okay. Yes, I thought about it a lot. More in the beginning. Not so much now, but it creeps back up on me sometimes. I guess you could say that I did seriously consider it, but I've always come to the conclusion that it's just not something I could ever do. I just could never do that to my parents, to you, to Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Rosalie. I know how devastating it is to lose someone I care about. I would never willingly inflict that pain on the people I love."

Edward reached across the table and took my hand in his once again. "You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. I know that I, for one, can't imagine living in a world without Bella Swan in it."

I didn't pull my hand away. I just let myself enjoy the warmth and comfort of his touch.

"Edward, thank you."

"For what?"

"For listening. For being here. You were right. I do feel a little better…lighter. I don't know how long this feeling is going to last, but I like it."

"I'm glad, sweetheart. And don't for one second think that this was a onetime only offer. I hope that you'll feel free to confide in me whenever you need to. No topic is off limits, and there's no such thing as too much information."

I couldn't help but smile. It was a small one, but a smile nonetheless.

"So, are you ready to get out of here?" he asked.

"Absolutely," I agreed.

Edward paid the check after refusing to let me pay my half. He said that he'd asked me to lunch, and it was his treat. Normally, I would have argued, but today I didn't feel like it.

When we were in his car on the way back to Forks, I suddenly realized that there was a question that I needed to ask him. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"There's been something that's been bugging me since the bonfire. I was wondering…could you clear it up for me?"

"I will if I can. What is it, Bella?"

"That night that I kissed Jacob, Emmett almost took his head off. So why was Jake with you guys at the bonfire? And why did he and Emmett seem so chummy?"

"Oh, that. Well, you remember how Emmett insisted on driving Jacob home that night?"

"Which I thought was a very bad idea."

Edward chortled. "We _all _thought that was a very bad idea. But it turned out that Emmett and Jacob ended up having a really good talk. Emmett explained…a few things. And Jake understood. He really seems to be a good guy, Bella."

"I know. He's the one guy I really regret using."

Edward raised his eyebrows at me.

"Okay, that came out wrong. What I meant was…"

"Don't worry, Bella. I think I know what you meant."

Edward and I just talked about everything and nothing for the rest of the ride home. It felt good being together like this. It was something I could easily get used to. But there was one thought blackening my mood as we pulled up in my driveway.

When I let myself out of his car, he got out too. I thanked him one more time and started to walk towards my house. After a couple of steps, I stopped and turned around. He was leaning on his car, watching to make sure I made it inside okay. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"There's one more thing I need to ask you. It's not really a question. It's more of a favor."

"If it's in my power to grant you, consider it done."

I felt the tears well up in my eyes again. And before I could even think about hiding it from him, one spilled over and ran down my cheek.

In an instant, he was in front of me, pulling me into his arms. "Bella, what is it? Please tell me," he asked, his lips brushing my ear softly.

"June fifteenth?" I whispered.

"I'll be here."

* * *

So how do you feel about Edward now? Do you still want to smack him?

On a Lonesome Road did not win any Indie Twific Awards, but I wanted to thank everyone who nominated and voted for this story. Really, your support meant so much to me!

Thank you to everyone who reads and takes the time to review. I know I've been failing to review reply lately – life has been getting in the way – but I read every review!

Thanks to Delta, Ravyn, Gemma and Nina. You know what you did.

Chapter 21 will be posted next Tuesday, April 6th!


	21. June Fifteenth

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 21 – June Fifteenth

_I couldn't tell you anything about the room I found myself in. I wasn't focused at all on my surroundings. Instead, I was experiencing a kind of tunnel vision. All I could see was the boy who stood before me…and the gun gripped tightly in his hand._

"_This is what you wanted, Bella," Mike said in detached voice._

"_No! Mike, don't!" I begged._

"_You never wanted me. It was always him that you wanted. It was always him that you loved. Never me."_

"_I'm sorry, Mike. I tried."_

"_You tried to love me? You didn't have to try with him. You gave him your heart without him even having to ask for it. He didn't ask for it, did he? He didn't even want it then. But you gave it to him anyway. You gave him what should have been mine."_

"_Please, don't do this."_

"_I'm only fulfilling your wish, Bella. You needed me out of the way. You plotted to get rid of me. I simply made things easier by removing myself for you. Now I'm in your way again, aren't I? I'm keeping you from him. You don't want that. I'm more than willing to do this for you again. I only want what will make you happy."_

_His hand came up then, pressing the gun into his temple._

"_For God's sake, Mike! You can't do this to me!"_

"_It's for the best."_

"_Listen to me! I never wanted you to die! I can't watch you die again!"_

"_Goodbye, Bella."_

_I reached out a hand to try and stop him. How? I don't even know. Was it simply a staying gesture? An attempt to distract him long enough for me to say something brilliant and talk him out of this? Was I trying to grab the gun? Did I intend to wrestle it away from him?_

_In the end, my intensions didn't matter. At the moment my hand raised, a loud boom sounded. My hands went to my ears to try and muffle the sound, but it was too late. My ears rang with it. As I watched, transfixed and helpless, Mike's head jerked violently to one side. _

_And then, before my eyes, Mike changed. His skin took on a deathly pallor, which made the blackened, scorched flesh at his temple and the purple shadows surrounding his sunken eyes all the more startling. His lips were tinted an unnatural blue. Blood gushed from the gaping wound, running down his face, down his neck, and finally wetting his shirt, staining it a sickeningly vibrant shade of scarlet._

_I expected him to crumple at my feet, but he didn't. He just stood there, staring at me with accusations in his eyes. _

_I wanted to run, but I was frozen there. I wanted to look away, but I was mesmerized. I couldn't pull my eyes from the ghastly specter of the boy whose love and trust I had betrayed. _

_I was forced to watch until his life's blood no longer flowed. It was the worst kind of torture, knowing that there was nothing I could do to help. Nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing I could do to make it right._

"_Bella," the macabre apparition finally addressed me in scathing tones, "I hope you're happy now!" _

A persistent pounding jarred me out of my nightmare. At first I wasn't sure what it was. But I was grateful to whatever or whoever was causing it for saving me. After a moment though, the fog of sleep cleared my brain, and I realized what the determined knocking meant. Edward was here…just as he'd promised. There was only one problem with that. I wasn't sure I wanted to see him now.

The dream had left me shaky and scared. Actually, scared didn't quite cover it. Freaked the fuck out would be more accurate. I hadn't had a Mike nightmare in a long time, and I'd never had one quite as vivid and horrifying as that one. A combination of fear, adrenaline, and the cold sweat covering my skin left me shivering and unable to get warm, even after I pulled my comforter closer around my body. My heart was thumping wildly in my chest, as if I had just run a somnambulant marathon. I couldn't make myself move. I couldn't make myself go downstairs and open that door. How could I allow myself the comfort of Edward after what my dream-Mike had accused me of? It wasn't right. Obviously that was what my subconscious had been trying to tell me.

Finally the knocking ceased, and moments later my cell phone started playing Edward's ringtone. I was too much of a coward to answer it. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him without him immediately knowing that something was wrong.

About a minute of silence followed after the call went to voicemail. I was hoping that maybe he'd just go away. I knew deep down that that would never happen. But still, I hoped.

"Bella?"

He was standing in my doorway.

"How did you get in?" I asked in a flat tone.

"Alice."

"Of course."

"I called her. She told me where you keep the extra key, under the eave," he said. "Is it okay that I let myself in?"

"Yes, Edward. I'm sorry I didn't answer the door or your call. I just…couldn't."

He contemplated me with a frown. "I won't ask you how you're feeling, because it's written all over your face. What happened?"

When he asked me that, it opened the emotional floodgates. I didn't just cry, I sobbed. I finally managed to squeak out, "Nightmare."

"Oh, Bella. I'm so sorry."

And then he did something completely unexpected. He walked over to my bed and climbed in with me. He pulled me close to him and gently brought my face to his chest. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself; I clung to him and accepted the comfort he offered.

He ran one hand up and down my back in a soothing gesture, but he didn't say another word until the sobs had stopped.

"Now then, would you like to talk about your nightmare?" he asked.

There was no way I could share it with him. My feelings for him and the guilt I still had over them were central to what had made the dream so terrifying to me. I shook my head no.

He sighed. "I'm worried about you, love. Please, isn't there anything you can tell me about what has you so freaked?"

Without warning, I lost my temper and snapped at him, "I was with Mike, okay? He put a gun to his head and blew his brains out while I watched. There, I told you. I shared. I hope you're happy now!"

Those words, an unintentional echo of Mike's final words to me in my dream, brought fresh tears to my eyes.

"Bella, how can I be happy when you're so sad?" His hand left my back and swiped at the tears on my cheek. When I looked up into his face, there was such tenderness in his eyes. "I am glad that you told me, though. That's exactly the kind of thing you shouldn't let fester. But…there was more to it than that, wasn't there?"

"Yes," I answered.

"But you can't or won't tell me any more of it." It wasn't a question.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

"Bella, have you ever considered keeping a journal?"

"I used to keep one when I was younger, but I don't anymore," I told him.

"Well, I think it might help if you write some of your feelings down. I've already told you that you can talk to me about anything. But I know that there are some things that you don't want to or aren't ready to share with me. Maybe just getting those things out on paper would be good for you."

"I'll think about it, Edward. Okay?"

"Okay," he agreed.

We were quiet for several long minutes. But once my tears had finally dried, I started to feel very uncomfortable. I was lying in my bed with Edward Cullen! What in the hell was wrong with me?

"Edward, I don't think we should be here together like this."

"Like what, Bella?" He sounded honestly confused.

"Do you really think that it's a good idea for us to be curled up in bed together like this?"

He chuckled a little and pulled back to look at me. "I'm here to comfort you, Bella. That's all. The last thing on my mind at the moment is hooking up with you."

"Oh." Why did I sound disappointed? Maybe I really did need to get my head examined after all. Of course he didn't want me like that. I was unworthy of him.

"Hey, don't you even dare think that!"

"Think what?" I tried to avoid his gaze.

"Don't try to play innocent with me. What you need right now is a good friend who will just hold you and listen. The last thing you need is someone to take advantage of you when you're feeling vulnerable. Haven't you learned that already?"

When I started to protest, he placed a finger against my lips to shush me. "I know, I know. You were using them. But at least some of them used you back. I would never do that, Bella.

"That being said, however, if I found you in my arms like this under different circumstances, I am sure that I would have a much harder time remaining a gentleman."

My mouth dropped open and I stared at him in shock. He laughed, and my mouth closed with a snap.

"I know you don't believe this, Bella, but you are a beautiful and very desirable woman. A man would have to be crazy not to be attracted to you. I'm definitely _not_ crazy. But I do understand that there is a time and place for everything."

I suddenly felt ill. He couldn't possibly still be hoping that we had a chance together, could he? I was going to have to nip this in the bud. "Edward, I don't think that that's ever going to be possible for us. You have to know that by now, don't you?"

"I know what you've told me. And I respect your decision about us, Bella. Please, just know that what I'm offering you now is strictly friendship, and don't be afraid to accept. I am curious though…" He trailed off.

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. Finally, I couldn't take the suspense any longer. "What do you want to know, Edward?" I asked.

"I'm not sure I should say this to you."

"Well, you kind of have to now. I'm all intrigued," I tried to joke.

"It's just… I was wondering how much of your insistence that we can't be together is due to your actual feelings for _me_," He paused again then. I could tell he was still uncertain that he wanted to finish this thought. "And how much is because it would be too hard for you if I were that close to you – you know, after all that's happened."

_Fuck! He's just way too smart for his own good._

_Well, he is brilliant, I'll give you that. But I think this particular gem springs from the fact that he just knows you way too well. You two really would be perfect together if only…_

_Stop right there. There's no point indulging in "if onlys."_

"Edward, I'm going to answer you as honestly as I can, because you deserve no less from me. The truth is that I don't trust myself with you. I don't know how to be with you in that way and not end up hurting you. I destroy everything I touch. I'm a monster. And I won't drag you down with me. I can't." I spoke into his chest, because I couldn't bear to look into his eyes.

"Hey, Bella, look at me. I have something to say, and I want your eyes on mine as I say it."

I forced my gaze upward to meet his.

"I understand why you feel the way you do."

So, he had recognized the truth of what I'd said then? He understood that he needed to stay away from my swath of devastation. Hell, I was practically the human incarnation of Kali, Hindu goddess of death and destruction. But I refused to destroy him too!

"But you need to listen to me now. You are _not _a monster. You were an innocent girl who through no fault of her own got tangled up in tragic circumstances. Bella, you have the purest soul of anyone I've ever met. How could you even begin to think of yourself as a monster?"

"I can't help the way I feel, Edward. You wanted honesty. There it is."

He nodded. "I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me, Bella. It means so much that you're willing to be open with me. I don't want to discourage that. But let me be clear. I'm not going to agree with you all the time. And I won't be keeping my mouth shut when I think you're mistaken. I wouldn't be doing my job as your friend if I did that.

"Now, I know you haven't eaten anything yet today and it's getting late. Let me fix you something."

"You're going to cook? I'm not sure that's a good idea, Edward. This is an old house, highly flammable."

"Ha ha, very funny. You know, I can't believe I just heard that coming from Bella Swan, card-carrying Feminist Extraordinaire. Did you just stereotype me based on my gender? I think I'm highly offended."

"So, you mean you actually can cook?"

"Yeah, my mom's been training me for a while now. She says that she's determined when I go off to college I'll know how to do my own laundry and make myself a decent meal. She claimed it made her shudder, thinking of me surviving on cold cereal and take-out for four years."

"I knew there was a reason I liked your mother, Edward. Your future girlfriends and eventual wife are going to absolutely bow down and worship her…a man who looks like you who cooks and does laundry too…that's every woman's most fevered fantasy come true."

"Quit trying to make me blush and tell me if you want breakfast or lunch? At this time of day, either would work."

"Do you think you could handle a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup? I'm in the mood for comfort food."

"Pfft, mere child's play…one soup and sandwich coming up. Why don't you hit the shower while I get your lunch ready?"

"Okay, I will."

He got up from the bed then and started towards the door.

"Oh and Edward?"

He stopped and turned back to me. "Yes?"

"Thank you…for putting up with me…again."

He smiled his crooked grin at me. "It's what I live for, Bella."

I actually laughed as he left my room. That had been the last thing I was expecting today. I couldn't imagine myself being in any kind of mood for laughter on a day like this.

I knew it wouldn't take Edward long to heat up a can of soup and make a grilled cheese, so I rushed through my shower. He yelled up to tell me it was ready just after I stepped out, so I hurriedly dressed and ran a comb through my hair. It could air dry while I ate, I decided.

I took the stairs quickly and walked into the kitchen with a smile on my lips – only to be stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of a new centerpiece on my kitchen table. Arranged in a beautiful, delicate crystal vase were a dozen yellow rosebuds. I couldn't have been more startled and panicked if I had found a coiled viper in the middle of the table. Those golden blooms were, perhaps, more venomous to me then even the viper might have been. The toxin carried by the deadliest of serpents usually kills swiftly and efficiently. These roses, however, brought with them a lingering and excruciating pain that would never end for me. Their venom would never kill me, no matter how much the pain they brought might make me wish for just that end.

"Where did those come from?" I asked through stiff and frozen lips.

"Oh, the roses… I just thought you might like them," Edward said lightly. He had been looking down at the bowl he was setting on the table and hadn't yet noticed my reaction to the flowers. When he finally took note of my silence and glanced at me, the smile died on his lips.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"Why did you bring me yellow roses, Edward? Of all the different colors that roses come in, why did you have to bring me yellow ones?"

"I…I thought they would be cheery. Yellow reminds me of warmth and sunlight. And yellow roses symbolize friendship. They seemed like the perfect choice for me to bring you." He ran his hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. "But obviously I've fucked up royally somehow. Please, will you tell me what I did wrong?"

"Edward, I'm sorry. I know you were just trying to do something nice for me. It's just…" I took his hand and pulled him behind me as I made my way back upstairs. "Here, it'll be easier if I can just show you."

Once we were again in my room, I let go of his hand and walked over to my overstuffed bookshelf. I pulled an extremely thick book down and opened it.

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's a poetry anthology – the Romantics through the late 20th century."

"No wonder it looks like it weighs 20 pounds."

I had let the book fall open naturally. The things I kept inside made the page I wanted easy to find. I heard Edward gasp as he recognized the object on top. It was a pressed yellow rose.

"Oh my God, Bella is that…"

"The rose that Mike's mother gave me at the funeral?" I finished for him. "Yes."

"Christ! No wonder you freaked out when you saw those roses. I had forgotten, Bella. I'm sorry."

I wondered briefly how many times Edward and I were going to apologize to each other. It felt like we had numerous times already. But I guess it was inevitable that we would be walking on eggshells today.

"It's okay, Edward. Why would you remember something like that? The yellow roses didn't have the same impact for you as they did for me. I'm sorry," I said, apologizing yet again, "about letting the roses get to me. You went out of your way to bring me flowers, hoping that they might make this day just a little bit easier for me to bear, and I practically throw them back in your face. I certainly sucked all the joy out of the gift, didn't I? I really didn't mean to. It's just…yellow roses are one of those things I told you about that can set me off."

He nodded in understanding. We stood there in silence for a few moments. I was just getting ready to suggest returning downstairs when Edward's voice ended the quiet. "What else do you have there? Can I see?" he asked.

I looked down at the rest of the items I kept with the rose. As my eyes scanned each one of the artifacts that I'd tucked away and preserved for all this time, the thought occurred to me that this was something I wouldn't have imagined being able to share with anyone before now. Yet, in this moment, it felt…right to be sharing them with Edward.

I pulled out the clipping of Mike's obituary and handed it to him. I thought back to the day of the funeral, when I'd sat in this room staring at this very scrap of newsprint. I remembered how sad it had made me that Mike's life had been stripped of all meaning and purpose and reduced to a small handful of pointless facts. It still had the power to hurt me, seeing him dehumanized and condensed into vital statistics. But the pain had eased a bit with time. The sharp stab had mellowed to a duller, more manageable ache.

Edward didn't say anything, but I could tell he was reading it carefully. When he was finished, he looked up at me with a sad expression.

Next I handed him the…I wasn't exactly sure what its proper name was. Program? Keepsake? Whatever. It was the card that they had handed out at the funeral home.

I knew he'd seen this one before. I remembered seeing his copy clutched in his hand during the funeral. But he still took the time to read every word printed inside the folded card.

I knew what he was reading. I had opened the card and read the inside so many times that I was surprised it hadn't torn apart into two halves by now. On the right hand side the same stark facts that made up Mike's obituary were repeated. But on the left was printed a poem, "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep" by Mary Elizabeth Frye. There was no way that Edward could miss the tearstains that now punctuated the poem.

His eyes finally met mine again, waiting for whatever came next.

I hesitated handing over the last scrap of paper. Everything else I'd shown him was about Mike. This wasn't. This was all about me. I was reluctant to share some of my darkest thoughts of my life with Edward.

"What's that you've got there, Bella?" He had seen my reticence, and he was prompting me, trying to draw me out.

"Well, you asked me if I'd been writing anything down. I told you the truth about that. I haven't been writing. But, sometimes…when I got really down…I would go looking for things that expressed how I was feeling. I found this at a website that listed the 100 best sad poems. I found this one, and it just said so much of what I'd been feeling. I printed it out and kept it."

"Will you read it to me," he asked.

I was sure the panic I felt at the idea of reading this poem aloud to him was clearly written on my face. "I don't know if I can."

"Please, just try. For me?"

"Alright, Edward. For you. It's called 'Silence, Emptiness, and Confusion.'" I took a shaky breath and then began to read.

"Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl  
It feeds on loneliness and creates a void  
Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture  
A teenager is stricken and destroyed

There is no sound of laughter or happiness here  
The little one has thrown in the towel today  
Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul  
It is futile to hope and dream and pray

Emptiness builds a home in this woman  
In this girl, this child where hollows have bred  
A deepening sea of nowhereness consumes  
And eats away at every connecting thread

Confusion feeds like a savage inside her,  
Leaving nothing considered worthy remains  
Destined to walk through life less ordinary  
Alone, exiled, different and disdained."

I had made it through without breaking down entirely. But when I was finished, I had to wipe a few stray tears away. When I finally worked up enough courage to look at Edward again, I saw that a tear or two had escaped his eyes as well.

He was obliged to clear his throat before speaking to me again, "Wow, Bella. That was so powerful. I'm still finding it hard to wrap my brain around the fact that you've felt all that. I wish you could have talked to someone about how you felt sooner. I mean, I know I haven't always been your favorite person over the last year. But I wish you'd talked to Alice or Emmett or maybe your mom. I don't know…just someone."

"I couldn't, Edward. I just wasn't ready until now. And...I don't think I could share this stuff with anyone but you."

I had been so worried about giving Edward this glimpse into my soul, and in the end it had been almost too easy. I wondered how this had happened, how I had gotten to this place of comfort and ease with him so quickly, and realized that I didn't exactly know.

Edward swallowed hard and then nodded. He didn't ask me to explain why I felt that way. Did he understand? And if so, could he explain it to me?

"So, why do you have everything stored on that particular page of the book? Is it significant?" he asked.

"Umm, yes actually. I keep everything at the beginning of 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.'"

"That long-ass, boring poem we had to read in Freshman English? Why for God's sake?"

"I ran across a snippet of it when I was reading my copy of Frankenstein again."

"A little light reading, Bella?" Edward asked wryly.

"I felt like reading about a fellow monster." I shrugged.

"Bella, do we need to have this conversation over again," he asked menacingly.

"No, Edward. Once was enough for today. Now do you want me to explain this or not?"

He gestured with his hand for me to continue.

"In the book, Victor Frankenstein refers to 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner' when he's feeling guilt over making the Creature and fears his ghastly creation is stalking him. There was a paranoia about it that…well…sounded familiar. So, I looked up the entire poem in this book. There's a lot about it that I identify with."

"Like what?"

"The Mariner kills the Albatross, an innocent living thing who did nothing to him but bring good into his life. Just like I did to Mike. And the death of the Albatross brings with it a curse that kills the rest of the Mariner's shipmates. I can really understand the guilt he feels at being responsible for their deaths."

He looked like he wanted to argue with me so badly, but he managed to contain it. "Is there anything else you relate to?"

"The feeling of having the Albatross hung round my neck is familiar. I feel like not only Mike's death will haunt me forever, but there are also the rumors, having everyone know what I did."

"Bella, I've heard the gossip. In fact, I'm sure I've heard more than you have. None of the rumors have anything to do with what actually happened. Nobody has the slightest clue of what you actually did or didn't do."

"That doesn't matter, Edward. I know you haven't lived in this town as long as I have. But haven't you been here long enough to learn that nobody cares much about the truth if it gets in the way of a good story?"

He sighed. "How long until we can get the hell out of this town again?"

"A little over two years now," I replied.

"That long? It seems like an eternity. How do you think we'll manage to make it through?"

"I'm not always sure I will," I said quietly.

"Bella, you're not going to give up, do you hear me? We _will _get through the next two years together.

"And please don't forget that I'm not the only one who wants to help you through this. Alice and Rosalie will be there for you whenever you need them. And even though Emmett and Jasper will be at UDub this fall, they'll just be a phone call or an email away. Please don't shut us out and try to struggle through this alone."

"Okay, Edward. I'll try."

"Good. Now, do you think lunch is salvageable?"

"I'm sure we can reheat it, and it will be fine."

We walked back down to the kitchen together. Then, Edward insisted that I sit down while he warmed lunch back up for me. He told me that I could use some spoiling for a change. And I had to admit it was a very nice feeling, letting someone else take care of me.

I looked at the yellow roses in the center of the table. He had offered to remove them before we came back into the room, but I'd told him to leave them for now. It had really been the shock of seeing them there unexpectedly that had freaked me out so much before. I mean, I knew I didn't want to keep them, but I could tolerate their presence for a little while.

We didn't say much as we ate. I was thinking, and Edward seemed content to let me be. I think he knew I would share my thoughts with him whenever I was ready, and he was right.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Would you mind… Could I…take the roses out to Mike's grave? I was planning to go and take flowers out there today anyway. But if you don't want me to, just say so. I know that you meant them as a gift for me. It's just that I don't feel like they belong to me. Yellow roses belong to Mike…at least in my fucked up brain."

"Bella, I have no problem with you taking the flowers to Mike's grave. But I have one condition."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Can I go with you?"

I smiled sadly. "I was hoping you would ask."

~*~

I gave Edward directions where to go once we were inside the cemetery. He parked the car at the side of the road cutting through the cemetery and waited for me to show him where we were going.

We walked slowly and quietly to Mike's grave, side by side. I didn't reach for Edward's hand, although I really wanted to. It didn't feel right though, visiting Mike while holding hands with Edward. So, I resisted the urge.

"This is it," I said as we stopped before a headstone. I placed the bouquet of yellow roses at the base of the stone. It stood a couple of feet tall and had Mike's name, date of birth, date of death, and a picture of him on it. I had been surprised the first time I'd seen that picture on the headstone. And it never failed to bring tears to my eyes, seeing Mike smiling up at me from his grave.

"You've been here before," Edward said matter-of-factly.

"Yes. Often. I like to come here."

"Do you do it to pay your respects to Mike? Or do you do it to torment yourself with guilt?"

I didn't answer. I just stared down into the blue-gray eyes that I would never again see in life.

"That's what I thought," Edward said angrily. "Bella, there's nothing wrong with you coming here for the right reasons. But to just come here to beat yourself up…it's not healthy."

I started to cry.

"God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry, Bella." He pulled me into a hug, and I stayed there.

I knew that I shouldn't. If it was wrong to hold hands with Edward in this place, it was infinitely worse to be held in his arms here. But I couldn't find the strength to push him away.

Deep down, I knew that Edward was right. I would never be able to heal if I kept up this sick cycle of destructive behavior. Acting like this obviously wasn't doing me any good. If I ever wanted to recover and move on, I needed to try something else. I just wasn't sure what that might be. And then, I suddenly had an idea.

"Edward, do you think I could have a moment alone?" I asked.

"Sure, Bella. I'll be over by the car if you need me." He kissed the top of my head before releasing me and walking away.

I rested my hand on the headstone and looked back down into Mike's face.

"Mike? I'm not sure if you can hear me. I mean, I'm not sure if I buy all that 'he's smiling down on us from heaven' stuff. Maybe when you die, you're just gone. Maybe there's just nothing left but this," I squatted down and traced his smile in the picture with one finger.

"But if you can hear me, you know how sorry I am for what happened. I know I've told you over and over again about the guilt and the responsibility I feel for you being here.

"And if you can hear me, there's something I'd like to ask you. I know that you can't really answer me back, but I kinda feel compelled to ask.

"If it's possible, I would like to ask you for…your forgiveness. I know I don't deserve it, but I was hoping that maybe you'd give it to me anyway. Please, Mike. I need this if I'm ever going to have any hope of getting better.

"You don't have to decide right now, of course. But I hope…maybe someday…you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

"Thanks for listening." I brought my finger to my lips, kissed it, and then placed my kiss to Mike's cheek.

As I turned to walk back to Edward, suddenly, inexplicably, I felt lighter – as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

And for just a moment, down in the depths of my soul, I truly believed that maybe Mike could answer me after all.

* * *

Here is a link to the poem, "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep" by Mary Elizabeth Frye.

http://www(dot)worldprayers(dot)org/frameit(dot)cgi?/archive/prayers/celebrations/do_not_stand_at_my_grave(dot)html

Here is a link to "Silence, Emptiness, and Confusion by Bek.

http://www(dot)100-poems(dot)com/poems/sad/0985001(dot)htm

The snippet of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" that Bella found in Frankenstein was posted before chapter 1 of On a Lonesome Road. The entire poem can be found here:

http://poetry(dot)eserver(dot)org/ancient-mariner(dot)html

I'd love to know your reactions to the chapter. It definitely wasn't an easy one to write.

Thanks to all my readers and reviewers and to Gemma, Delta, Ravyn and Nina for all your love and support.

Chapter 22 will be up next Tuesday, April 13th.

If you have any questions, comments, or just want to talk, you can find me at Twilighted on the On a Lonesome Road thread.


	22. Revelations

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 22 – Revelations

I was keeping a secret from my friends. Well, I was keeping yet another secret from my friends. Lord knows, I hadn't been completely honest with anyone in… I wasn't even sure how long it had been. What kind of person was I, that I couldn't even remember the last time I wasn't lying about something to someone? It had been just over seven weeks since the day I took Edward to Mike's grave, and in that short time it seemed as if things had changed so much. But as I considered the secret I was hiding, I saw how, just beneath the surface, things were still very much the same. _I_ was still the same…selfish, unlovable, and unworthy.

This particular secret I had justified as being nobody's business but my own. Of course, that's what I did with all my secrets and lies, wasn't it? Justified them.

I had told myself that I had lied and withheld information to keep from hurting others. That had been the justification for not telling Edward how I felt about him from the very beginning. I hadn't wanted to possibly damage his relationship with Tanya or his friendship with me. It had been the reason I'd given for not telling Mike that I couldn't feel more than friendship for him. He had said he loved me, and I hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.

But if I was being honest with myself, I had to admit that the reason for my secrets and lies had nothing to do with protecting others. Deep down, in a place I didn't care to think about or look at too closely, lurked the painful truth. I had lied because I was worried about what others would think of me.

The truth was that I had coveted another girl's boyfriend. I didn't actively plot to break them up. But I did everything short of telling Edward the truth to let him know I'd be available if he ended things with Tanya. And if he hadn't ended things with her but had wanted me anyway, I was certain that I wouldn't have even hesitated. I had wanted him that badly. I had never shared that with any of my friends. I was too ashamed of myself and too worried that they'd think I was a horrible person.

I was still lying, still keeping secrets about Mike's death. I was afraid to let anyone know just how I'd used Mike, exploiting the feelings he'd had for me to try and forget Edward. My friends had tried to reassure me at the time that dating Mike wasn't wrong. But I knew it was. Because what I had done to him went so much deeper than just that; I had taken advantage of him. I knew in my heart that what I had done to Mike was terrible – and that was not even taking into account what had happened between us on that last day.

I told myself that the secret I was keeping now was nothing more than a little lie of omission when compared to my greater sins. So why did I find it so difficult just to confess?

It had started last January, shortly after the second semester of my sophomore year began. I remembered that quite clearly, because it was after Felix and Demetri but before Laurent.

I paused for a moment.

_How sad is it that I mark the timeline of my life during that period by the random guys I hooked up with? _

I decided simply to pretend I hadn't just had those thoughts and went back to the beginning. Now where was I? Oh yes. It had started in January.

I was sitting at the kitchen table, doing homework, while my mother made dinner. I had a pretty good numb going that day, so I wasn't really paying attention to her hovering around me until she spoke.

"What's this, Bella?" she asked me as she pulled out a brightly colored brochure that I had stuck inside my English book.

I blinked, trying to focus on what she held in her hand. Wading through the blankness of my brain, I slowly was able to identify and label what it was. "Oh that. It's nothing," I said dismissively.

When she continued to stand there and look at me expectantly, I knew she wasn't going to let me get by with my vague answer. I sighed and then decided that the quickest way to get her to leave me the fuck alone was just to give her what she wanted. "It's just something they passed out in English class today. They're offering a Junior/Senior trip to England over Spring Break next year."

"Oh," she said in a voice just above a whisper.

She didn't leave then like I'd expected her too. She just continued to look at the brochure clasped in her hand. I rolled my eyes and went back to ignoring her.

After a few moments, she again broke the silence, "Bella? Is this something you'd be interested in doing?"

I was surprised and confused. Why would she ask me that? It's not like we'd ever be able to afford the trip. "Yeah. I mean, I guess it would be kinda cool to go. But I know that I can't."

My mother didn't say anything. She lowered her eyes and bit her bottom lip nervously. _Well, I guess I know where I get that from._

She looked pensive and…maybe a little sad. As much as my mother annoyed the heck out of me these days, I didn't want to be responsible for making her feel bad. "You know, it's okay, Mom. I know that we don't have the money for things like that. Even with the student group rate, the trip is expensive. I get that. It never even crossed my mind to want to go. Honestly."

That seemed to snap her out of her daze, and she nodded before turning to the cabinets and pulling out plates. Without another word passing between us, I cleared the table of my books and papers and took the dishes from her. I set the table while she put the finishing touches on dinner.

Twenty minutes later we were in the midst of a mostly silent meal. My dad and I were usually pretty quiet, so there was nothing unusual about us not making much dinner conversation. But my mom liked to chatter. She became uncomfortable when nobody said anything for an extended period of time. She was one of those people who felt it was necessary to fill any conversational void. This definitely wasn't like her.

When we were all close to finishing, my mom finally broke the silence. "Charlie? There's something that I would like to discuss as a family."

"Oh?" My father asked. "And what would that be?"

"The high school is sponsoring a trip to England for the upperclassmen next year. I think that Bella should go."

Seeing my dad's mouth hang open in shock probably would have been vastly entertaining, if I wasn't sure that I looked exactly like him at that moment.

"Renée, what are you talking about? You know we don't have money in the budget for a trip like that!"

"I know you're right, dear. We don't have the money. But Bella does."

_What? Huh? Me? I have the money? I don't even have a part-time job yet!_

"No, Renée! That money is supposed to be Bella's college fund!"

"Wait," I said, trying to catch up. "I have a college fund?"

_This was news to me._

"Your Grandma Marie left you some money, Bella. Your father and I have been saving it to put towards your tuition when you go off to college. But I think that it's worth it to put a little of it into this. You have a golden opportunity here, Bella. Who knows, you may never get another chance to go to Europe! You should go while you have the chance!"

And just like that, my mother had opened up a possibility for me that I had never dreamed existed. Was it irresponsible of me to throw money away on a week-long vacation that should have gone toward paying for college? Of course. But oh, how I wanted to go!

I could see by the look on my dad's face that he was dead set against the idea. I sighed, knowing that I probably wouldn't be going after all. Still, it wouldn't hurt to at least let him know how I felt, right?

"Dad, I know I shouldn't ask this. But I really, really want to go, if I can. It's just that…I've never been anywhere before. And I don't know if I'll ever have the chance again. What happened to Mike showed me that life is short and…" I trailed off. I hadn't meant to think about Mike, he had just popped into my head as I was talking. And I certainly hadn't meant to actually say that out loud, it had just slipped out! Oh my god! Had I really just used my dead boyfriend as a way to talk my father into something I wanted?

I was disgusted with myself.

"Look, I'm fine with whatever you guys decide. May I be excused now?"

I pushed away from the table and fled upstairs to my room without waiting for either of my parents to answer me.

~*~

The next day, my parents had sat me down and told me that I could go. At the time, I'd still been in my cocoon of self-loathing brought on by what I'd done to get my own way. As I stood to leave them, I was buried so deeply within myself that I barely remembered that I should be thanking them. I forced the meaningless words of gratitude through my lips and left as quickly as I could.

It was in that frame of mind that I first decided not to tell anyone about my trip. How could I tell my friends about something of which I was so profoundly ashamed?

I was worried most about Alice's reaction. She didn't just know me too damn well; she knew my entire family. She would zero in on exactly all the questions I wouldn't want to answer. And knowing that subtlety was not exactly her forte, I could just see her calling me out on them in front of everyone. How could I tell them what I had done?

But as the weeks went on and the painful memory of how it came to be faded, I was surprised to find that I was actually feeling excited about the trip again. I was really looking forward to just getting away from everything. There was something hugely comforting about the idea of going someplace where nobody would know me or anything about me. Well, almost nobody, at least. There would be the other students and teachers from Forks on the tour with me, of course. But I planned to avoid them as much as possible.

I wanted to use this trip to hide. To be someone else. To pretend for just a little while that the monster that I'd become had never taken up residence inside my body. How wonderful it would be to be surrounded by people who saw nothing when they looked at me but an innocent teenage girl. They wouldn't know that the ingénue they perceived actually housed a black and gnarled soul. They would never think to look deeper than the façade. Just the thought of it caused my breath to catch in my chest. I craved the freedom it would bring.

It was this train of thought that only reinforced my desire to keep my friends in the dark. Knowing how they watched me like a bunch of fucking nursemaids charged with a spoiled toddler, I didn't want to tip them off to my plan. All through that spring, the school had held several informational meetings about the trip. Imagine my genuine relief when none of my friends showed up with their parents in tow. If I could just keep my big mouth shut for once, I could escape their prying eyes for an entire week! I knew that they wouldn't all be able to follow me if I let it slip that I was going – not everyone had the money to go. But Edward did. And I wouldn't put it past him to fork over thousands of dollars to make the trip just to be sure I stayed firmly in line. No thanks! I had to do this on my own.

And now? When all the deadlines had passed, and I knew that none of them could go with me even if they wanted to, why was I still keeping it a secret? Well, it was complicated.

_Oh, like your life was the picture of simplicity before?_

_Absolutely not. But now, undoubtedly, it's worse. _

Because not only had so much time passed at this point that I knew they'd all realize I'd been purposely keeping it from them and be all mad and hurt and shit, but all my reasons for the big secret no longer seemed valid. In fact, I couldn't help thinking that they'd been downright stupid. I just didn't feel now like I had then. Things had changed.

First, I was beginning to be able to think of Mike and sometimes even talk about him without hating myself for it. Since I'd gone to Mike's grave and had that talk with him, since I'd asked for and felt like maybe I'd received his forgiveness, I found I had a different perspective. It was easier for me to see now that I hadn't purposely used Mike as a ploy to manipulate my father. I had spoken of him in a completely guileless and unconscious way. How could I fault myself for that? Okay, I would be the first to admit that I didn't consider myself all of a sudden miraculously absolved for my part in Mike's death. I still believed with all of my being that Mike would still be alive if it weren't for me. But I could at least bring up memories of him now without feeling the magnitude of guilt and pain that I'd felt even a few months ago.

Second, I no longer felt the compulsion to hide myself as much anymore. I didn't kid myself into thinking the gossips of Forks were done with me. I wasn't oblivious to the stares and whispers that I still got at school, at the grocery store, at the post office, or anywhere else I went in this crummy town. It was just that it didn't bother me as much as it did before. Being able to express some of my feelings had led me to exorcise them a bit and alleviate a little of their power over me.

And finally, I didn't see my friends as jailers or babysitters or anything of the sort any longer. Since I had begun to open up to Edward, I felt so much freer, lighter, as if the burden I carried had miraculously eased to the point that I no longer felt the danger that it might crush me. I wasn't exactly what anyone would call happy-go-lucky. But I wasn't all emo, dressed in black, oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-she-hasn't-slit-her-own-wrists-yet girl either. I was still quiet, still sometimes sad, but I found that I could also sometimes _almost_ enjoy the company of my friends again. True, I usually found myself with a small, wry smile when once I would have laughed out loud at their antics...especially Emmett's. But after all the depression and despair I'd felt since Mike died, I couldn't even begin to explain how victorious I felt to even manage that small smile. It was more than I'd ever dared hope to experience again.

I was sure that my friends all noticed the change in me. And I, in turn, became aware of changes in them. They also seemed to feel as if a weight had been lifted. I saw more genuine smiles and heard more light-hearted laughter than I remembered witnessing in a long time. Emmett looked like he was all lit-up from the inside and was displaying that big kid playfulness of his that I hadn't known until now had been missing. Alice and Rosalie didn't hesitate to try and include me in frivolous discussions about fashion or how hot they thought that actor in the latest vampire flick was. Sometimes I joined in and sometimes I didn't feel like it, but they respected that and never pushed. Best of all, they didn't appear to be walking on eggshells around me anymore. I didn't catch Jasper contemplating me with narrowed eyes, like he was just waiting for me to fuck up again, as he'd been doing so often in the last six months. And Edward… Well, I couldn't remember ever seeing Edward as happy as he seemed to be now.

So, how exactly did I break the news to them that I had done something for the express purpose of ditching them?

_Talk about being a buzz kill._

_Yep, that would be my specialty now, wouldn't it?_

I was contemplating this very dilemma one Friday night early in August. I was back in Alice's cemetery for the first time since… I felt myself hesitate, but then forced myself to finish the thought. It was my first time back here since Mike. I was sure it wasn't difficult for anyone to figure out why I'd been avoiding this place for over a year. Just being in this neighborhood again brought back memories of that day. Memories that I wished to God I didn't have, but I was terrified to forget. I felt like forgetting them would mean forgetting him, and that's the last thing I wanted. He deserved better than that. But in addition to that, I also didn't think it took a genius to realize that as depressed and preoccupied with death as I'd been, the last place on earth I wanted to spend large amounts of my time was in a cemetery – even one that had always seemed as benign to me as this one. Sure, I'd spent a lot of time at Mike's graveside over the past fourteen months, but I hadn't exactly been there to have fun. As Edward had forced me to see, that had been much more an exercise in self-flagellation than anything else. Being here, in this place, had a much different meaning for me and could, I feared, be peppered with hidden dangers.

Yet, here I was again, and I was doing…okay. I'd been extremely nervous when I'd first gotten here, waiting for the freak out that I knew was a distinct possibility, but it never came. Edward had been a big help. He never left my side. And if he noticed that I was starting to feel anxious, he would engage me in conversation to distract me. With him beside me, I felt myself start to relax a little. Sitting next to him on a concrete slab, I felt like this place was no more than what it had always been for me, a safe haven, a place full of mostly happy memories. So feeling surrounded by Edward's support and the love of my friends, I finally felt myself let go. Of course, I should have known better.

When I brought myself out of my thoughts and began to pay attention to the talk around me, I realized that my friends were discussing how summer would soon be over, and the changes that the fall would bring for all of us. It was late evening, but the sun had not yet set. So it was easy for me to see the tears that had slipped down Alice's cheeks, and Jasper cradling her in his arms, trying to soothe her.

"Shhh. Baby, please don't do this now. You have me for almost a whole month still. Let's enjoy being together for as long as we have, okay?" Jasper's thumbs swiped at the tears under her eyes.

"I know, Jazz. I'm really sorry. It's just that it seems to be going by so fast. In just a few more weeks, you're going to be gone, and I'm going to miss you so much!" Alice sniffled.

I looked over at Rosalie to see how she was holding up. I knew that she was going to miss Emmett every bit as much as Alice was going to miss Jasper. There were no tears, but her expression was absolutely desolate. Both the girls were taking this hard.

Emmett had noticed the look on Rose's face and wrapped his arms around her. "Don't _you_ start on me, Rosalie Lillian Hale! I can't handle it if you make with the waterworks too. It's bad enough watching the pixie cry."

Rosalie buried her face in Emmett's chest so her words came out muffled, but I still heard them. "I'm not going to cry, Em. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel like it."

"Hey," he said, bringing his fingers to her chin and tipping her face up so that he could look into her eyes, "Jasper and I are going to UW, not Harvard or NYU or some shit like that. We're going to be in Seattle, not thousands of miles away. It's not like you'll never see us again. We'll be home lots. We promise. Right, Jazz?"

"Yes. Absolutely. We'll come home for lots of weekends. And then there's Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are tons of college students who don't get to come home for every holiday, but luckily that's not the case with us. You're going to see so much of Em and me that you'll be sick of us!"

"We'll be here to give you ladies the New Year's kisses you deserve. That one goes for you too, Swan. If you think I'm going to pass up a free chance at those luscious lips, you're sadly mistaken." Emmett ducked before Rosalie could hit him that time. He'd been expecting it.

She just laughed at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, laying her head on his shoulder. Rosalie understood that any kiss Emmett would give me would be strictly of the brotherly variety. Honestly, Emmett and I both knew that the idea of a real kiss between us – you know, the swapping of spit with tongues involved kind – made us more than a little nauseous. Rose got that, but she just couldn't resist at least attempting to smack Emmett in a show of keeping him in line. It's just how they worked.

"After that," Jasper added, "Spring Break will be here before you know it, and we'll all be together for an entire week."

_Cue the beginnings of my panic attack._

"And I'm officially announcing Wild Turkey II right now and attendance is mandatory!" Emmett cast a thoughtful glance at me. "I guess we should start working on your excuse now, Bella. Maybe with seven months to come up with one, we might be able to think of something the Chief will buy."

_There it is: cold sweat, shortness of breath, chest pains…yep, a full-blown panic attack. Oh, how I haven't missed you…not one fucking bit!_

I swallowed hard. I couldn't put this off anymore. Here was the moment of truth.

"Umm… Actually, that won't be necessary, Em," I said in a voice barely above a whisper. Maybe if I said it really quietly, nobody would even hear me.

"Oh? And why is that Bella?" Alice asked.

_Well, there goes that theory._

"Is the Chief planning another fishing trip this year?" Emmett wanted to know. "If so we can just plan the party around him.

"Uh, no. That is, I don't know. I mean… I'm not exactly sure what Dad's plans are."

I chanced a look around and saw that I had everyone's undivided attention now. I was babbling like an idiot, and they all knew that meant I was hiding something.

"Just tell us, Bella!" Rose demanded. "You're killing me with the suspense here."

"It's just that…" I paused and Rose raised her eyebrow at me, giving me her patented death glare. "I kind of won't be here for Spring Break," I finished in a lame mumble.

"You won't be here?" Jasper asked suspiciously. "Just where _will _you be?"

"Ummm… England?" I asked rather than stated.

"You're leaving the fucking country?" Emmett shouted incredulously.

I flinched. "Uh, yes?"

_Way to be assertive there, Bella!_

_Shut up! If you hadn't noticed I'm frickin' dying over here!_

"Bella, how long have you been planning this trip?" Edward's velvet voice and calm demeanor were soothing after Emmett's outburst. But Edward's tranquil questioning just underscored the palpable hurt and disappointment in his eyes. I couldn't bear to see it, so I looked away.

"Since last January." I chanced a quick glance at him, and saw that he was nodding. It seemed as if he'd already suspected, and I'd just confirmed his guess.

"You're going on the Junior/Senior trip." He wasn't asking. He knew the answer. But I think he just wanted to hear me say it out loud.

"Yes, I am."

"Why didn't you tell us about this before now, Bells?" Alice asked me. I looked at her and saw the same hurt and disappointment reflected in her eyes as I'd seen in Edward's.

God, why was I such a fuck up? If I had to be good at one thing in my life, why did it have to be hurting the people I cared about? I didn't mean to. Really, I didn't! So why had I been cursed with this one talent to constantly harm everyone around me?

"I…I don't know." I said softly.

I looked around again at the faces of all my friends. It was a cop out, and they all knew it. I could see they did.

After a few moments, Jasper finally broke the silence that had been pressing in on me from all sides. "Well, you're going, and now we know. I hope you have a good trip, Bella. We'll miss you."

"Yeah," Emmett added, "Wild Turkey won't be the same without you, but with enough booze, I guess we'll muddle through." The little half-smile he tried to force, but didn't quite achieve, stabbed straight through to my heart.

Alice tactfully changed the subject then, and they all seemed relieved to follow her lead. Everyone joined in the conversation gratefully…everyone but me, of course. I was too busy taking stock of the damage I had just left in my wake. All that carefree happiness that I'd been observing in my friends lately was magically gone again. Thanks to me. I felt what little progress I'd thought I'd made in the last two months vanish without a trace as well. And there it was once more, the self-loathing that I had thought was slowly dissipating, back and just as strong as ever. I gasped as its weight settled over me again.

"Hey."

I looked up to see Edward turned towards me, concern clearly written in his eyes.

"Will you take a walk with me, Bella?" he asked. When he saw my hesitation he added, "Come with me. Please?"

Could I ever resist him? Well, I hadn't had much success with that in the past, and I knew I certainly wasn't going to start finding the will to do so now. So, I simply nodded and let him help me up.

The rest of the gang didn't remark on our leaving. Jasper just gave us a small wave as we passed. And Emmett seemed to communicate something to Edward with his eyes as we walked by him. I wasn't able to interpret what was silently being said between them, but I noticed Edward's subtle nod of acknowledgement and understanding.

Once we'd put a little distance between us and everyone else, Edward took my hand and settled it into the crease of his elbow. His action surprised me, and I was torn about whether or not I should allow this physical contact to continue.

On one hand, it felt really good to be touching him. The feel of his skin under my fingers acted as a balm to my turbulent emotions, and part of me liked that a lot.

But on the other hand, my head was telling me this was a bad idea. I mean, I'd taken his arm like this before, and it had never been a big deal. However, when this kind of thing had happened in the past, it had always been done when we were just joking around together. In this context it seemed different somehow, more intimate. Of course, it wasn't like we were holding hands or anything. Still, it seemed like we were skating too dangerously close to that line that I could never let myself cross with him.

I had finally decided that the risks outweighed the benefits and was going to pull myself away from him when his hand covered mine and held it securely in place. I looked up at him in surprise and found him looking at me intently.

"Bella, don't," he commanded gently.

"Don't what, Edward? I'm not sure what you're talking about," I lied, tearing my eyes away from his.

"Don't hide yourself away from me again. I thought we were past that."

"We are. I mean, we were." I inhaled deeply and exhaled in a rush. "Okay, I don't even know what I mean."

"Bella, you've told me so much. Shared so much of yourself with me. Why didn't you tell me about this before now?"

"Honestly?" I asked him.

He nodded, "Of course."

"Well, you didn't ask me."

This was true. So many of our conversations had only come about through his questioning. Although I had been mostly open when answering him, I had actually volunteered very little without his prodding.

"I didn't know to ask."

I wasn't sure what else to say to that, so I said the only thing I could think of, "I know."

"Why else, Bella? There's more to this than just me not asking you about it."

I searched desperately through my brain for something plausible to tell him, some easy lie that he'd believe without question.

And then I stopped.

I was tired of the lies, the secrets. I didn't want to lie anymore, and especially not to him. Edward had more than earned my trust. He had been there for me like nobody else had ever been before. He had done exactly what he'd promised me he would do. He had listened, he had never flinched away from me – no matter how uncomfortable the things I'd told him had made him – and he had not judged.

I sighed in resignation. "I didn't tell you, Edward, because I was afraid that you'd decide to go with me."

The hurt and disappointment that just about killed me flashed in his eyes again. "Oh," he said quietly.

"Listen, you have to understand. When I made my decision to go, I still felt a little smothered by you…"

He interrupted, "By me?"

"Yes. No. I mean, that was supposed to be a collective you. I told you that I had sometimes felt like all of you were handling me with kid gloves and how much I hated it."

It was his turn to sigh now. "Yes, I remember."

"Well, back then I was really feeling the need to escape the watchful eyes of my keepers for awhile."

"And you felt the need to cross a continent and an ocean to do so?"

A wry smile lifted one corner of my mouth, "At the time? Yeah, I guess I did."

"Wait. At the time?" he inquired. "You don't feel that way now?"

"No, I don't feel that way now. I haven't for awhile. But so much time had passed that it just made it that much harder to tell you and the rest of the gang. I knew that I would just end up hurting you guys when I finally came clean, and I just couldn't bear to do it. Haven't I hurt you all enough by now?"

Edward had stopped walking and turned to face me. I had been looking at the hollow at the base of his throat while I was speaking, because I'd been afraid to meet his eyes. But now he brought his hand underneath my jaw and tilted my face up until my brown eyes were locked on his dark green ones.

"Bella? You say that you don't feel that way anymore. What changed?"

He was really pushing my new determination to be honest. But I'd come this far, I might as well just go the whole nine yards. "Well, being able to talk to you, feeling closer to you, it's helped me to see things differently, Edward."

"I've made the difference?" he asked.

"Yes. You…" I paused and licked at my dry lips, buying myself a moment to build my resolve to finish the thought. "You've become my best friend, Edward."

He looked surprised for a moment before a brilliant grin suddenly spread across his face. "Seriously? I'm your best friend?"

"Yep," I said, popping the p. There's nothing like a little silliness to distract from the admission of something completely embarrassing.

"Can I let you in on a little secret?" he asked me.

"Sure. You can trust me, Edward."

"You've become my best friend too, Bella."

I felt a grin that matched his stealing over my features. "Really? I mean, you know just because I said it doesn't mean you have to say it back." I told him fearfully but honestly.

"Yes, really! I've never felt closer to anyone in my life as I've felt to you these past couple of months. Which is why you keeping this trip a secret from me kind of scared me. It made me think that maybe we weren't as close as I had thought. Bella, please don't push me away. Not now. You really can tell me anything. I'm not saying that it won't sometimes hurt me or that I'll always understand. But I promise I'll always be there…no matter what."

I hadn't realized that a tear had escaped from the corner of my eye until he reached up and wiped it away.

"Now," he said resolutely, "I think this declaration of mutual best friendship needs some gesture to seal the deal."

I was wary of the sudden mischievous glint in his eye. "What did you have in mind?"

His grin instantly morphed into a wicked, evil one that would have made even Emmett proud. "French kiss?"

My mouth dropped open. "Edward Anthony Cullen!" I smacked his arm for good measure before giving in to laughter.

"Hey, best friend I may be, but I'm also still a guy," he laughed. "And you can't blame a guy for trying."

"Okay, I can accept that. But that still doesn't get you a kiss."

He stuck his bottom lip out and pouted at me, and I was pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. "No? Well, how about a hug?"

Luckily it only took a moment for me to catch my breath again, and I was able to answer him smoothly, "I think I can handle a hug."

As Edward's arms slipped around me, I rested my head on his chest so that I could feel the warmth of his skin against my cheek and hear the beat of his heart under my ear. Feeling myself give into the embrace, I was again reminded of just how far Edward and I had come in a few short weeks. How could feeling so strongly about another person possibly be wrong? It wasn't, was it? It just couldn't be. If I didn't think, if I just let myself be, what I found in his arms was a sense of peace that had eluded me for so long now.

It felt good.

It felt right.

Well, that is, it did…if I ignored the uneasy sense of doom that lay beneath it.

He _had_ been joking about that kiss. Hadn't he?

* * *

Confused? If you are, that's not necessarily a bad thing, because Bella is as confused as hell. Her emotions and thoughts are changing slowly, but it's a process. I wanted to give you a glimpse at what's going on inside her head still, and give you a contrast between how she felt about things a few months ago and how she feels now.

Just a reminder, I post teasers of both the textual and musical varieties on the On a Lonesome Road thread at Twilighted. I'm also there to answer your questions or discuss anything you'd like, story related or not. You might be surprised how silly we've been known to get there, considering OaLR's content.

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0

Chapter 23 will be posted next Tuesday, April 20th.


	23. Cocoon

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 23 – Cocoon

To outsiders I was sure it appeared that my relationship with Edward went from being just friends to developing into something more seemingly at the speed of light. It didn't. Not really. It was just that we already had such a good foundation of friendship, we had liked and respected and cared about each other for so long at that point, that it was almost too easy to deepen that friendship into something even more trusting and intimate.

It had begun with that day at the beginning of June when he took me to lunch. He may have had to drag me along kicking and screaming at times, but he was able to finally get me to talk a little about how I'd been feeling since Mike's death. That was the first time in forever that I had truly shared myself with another person.

But I found myself still holding back with Edward that day. I had gotten out of the habit of telling _anyone _what was really going on with me, and some topics were particularly difficult to discuss with _him_. I mean, I had touched on some pretty scary-to-me issues – we had definitely discussed things that first day that I didn't like admitting, even to myself. However, there were still things that I just couldn't bring myself to actually say out loud. And that was why I had started letting him take the lead whenever our conversations delved into dark and dangerous territory. It was easier for me to just answer his questions than it was to try and bring up painful topics myself.

As funny as it sounded, letting him guide the discussion was my way of maintaining a bit of control. When he would ask me things, it allowed me to take my time and actually think about my answers. I was always as honest as I possibly could be…without telling him anything that I didn't want him to know. And this format gave me the chance to craft my responses in the way I wanted. That way I was less likely to accidentally tell him too much, because honestly, the very thought of what I could let slip if I opened my mouth and just started talking to him made me shudder. No, I had decided that things were better this way. My natural tendency toward word vomit could only lead to very bad things where Edward Cullen was concerned.

So, I guess you could say that my new friendship with Edward had begun on a cautiously optimistic note. Okay, maybe optimistic was not the first word that anyone would apply in connection with me at that stage of my life. I suppose it would be a more apt to say that it was nice to have Edward willing to listen, but I was pretty sure I couldn't tell him _everything_, regardless of what he'd promised me.

Then, he had spent the day with me on the anniversary of Mike's death. And he had done everything in his power to take care of me. He hadn't just gone away when I didn't come to the door. He'd found a way in, because he knew that I needed him. He'd listened to me, and held me, and had even pushed me when I needed him to. He'd soothed me as I cried over another boy in his arms. How many guys were willing to do that? I was pretty sure there weren't that many. Edward was special. I knew that. And I loved him all the more for it.

I had felt our friendship grow and deepen that day. We weren't "just friends" after that. How could we be? Our relationship meant so much more to me than that. And in the weeks that followed, the title of friend seemed much too bland for what Edward had become to me.

Edward had unquestionably become my confidante. We spent more and more of our time together, most of it just talking. And when we weren't together, we were usually on the phone with one another. My parents were torn between cringing over the cell minutes I was clocking in and wanting to have their own chance at our land line. Eventually my dad had compromised with me and said I could talk on the home phone until nine, and then use my cell phone when the free minutes kicked in. It was more reasonable than I expected my dad to be over the situation, but I think he was just happy to see me engaging in life again.

At first, my conversations with Edward centered on Mike. He asked me more questions about the day Mike died, and sometimes it felt like he was uncomfortably close to the truth. Somehow, though, I'd managed to avoid admitting anything too embarrassing to him.

Then, he'd branched out to wanting to know more about the guys I'd gotten involved with. This time, I did admit more than I probably should have. One day, as we sat together on my parents' living room sofa, I explained to him that it went deeper than just wanting to feel good – although that was a huge part of it – but that it also felt safe to me. I could tell from his expression that he was working really hard to bite his tongue. I could see just how badly he wanted to explode at my use of the word "safe." Instead, probably inwardly reminding himself of his promise not to judge, he'd asked me to explain.

"Well, Edward, I did long to feel good for awhile. And disconnecting my brain and just letting my body respond while I was with someone certainly achieved that."

I wasn't looking at him, but I did hear an audible gulp.

"But how can you claim that that made you feel safe, Bella? Were you safe with Demetri when he had you backed into a corner? And just exactly how safe did you feel when James tried to force himself on you? I mean, I'm not judging…"

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow, making it clear I thought he was full of shit.

"I'm not! Really! It's just I want to make sure you understand just how dangerous that kind of thing can be. I just don't get this "safe" thing that you're claiming."

I was starting to get more than a little angry with him, so I may have been blunter than I usually would have been. "It was safe, because I felt nothing for them, Edward. I've learned that caring about someone gets you hurt. Emotions are messy – it's better just not to feel anything at all. The physical is safe, because you don't allow someone else power over you, the power to damage you beyond repair. It's better not to give of yourself, to care, to love, because what is left of you when it all goes horribly wrong? It's best to just give my body, because then at least I still have my mind and my soul intact when it's all over."

Edward's skin suddenly looked a little green. "Bella, you _are _still a virgin, right?"

This again? Exactly how many times would I be forced to have this conversation? "Why are you all so concerned with the state of my virtue?"

Edward's brow furrowed. "All?"

"Well, I've already had this discussion with Emmett, and I kind of had it in more general terms with Jasper. I'm not sure I'm understanding what the fascination is with this particular topic."

"Bella, I notice that you're not answering my question. I didn't think it was that difficult. It does only require a yes or no answer."

"Okay, but seriously, could you just explain to me why you guys seem to be so worried about whether or not my maidenhead has been breached?"

"Alright, I'm pretty sure I know what you mean by maidenhead, but where did you get that term?"

"Romance novels," I said like he should have known that.

"O-kay," he said like he was humoring a crazy person. "But I've still noticed that you're not answering the question."

"Well, you never answer any of mine, so... Just tell me why the males of my acquaintance are so obsessed with my chastity or lack thereof. 'Cause when the girls and I talk about this stuff, they're never so worried about my virginity as they are with preparing me for what to expect when I lose it."

Edward's skin abruptly returned to a healthier looking color, and he let out a breath he'd apparently been holding. "_When_ you lose it?"

I knew I would never get my question answered if I didn't just give him what he wanted, so I finally gave in. "Yes, Edward, I'm still Hymenally Challenged."

"Alright, and where did you come up with that one?" The poor boy looked completely confused.

"Clueless," I said as if this explained everything, which it did in my estimation.

"Ah, of course. The I Ching of teenage girls…or so I've been told."

"You know it, babe," I chuckled. "Now can you please finally answer my question?"

Edward looked away from me. "I don't know, Bella. I guess that none of us wants to see you get hurt."

My heart clenched painfully in my chest. "I've already been hurt, Edward. I'm already broken. So, I really don't think your argument holds up."

"Bella, I know that you're hurting. But the pain you're dealing with makes you vulnerable. Emmett, Jasper, and I are guys. We know how guys think. Now, there are good guys out there who would never dream of taking advantage of a girl in your situation. But there are just as many sleazebags like James out there who have no problems with taking advantage. They're predators, looking to exploit any weakness. They don't care about you. All they care about is satisfying their own needs or having bragging rights over their friends. We just don't want to see you give away something so special to someone like that."

I scoffed. "Edward, you act like I'm some great prize. I'm not. My virginity is just something that has to be gotten rid of sooner or later, and it won't really matter who I give it to."

Without warning, Edward's hands were tightly wound around my upper arms in a grip that was almost painful, and he turned me to face him. "Isabella Swan, you listen to me! You are a gift. No, you're more than that. You're a treasure. Don't talk about just giving yourself away as if it doesn't matter, as if _you_ don't matter! You do matter, Bella. And I hope that when you do finally share yourself that way with a man, that you do it out of love. You deserve no less than that!"

Edward's hold on my arms loosened, and he pulled me into a hug. "I know how you feel right now. But Bella, you're not always gonna feel that way. Some things can't be taken back. Some consequences are permanent. Don't make decisions now that you might later come to regret. Please, give yourself time, allow yourself to heal."

I felt the damp material of his t-shirt against my cheek. I was crying on him yet again. When would he get sick of me? When would he figure out that I was a waste of his time? I was sure it would be soon.

"Bella," Edward pulled back from me, and I looked up at him in question, "when you find the right guy, there's no doubt in my mindthat you will be worthy of him. Just make sure that _he _is worthy of you."

The intensity of his gaze held me prisoner and penetrated right through to my soul.

"I hope that guy will realize just how lucky he'll be to have you, Bella. What I wouldn't give…" Edward stopped and suddenly looked away.

Released from his gaze and frightened by the implications of his words, I returned my head to his shoulder to guard my expression. Frankly, he scared the shit out of me when he said things like that. I knew it made no sense. He was, more than ever, the man I loved. And there were times like this when it seemed that maybe I hadn't managed to kill all of his feelings for me yet. Was it completely insane to even entertain the idea that we should be together? Could he care for me still? Was it possible? If so, then there was a chance that we could be deliriously happy together. But everything inside of me screamed that I couldn't take the risk. My very survival depended on never letting Edward into my heart. Well, no deeper into my heart than he'd already infiltrated.

We were silent for several minutes as he just held me. But a nagging thought led me to finally speak. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Are you?"

"Am I what?" he asked.

"Still a virgin."

"Oh." He paused for a few seconds before continuing. "Why do you want to know?"

I almost growled in frustration, "Oh hell no! We're not reversing roles and starting this argument all over again. Quit dodging the question! I showed you mine, now it's only fair if you show me yours."

I could hear the wicked edge to his voice and knew he was wearing his sexy smirk. "Okay, I am absolutely positive that I'd remember if you'd shown me yours, Bella. Now, if you really want to see mine that badly, all you had to do is ask."

_Oh. My. God._ _He really just said that, didn't he? _I felt myself blush for the ten millionth time of my life. "Christ, Edward, have you been taking lessons from Emmett or something? Because you sound just like him."

"Why, thank you…I think," he laughed.

"You can stop stalling now and answer my question."

I heard him sigh heavily. "Yes, Bella. I'm still a virgin too."

"So you and Tanya never…" I let my question trail off.

I felt Edward's body tense. "Umm…no. We didn't. I mean, she wanted to. But…"

I pulled back from him again. "But?"

There was pain in the depths of his eyes. "I just couldn't take that away from her too, Bella. I…" He paused and took a deep breath. "I had taken almost two years of her life – time when she could have been looking for someone who would have loved her like she deserved. I know that you have a very good reason to hate her…but honestly, she wasn't always like that. I sincerely thought I was doing what was best for everyone at the time. Well, everyone but me. I knew that I was miserable. But I thought I deserved it for not being what Tanya needed me to be. I loved her so much as a friend, Bella, that it really hurt me that I couldn't love her like she wanted me to. And then I met you and… Well, I guess that doesn't matter now."

I felt a stab of pain through my chest at his words.

Edward reached up and smoothed my hair away from my face. "Bella, I do have to apologize for how I acted towards you back then. I know I was a first-class jerk. I realize it's not much of an excuse, but my head was just not in a very good place at the time. And I didn't know for sure if you felt anything other than friendship for me. So I talked myself into believing that I was the only one being hurt. God, I was such an ass!"

In typical Bella fashion, I broke into inappropriate giggles. "Are you looking for an argument from me, Edward? Because you're not going to get one."

Thankfully, Edward laughed too. "No, I wasn't looking for an argument. But I was kind of hoping you wouldn't be so quick to agree with me either."

I grinned at him, but then a thought occurred to me and I felt the grin melt from my lips. "What about after Tanya, Edward? You guys broke up almost a year ago. Hasn't there been anyone since that you wanted?"

My question seemed to make him uncomfortable, and he cleared his throat nervously before he answered me. "Well, sure. Of course. I'm a guy – I do feel those urges from time to time. But I'm not the type who just requires a warm, willing body. I guess that meaningless sex just isn't my style. So until I can truly make love with someone, I'd rather just do without."

Part of me was happy to hear him say that. It was good to know that my judgment wasn't completely screwed up after all. I'd always believed that Edward was one of the good guys…even on those few occasions he'd given me reason to doubt it. It meant a lot to me to know for sure that he wasn't the kind of guy who was just out to get laid at any cost. Still, something about what he'd said was bothering me.

"What if you never find someone to love, Edward? Don't you ever worry about that?"

He gave me a sad smile. "Oh, I don't think loving someone will be the problem for me, Bella."

I was curious. "So what will be the problem?"

"Getting her to say yes," he said quietly.

This time I was the one who felt uncomfortable. And as was typical with me, I tried to cover it up with humor. "I really don't think that would be much of a problem for you, Edward. I mean, have you looked in a mirror lately?"

He chuckled darkly, "It might be a bigger problem than you think, Bella. Believe me."

I finally pulled myself out of his arms. I'd been letting him hold me for much too long to use simple comfort as an excuse any longer. I sat up straight and gave him a wistful smile of my own. "No, Edward. I don't believe that for a second. When you find the right girl for you, she'll jump at the chance to be yours. She'd have to be out of her mind to say no to you."

"Sometimes circumstances aren't always what we'd wish them to be. You know that better than anyone, Bella. I hope someday that I will get really lucky and the stars will align in just the right way." Edward glanced at his watch and then stood.

He reached out his hand for mine and helped me to stand beside him. I was distracted by what he'd just said, so I forgot to let go of his hand for an extra few moments. "And then?" I asked.

"And then I _will _make her mine, and I'll never let her go." As I looked up at him, I could see the promise in his eyes. He meant every word he'd said. "Bella, I should go. I'll call you later?"

"Sure. I'll be here," I told him.

"I hope so," he said before pressing his lips firmly to my forehead. "Take care of yourself, love."

~*~

There were times when Edward and I talked into the wee small hours of the morning. Sometimes, it was because I was afraid to be alone or to go to sleep. Sometimes, I would wake up from nightmares at two or three o'clock in the morning and wake Edward from a sound sleep with my frantic calls.

One night, I tried to get through a particularly bad bout of depression without him. I felt like I'd burdened him too much with my problems and was afraid that he was just going to get sick of me. I was terrified that my clinging was going to chase him away, and I'd lose him altogether. So I laid there in the dark and tried to struggle through the feelings of hopelessness and desolation on my own. I tried, I really did. But the weight of despair grew steadily worse until I started making my mental trip down the hall, thinking about the razor blades or the contents of the pill bottles in the medicine cabinet with longing. That's when I finally reached for my phone. He answered on the second ring.

"Bella?" His voice was thick with sleep. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand, the lighted digital numbers telling me it was almost two.

"God, Edward, I'm so sorry! I woke you up again, didn't I?" I said, feeling completely miserable.

"Don't worry about it, sweetheart. I'm here whenever you need me. Now, tell me what's wrong."

I started to cry.

"Bella, shhh, I'm here. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together. Just tell me."

I gulped in a few deep breaths of air, trying to calm down enough to talk to him. "Edward, I…I've just felt so completely lost tonight. I've tried to pull myself out of it, but I just can't."

"Why didn't you call me sooner, babe?" he asked softly.

"I don't know," I evaded.

"Bella," he said in a stern I'm-not-buying-it voice.

"I just feel like I rely on you too much, Edward. You've got to be tired of listening to me whine by now. I just keep waiting for you to tell me you've had it with me."

"Listen to me. That's never going to happen. I'll always be here for you, love. Now, what happened? Why were you feeling so lost?"

"I honestly don't know what triggered it. You know how I've told you that things just seem a thousand times worse at night sometimes?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's how I felt tonight. It started out as an emptiness in my chest, like there was a hole of nothingness where my heart was supposed to be. Then, I started to feel waves of guilt washing over me. And the guilt just brought on that self-loathing that I've gotten so good at. The feelings just kept building on one another until I was overwhelmed by them all. It just hurt so much. I just wanted the pain to stop. So I…" I stopped speaking. How did I confess this out loud to him?

"So you what, Bella?" I could hear the suspicion in his tone.

"This isn't easy for me to say," I told him.

"I don't think it's going to be easy for me to hear either. But I want to know."

"I did what I always do when I think about wanting the pain to stop. I started imagining what it would be like to walk down the hallway to the bathroom, open up the medicine cabinet door, and then…" I paused, unsure if I could actually force this through my lips.

"And then?" he prompted.

Suddenly I felt very detached and calm, and it made telling him so much easier. "And then I choose which way to end my pain. Pills sometimes. But most often I use a razor blade to slit my wrists. I can actually see it happening. I watch the blood drain into the sink. That way always seems more fitting to me. I spilled _his_ blood, it's only right to spill mine. What do you think, Edward?"

"I think you're scaring me right now, Bella. Christ, don't say things like that! Please. I can't even think about losing you."

The fear and pain so clearly audible in his voice snapped me out of my horrible detachment. Once again I felt tears slip down my cheeks. "I'm sorry, Edward. I don't know what made me say that."

"It's alright, Bella. You were just being honest with me. I want you to be able to tell me when you're dealing with this kind of stuff. And next time I don't want you to wait until things get overwhelming before you call me, okay?"

I sighed in defeat, "Okay."

"Promise me?"

"Yes, Edward. I promise."

He spent the next two hours on the phone with me, talking me through the suicidal thoughts. From then on, whenever I felt myself starting to make that mental trip down the hall, I'd call Edward. Talking to him would keep the thoughts from getting stuck in their eternal loop in my head. I felt that he'd saved not only my sanity on those nights, but I sincerely believed that he might have saved my very life.

He had become my protector in ways that Emmett or Jasper had never dreamed of being. I mean, I knew that Emmett and Jasper loved me as a friend and a kind of substitute little sister. They'd stood up for me and looked out for me and given me advice. And Edward had certainly done all of those things at one time or another too. But with Edward it was just different. Certainly, I had never seen him in a big brother way like I had Emmett and Jasper, and I was positive that Edward had never seen me as a little sister either. No, Edward's protectiveness was of another type altogether – like a man shielding a woman he cares about. It went deeper than simple friendship. He went out of his way to take care of me, to shelter me, to comfort me, and to anchor me. He was determined to bring me out of the darkness, and slowly, I began to feel like he was succeeding. With Edward there to protect me, I wasn't quite so afraid to venture into the light again.

It was difficult for me though. I was still wary of opening myself up again, of trusting again, of…loving again. It constantly seemed as if I were taking one step forward and then two steps back. I knew it had to be hugely frustrating for him at times, but Edward never complained and very rarely even lost his temper with me. Often I felt like a wounded animal, and with every loving word and gesture Edward was my savior trying to carefully coax me out of hiding so that he could tend me. I just hoped I didn't strike out in pain and fear and destroy him in the process. That would be just like me, wouldn't it?

Still, I felt him every day battering my defenses. Every time I reached out for him and he was there for me, I felt my walls crumble just a little bit more. Every touch calmed my ravaged spirit. And every kindness was a respite for my damaged soul. Gradually, Edward was wearing me down.

So, Edward and I grew closer and closer as the weeks went by. My last secret that didn't have to do directly with me being in love with him – the trip to England – was revealed that night in August, and we'd finally put a label on what our relationship had become. Best friends. But something still wasn't right with that title. When I said it to myself it just didn't feel right. Was Edward my best friend? Absolutely, without question. There was no one on earth dearer to me than him. And maybe that was the problem. Even "best friend" didn't adequately describe what Edward meant to me. I never let myself get beyond that point in my analysis of the problem, however, because I knew that path led to dangerous territory. Best friend was as good a title as any, and why did Edward and I have to label ourselves anyway?

The first week of September brought with it the beginning of our junior year to Rosalie, Alice, Edward and me. It definitely wasn't easy for any of us. It was our first time navigating through the daily grind of Forks High without Emmett and Jasper with us. It almost felt as if part of us had been amputated. It just wasn't the same. We all felt lonelier, even though the four of us were still together. But even though I sincerely missed having Emmett and Jasper there, I was finding this year to be infinitely easier to live through than last. With Edward firmly by my side, nothing seemed as scary anymore. Even when I intercepted evil glances from Tanya, Jessica, and Lauren – yes, the unholy trio was still together – they just didn't have the same impact on me that they once had had. Being with Edward gave me the confidence to hold my head up again.

_Wait. What did you just say? "Being _with_ Edward?" Obviously, I just heard you incorrectly, right?_

_Well, not being _with _Edward. Of course I'm not _with_ Edward. I meant being friends with Edward. Yeah, that's what I meant._

_Hey, whatever gets you through the night, babe._

_Oh, shut up! I'm ignoring you._

_Yeah, I've noticed that lately. Can you explain to me exactly why that is?_

_Well, I would. But it kind of negates the whole ignoring thing now, doesn't it?_

I was saved from any further argument with myself when I heard Edward calling my name. I'd just walked out of my last period American History class and was on my way to my locker for the final time that day. I turned and saw him hurrying towards me. In a few long strides, he had caught up to me, and we began walking again together.

"May I walk you to your locker, Miss Swan?" he asked me formally.

"You may, Mr. Cullen," I replied in an equally formal tone.

"And may I, in turn, escort you to your locker, Mr. Cullen? You know, since yours happens to be right next to mine and all," I said finally giving up the formality and laughing.

"It would be an honor, Miss Swan," He said in his overly polite manner before joining in laughter with me. "Okay, maybe I laid it on a bit thick that time."

I grinned at him. "Just a bit, Edward. But you know I love your cornball routine."

"I know. Why else do you think I do it? It always makes you smile." He gestured at the wide grin on my face. "See. That's worth putting myself through abject humiliation for."

"I wouldn't really call that _abject_ humiliation, Edward. I don't think you can claim any more than slight embarrassment…and of the cute and endearing variety too."

"Are you mocking my pain?" he asked me with mock severity.

"Not at all," I answered with an amused smirk.

"Good, because we have something more serious to discuss."

"And what would that be?"

"Your birthday, Bella. I'm taking you out next Saturday night for your birthday. It's not every day my best girl turns seventeen, after all."

I knew that he was just continuing the game we'd been playing, so I didn't let him calling me _his_ girl bother me. "I don't turn seventeen until Monday though."

"Do you honestly think I'm going to convince the Chief to let me take you out on a Monday night, Bella? Even if it is your birthday?"

"Hmm… You have a good point. Dad doesn't like me going out on weeknights anyway, and he has this whole idea that my birthday should be celebrated as a family. I think it's starting to hit him that I've only got two birthdays left as 'his little girl.'"

"So Saturday?" he asked.

"What about the rest of the gang, Edward? Are we doing a big thing with all of us?"

"Emmett and Jasper are coming home after their last class on Friday. They were hoping that we could all get together Friday night to celebrate your birthday at the clearing. I was…kind of hoping that Saturday could just be you and me. Is that alright?"

"Of course. I'm looking forward to it," I said before a horrifying thought occurred to me. "Wait a minute. You're not going to use my birthday as an excuse to spoil me, are you, Edward Anthony?" I asked, raising my eyebrow at him.

He laughed. "Only rotten, Isabella Marie. And you're going to like it."

~*~

Friday night had been…interesting. It wasn't that I didn't have fun. I did! I always loved the weekends when Emmett and Jasper came home. It was great having my boys back, and I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Alice and Rosalie were always so much happier when Jasper and Emmett were with them. When the boys were home, Alice and Rosalie smiled the entire time. I was sure their cheeks ached after forty-eight straight hours of grinning from ear to ear, but they never complained. And when the six of us were back together, everything felt whole and right again. So, having the boys back to celebrate my birthday had been fantastic! But…

Well, I wasn't sure exactly how to describe the weirdness. Have you ever felt like there was subtext going on that you just didn't get? Or maybe you've been in a room where everyone seemed to know something that you didn't? Yeah, it was kind of like that.

I didn't really let it bother me too much. We were celebrating my birthday after all. I really just wanted to forget all the angst and have a good time. The undercurrent of whatever the hell was going on wasn't that noticeable anyway. I would just catch strange looks passing between my friends from time to time. Normally, I probably would have been worried about what had them acting that way, but I just couldn't seem to make myself care. The truth was I was too happy being with Edward to let anything spoil my good mood.

I knew that Edward and I had been a little wrapped up in each other lately. Well, since June really when we began this new phase of our relationship. But things had only intensified in the month since we'd agreed that we were best friends. We'd spent as much time together as possible, and even when we were with our other friends, I knew we tended to tune everyone else out just a bit. The best friend declaration had finally given me the sense of security to just not worry about how physical Edward and I were with each other. And just as he'd done with my emotional detachment, Edward had eroded my defenses when it came to physical boundaries as well. Hugs of comfort had given way to embraces for no reason at all other than we were together and happy to be in one another's company. Walking arm in arm had gone from something that worried me just over a month ago, to being commonplace. We'd even held hands a few times when he'd thought I especially needed the extra comfort. Kisses to the top of my head – which was something that Emmett had been known to do on occasion too – had gradually become kisses to my forehead, then my temple, then my cheek, and even a time or two on the tip of my nose.

Our new physicality wasn't something that the rest of the gang had seen before. Emmett and Jasper had been in Seattle every Monday through Friday since the end of August. Alice and Rosalie mostly saw us at school where we pretty much kept our hands to ourselves because of the rules. But mostly this was true because it was something that had developed between us when we were alone together. So at one point during the night, when Edward wrapped his arm around my waist, I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he pressed his lips to my forehead, it just felt natural for us to do so. And yet, when I'd finished relishing in the warmth of his closeness and opened my eyes, I'd intercepted more cryptic looks flying between our friends.

As the night wore on, the gang had presented me with a bunch of cupcakes pushed together and decorated to look like a real cake. They were chocolate with white buttercream frosting, my favorite, and they put a single candle in my cupcake for me to make a wish on. It wasn't lost on me that this was exactly the same low-key birthday celebration I'd requested from them two years ago. I wondered idly which one of them had remembered, but I had a sneaking suspicion I already knew.

After we'd finished the cupcakes, I'd opened presents from everyone but Edward. Emmett, of course, noticed and felt the fucking need to comment on it.

"Hey, Cullen! You cheap out on our girl or what?"

"No, Emmett. I did not cheap out on my girl. She'll receive her gift from me tomorrow, that's all."

"Oh yeah? What's up with tomorrow?" Emmett asked.

Everyone looked between Edward and me with curious expressions. I was a little curious myself. I would have thought he'd have already told them about our plans.

"Bella and I are going out. She's agreed to let me spoil her for her birthday." Edward grinned at me.

I felt myself returning his grin but wasn't prepared to give in without a fight. "I don't recall any such agreement, Edward. I remember you saying that you wanted to spoil me, but I never said I'd allow it."

"And I remember saying that I was going to spoil you rotten and that I wasn't giving you any other choice but to like it." As he spoke, Edward slipped his left arm back around my waist while with the index finger of his right hand he lightly tapped the end of my nose for emphasis. "Besides, I made reservations at La Bella Italia. You're not really going to make me cancel them, are you?"

I had reached up and grabbed his hand, the one he'd used to tap my nose. I knew that shit would have annoyed me if anyone else had done it, but with Edward it just made me feel happy. And maybe because Edward had distracted me by revealing where we were going, I didn't realize that I'd entwined my fingers with his and rested them on my knee. "You just don't fight fair, Mr. Cullen. You know that's my very favorite restaurant ever. How can I resist such an invitation?"

"I never claimed to fight fair, Miss Swan. And the answer to your question is simple, you can't resist my invitation. You don't even want to try now, do you?" His emerald eyes twinkled with mirth and mischief, and I was sure my eyes contained an answering sparkle.

I laughed. "You know me too well, Mr. Cullen. I accept your gracious invitation to dinner."

He cocked an eyebrow at me in challenge. "And the spoiling? I'm afraid it's part of a package deal with the dinner invitation. You can't accept one and decline the other."

"Ah well, when you put it that way… I'm sure I could suffer through being spoiled rotten for one night."

Edward and I spent I don't know how long just smiling into one another's eyes when I suddenly became aware that an unnatural silence had descended around us. I reluctantly broke my gaze from his and looked around at the rest of our friends. Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper were all sitting there, staring at Edward and me with their mouths hanging open. My lips twitched as I turned back to Edward. He questioned me with his eyes, and I inclined my head toward the others. We both turned to look at them and in the same instant burst out laughing.

"What's up with all of you?" I asked, still chuckling.

They seemed to snap out of the trance they'd been in then, and they all closed their gaping mouths at almost the same instant. Alice and Rosalie looked away quickly. Jasper cleared his throat. Emmett shook his head minutely as if to clear it.

"It's nothing, baby girl. Just…umm…have a good time tomorrow night."

I smiled widely at my honorary big brother. "Thanks, Em. I'm sure I will."

~*~

Dinner had been perfect. Well, except for the waitress who got so outrageously flirty with Edward that I really wanted to punch her in the throat. Not that I blamed her too much. He was breathtaking in black dress pants that fit him to perfection and a forest green dress shirt and matching tie that made his dark green eyes stand out with startling brilliancy and brought out the red tones in his beautiful bronze hair. It wasn't my empathy with her that saved the waitress from my wrath though. It was Edward who did that without even knowing it. He never even noticed her! He was focused solely on me the entire time. So the flirty waitress was really just a minor glitch in an overall fantastic night. Our conversation was easy and light and fun. There were no uncomfortable silences or dark subjects. We just enjoyed an evening of great food and even better company.

When dinner was over and the waitress asked if we'd like to see a dessert menu, Edward looked at me expectantly.

"Oh, I don't know, Edward. You know me and my sweet tooth, but I really don't think I can eat much more."

"But it's a special occasion, Bella. Come on, you only turn seventeen once," he reminded me. "How about we split something? Surely I can tempt you into just a few bites, right?"

I caved easily. "Okay, Edward. We'll split something. What would you like?" I asked as the waitress handed us each a dessert menu.

"It's your night, you pick," he told me.

"Tiramisu?" I asked because I knew it was his favorite.

"Torta di Cioccolata?" he countered because he knew it was mine.

I smiled at him. "Okay."

The waitress took our order and returned a few minutes later with two spoons and our warm chocolate cake topped with vanilla bean gelato and drizzled with chocolate syrup. Heaven.

We each took our first bite at the same time and moaned. I blushed, and he laughed. "Damn, that's good," he said. "Maybe even better than Tiramisu."

"I'm going to remind you of that the next time we come here," I told him.

He smiled at me. "Please do."

After we finished our dessert, Edward reached under the table and pulled out the silver gift bag that I'd seen him carry in earlier. "I think it's present time, don't you?" he asked, handing me the gift bag.

I pulled out the delicate tissue paper hiding the bag's contents from my eyes and saw a rectangular, wrapped package inside. "Uh, Edward? Why did you put a wrapped package in a gift bag?" I asked amused.

"Shush. It was just easier to carry around that way."

"Whatever you say, babe," I said chuckling. I looked at the beautifully wrapped gift, all the folds precise and crisp, pristinely straight cuts to the paper, an elegant ribbon neatly tied underneath an equally elegant bow. "Did you have this professionally wrapped, Edward? It's almost too gorgeous to open."

"Nope. I wrapped it," he told me.

I just looked at him incredulously.

"Okay, maybe my mom helped a bit."

I raised my eyebrow at him.

"Alright," he conceded, "she wrapped it. But I helped."

I laughed. "And just what did you do exactly, Edward?"

"Handed her the tape," he said, joining in the laughter.

"Uh huh," I said as I carefully slid my finger under the aforementioned tape and began opening the gift. Inside was a book wrapped in a thick cellophane envelope to protect the dark blue leather cover. I could tell just by looking that it was real leather and probably very expensive. The discreet sticker in the bottom corner of the cellophane that declared the book had been "Made in Italy" only reinforced my suspicions. I opened the cellophane envelope and slipped the book out of it. There was an embossed wreath of flowers on the front cover bordered by a decorative design. "Edward, what did you do?" I asked breathlessly. I opened the book and saw heavy cream colored pages that were blank except for the neat lines that covered each page.

"It's a journal. Do you like it?" he asked nervously.

"Of course. It's absolutely beautiful! But it's too much! If you wanted to get me a journal, you could have bought me one at a chain store for less than ten bucks."

"Bella, your thoughts are worth more than that to me. I wanted you to have an equally worthy place to keep them."

I felt tears swim in my eyes, but I blinked them back. "Thank you, Edward. I'll treasure it always."

After Edward paid the check, he held out my chair for me before lightly resting his hand on the small of my back to guide me from the restaurant. I couldn't help the smug smirk I gave the waitress as she watched him walk away with me.

~*~

We were mostly quiet as we left Port Angeles behind us and got closer to Forks. It was a companionable silence though, both of us comfortable with just being together. Just outside of Forks however, Edward turned to me and said, "It's still early yet, Bella. Do you mind if we go somewhere to talk?"

"Of course not, Edward. I'd like that," I answered.

Edward pulled off on a wooded lane and parked at the end of it. He turned the car off, but left the radio playing softly. We turned towards each other and settled in to talk.

"So, did you have a good birthday, love?" he asked me.

I smiled. "Yes, and it hasn't even gotten here yet. I don't even care if everyone forgets on Monday Sixteen Candles style, it'll still be the best birthday I've ever had."

"I'm glad," he said, "I wanted it to be special for you." He reached up then and brushed his fingertips gently across my cheek.

And suddenly, I was just done. I couldn't fight what I felt for him anymore. I was tired of fighting. I just wanted to stop, to give in, to finally have what I wanted for a change.

I held up one hand and beckoned him with my index finger. "Come here," I commanded.

"What?" Edward whispered as his face inched slowly closer to mine.

But seeing him coming closer, knowing that following through on what I really wanted to do would change everything between us, I felt a moment of overwhelming panic. Could I really go through with this after all? And how could I stop it now anyway?

Completely losing my head, I slapped him lightly, playfully on the cheek.

Edward pulled away from me startled. "What was that for?"

"I..uh…just wanted to make sure you were awake," I mumbled lamely.

"Oh, I'm definitely alert now. Thanks," he said with a slight note of sarcasm evident in his tone.

I giggled nervously. "I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No. Believe me, that was nothing compared with the last time you slapped me." He reached up and rubbed his cheek as if he could still feel the impact from when I'd struck him all those months ago.

"Well, I'm not sorry for that one. You deserved it that day." I told him gently.

"I really did," he agreed.

Silence settled between us again, and I tried to figure out where to go from here. I really wanted to try that again and hopefully not chicken out this time, but would Edward come anywhere near me? After I'd just hit him? I took in a bracing breath and decided I had nothing to lose.

"Edward, come here," I said, holding my breath, hoping he would.

He looked at me warily and then came closer…but only closed half the distance between us and then stopped. "What is it, Bella?"

I had a feeling that it was now or never. And he wasn't going to make this any easier on me because of my earlier screw up. If I wanted him, I was going to have to be the one to make the move. But could I do it?

"I was wondering if you could do one more thing for my birthday."

"Anything for you, love. You have only to ask. What is it you want?"

I closed the distance between us and whispered, "Kiss me," against his lips. I didn't wait for him to comply or to reject me before pressing my mouth to his. The kiss was slow and gentle and only lasted a few moments before I pulled back, nervous to gage his reaction.

Edward's eyes were wide as he stared at me in shock.

I sighed in defeat. That was not exactly the response I'd been hoping for.

After several stunned seconds, he finally managed to ask, "Bella, what was that?"

"A kiss?"

"And why exactly did you kiss me?"

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. "I don't know what to tell you, Edward. All of a sudden I just didn't have the strength to stay away from you anymore." I was getting ready to lie and say that it was just a moment of weakness and that it didn't have to change anything between us when his next words stopped me cold.

"Thank God!" he said an instant before his lips crashed into mine.

* * *

Happy Birthday to me! No joke. It really is my birthday. And it's kind of a crappy one because my husband is out of town on business (for the second year in a row). So, I know I said that I would never ask for reviews, but I was hoping that you OaLR fans could help make this day not completely suck and let me know what you thought of the chapter. Thanks, guys!

Huge thanks to Delta, Gemma, Ravyn, and Nina for always being there!

If anyone has any questions or anything you want to discuss, you can find me at the On a Lonesome Road thread on Twilighted. I'll also be posting a chapter 24 teaser there on Friday, April 23rd.

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0

Chapter 24 will be posted next Tuesday, April 27th.


	24. Bliss

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 24 – Bliss

_After several stunned seconds, he finally managed to ask, "Bella, what was that?"_

"_A kiss?" _

"_And why exactly did you kiss me?"_

_I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. "I don't know what to tell you, Edward. All of a sudden I just didn't have the strength to stay away from you anymore." I was getting ready to lie and say that it was just a moment of weakness and that it didn't have to change anything between us when his next words stopped me cold._

"_Thank God!" he said an instant before his lips crashed into mine._

I was overwhelmed by the electrical current that seemed to flow from Edward's lips through mine before it made its way throughout my entire body. The spark. It was still there, and oh, how I had missed it. I had definitely enjoyed other kisses before now. Certainly, other boys I'd been with had known what to do to make my body feel good. But never had I felt this red-hot hunger with anyone else. Only with my Edward.

Although his lips were moving firmly against mine, our lips were, as yet, only slightly parted, our breath mingling together in delicious ways. I loved being able to breathe in my Edward, to share something so elemental, so vital with him. I could taste his essence on my tongue already, and we hadn't even deepened the kiss yet. Slow and careful, almost reverent, but full of passion, Edward poured himself into me through this kiss, and I felt miraculously whole and at peace, even as my body seemed to burst into flame. Only with Edward had I ever felt all of these seemingly conflicting emotions converge together. Everything about Edward felt right.

Finally, his lips parted further, and I gladly followed suit. Hesitantly – out of fear of how he would be received or out of nerves, I wasn't sure which – his tongue teased against mine. I welcomed him whole-heartedly, bringing my tongue unashamedly into play with his, and leaning into his body with mine.

We spent endless moments intertwined with one another…our mouths, our bodies and our souls indistinguishable from each other. I never wanted this to end. With every brush of his lips, every breath we shared, I felt our foundation being built. With every touch of his fingertips on my face, my throat, my hair, he soothed an ache, and inside his strong arms I found sanctuary. Edward was my home, was where I belonged.

"Bella," he said a little breathlessly against my lips, "we should stop."

I growled. I actually fucking growled! "Don't want to!" I told him before claiming his lips with mine once again.

A greedy sound escaped his throat, and he threw himself back into our kiss. I exalted as I ran my fingers through his bronze locks.

All too soon though, he pulled away from me. When I tried to close the distance between us a second time, he pressed his hand lightly to my shoulder to stop me.

"Wait just a minute, Bella. I really think we need to talk, don't you?"

I looked at him in disbelief. "You would rather talk than kiss me?" I couldn't completely keep the note of hurt out of my voice.

He brought his hand to my face, his thumb gently caressing my cheek. "God, no. There's nothing I want more than to just forget everything else and spend this entire night kissing you, love. But I need to know what you're thinking. It's driving me crazy not knowing what's going on in that mind of yours. What does this mean?"

I didn't know what to say. What _did_ this mean? It wasn't exactly like I'd planned this whole thing. It had just sort of happened. I blew out a frustrated breath and leaned back away from him. "Are you asking me for an in-depth analysis, Edward? Because I'm not sure what to say."

"Hey, don't do that," he said softly.

"What?" I questioned, confused.

"Pull away from me. That's definitely not allowed." Edward took my hand and rubbed soothing strokes on the back of it. "I have an idea. Please don't take this the wrong way, Bella, but would you care to join me in the backseat?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Hmm… Yeah, I can't imagine how I could get the wrong idea about a suggestion like that." I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

"Very funny," he chuckled. "No, I still most definitely want to talk, but I want to be able to hold you at the same time. That's a little difficult with a console between us."

I agreed and soon we found ourselves together in the backseat of Edward's Volvo. He pulled me close and cradled me in his arms. He pressed light kisses on my eyes, my nose, my cheeks, and then my lips before looking down at me.

"Now, let's have that talk," he said, his arms squeezing me tighter against him. "Before you kissed me, you said that you didn't have the strength to stay away from me anymore. What did you mean by that?"

I was embarrassed and could feel my cheeks heat up. But I didn't look away from him. "Edward, I've been fighting my feelings for you for so long now. I just couldn't seem to keep it in anymore. It's been exhausting, trying to keep myself in check for all this time."

"Can we start there, Bella? What exactly do you feel for me? And how long are we talking about here?"

"I…I…I," Closing my eyes in mortification that I'd been reduced to a stammering idiot, I paused and took a deep, calming breath. I opened my eyes again and focused solely on his. Allowing myself to become lost in the dancing green fire, I was able to finally say what I needed to. "Edward, I'm in love with you. I always have been."

"Always?" He sighed and absently ran his fingers through his hair. "If that's true, then why did you tell me that you didn't want me last year? I'm not going to lie to you, Bella. You really hurt me that day."

I winced. I hated that I'd caused him pain. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. Honestly, I am. But I just thought it was the best way. Even now I'm scared to death about this, about telling you how I feel. When I told you then that I was no good for you, Edward, I meant it! You've seen what I'm capable of. What if I destroy you the way that I destroyed Mike? I'm still afraid that I poison everything…everyone…that I touch. What if my love does that to you, Edward? How could I live with myself if I did that to you?"

"Bella, baby, you won't! Besides, isn't taking that risk my choice to make? If I choose this, then what happens to my heart is my responsibility, not yours?"

"That's not true, and we both know it, Edward! If I fuck this up, I could inflict so much damage on you. And not just on your heart. I've killed before, Edward. What if I did that to you?"

He took my face between his hands. "Bella, you did _not_ kill Mike, and you won't hurt me. But even if that's the risk, I know it going in. I want this. I want you. I don't care about the consequences. I'd rather be miserable with you than miserable without you."

I smiled wryly, "Gee, thanks."

He chuckled. "You know what I mean." He pressed his lips to my forehead for several long moments. When he looked into my eyes again, his expression had sobered. "I want us to be together, more than anything. But there's something else we need to talk about before we make any decisions."

He was making me nervous. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he wanted to discuss now. "What is it, Edward?" I asked timidly.

"Well, it wasn't just your fear of hurting _me_ that was holding you back, was it, Bella? You were equally afraid of being hurt, weren't you? We've already talked about this, remember? Don't think that you can hide it from me now. Just be honest with me, love. Please."

I knew exactly what he was referring to – the walls that I'd so carefully constructed around my heart. "Yes, Edward. That _was_ a big part of it. I'm terrified of letting myself care again. My feelings for Mike were a pale imitation of what I feel for you, what I have always felt for you. And still my feelings for him almost killed me! What would happen to me if you ever left, Edward? If you decided you didn't want me? If you…die? There will be nothing left of me to put back together again. I know it. I wasn't sure I could ever put myself through that again. I wasn't sure if I could take the risk."

"And now? Have you decided what you want to do? Am I worth it?" he asked.

I looked at the man I loved and knew instantly that I had only one choice, only one answer I could give him. "Yes, Edward. You're worth any risk. Even my sanity. Even my very life. You're worth it. I love you, and I want to be with you."

"Bella," his lips brushed gently, tenderly against mine, "I love you, too. More than you can ever possibly imagine." His lips teased against mine as he spoke lowly, "So, it's official then? You're mine?"

I couldn't help the thrill that emanated from my heart and spread with delicious warmth through the rest of my body at his words. "Yes," I agreed readily, "and you are mine."

~*~

Kissing Edward Cullen was the best thing on this earth. Ever. Without question. Hands down. No contest. Trust me on this, ladies…and you would just have to trust me, because no one but me would ever be kissing Edward again. His lips were perfectly formed, delicately pink, lusciously soft, utterly delectable, and all mine. There was no doubt that the man knew how to use them too. Kissing Edward was a transformative, mind bending, thoroughly addictive experience. And now that I could kiss him whenever I wanted, I just couldn't get enough. Could you blame me?

It wasn't just his lips though. Everything about Edward was divine. His face was so breathtakingly beautiful that I was sure it made the angels weep with envy. His hands were finely boned, but very strong, and have I mentioned just how freaking huge they were? Of course thinking of that just reminded me of a whole conversation with Rosalie and Alice concerning the size of a man's hands and what that portended for other parts of his anatomy – the thought left me week-kneed and maybe just a touch nervous. I loved his hands though, especially when they were located somewhere, anywhere, on me. I could write sonnets about those long, graceful fingers of his alone. Then there was that body of his. Oh, God! That body! Toned muscle; broad shoulders; narrow waist and hips; long, lean thighs…just YUM! The best part about Edward, though, was that from the tips of his gloriously disarrayed sex-hair down to the soles of his size 12 feet, he was mine. Jealous? Good.

I still couldn't believe that Edward and I were together. I mean, really together. None of this "just friends" bullshit anymore. Well, not when we were alone anyway. We hadn't exactly come out to our friends yet though. We were still trying to think of a way to break it to them gently.

I wasn't worried about Alice and Rosalie really. I was reasonably sure that the girls would be doing a happy dance accompanied by ear-piercing squeals when they heard the news.

No, it was the boys I was worried about. I was sure that Emmett and Jasper, Edward's friends, would want to give him high fives or slap him on the back, or some other guy substitute for showing real affection, for finally having the girlfriend he had wanted all along. But I was afraid that Emmett and Jasper, big brother types of yours truly, would be much more inclined to punch Edward in the face when they learned the truth. Exactly how did you tell your surrogate big brothers that you were dating a guy that you wanted to jump in the worst way? Because that was precisely what I wanted – to possess Edward in every way possible. And I didn't think I'd do a very good job of hiding just how much I wanted him…mind, soul, and most definitely body…in front of the gang once the truth came out.

Not that Edward and I had done anything serious yet. We hadn't. But that didn't keep me from wanting to. I had learned through my limited experience that my body was fairly responsive to the attentions of the opposite sex. Every boy I'd been with had managed to make me feel pretty damn good at the time. Nothing in my experience, however, had prepared me in any way, shape or form for how Edward made me feel. I knew that part of it was the immense physical attraction I had for him. There was no denying that Edward was my ideal of male perfection in all physical regards. I wasn't even entirely sure the man was human! He was too goddamned gorgeous to be real! Then there was the spark that existed between us. I couldn't tell you how grateful I was that he'd been right about the spark – it was either there, or it wasn't. And it was most definitely still there between the two of us. I strongly suspected that it always would be. I couldn't ever imagine being blasé about being kissed or touched by Edward. But, I was pretty sure that it wasn't the physical attraction or even the spark that made things between Edward and me as combustible as they were. Don't get me wrong, those things were huge and certainly helped heat things up when we were together, but it was one final ingredient that I think made things with Edward so completely different – better, hotter, and more amazing – than anything I'd experienced before. Simply put, I loved him. And having those emotions mixed in with the physical stuff was more incredible than I'd ever even imagined. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well. But for those of you who have experienced love and lust so tightly intertwined together that you're not sure where one leaves off and the next begins, I think you'll totally get what I'm saying.

And because of the love and the lust I just couldn't seem to control around him, I found myself on a Friday afternoon in October lying on my living room couch with Edward on top of me, kissing me senseless. My hands had moved under his t-shirt, my fingers dug into the muscles of his back, trying to pull him closer. He never seemed to be close enough! Why couldn't he ever get close enough to satisfy my need for him? Believe me, my teenage girl hormones knew the answer, even if my mostly naïve virgin girl brain didn't like to analyze it too closely. God, how I wanted him.

That, of course, was Edward's cue. It always seemed that right when I got to the point when I was ready to throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may, that's when Edward decided we should put the brakes on. It was uncanny really, this sixth sense of his that always seemed to know just when I was about to take things to the next level. I might have found myself a bit in awe of it, if it hadn't turned me into such a quivering mass of sexually frustrated goo.

With three last chaste kisses to my lips, Edward pulled away from me. Taking my hand, he pulled me up to sit beside him. I groaned in protest. "Spoil sport," I grumbled.

Edward laughed. "Come on, Bella. Behave. I'm _trying _to be a good, respectful boyfriend here, a gentleman. A little help from you would be appreciated."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in for another kiss. "Edward."

"Yes, Bella?" he replied.

"Can I give you a helpful tip?" I asked before running my tongue lightly over his bottom lip.

He moaned lowly before answering, "Yes?"

"It's a well-known fact that good girls don't go for the good, respectful boy."

"Really? Good girls don't want the gentleman? I thought that was what every girl wanted – the guy who would always be there for her, the one she could bring home to meet her father, the one who wants a commitment."

I sighed. "No, Edward. That's what girls _say _they want. And I guess it's true, at least on the surface. We want the good guy in all outward aspects, I suppose. But deep down, we all hope that our good guy is really a bad boy at heart. That's what all girls really want – a devil in the bedroom and an angel outside of it."

Edward growled in the back of his throat before he kissed me hard. His hands tangled in my hair as his tongue danced with mine. After several long moments, he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against mine. "So, what you're saying is that it's the old dichotomy of the Madonna and the whore applied to men?"

"What? You thought only men could objectify the opposite sex? Believe me, sweetheart, I do plenty of ogling when it comes to you," I told him.

He grinned. "Well, that I knew."

I chuckled. "And I love that you're such a gentleman, Edward, I do! Most of the time. But when we're together like this, sometimes I wish you weren't so damn respectful."

His grin widened. "I feel so used," he said playfully before kissing me again, gently this time.

When he pulled away from me though, his expression had sobered. "Bella, I want to make love to you. If that's what you want too, I will someday. I promise you that. But things between us are still so new. I just don't think we should rush things. And do you really think that today of all days is a good choice for me to take your virginity? Can you imagine us tonight, standing in front of Emmett and Jasper and looking guilty as sin? They'd figure us out in about two seconds flat, and then you wouldn't have the chance to make me into your own personal sex object anymore, because Emmett and Jasper would rearrange my face and separate me from my appendages – particularly one I have a special fondness for, if you know what I mean."

I winced. "Yikes. You have a point, Edward."

"So, have you figured out a way to break it to them gently, yet?" he asked me.

"Me? You want me to break it to them? What happened to my knight in shining armor all of a sudden?"

"Oh, nothing. I'll be there. I promise, Bella. I'll be right behind you the whole way." Edward said while trying to keep from grinning.

"Coward."

"No. Edward. Say it with me, Ed-ward."

"You think you're really cute, don't you?" I asked.

"Haven't we already established the fact that I'm downright drool-worthy?" He raised an eyebrow at me, daring me to deny it.

"Yes you are, baby. And you're intelligent and charming to boot. I'm such a lucky girl."

"And don't you forget it," he said.

"In fact, you're so brilliant and charismatic, that I'm sure you'll have no problem coming up with an absolutely inspired way of telling Emmett and Jasper that you're planning to deflower their sweet, innocent surrogate little sister."

"Hmm… Maybe I'll just skip over that part when I tell them."

"When _you_ tell them?"

Edward reached out and ran his fingertips along my jaw, making me shiver in a completely good way. "Yes, love. I'll tell them."

I turned my face and pressed my lips to the middle of his palm before looking at him again. "No, Edward. We will tell them together. I would never leave you to face Emmett and Jasper alone. I love you too much for that."

"I love you too, Bella. Alright, together then, just as we always should be," he agreed.

~*~

Edward and I had been enjoying a reprieve from having to break the news to the gang about our new relationship for the last month simply because the boys hadn't had a weekend home since my birthday. We had decided that it really would be best to tell them in person rather than just shooting them an email or telling them over the phone. I know it sounds like we were being brave when we decided to go that route, but I think it was more like classic avoidance on both of our parts. Now that the time had arrived though, I was wondering why we had been so quick to discount delivering this particular news in a more impersonal way. At the moment, long distance was definitely looking more and more attractive to me. In fact, I might have talked myself out of actually following through and telling them if it weren't for Edward. With him by my side, I was sure I could do anything – even face Emmett and Jasper. Or at least, I hoped I could, 'cause my time had run out.

"Edward, are you sure we should do this now? Here? What if they cause a scene? We'll be the talk of Forks High come Monday."

We had driven separately from the gang to the Forks High parking lot so that we could give each other pep talks on the way over. Luckily, we'd been very good about not both panicking at the same time, so we took turns talking each other down. Now it was Edward's turn to reassure me.

"We talked about this, Bella. This is the safest place to do this. I was not going to face Emmett and Jasper down in the clearing. Do you know how easy it would be for them to dispose of my body out there in the middle of nowhere? And I certainly wasn't going to do this in the cemetery. Let's not give them any convenient ideas, shall we?"

That brought a reluctant smile to my lips. "I don't think they're actually going to kill you, my love. They may consider it, but I don't think they'll actually go through with it."

"Just the same, I feel a lot safer with witnesses around. LOTS of witnesses."

"This may just backfire on us. You know what happens when anyone gets into a fight at school. Everyone just circles around and enjoys the carnage. It's the modern day equivalent of throwing the Christians to the lions."

Edward looked at me with wide eyes. "I hadn't thought of that. Maybe you could keep your cell phone out ready to dial 911 if it looks like they're going to murder me. Wait, better yet, you've got your dad on speed dial, right?"

I just stared at him incredulously. "You want me to call my dad to come rescue you? You do realize that if he found out the reason Emmett and Jasper were planning to kill you he'd probably hand them shovels, point them towards the woods, and look the other way, right?"

"Good point. Maybe I should rethink this plan."

We had been sitting in Edward's parked Volvo for way too long having this discussion. I chanced a glance to my right and saw Emmett walking my way with a curious expression on his face.

"Too late," I said a moment before my door was wrenched open.

"What are you two doing in here? Making out?" Emmett said in a joking manner.

_No, Emmett. That was earlier, on my couch._

_Thank God that's a thought that you kept in your brain only. I happen to like Edward's head firmly attached on his shoulders._

_Me too. Now could you please shut up so I can focus on not looking guilty?_

_Pfft, good luck with that._

"We were just talking!" I said way too quickly and emphatically. And after hearing those words come out of my mouth in that way, it was only with great effort that I kept myself from wincing. I was already acting suspiciously, no need to add any more fuel to the fire.

"O-kay," Emmett said, clearly unsure of what to make of my outburst.

"We were finishing a discussion, Emmett. We were just getting ready to join you guys." Edward's voice sounded much less strained than mine had been. The innocent effect was spoiled though, because he just couldn't resist taking my hand in an effort to soothe my nerves.

I looked down at Edward's hand wrapped around mine and then quickly back up at Emmett. He had one eyebrow raised.

_Uh oh._

_Don't freak out! Just play it cool!_

I snatched my hand away from Edward as if his touch had burned me. A glance at him showed me the hurt expression on his face. I felt guilty for making him feel that way, and that made me angry with Emmett.

"If you want me to get out of this car, you need to give me some room, Emmett. You're blocking me in." I said testily.

_Oh yeah, you're a virtual ice queen._

_Remember that thing we discussed a short time ago about you shutting up? Now would be a good time to put that into action._

Emmett raised his hands in a gesture of surrender and backed slowly away from the Volvo. "Forgive me, baby girl. Not to be crude, but exactly what crawled up your butt today?"

I gave him a withering glance. "I'm so glad you decided _not _to be crude." I sighed then as I saw him staring at me in expectation of an actual answer. "I'm sorry, Em. I guess I was just in a bad mood. I'll try to snap out of it."

"You know, if you were anyone else, I'd say you needed to get laid," he said.

_Ha! You don't know how right you are, Emmett dear. _

I couldn't help the thought. It just sprang through my mind with no conscious decision from me. Even worse, I had a feeling that the sentiment could be read easily on my face, especially by Emmett. He was a fucking bloodhound when it came to sniffing out the sex lives of others. Emmett could just tell who was putting out, who was saving it, and who was so sexually frustrated they were about to spontaneously combust. Unfortunately, I was in the last category. Luckily for me though, he had spun on his heel without looking at me and walked back towards where the rest of the gang was waiting by his Jeep.

Edward wasn't looking at me either as he started to brush past me. From the hard set of his mouth, I could tell he was still unhappy that I'd pulled away from him earlier. I couldn't stand to see him upset, so I reached out and touched his arm, stopping him.

"I'm sorry about before, Edward. I'm just…really nervous about this. I'm not sure how they're going to react, and it's throwing me."

His mouth softened then into a gentle smile. "It's okay, love. I know this isn't going to be easy for either of us. Just remember that I love you, alright?"

I smiled up into his eyes. "And I love you."

"That's all that matters."

We closed the rest of the distance between us and the others. They turned to face us – Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett. I didn't know how Edward was feeling in that moment, but I suddenly had empathy for all those who faced the Spanish Inquisition. A bit dramatic I know, but that's how I felt.

No one said anything for what seemed like a very long time, but in reality it was probably only a few seconds. Finally after perusing us with narrowed eyes, Jasper asked, "What's up with you two? You look all serious. Did someone run over your puppy?"

Emmett snorted. "I know, right? Something's definitely going on. You could cut the tension between them with a knife. They definitely are hiding something from us."

I swallowed hard, trying to fight down the panic. Edward seemed to sense my unease and moved his body ever so slightly closer to mine, so that I could feel his body heat soaking into my skin. It was oddly comforting, just to feel him there beside me.

Edward cleared his throat nervously. "Umm…you guys are right. There is something going on. I actually have an announcement to make."

Sheer delight seemed to break over Emmett's features. "Cullen, you've decided to finally come out? Good for you."

Emmett was just being his typical smartass self, so he almost rocked back on his heels when Edward answered, "Yes, Emmett. I have." His wasn't the only shocked reaction though. All of our friends were now looking at Edward with their mouths hanging open. "In a manner of speaking," Edward continued, reaching out finally to entwine his fingers with mine. "Really, it's that Bella and I have decided to come out to you guys. We've…uhhh…decided to become a couple."

I squeezed Edward's hand and waited for the fallout, in whatever form it would take. I couldn't tell you honestly what I had been expecting – incredulity, yelling, and yes, maybe even physical blows. The one thing I had never even considered was laughter, but that's what I got. Not just giggles or chuckles either, but actual guffaws.

Standing side by side, Emmett and Jasper were laughing so hard that they had to lean on each other to hold themselves up. Alice and Rosalie were laughing too, not nearly as much as the boys, but they were clearly enjoying the same joke. I just wish they'd share it with the rest of the class. I was starting to get annoyed.

"What the fuck is so funny?" I demanded.

"You two," Rosalie managed to get out, "and your so-called announcement."

"What? What do you mean, Rose?" Edward asked.

Alice now chimed in, "Oh, Edward! If there were a Mr. Obvious Award, you would win hands down with that little declaration."

Emmett tried to say something then, but he couldn't get the words out in between the belly laughs. Taking in several large, gulping breaths he finally squeaked out, "God! You two are hilarious," before losing control of himself again.

Jasper sobered enough that he was able to add, "Please, for the sake of our country, promise me that you guys will never join the CIA. 'Cause you really suck at the stealth."

"Wait, how long have you all known?" I asked.

Emmett had finally calmed down slightly, but he was still wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "We began to suspect in June, but I think it was really Bella's birthday celebration in the clearing that clinched it." He looked around at the others and they all nodded back at him.

"But we didn't get together until the day after that…when I took Bella out for her birthday," Edward countered.

"Oh, that's classic!" Rosalie exclaimed, giggling.

"What is?" I asked.

"You and pretty boy here thinking you're making this big revelation about you both finally buying a clue, and you're actually the last ones to know you're a couple!" Emmett said lightheartedly.

Edward replied dryly, "Well, I'm so glad we could amuse you."

I was a little afraid to ask my next question, but I really needed to know the answer. "So…Emmett, Jasper…you're okay with Edward and I being together?"

Suddenly there was no sign of laughter left from either of the boys. They looked intently at me before shifting their gaze to Edward.

"Bella, I honestly think that you and Edward belong together," Jasper said seriously. I started to breathe a sigh of relief until he continued, "But that doesn't mean that I don't have some reservations."

I frowned. "What reservations?"

"It's just that you've been through so much, Bella," Alice added as she walked up beside Jasper and slipped her arm through his. "A relationship is a lot of work. Are you sure that you can handle this?"

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. However, if I was being honest with myself, it was a valid concern on their part. And it wasn't like Edward and I hadn't discussed this when we'd decided to get together.

I felt Edward squeeze my hand, and I looked up at him. The love he had for me shone clearly in his eyes. The answer spilled from my lips before I even thought it through. "I know it's not going to be easy for us, because of my past. But I love him, and I can't be apart from him anymore."

"Alright," Emmett stated, getting our attention, "you have our blessing. But…"

"Yes?" Edward inquired.

"If you hurt our girl, Cullen, we'll hunt you down like the dog you are. Got that?"

Edward smirked. "Duly noted, but I don't think that will be an issue."

"And Swan?"

"Yes, Emmett?"

"If you hurt our friend, we'll be very put out with you."

"Hey," Edward protested, "how is that fair? I get threatened with physical violence and she gets a slap on the wrist?"

"Yeah, yeah. Double standard. Life's not fair. Yada, yada, yada. Suck it up and be a man, Cullen." Emmett grinned.

Edward shook his head at Emmett and released my hand, but only to wrap his arm securely around my waist.

Jasper and Emmett noted the change and looked at one another significantly.

"There's just one other thing that we need to talk about," Jasper said.

"And what would that be?" Edward asked.

"Sex," Emmett said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, God!"

"No. Emmett. Geez Swan, I know we're easily confused, but…"

I cut Emmett off there. "I don't want to talk about this with you, Emmett! I'm serious! I'd rather have this talk with my dad than with you!"

"Really? You'd rather talk to the Chief about sex? Why would that be?"

"Because my dad would get embarrassed, mumble incoherently, and then promptly repress the memory of it ever happening. You'll want to go into gory details, Emmett. I know you!"

"Oh, that would be where you're wrong, baby girl." Emmett looked to Jasper who nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, Em and I have talked about this, and we're thinking that we're going to take a page from the military on this one."

"Huh?" I said eloquently.

"Don't ask, don't tell," Edward murmured in my ear.

"Oh!"

"Yeah," Emmett said, "If you two ever do have sex, I don't want to hear about it; I sure as hell don't want to walk in on it; and I'd rather not even see the tiniest hint of it. Bella, as far as Jasper and I are concerned, you're a nun. And you'll always be a nun until the day you die. I don't care if the two of you get married and have six kids, as far as I'm concerned, you'll have a string of immaculate conceptions. Am I clear?"

Edward and I laughed. "You've got it, Emmett," I agreed.

"Not a problem," Edward complied.

Before I knew what was happening, Edward swept me fully into his arms and kissed me in front of God and everybody.

"Ugh," I heard Emmett say, "I think I need to bleach my eyes."

* * *

Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes last week. They really did help salvage the day for me!

I guess I should throw out a thanks to Delta, Gemma, Ravyn and Nina. I don't know what for though, this story is all me, me, me. ;)

If anyone has any questions or anything you'd like to discuss, you can find me at the On a Lonesome Road thread on Twilighted. I'll also be posting a chapter 25 teaser there on Friday, April 30th.

http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7308&start=0

Chapter 25 will be posted next Tuesday, May 4th.


	25. Accusations and Promises

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 25 – Accusations and Promises

The first few months of my relationship with Edward were the best time of my life up to that point. Until Edward, I had never been in love. Until he was free, I had never known what it was like to have the one I loved return my feelings. And until now, I had never allowed myself to give my love free rein. To say that it was a giddy, intoxicating feeling would be the understatement of the century!

After we had finally told the gang about us, it felt like there was nothing holding us back anymore. We could touch without fearing who might see us. We were able to kiss without worrying about who might walk around the corner. We were able to…just love one another without limits or restraints. I was accustomed to overwhelming emotions, of course. But overwhelming love and happiness? Me? Yeah, it was an entirely new experience – one that I was hoping to never have to relinquish.

Still, things were not completely smooth sailing. Being in band with my boyfriend caused some unexpected problems. Edward and I had been in band together for two years already, so you wouldn't have thought it would make any difference that we were now a couple, but it did. I think part of the problem was that we were currently the only new couple in band. Emmett and Jasper weren't there with the girls anymore. Ben and Angela had been together for so long that the novelty of their relationship had completely worn off. And no other band couples had yet emerged this school year. So the spotlight was kind of on Edward and me.

I didn't realize at first that there was also a healthy dose of jealousy going around. I know I shouldn't have been surprised, but it just never occurred to me. Edward was mine. He so clearly was meant for me – we were obviously very much in love – I guess I thought that other people would see that and respect it. Yes, I know I was an idiot. How could I not expect girls to notice and want Edward every bit as much as I did? As for respecting my place as his girlfriend, could I be any more hypocritical? Just how respectful was I of Tanya when she found herself in the same position? It didn't really matter that Edward loved me in a way that he never loved Tanya. What mattered was that girls wanted what I had, could see themselves in my place, and thought that they had what it took to replace me.

It gave me some satisfaction that Edward never even seemed to notice that girls were almost literally doing anything to get his attention. He appeared to be blissfully unaware that other girls even existed – which, ironically, was both good and bad for me. Of course I was happy that Edward only had eyes for me. What girl wouldn't be thrilled to have his undivided attention? On the other hand, however, because he never noticed other girls, Edward didn't realize how sneaky and underhanded the little skanks could be.

Believe me, they tried everything they could think of to lure him away. I'd never seen so much eyelash batting, hair tossing, come-hither bedroom eyes and fake laughter in my life! When that didn't work, they tried using the gossip mill to their advantage. First, they started a rumor that Edward was fooling around behind my back with numerous girls. Now, knowing that I had never been the most secure girl in the world, that trick might have worked…if I weren't with Edward every waking moment and more than a few of the non-waking ones. Almost every night, Edward and I were on the phone with one another way into the early hours of the morning, and had on several occasions even fallen asleep talking to each other. If the boy were cheating on me, he would have to be functioning on no sleep whatsoever or found a way to be in at least two places at once. Next, they tried saying that I was cheating on him. Yeah, that failed for the same reason – Edward knew better. Persistent these girls may be, but I never claimed they were overly bright. So, things quieted down for awhile as they tried to regroup and attempted to think of something else to break up Edward and me.

I didn't believe for a minute that they had really given up, and Alice and Rosalie agreed with me wholeheartedly. The three of us had several strategy sessions, trying to figure out what the evil witches' next move would be. I have to admit though, when it finally came, they managed to take all of us by surprise. The plain and simple truth was that we had all underestimated them. In the end, they were willing to sink much lower than the three of us had given them credit for.

In November, the band had one of our last away football games to travel to. My mom had volunteered to be a chaperone for the trip, but thank goodness she was assigned a different bus from the one I had ended up on with Edward. Of course we sat together, with Alice and Rosalie sitting in the seat in front of us. We traveled to the game at twilight, the late autumn sun fading rapidly from the sky, leaving traces of pink, purple, orange, and silver stains across the blue before the light died away altogether. Alice and Rose were turned in their seats to face us, and the four of us spent the entire trip talking together, making one another laugh. It felt like I didn't have a care in the world. Funny that I should feel that way in that moment, I hadn't felt like that in so long. My friends made me feel that way. My love made me feel that way. Time and distance had helped too. Everything worked together to give me a euphoria that I thought had been lost to me forever. I should have known that something would come along to spoil it. It just seemed to be my fate.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened at the game itself. Well, our team won – that was a little unusual – but it was a nice change. Regardless of how we felt about a few of the football players personally, we didn't really feel any ill-will against the team. We did have school spirit and pride and all that junk. No, it was the ride home that completely destroyed my elation. Well, actually it was more the aftermath of the ride home. While in transit, I certainly wasn't feeling any pain. In fact, I derived a whole lot of pleasure from the experience. Which made what came after that much worse.

The bus ride home took two hours. It had been a long day, and most of us were pretty tired. It was dark and a little chilly on the bus. We Bandsies were used to these kinds of trips and prepared for them. Many people brought pillows and blankets and tried their best to get some sleep on the way home. That's what Alice and Rosalie had decided to do, so they weren't turned around talking to us like they had on the way there. Edward and I snuggled together under a large throw that he'd brought from home. We were planning to take advantage of the dark and quiet on the bus too…just in a completely different way from everyone else around us.

Edward was studying me. Not that he could see much by the dim glow of the streetlights we passed. But he must have been able to make out some details of my expression, because when I looked up into his eyes with my love for him clearly written in my own, he inhaled sharply.

"Love, have I told you today that you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen?" he asked softly.

I rolled my eyes at him. "No, you haven't told me that yet _today_. I seem to recall you mentioning something to that effect yesterday and the day before that, but not today." I teased.

I could see the corner of his mouth pull up into his crooked grin. "Then I have been shockingly remiss. Please forgive me, sweetheart. You're so beautiful that I can never get my fill of looking at you."

Grinning at him indulgently, I joked, "Gee Edward, would you like some wine with that cheese? And I'm sure I must look absolutely ravishing here in the dark. Honestly, I think you just have one heck of an imagination. That, or you're simply delusional."

"I certainly am not delusional," he answered haughtily. "And it's definitely not my imagination.

"Bella, I'm not the only one who notices just how beautiful you are. You have no idea how often I catch other guys checking you out." His voice, though still low in deference to those sleeping around us, suddenly became a growl, "It drives me insane…seeing them look at you that way. I seriously have to talk myself out of doing them harm. I'm afraid that there is something about you that makes me feel all primitive and bloodthirsty. When I see guys looking at _my_ _love_ with lust in their eyes…I just want to rip their throats out."

I reached up and ran my fingers soothingly through his hair. I saw him close his eyes as I touched him. "Edward, you know you don't have to worry about that. I love you. I can't even see anyone but you anymore. Your love for me shines too brightly for me to notice anyone else. I _am_ yours. Forever."

His eyes opened and locked with mine, "I love you too, my Bella. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go all crazy, possessive boyfriend on you." He smiled tightly and shook his head at himself. "These are my issues, I know that. I'm secure in your love for me, don't worry. As for other guys, I realize that they're going to look at you – how can they resist beauty such as yours? Believe me, I _can_ control myself in these situations. I was just trying to explain how I feel, that's all."

"I understand, Edward. Do you think that I don't feel the same when I see other girls lusting after you? I assure you, I feel just as jealous and overprotective as you do."

He grinned at me then and brought my hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to my knuckles. "Now, do I recall you saying something about ravishing a few moments ago?" he asked, all jealousy forgotten.

I laughed quietly. I knew exactly the game he was playing now and was happy to play along. "I did say something about ravishing. I used it as an adjective to describe myself."

"Well, as true at that word is in that context, I must admit that I prefer its possibilities as a verb instead."

"Why, Mr. Cullen, that sounded very much like an improper advance."

"Damn right," he said before capturing my lips with his.

We kissed and touched and whispered words of love and longing to each other the rest of the way home.

When the bus turned into the Forks High parking lot, the driver turned on the lights. Edward and I broke apart as the sounds of stirring Bandsies surrounded us – yawning and stretching at first, then the squeak of seats and the rustle of fabric as blankets were folded and belongings were gathered. We didn't move, not wanting to break the spell, but as the bus parked and people started to stand, we both knew we had to go.

He sighed and ran his thumb lightly across my lips. "I love you."

"I love you too, Edward."

He reached out a hand then and helped me to my feet. We quickly gathered our things together and left the bus.

He waited with me as the instruments were unloaded from the trailer the band hauled equipment in. The percussion instruments were always the first ones on and the last ones off the trailer, so our wait was a lengthy one. When my bass drum finally appeared, I wasted no time claiming it and headed for the band room with Edward at my side.

I had just put the bass drum in its place inside the band room when I heard Mr. Johnson's voice call from across the room. "Edward! Bella! I need to see you in my office. Now."

I looked to Edward in question, but he simply shrugged. Whatever was going on, he didn't know anything more about it than I did. I sought out Alice and Rosalie, standing together a few feet from us, and intercepted their worried glances. It seemed that they didn't know what was up either. Well, there was nothing to do but go find out what Mr. Johnson had on his mind. Edward took my hand and led me out of the band room and down the hall to Mr. Johnson's office. Just outside the door, he released me – we weren't supposed to touch one another while in band, or on school property, or at school functions. Seriously, the no touching at Forks High policy just sucked balls…which was yet another expression I'd apparently picked up from Emmett.

Edward looked torn for a moment, considering what he should do. I knew him well enough that I understood his dilemma. Under normal circumstances he would never have entered the room before me. He was much too polite and respectful of me to do so. But Mr. Johnson hadn't exactly sounded happy when he'd told us to meet him here. If we were in some kind of trouble, Edward would feel like he should go first, in an attempt to protect me. In the end, his protective instinct won out and he preceded me into Mr. Johnson's office.

Following closely after him, I was taken by surprise when he stopped suddenly in front of me, and I bumped into his back.

"What exactly is going on?" Edward asked in a strained voice.

I was still standing behind him and couldn't yet see into the room, but between the tone of his voice and the abrupt stiffening of his posture, I could tell that something was very wrong.

Peeking around his shoulder, I saw Mr. Johnson sitting behind his desk and in a chair beside the desk was… My mother? They were both scowling at us.

_Oh, this cannot be good._

_Ya think?_

"Edward, Bella, a serious matter has been brought to my attention that must be dealt with immediately," Mr. Johnson began. "It involves the two of you." He paused then and glared at each of us in turn.

Well, if he was hoping for an easy confession, he was going to have to give us more to go on. As of now, I still didn't have a clue what he was talking about!

"I have had two separate reports that you were engaging in inappropriate behavior on the bus ride home," he finally clarified.

_Oh! So that's what this was about._

_But if this is about a relatively tame make out, then why is my mother currently throwing mental daggers at my boyfriend with her eyes?_

_Shit, there's more to this. There has to be!_

"Mr. Johnson, what precisely do you mean by 'inappropriate behavior'? Could you be a little more specific about what we've been accused of?" I asked.

_No sense confessing to anything worse than they already know._

_Good plan!_

_Thanks. Emmett has taught me well._

Mr. Johnson looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Bella, I was told that you and Edward actually had sex on the bus."

"What?!" Edward ground out from between clenched teeth.

My eyes cut to my mother. She had turned her face away from me, like she couldn't even look at me. She _believed_ this?

My mouth had suddenly gone dry. I had to swallow before I could even attempt to say anything. The only problem was that my brain was whirring much faster than my swollen tongue and parched lips could accommodate. "Mom, I didn't… We didn't… We haven't…" That was the most I could get out.

"It's completely untrue," Edward said angrily. "I love Bella. I would never disrespect her like that."

"Are you saying that these reports are entirely unfounded? Well then, can you tell me exactly what did happen between the two of you on the bus?" Mr. Johnson demanded.

"We kissed, Mr. Johnson. That's all. We kissed and talked, but we didn't do anything else. We definitely didn't do _that_." I said, blushing to the roots of my hair.

"Were you covered by a blanket?"

I glanced at Edward. He was fighting to keep his temper. His entire body was rigid, his jaw was tensed, and his mouth was set in a grim line. "Yes, we were," he answered succinctly.

Mr. Johnson raised one eyebrow. "The _same_ blanket?"

"Yes…but it wasn't like that. We didn't do anything wrong," I said firmly.

"But you did, Bella. We have policies in place to avoid misunderstandings like this."

Mr. Johnson's expression had softened. "Look you two, I do understand. I sat next to the girl I loved on the bus too, once upon a time. I even ended up married to her. But you have to admit that your actions tonight could have easily been misinterpreted, as they apparently were. The bottom line here is that I believe your story. I don't think anything grossly inappropriate occurred between you, so I won't pursue any punishments at this time. However, this is your one and only free pass. If you break school rules again – I don't care in how small a way – there will be consequences. Do we understand each other?"

"Yes, sir," Edward said, his tone ever so subtly defiant.

I could feel a lump forming in my throat as hot tears of humiliation stung my eyes. I just nodded and spun on my heel to leave the room. I didn't wait to see if Edward followed me this time, but I knew he was there. I could feel him. I knew that he would never leave me when I was so upset. No, he was there, behind me. There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

I entered the band room and my eyes were immediately drawn to a knot of girls standing around talking – the skanks. Their ringleaders, Jane Butler and Heidi Warren, looked up at me with matching evil smirks of triumph, and I suddenly knew who exactly had informed on Edward and me. Jane and Heidi had been sitting across the aisle from us on the way home, but I hadn't even spared them a glance. They had planned this, and we had unwittingly walked right into their trap. They had timed it perfectly too. They waited until a bus ride home in the dark, when all of the witnesses who would have stood up for us and said we'd done nothing wrong were asleep, and my _mother_ was a chaperone on the trip. I understood their line of reasoning perfectly. If they couldn't lure Edward away from me, if they couldn't break us up using jealousy and suspicion, then they would drive a wedge between us this way. Maybe my parents would believe the lies and decide to keep Edward and me apart. For girls I had considered not especially intelligent, I had to admit it was a fairly ingenious plan. There was only one flaw with it that I could see – I would be damned if I'd let them get away with it!

Suddenly executing an about face, I was glad to see that I'd been right, that Edward had been right behind me. He had stopped abruptly, but he was just mere inches from me. Taking one small step forward and standing up on my tiptoes, I wound my arms around his neck and applied the slightest pressure, letting him know exactly what I wanted. Edward didn't hesitate. He ducked his head and pressed his lips firmly to mine.

It wasn't an overly long kiss, but it was certainly a satisfying one. After a few moments though, Edward pulled away from me slightly. "That probably wasn't the best idea, Bella, considering what we just got yelled at for in there and the warning Mr. Johnson gave us," he said quietly, so that only I could hear him.

"I don't care. Some things are more important, my love."

"Mmm… Yes, I saw them too," Edward told me.

"And you get it?" I asked. "You understand what they tried to do?"

"I do, Bella. But I have one big problem with what you did just now."

_Uh oh. Was he mad at me?_

I bit my lip. "What is that?"

"I definitely think we can give them a better show than that, don't you?" Edward grinned wickedly at me.

I smiled back at him. "Have I ever told you that I like how you think, Mr. Cullen?" I asked against his lips before throwing myself entirely into kissing the man I loved.

There had been no further repercussions from the bus incident. Well, that is except for the rumor that spread through Forks High that Edward and I had had sex on the bus – helped along, I had no doubt, by Jane, Heidi, and their minions. Thankfully though, my mother's blanket denial seemed to cover my possible sexual activity as well as my mental health. All she had needed was to hear a denial from Edward and me to appease her. As for the rumor, Edward and I knew the truth, our parents believed us, and our friends had our backs, so we didn't care about what anyone else thought.

Alright, that wasn't exactly true. _I_ didn't care what anyone else thought. Edward, on the other hand, cared very much. He hated that people were talking about me in that context. You know how high school can be. If it gets out that a boy has sex while in high school, it only enhances his reputation. If the same rumors start circulating about a girl, however, she's branded as a slut. The thought that I was being labeled like that infuriated Edward. Believe me, I had to talk him out of defending my honor on too many occasions for me to count. In the end, it was only his desire to see me happy that conquered his overdeveloped sense of chivalry. When I told him that the possibility of him being hurt was far more difficult for me to bear than a rumor that nobody who loved us believed, he agreed not to fight.

I was also damn lucky that Emmett and Jasper weren't in school with us anymore. I may have been able to talk Edward down, but there wouldn't have been a chance in hell of me doing the same with the boys. And if they had been there every day, keeping Edward contained would have been impossible! They riled him up enough all the way from Seattle; I definitely didn't need them in Forks stirring the pot. Thank the Lord for Alice and Rose. Between the three of us we managed to restrict the testosterone before it raged out of control.

Of course, the rumor just seemed to solidify Edward's resolve that we should take things slowly. He didn't want to give the gossips any more ammunition. He was determined that our behavior should be above reproach. And he wanted to show everyone that he loved and respected me. That was all well and good, I suppose, except for the fact that I didn't know how much more sexual frustration I could take! Something…either Edward's steadfast determination to abstain or what was left of my sanity…was most definitely going to have to give.

On December 23rd, he came over to my house early. We were both about to go through two days of family togetherness hell with little contact between us. So we were planning to spend the entire day together to build up some Edward/Bella love stores to sustain us until after Christmas. Yes, I do realize that we were about to put the entire Pacific Northwest into a sugar coma with our disgusting sweetness, but we just couldn't help ourselves.

My dad was going to be at the station all day. My mother was spending this Winter Break working at the department store in Port Angeles again. Edward and I had the house all to ourselves. I really didn't think too much about that though, because we were alone at my house all the time.

We didn't really have any plans, other than to be together. I knew, however, that the one thing we absolutely would not be doing was exchanging gifts. Edward had promised me. It wasn't that I had a problem with gifts really. It was that Edward had more money than me. The son of a doctor and an interior decorator had way more disposable income on hand than a cop's kid. Not that that fact bothered me. It was just the way things were. Still, I couldn't afford to give Edward anything really nice, and I knew that if I agreed to exchange gifts with him, he would spend way too much on me. He had tried to propose setting a limit on how much we could spend. If he were anyone else, I probably would have agreed to that. With Edward, though, I knew setting a limit would be futile. It was just the way he was; he loved doing things for me, buying things, spoiling me. I had no doubt that he would shamelessly break our spending limit agreement and hope that he didn't get caught. If I did figure it out and called him on it, he knew that one sad look from him and I would forgive him. I always did, whether I wanted to or not. You see, Edward had a super, secret weapon in his arsenal. Do you know the big, sad eyes that Puss in Boots gives in the Shrek movies? Edward had perfected that look and was not afraid to use it on me with devastating results. The man was evil, I swear!

We had curled up on the couch together. We were supposedly watching movies, but we spent more time looking at one another than we did glancing at the television. There were kisses, but we definitely weren't making out or anything. We talked softly together about how much we would miss each other over the next two days and how much it sucked that our parents had decided to demand our time. Really, we didn't get why our parents apparently needed to spend almost every waking moment of the holidays with us. We were seventeen; it's not like we were kids anymore. There would be no Santa Claus visit, no wide-eyed rapture as gifts were unwrapped – just two sullen teenagers who would rather be together than trapped with the people who had given us life.

It was halfway through the second movie when Edward suddenly reached for the remote and turned off the television. I had been leaning against him with my head on his chest, and now I looked up at him in curiosity. He pressed a tender kiss to my lips before pulling back to look in my eyes.

"Bella, I know we said no Christmas gifts…"

I narrowed my eyes at him suspiciously.

"And that's not what this is, I promise! Can you at least hear me out before you start yelling?"

I was still glaring at him, but I nodded my assent to at least listen to what he had to say.

I was surprised when he shifted me away from him and sat me up straight. I hated that we weren't touching anymore. "Alright, I'll tell you this much, you're not off to a very good start, Edward."

"Just give me a minute. Patience is a virtue, you know," he teased.

"Yes, one that I've never acquired," I reminded him.

Edward began to dig in the front pocket of his jeans for something. After a moment, he pulled out a small box.

_Oh! So that's what that was. I thought it was…umm…something else entirely._

_Yes, I know exactly what you were thinking. Pervert._

I mentally shrugged at myself. There was no sense denying the truth of that statement. I would know I was lying.

"See," Edward said, "it's not even wrapped. Definitely not a Christmas present, okay?"

"I'm on to you, Edward Anthony. You think you can get by with giving me something just by not labeling it a Christmas present? Well, what _is_ it then?"

He surprised me then by sliding off the couch and kneeling before me. He picked up my left hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back before turning it over to press another into my palm. "Bella, I have something I want to ask you. Can you just promise me that you won't freak out?"

I was starting to feel a little uneasy. The man I loved was on his knees before me with a small, black velvet box clutched in his hand.

_No. It can't be. We're only seventeen. _

_Will you please stop overreacting? Just listen to what the man has to say. He'll explain this._

"Listen, I know that we're young. And we haven't even really been together for that long. But, Bella, I know that I love you. When I try to imagine where I'm going to be in five years…in ten… in twenty…the one thing I'm absolutely certain of is that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I will still want you by my side."

I opened my mouth to say something, but no sound came out.

"Love, I'm not asking you to marry me right now. I know that we're not ready to be officially engaged or anything. Besides, I'm sure our parents would all have heart attacks if I proposed to you at seventeen. But I was hoping that we were ready to make a promise to each other."

He opened the box then. Nestled inside was a small, delicate ring. The setting was yellow gold with one tiny round diamond – hardly more than a chip – at its center.

"Sorry, I know it's small, but it's supposed to be. It's a promise ring," he told me.

"Don't apologize, Edward. It's beautiful," I breathed in awe.

Taking the ring from the box, Edward picked up my left hand again. "Isabella Marie Swan, I love you. I want to spend every day of my forever with you. I would like this ring to be a promise between us. Will you agree to be mine always…to someday become my wife and the mother of my children?"

I was stunned speechless. For all his talk about this not being a proposal, it had sure sounded like one to me. I couldn't get my brain to work. What was I supposed to say?

"Umm… Bella? The suspense is killing me here. And my knees are starting to go numb," Edward tried to joke. But I could see the tension in his eyes, his mouth, his posture. He was scared to death that I would tell him no, that I would reject him again. I could see it written clearly all over his face – the fear, the potential for devastation that my refusal would bring him. I couldn't do that to him. I loved him.

"Yes, Edward. I promise to be part of your forever, if you promise to be part of mine."

He smiled at me then with blinding radiance. He slipped the ring onto the third finger of my left hand and placed a kiss over it.

"This is a placeholder. Someday, when we're both ready, I'm going to replace it – first, with an actual engagement ring, and then with a wedding band. This is my promise to you, my Bella."

My head was spinning. I knew that in my heart and in his we were now engaged. It was just that by silent agreement we had decided not to let the rest of the world in on that fact yet. I guess, if you had to assign some label to what we really were, it would be that we were engaged to be engaged. Does that make any sense? What we felt for each other, our commitment to one another, went far beyond simply being boyfriend and girlfriend, and we had just symbolically sealed that deal. Well, we had mostly anyway. And I was ready to see that symbolic joining all the way through.

I leaned down and kissed his lips. "I love you, Edward…more than I can express in words."

I reached for his hands and pulled him with me as I stood. "It's time for me to make my promise to you…to give you my gift."

"Bella? What gift?" he asked.

"Come with me. It's upstairs."

He frowned in confusion, but he allowed me to take his hand and pull him behind me up the stairs.

I led him down the hallway and into my room without hesitation. When we found ourselves in the middle of my room, I stopped and turned to face him. I slipped my arms around his neck and looked up into his eyes. "Edward Anthony Cullen, I love you. I willingly bind my life to yours. You gave me a gift and a promise, now I do the same with you."

Standing on my tiptoes, I brushed my lips against his. Although it began as the merest of touches, Edward soon increased the pressure of his mouth on mine. I hummed in approval and kissed him back, giving as good as I got.

When the kiss ended, Edward pulled back ever so slightly. "Thank you, love…for that gift. I couldn't ask for anything that I treasure more than your kisses."

I gave him a knowing smile. "Oh, I know you wouldn't ask for anything more. But I'm willing to give you more. That kiss wasn't the gift…it was just the amuse bouche."

His crooked grin appeared on his lips, "Oh, really? And what exactly did you have in mind?"

"Make love to me, Edward," I said simply.

The grin fell. "What?"

"This is my gift to you, my love. This is my promise. I want to give myself to you. I want you to give yourself to me in return. Make love to me…please."

"Bella, I don't know… I think maybe we should still wait."

I gazed steadily into his eyes. "Why should we wait, Edward? We're in a loving, committed relationship. You said you wanted me to wait until I could give myself to a man out of love. Well, that moment is here…with you. You told me that you were waiting until you could truly make love with someone. Are you saying that that wouldn't be the case with me?"

His hands came up and gently cupped my face between them before he kissed me softly. "No, Bella, I'm not saying that at all. I would definitely be making love with you. But there's one big problem with us going through with this right now."

I sighed. "Which is?"

"I wasn't expecting this so soon and didn't come prepared. I don't have a condom with me. There's no way we're doing this if you're not protected, sweetheart."

I knew there was a wicked, evil glint in my eyes. "There's no problem at all then. I have some."

He stared at me wide-eyed. "You do? But how? When?"

"Don't look so shocked, Edward," I laughed. "I am a modern woman who knows how to take care of myself. I also am very resourceful and have two really good friends who have experience with this kind of thing. May I suggest taking Rosalie and Alice with you when you go to buy condoms? They really do seem to be experts on the subject."

"You went on a quest to buy condoms with Alice and Rose?"

"Mmmhmm."

"And you didn't tell me?"

That gave me pause. "I'm telling you now, Edward."

He looked a little shell-shocked.

"Listen, I wasn't purposely hiding anything from you. And I wasn't planning to trap you into doing anything you weren't ready for. I just thought that the responsible thing to do was to be prepared, just in case."

He shook his head then like he was trying to clear it. "You're right, of course, love. I'm just surprised, that's all. I had no idea that this would be happening today."

"Edward, we don't have to, if you don't want to. I just thought…"

"Shhh. Sweetheart, it's okay. I want to. I want you so much…if you're sure."

Suddenly the way he was looking at me left me breathless. I realized that this was really going to happen; all I had to do was reassure him that I wanted him too. "I'm sure, Edward. I want this. I want you. Please, my love."

That final plea seemed to be the breaking point of Edward's control. His arms came around me, and he pulled me into his chest as his lips sought mine. The kiss began slowly, almost chastely. Soon, however, he parted my lips and deepened the kiss. His tongue entered and explored my mouth unhurriedly. I clung to him and never wanted to let go. I needed him like I needed air to breathe. I needed to become completely, totally his.

"Bella, before this goes any further, we should probably get that condom. I don't want to get so carried away that we forget it later."

"Oh. Right. Condoms. The box is hidden inside a shoebox in the back of my closet."

He released me and I went to my closet. A minute later, I had returned and handed him a single packet. He placed it carefully on my nightstand, and then he swept me back into his arms. We kissed again…and again…and again.

My fingers released their grip on his hair and slid down his chest. At the feel of my touch on his throat, his chest, his abs, Edward moaned. I smiled to myself, happy that he liked my hands on him. Reaching the bottom of his shirt, I tugged at it. He knew what I wanted, and broke our kiss long enough to help me remove his blue, long-sleeved thermal.

My eyes feasted on his skin. He was all chiseled marble perfection. Michelangelo's David was downright homely in comparison. Unable to stop myself, I brought my mouth to his chest, pressing kisses to his skin before my tongue darted out to taste him. "Mmmm… Edward, has anyone ever told you before just how delicious you are?"

He chuckled at me. "No, sweetheart. You're my first. My last. My only."

I inhaled sharply, "God, why does the idea of that turn me on so much?"

"For the same reason that the idea of you giving yourself to me and only me drives me completely insane…we're all inherently jealous and possessive creatures. I want you all to myself, forever and always."

Then he was kissing me again with passionate thoroughness, stealing my breath, my senses, my very mind.

He was all there was. My universe. My being. My love.

With tender care, he removed my sweater. As soon as I was freed, his hand lightly caressed my jaw, tipping it upward and to the side so that his lips could skim my throat. "Oh, Edward. I love that! That feels so good."

I felt him smile against my skin, "Did you think I'd forgotten just how sensitive your neck is? I could never forget how you react when I do this." Then he flicked his tongue against my pulse point and so very carefully scraped his teeth along my skin.

I gasped and then moaned loudly. Involuntarily, I threw my head back to give him even greater access.

"Mmmm…yes. Just like that, baby." His hands found the small of my back and then slowly dragged upward, luxuriating in every inch of my flesh until he finally reached the clasp of my bra. "I've waited so long. I can't wait anymore, Bella. I want to see you. May I?"

I couldn't speak. I was nervous and a bit shy, so I simply nodded my consent.

He fumbled a little. I could definitely tell that he wasn't practiced at this kind of thing. But I didn't mind that in the slightest, and it only took him a few clumsy moments before he worked the clasp open.

He sucked in a breath when I was bared to his eyes. "You're so beautiful, Bella. You're worthy of worship and veneration. And that's what I want to do…to kneel down and worship at the feet of my own personal goddess."

I grinned at him mischievously, "You do only mean that metaphorically, right? Because I have much better ideas for ways to use our time right now."

He laughed out loud. "That's what I love about you, Bella. You never let me take myself too seriously, even at a time like this. Now, what, pray tell, were these ideas of yours?"

I reached for his waist, my thumb sliding over the button of his jeans, my index finger resting against his bare skin inside the waistband. "Well, I was thinking that we should finish getting one another naked," I said as I popped open the button. "Then I thought we could tease one another until the brink of madness." I carefully dragged his zipper downwards. "And finally, I thought you could take my virginity…and I could take yours."

"Oh. My. God! You have got to stop talking like that right now, or this is going to be over before we ever even begin."

I gave him my best wide-eyed innocent look as I palmed his erection through his boxers. "Did I do that? Gee, Edward. I'm sorry."

"Bella," he growled in warning before backing me up until my knees hit the edge of the bed. "You had best behave."

"Or what?" I challenged.

"Or this…" he said before plundering my mouth with his and ever so slightly advancing, moving me gently backward onto the bed. His lips left mine then as he kissed his way down my throat. He took his time, teasing, tasting. If I made a sound that indicated I liked something he'd done, he lingered, exploring fully before moving on.

"Edward, if this is your idea of punishing me, then I can guarantee that I am going to be a very, very bad girl from now on."

"There you go again, Bella. What _am_ I going to do with you now?" he asked with faux menace in his voice. So lightly that it was absolutely maddening, he swept his tongue against my nipple.

"Ohhhh, Edward!"

"Ah yes, this has definite possibilities," he said before doing the same thing to the other nipple.

"Edward, please. Stop. Teasing."

"I thought you liked it when I teased, love. Maybe not. Is this better?" he asked before taking my nipple into his mouth.

"Oh, God! Yes, Edward!"

Just as he had done before, he was patient in his exploration. His lips journeyed across my skin, visiting places that had never before been discovered. He mapped my body with his mouth, his tongue, his fingers. He claimed me; he conquered me, and all with loving care and infinite tenderness.

As I had done to him, he unfastened and unzipped my jeans. He paused though with his fingers resting against my stomach. "Is this alright, love?"

"Yes, Edward! Please!"

His fingers slowly made their way downward. I think he was trying to give me a chance to tell him no if I wanted to. I _really_ didn't want to – not at all. Then his fingers made contact with my clit and I helplessly arched into his touch with a groan. "Right there, Edward."

"Here?" he asked as he stroked softly.

"God, yes!"

He continued his ministrations until I was twisting under his hand and moaning uncontrollably. "Don't stop. Please. Right there. Yes, there. Yes. Yes. Yes! Edward!" I screamed as I came.

He waited until I'd relaxed and my breathing had slowed down considerably before he spoke. "Well, that was interesting."

"Yes, it was. I've never had one of those with someone else in the room before."

He smiled down at me. "I've never given one to anyone else before."

"Here's hoping it was the first of many on both our parts."

"Oh, I don't think there will be an issue with that. There's no way I'm done with you yet," he said before kissing me again. "Sweetheart, may I remove the rest of your clothing?"

I swallowed once, just slightly nervous, before nodding.

I lifted my hips for him as he removed my jeans. And then watching me intently, so very slowly he hooked his fingers into my panties and pulled them down my legs and off.

He looked down at me with so much love in his eyes that it never crossed my mind to be embarrassed. Not one detail of my body could have possibly missed his notice as he drank in the sight of me. "Before, when I said you were beautiful?"

"Yes?"

"I lied. You're so much more than beautiful. You're exquisite."

"Thank you, Edward…for making me feel that way. And now don't you think it's your turn? I seem to recall you saying that all I had to do to see yours was to ask. Well, I'm asking."

He laughed and then kissed my nose. "Alright. Fair is fair, I suppose."

He scooted off the edge of the bed and stood up. In one motion, he pulled down both his jeans and boxers before kicking free of them.

"Wow!"

"What?" he asked a little self-consciously.

"Uh, Edward, that's…ummm…impressive," I said after getting my first look at his erection. "I know I have no basis for comparison, but that looks exceedingly large to me. Are you sure that it's actually going to fit?"

"I don't think we'll have a problem. I mean, I know I'm a little larger than what's considered average, but not freakishly so." He looked away from me as he spoke.

"Hey, baby, don't turn away from me. I didn't mean to make you feel self-conscious. I'm just a little nervous and uncertain about this, that's all."

"We can stop. We don't have to do this now, Bella, if you're worried…or afraid."

"No, I want to do this. I want to make love. I was uncertain of the mechanics, not about my decision to be with you."

He took a deep breath and blew it out. "Okay, I just needed to check," he said as he joined me back on the bed.

_Well, that wasn't awkward at all. Nope. Not awkward. _

_Right._

When I was naked beneath him, he kissed me gently. "Bella, can I… I mean, would you mind if I…"

I laughed at him as I ran my hand along his now bare thigh. "You're blushing, Edward? Now? We're lying here naked together, about to make love for the first time, and now you get shy on me?"

"I was going to ask if something was alright with you, but I wasn't sure how you'd react."

"You can ask me anything, my love."

"Well, I know that it's not usually very good for the girl the first time. I was hoping that I could try to make you come one more time before we actually get started. Can I…taste you, Bella? Here?" he asked as his fingers found my clit once again.

I hesitated only a moment. "Yes," I agreed.

As Edward once again kissed and licked and nibbled his way down my body, I tried to focus on what he was doing and not on his destination. To be honest, I was a little apprehensive. I wasn't embarrassed to be naked with Edward, but this was a little more up close and personal than I was strictly comfortable with. Also, I had no idea if I was going to like this or not.

"Relax, baby. Please," he requested as his hands caressed my thighs and gently parted them. "And I've never done this before, so I'm going to need you to tell me what you like and what you don't, okay? Don't be afraid to be vocal with me, love. You have no idea what your sounds do to me."

From the way he said it, I was thinking that my sounds must only do good things to him. So, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and determined that I would do as he asked. As it turned out, it was a completely unnecessary determination, because the moment his tongue flicked across my clit, I couldn't have been silent if my life depended on it!

For someone who'd never done that before, Edward had mad skills. His tongue danced over my clit lightly, driving me crazy with pleasure, before he gently sucked the nub into his mouth. My fingers found their way into his hair as my body arched against him. And just before I didn't think I could feel any more blissed out, he slowly worked one and then two fingers inside of me. I could feel him moving those fingers leisurely in and out of me, and it felt like he'd found a particularly sensitive spot inside.

"Yes, Edward! Keep doing that!"

He concentrated on rubbing that one spot with languid stokes of his fingers while alternating soft licks and light sucking on my clit.

"Oh, God! Edward, I'm so close. So close. Yes, yes! Ohhh! Ohhhh!" I said as I came undone underneath him.

While I started to come down from my orgasm, I became vaguely aware of Edward moving away from me. Before I could gather my wits enough to question him though, he'd returned. He settled over me and pressed his face against my neck, kissing me there and then moving to kiss my collarbone.

"You can kiss my lips, Edward. If I don't like it, I'll tell you."

He looked down at me then with slight hesitation in his eyes before he leaned in and kissed my mouth. There was a salty taste to him now…different, but not repellent. I could live with it if it meant that I could still kiss him while we did this.

We kissed for several long minutes then. Our hands roamed one another's bodies. I could feel his erection, already sheathed in the condom – so that's where he'd gone – brush against my thigh.

"Bella?" he breathed against my lips. "Are you absolutely sure? If you want to stop, now's the time to tell me."

"I'm sure, Edward. I love you, and I want this."

He moaned lowly in his throat and then thrust gently forward. I could feel his body moving under my hands…but… "Edward, I don't feel anything."

"What?" he asked me, uncertain.

I looked down between our bodies and could clearly see the head of his penis. "Ummm…I think you missed."

He also looked down and realized that I was right. "Oh, God! I'm sorry, Bella! I just don't know what I'm doing!" he said agitatedly.

"Shhh. It's okay, my love. I don't know what I'm doing either. We're learning. Together. There's nothing more precious, more sacred to me than that.

"Now, will you let me help you?" I asked.

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered me promptly.

"I'll…need to touch you. Is that okay?"

"Well, I don't think it's going to be easy for me to hold onto my control for very long if you touch me, Bella."

"It won't be for long, Edward. I just need to position you in the right place. Okay?"

"Okay," he agreed.

I reached between us then and took him into my hand with a gentle grip. He moaned loudly as my fingers wrapped around him. "This will just take a second, baby." I positioned him at the entrance of my body and pressed his head against the opening before releasing him, "There, Edward. You're exactly where you need to be."

"Alright. Take two, I guess." He smiled weakly.

"I love you, Edward. I'm ready. Just do it."

"I love you too, Bella. Forever," he said as he began to slowly push inside of me.

I definitely felt something this time. It didn't hurt at first. There was just this stretching feeling that was mildly uncomfortable. My hands gripped his shoulders as I tried not to tense up.

"Are you okay, love?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Keep going."

He pushed in further and suddenly it hurt! A lot! I bit the inside of my lip to keep from crying out.

Edward started to pull out, and I thought he must have realized that something was wrong. You can imagine my surprise when he began to slowly thrust inside me once again. "My God, Bella, you feel so damn good!"

_I can't let him know how much this hurts! I don't want to ruin this for him!_

_Rosalie and Alice both told you it would be like this. It shouldn't surprise you, you know._

_Not really helpful right now, thanks._

He continued to thrust slowly in and out of me, whispering words of love and encouragement. I tried not to, but involuntarily my grip on his shoulders tightened and I pressed down in an unconscious attempt to push him away from me.

_God, please don't let this last much longer! Please, just let him be finished quickly!_

I bit the inside of my lip harder and squeezed my eyes tightly shut. One tear escaped the corner of my eye, and I prayed he wouldn't notice.

"Oh, God! Bella, I love you! I love you! Ohhhhh!" He thrust into me one last time and then his body went completely rigid above me. I could tell that he was coming, and I felt relief that it was almost over.

Suddenly, he just seemed to collapse on top of me. But before his weight could become uncomfortable, he moved his elbows underneath him to hold himself away from me. "God, baby, that was…" And then he looked closely at my face for the first time. "Bella? What's wrong, love?"

"It's nothing, Edward. I love you." I turned my face slightly away from him and tried to discreetly wipe at the single telltale tearstain.

"It's not 'nothing' Bella! Tell me!"

"I'm fine, really."

"Bella, don't do this to me, please. Not now. I hurt you, didn't I? Just be honest with me."

I sighed. "Okay, Edward, it hurt a little."

He immediately moved to withdraw from me, and I winced. "A little, Bella? Why don't I quite believe that?"

I could feel myself start to tear up. "I'm sorry, baby. I just didn't want to spoil it for you. It wasn't that bad, honestly. It was just because it was my first time. That's all."

"Bella Swan, you aggravating woman. What am I going to do with you? If I ever hurt you, I want to know immediately! If you'd told me, I could have tried something different. You've got to trust me, sweetheart. You have to tell me these things!" He kissed me to show me that he wasn't angry, only concerned.

"Alright, Edward. I promise to tell you from now on. You need to know, though, that it was all worth it – to feel so close to you…to be able to love you now in all the ways I want to…to know in my heart and soul that you love me. That means everything to me, my love. Everything."

"I do love you, Bella," he said before brushing a kiss to my lips. "Okay so, I think there are only two things we need now."

"What would that be?" I asked.

"Well, first you need time to heal."

I tried to subtly shift my hips and winced again. "I agree wholeheartedly with that plan. And what's the second thing we need?"

He grinned wickedly at me. "Practice. Practice. Practice," he said just before he claimed my lips once again.

* * *

What. The. Hell? Two Wussperv approved chapters of On a Lonesome Road in a row? Isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse or something? ;)

If you liked Bella and Edward's first time, I'd love to hear about it. You can tell me if you hated it too.

Thanks to everyone for reading. And extra thanks to Gemma, Delta (who helped me out all the way from China this week!), Ravyn and Nina.

Chapter 26 will be up next Tuesday, May 11th.


	26. Unravel

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 26 – Unravel

It was early March, and I was in the place I loved most – my bed, with Edward lying next to me. I was lying with my head on his shoulder, pressing intermittent kisses to his chest.

"Mmmm… I definitely think our practicing is paying off," I purred.

We had just finished making love. This had become an almost daily afterschool ritual. Edward would drive me home, and then he would come upstairs with me and make me forget my own name for awhile.

His hand came up to stroke my hair as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "I agree," he said with a smile in his voice. "Now remind me please, why did it take us so long to do this in the first place?"

"Well, as I recall… First, you were dating a girl who turned out to be a psycho hosebeast."

"You've been watching Wayne's World again."

"With Emmett last weekend."

"You can't say that the man doesn't have an appreciation for the classics."

I swatted his chest playfully. "May I continue?"

"Please do, love."

"Okay, and then, I decided to take an extended tour of Looneyland for about a year."

"You weren't crazy. You were just doing your best to cope. It's completely understandable."

"Thank you, Edward," I said as I kissed him again.

"And finally, when we were together at last and there was nothing standing in our way, you decided to be strangely moral for a horny teenage boy."

His chuckle rumbled under my ear. "Yeah, on second thought, don't remind me. All of those things are most definitely best forgotten."

I began to trace random patterns across his skin with my finger. When I got close to his ribs, he squirmed under me.

"Bella, that tickles."

I smiled widely. I was just so happy to be here with him, I felt as if I were filled to bursting with the joy of it. "Sorry, I didn't mean to tickle. It's just…I can't seem to get enough of touching you."

Suddenly he rolled toward me and I found myself beneath him. He kissed me deeply, his tongue dipping into my mouth and tasting me. Finally, he pulled away.

"I know what you mean, sweetheart. Because I just can't seem to get enough of kissing you."

He then proceeded to prove it by kissing me over and over again. He kissed my lips, my neck, and my breasts, of course. But he also kissed this insides of my wrists and elbows, my collarbones, and finally he pressed several long, soft kisses to my stomach.

"Do you know what I imagine when I kiss you here?" he asked before darting his tongue into my navel.

"If you imagine that you're driving me crazy with lust, you'd be right," I teased.

"I'm serious, Bella," he said before he returned his lips to my skin.

"So am I." I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. "Okay, so seriously, what were you thinking about?"

"When I kiss you here, I think about you carrying my child. I know it's years and years away. We have to graduate high school and college first. We both want to go to grad school. Then, we'll need to establish careers and get married. I know we have to wait. But when I kiss you right here," he said and then pressed his lips just under my navel, "I imagine what you'll look like with your belly swollen with my child…our child."

I wiped tears from my eyes. He glanced up and caught me at it.

"Love, did I upset you?"

"No, Edward. It's just…what you said was so beautiful. I want that too someday. I know waiting for the right time won't always be easy, but it will all be worth it when we're married and ready to start our family."

"And in the meantime…" he said, looking up at me with his sexy smirk suddenly on his lips.

"Yes?" I asked.

"More practice," he said, ducking his head between my thighs.

I threw my head back against the pillow as his mouth found my clit.

_You'll get no complaints from me._

I would have told him that aloud, of course…if I hadn't suddenly lost my capacity for coherent speech.

"Hey, Bella," Alice answered her phone, "How's my favorite cousin doing?"

My grip on my phone tightened. How could I answer that question without giving myself away? I figured the best thing to do was just to ignore it – I was so good at that.

"Hi, Alice. Listen, I was actually hoping that I could ask you for a favor…well, you and Rose." I knew that Rosalie was there with Alice, she had planned to spend the night at Alice's.

"Of course, Bella. You know you have only to ask. We were just getting ready, waiting for the boys to get home."

It was Friday afternoon. Spring Break had officially begun today. I'd be leaving for England tomorrow, and I had to talk to them before I left.

"That's kind of why I was calling, Alice. I know you were looking forward to being with the boys tonight, but I sort of need an emergency girls' night. Do you think it's possible to change our plans? I wouldn't even ask…but the boys will be here for a week, and I leave tomorrow."

"I thought you wanted to spend this last night with Edward," she said surprised.

"I did. I mean, I do. It's just…something has come up, and I really need some female bonding time. Please."

"Okay, let me talk to Rosalie, tell her what's going on. I'll call you right back."

"Alright, Alice. Thanks."

I ended the call and began pacing my bedroom. I knew it seemed a lot longer than it actually was, but finally my phone rang.

"So, what's the verdict?"

"Rosalie is onboard for tonight. Now we just have to call the boys and inform them of the change in plans."

"That's great, Alice. There's just one more thing…"

"Sure, sweetie. Whatever you need."

"Umm…when you talk to Jasper and Emmett, will you ask them to call Edward and tell him they're kidnapping him for a boys' night?"

"Why would they need to do that?"

"Because he'll want to see me tonight otherwise. In fact, he'll probably try to tell them that he doesn't want to go. They'll have to talk him into it – refuse to take no for an answer."

"Bella, what's this all about?"

"I'll tell you when I see you, I promise."

She sighed. "Okay, I'll see you soon."

Forty-five minutes later, I pulled up in front of my aunt and uncle's house. I would have been there sooner, but I'd had to spend several minutes on the phone with Edward convincing him that he really should go out with Emmett and Jasper. He had argued. He couldn't understand why I wanted to spend this last night before I left for England apart. I had told him that I really didn't want to but that I thought it was important for us not to be so wrapped up in each other that we ignored our other friends.

In other words, I had lied to him.

When I promised him that we would spend some time together tomorrow before I had to leave, he had finally capitulated, but in a decidedly petulant tone. He was not happy with me at the moment, and I was sorry for that. He didn't know it, of course, because I hadn't bothered to tell him, but everything I was doing right now was actually for him, for his own good. I would tell him later – if I had to.

My Aunt Mary had opened the front door and let me in. I found Alice and Rosalie lounging around Alice's room, listening to her iPod.

Alice leaped up when she saw me and enveloped me in a hug. "Bella, you're here! It's good to see you, cuz!"

Rosalie was a little more subdued in her enthusiasm. "Alright, Swan, can you explain to me why exactly you called this little estrogen pow-wow?"

I looked from Rosalie to Alice, trying to get my brain to work. What _would_ be the best way to broach this subject? "Umm…I needed you guys. For moral support. I have to make a trip to the pharmacy."

"Is that what this is about?" Rose asked incredulously. "You called an emergency girls' night to make yet another condom run? Couldn't Studly Do-me-right buy them this time?"

Alice laughed loudly. "Studly Do-me-right? Have you been watching porn with Emmett again, Rose?"

Rosalie just shrugged but couldn't help grinning at Alice. Her grin immediately dropped though when she glanced over at me. I wasn't entirely sure what she saw as she looked at me – a paler than normal complexion or maybe wide, scared eyes – but whatever it was instantly clued her in that something was very wrong. "Bella, what is it?"

"I don't need to make a condom run, Rose. I need to buy…ummm…a pregnancy test. I'm…three days late."

"Shit!" Rosalie exclaimed.

_My sentiments exactly._

It was five o'clock in the morning, and I was sitting on the bathroom floor with Alice and Rosalie, waiting to find out if my life was about to go to hell. "How much longer now?" I demanded.

Rose glanced at her watch. "Twenty-three seconds less than the last time you asked me."

I felt like screaming in frustration! Who knew that three minutes could last so damn long?

"Bella, it's going to be okay. No matter what the result is, we'll help you figure out the best way to deal with it. We're here for you, sweetie," Alice tried to soothe me.

"How is it going to be okay, Alice? If I'm pregnant, how exactly are things going to work out? Edward and I have plans for the future, and a baby right now will just mess everything up."

"You'll need to talk to him about it. The two of you will need to decide what the right thing is for you," Rose said calmly. "You know, Bella," she continued softly, "you don't have to go through with it if you don't want to. You won't even have to get your parents' permission or anything – Washington State doesn't require parental consent."

"Yeah, there's only one problem with that plan – have you two actually met Edward? He'd never want me to have an abortion. I don't think he'd even consider adoption. He'd want to marry me as soon as possible and try to make it work."

"And that's a bad thing?" Alice asked.

"I'm just afraid that if I tie us down so young – with a baby, no less – that I'm going to completely destroy our plans, everything we've said that we want to accomplish. What if Edward has to give up his dreams for me and for our baby? Won't he eventually come to resent us both?"

"You need to remember here, Bella, that it takes two to tango. _You_ are not doing anything to Edward. If there's a baby, then you two created it together. You'll need to make decisions together. If you decide to keep the baby, then you'll both have to make sacrifices and maybe adjust your dreams. But you're not solely responsible in this!" Rose said adamantly.

"Look, I think we're getting ahead of ourselves here," Alice interrupted, "First we need to find out if the test is positive. Rose?"

"It's time."

I closed my eyes. My breath was coming in pants. I felt panicked. "I can't look! Alice, will you do it for me?"

She reached over and squeezed my hand. "Okay. Good luck, Bella."

She stood then, and I opened my eyes in time to see her glance down at the pregnancy test that I'd left resting next to the bathroom sink. A brilliant smile broke over her face, "It's negative."

"Negative?" I asked, working through my brain exactly what that meant. After a couple of moments, it clicked. "Oh thank God!"

"This is a good sign," Rosalie said cautiously. "But remember the instructions said you should retest in a week if your period doesn't start, Bella."

"Still, you shouldn't be too worried. It wasn't positive! There's a very good chance you're not pregnant. If you haven't started by the time you get back from England, we'll have you take the second test. I really don't think it'll be necessary though. You'll start soon. I just know it!"

I hoped Alice was right. When she'd made predictions in the past, they'd usually been eerily accurate. But was her overwhelming need to always see the silver lining and belief in the power of positive thinking messing with her prognosticating abilities in this case? I couldn't completely contain the fear that they might be.

"I think you're panicking a bit unnecessarily. It's not like you guys had unprotected sex. You said last night that you and Edward always used a condom."

"We did, Rose, but you know that condoms aren't foolproof."

"I'm just saying that a negative test plus knowing that you always had safe sex should help put your mind at ease."

"It does. But I don't think I'll be able to completely relax until my period comes."

"And in the meantime, just know that we're always here for you," Alice said.

Rosalie nodded her agreement. "That's what friends are for, right?"

After we'd cleaned up and covered our tracks in Alice's bathroom, the girls had actually gone back to sleep. I couldn't though. There were just too many thoughts going through my head. At seven o'clock, I'd given up trying. Quietly, so as not to wake Alice and Rose, I got dressed and packed up my things. I made a quick excuse to Aunt Mary and Uncle Nathan – they'd been sitting at the kitchen table drinking their morning coffee and saw me trying to leave. I'd told them that I was too excited about my trip to sleep and that I had some last minute things to do, and they'd shooed me off, wishing me a bon voyage.

As soon as I slid behind the wheel of my truck, I pulled out my cell and sent Edward a text. I didn't know if he'd be up this early, but I took a chance. A minute later, my phone beeped, alerting me of an incoming text.

**I'm up. Come over. Miss u. **

I sighed. This was not going to be fun.

When I found myself at Edward's front door, I knocked softly. I wasn't sure if his parents would be awake this early on a Saturday. So, I was mildly surprised that Edward's mother was the one to answer the door.

Esme Cullen was a beautiful woman who looked at least ten years younger than her actual age. I didn't know how old she really was – I'd never remembered to ask Edward – but she couldn't be as young as she looked unless she'd had Edward when she was like twelve. Her hair was a caramel color. Edward hadn't gotten his distinctive hair color from either of his parents, in fact. His father was blond. When I'd asked her about it one day, Esme had told me that Edward's hair had been inherited from her mother, Elizabeth. He also had his grandmother's bright green eyes, but his mother shared those with him too.

"Hi, Bella. You're up early this morning. Please, come in."

"Thanks, Esme." I'd tried to call Edward's mother Mrs. Cullen the first time I'd met her. She'd quickly nipped that in the bud, claiming that being called by that title made her feel old. It felt a little odd to me, being on a first name basis with Edward's mother, but if that's what she wanted, I could deal.

"Bella! Good morning!" Edward's father, Carlisle, greeted me as he walked out of the kitchen. "Does my son know that he's leaving this vision of loveliness waiting in our foyer? If so, it is entirely unforgivable."

Carlisle Cullen was a devastating total package. He had been born and raised in England until he was a teenager, and that was reflected in his accent and the cadence of his speech. As was evident in his greeting, Carlisle was also suave and romantic…and had a bit of a flair for the dramatic. Growing up with such a father, was it any wonder that Edward sometimes spoke as if he were from another time? Edward had also very obviously inherited his gorgeous face and body from his father. Carlisle reminded me of a young Robert Redford, only hotter. He had the classic golden boy looks but he possessed a sophistication and a patrician bearing that the current crop of Hollywood pretty boys could never hope to possess. Definitely a DILF. Well, in general terms. I mean, I personally would never go there, because that would be extremely sick and twisted. But as far as the other girls at Forks High were concerned, Dr. Cullen was fair game to add to their fantasy files.

"Hello, Carlisle. Umm… Edward did know that I was on my way over. I sent him a text."

"Hmm… I'm going to have to sit that boy down and have a long talk with him. He should definitely know better. Only a neglectful brute or a simpleton would leave this beauty unattended. I didn't raise Edward to be either. It's sheer carelessness on his part. One never knows when another man will swoop in and try to steal her." Carlisle reached out and took my hand then, bowing gallantly over it and then looking up into my eyes and giving me a mischievous wink.

I glanced quickly to Esme and saw her grin and roll her eyes at her husband's antics.

"Give it a rest, Dad." I heard Edward's voice before I saw him appear on the stairs. "Bella prefers the junior model."

"Oh, ouch! Darling, could you check my back and see if there's a dagger protruding from it?" Carlisle addressed Esme in a teasing tone.

She laughed at him indulgently. "I know that you are an excellent doctor, Carlisle. But I do believe that you really missed your true calling. A ham of your caliber should have pursued the stage."

"Et tu, Brute?"

Edward and his parents laughed. All I could manage was a small smile, and even that was forced. I was too nervous about my reason for being here to find humor in anything. Luckily for me, I didn't think any of them noticed.

"Love, what's wrong?" Edward suddenly asked me, taking my hand in his.

_So much for that theory._

"Nothing's wrong, Edward," I lied. "I guess I'm just not completely awake yet."

I looked at Esme and Carlisle and saw matching concerned expressions. I needed to lie better. Addressing Edward's mother I said, "You know how slumber parties are. We stayed up way too late talking and were up way too early this morning."

"Ah, yes," Esme agreed smiling. "The very last thing that girls ever do at a slumber party is actually sleep."

"Really, my darling? Hmmm… Have I thanked you today for giving me our strong, handsome _son_?" Carlisle asked, wrapping his arm around Esme's waist and leaning in to kiss her temple.

"There are always tradeoffs, dearest. I think that young girls are inherently braver. Remember those years from the ages of three to seven when Edward was afraid to go anywhere in our house alone, and he tried to talk his way into sleeping between us every night?"

"And on that note, Bella and I are going to my room…before you two launch into the really embarrassing stuff."

"Spoil our fun, why don't you, son? I'm sure Bella would love to hear the story about how every time we were in the car and we'd drive over a bump in the road, you used to say, 'That tickled my pee-pee.'" Carlisle laughed.

Edward turned me so that he now stood behind me, his hands covering my ears, "We can't hear you anymore…lalala."

"And then there was the time…" Esme began. But that was all I heard of that particular tale, because Edward had steered me away from his parents and up the stairs.

When we got to the second floor, Edward released me but immediately took possession of my hand again to lead me up the next flight of stairs. The Cullen house was huge, and Edward's room was the only occupied one on the third floor.

As we entered his bedroom, Edward closed the door behind us. This was common when we were together at his house, whether his parents were home or not. I was always struck with the difference in Edward's rules versus mine. My father would never have knowingly allowed my boyfriend to set one toe in my room, let alone allowed us to be behind closed doors together. It always made me wonder if this was just a difference in parenting style between Edward's parents and mine, or if this was the difference in the comfort level of raising a boy instead of a girl.

"Are you sure you're feeling alright, Bella?" He pulled me into his arms. "Is it really just a lack of sleep? You seem quieter than usual."

My arms tightened around him. "Just hold me, Edward. I really need you to hold me."

"Of course, love. You know you only ever need to ask."

After a few moments, he pulled back to press his lips against my forehead. He must have seen the tears in the corners of my eyes, however, because he suddenly froze. "Bella, you're seriously starting to scare me. What the hell is going on?"

I pulled out of his arms and led him to his bed. "Lay down with me…please. I need to talk to you, but I want to feel you against me for this particular conversation."

He hesitated. I could see a growing sense of foreboding in his eyes. But he did climb onto his bed and stretch out before holding out his arms for me.

I climbed up next to him and into his embrace. My head was against his chest, and his fingers wound their way into my hair. "What is it, Bella?" he asked cautiously. "Are you…" He paused and cleared his throat before finishing his question. "Are you breaking up with me?"

_So that's what he thought this was about? Well, maybe he's just projecting. Maybe he'll want to break up with me after I tell him this._

"No, Edward. That's not what this is about. I had to tell you that I…I lied to you."

_That was as good a place to start as any, and I might as well build up to this, right?_

"You lied to me," he said, his tone flat. "About what?"

"About what I actually did last night."

I felt his body tense under mine. "What did you do, Bella? Were you really with Alice and Rosalie? Or were you with…someone else?"

I was startled by the coldness in his voice at that question. I hadn't realized how he could misinterpret what I was trying to tell him.

_He thinks you were with some other guy._

_Well, given your recent past, can you really blame him for at least considering it?_

I felt horribly sad that he would think that, even for a moment, but in answer to my own internal question, I couldn't honestly blame him for it. I had used boys for comfort in the past; and, even though he had told me time and time again that he didn't judge me for it, how could Edward not have that small, nagging doubt in the back of his mind that maybe I'd do it again?

"I _was_ with Rose and Alice. We just didn't spend the night talking about boys and eating junk food."

I felt Edward's hand move to cup my jaw as he gently tipped my head back, so that he could look into my eyes. "What did the three of you do instead?"

This was the moment of truth. I had to tell him. "We drove into Forks. The girls helped me pick out a…pregnancy test, Edward. I took it this morning."

His eyes widened as he processed what I'd just told him. But then he completely shocked me when he simply lowered his lips to mine and kissed me gently. "I wish you'd just told me this before, sweetheart. I would have liked to be the one with you for all of this."

"Don't you want to know what the result was?"

"Of course, I do. But it doesn't really matter one way or the other, Bella. I love you, and I'll be right beside you, regardless of the result."

"It was negative." I searched his eyes for relief, but I didn't even detect a hint of it. I saw only love reflecting back at me.

"Okay," he said agreeably, as if we were discussing where to have dinner on a Thursday night and not something as life changing as the possibility of us having a baby right now.

"I need to tell you something else. Edward, there's a chance that the test result wasn't right. The earlier you take the test, the better the chance of getting a false negative."

"I thought those things were supposed to be really accurate," Edward said with mild curiosity.

"According to the instructions, a positive result is almost always accurate, but a negative result may just mean that my body hasn't made enough of the pregnancy hormone to be detected yet. If I haven't started my period in a few days, I'm supposed to take another test."

"Can I be there for that one?" he asked.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, praying to a God I wasn't sure existed that a second test wouldn't be necessary. You know what they say about no atheists in the trenches? Well I guess the same thing can be said of no atheists among potentially pregnant teenage girls. "Yes, Edward. If you want to be."

He brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. "Bella, exactly how late are you?"

"As of today, four days."

"And have you had any other symptoms of early pregnancy?"

That question threw me a bit. I'd been so worried about my period being late, that I hadn't really researched what else to expect. "I don't know. I don't think so," I hedged.

"If it would make you feel better, we could go downstairs and talk to my dad about this. He might…"

"No! I don't want to tell any of our parents about this until we know for sure we have no other choice! Edward, if my dad finds out about this, he will shoot you. And that is SO NOT a figure of speech!"

"Alright, Bella. We won't say anything to anyone else for now. But I want to talk about what happens if we are pregnant."

"We?"

"Yes…we! This is happening to both of us, love. Not just you. Now, if _we_ are pregnant…I think we should get married."

I sighed.

_Like I didn't see that one coming._

"Edward, we're not old enough to get married."

"We'll research Washington's marriage laws online. But even if we can't get married until we're both eighteen, that will still be before the baby is born."

I looked away from him. I couldn't say what I needed to now while looking into his eyes. "I'm just not sure that getting married so young and keeping the baby is the best option. It's…what my parents did with me, and they've always had to struggle."

"I'm not saying it would be easy, sweetheart. It may take us longer to get through school than the average student. But, Bella, we won't have to worry about money."

"You think your parents are going to support us? What if they're mad about us getting married? What if they don't want us to keep the baby?"

"I'm positive my parents would never do that. They may not be completely thrilled to see me married and a father at eighteen, but I can't see them turning their backs on us. But even if they do, I have money of my own…or I will have. My grandparents set up a trust fund for me before they died. I'll have complete access to the money in June. It might not be enough to live on forever, but it's definitely more than enough to pay our way through school and to support us until we're established. Most couples older than us start out with less."

My head was spinning. "I don't know, Edward. I'm just so tired. I can't think. I didn't sleep much last night worrying about all of this. All I've been doing for the last four days is thinking. I just don't have it in me to do any more right now."

"Why don't you just close your eyes and try to sleep for a bit. I'll hold you close and keep you safe, love."

"I can't. I have to catch my flight."

"It's still early. Your flight doesn't leave until late this afternoon. You can catch a nap. I'll wake you in time."

I had my doubts about being able to sleep, but I closed my eyes anyway. I concentrated on relaxing my body and the feel of Edward's arms around me. And then he began to hum softly. I couldn't be entirely sure, but I think I was asleep within seconds.

_I was in a cemetery, standing before an open grave. I could feel someone beside me, and when I glanced over, I was shocked to find Mike standing there, smiling at me._

"_Bella, it's good to see you. I hear things have been good for you. You and Cullen finally got together, huh?" he asked._

_Unsure of why I was there and a little nervous to find Mike with me, I simply nodded._

"_So you guys are busy planning your future – getting married, having a baby. It's all very exciting," he said, his tone light and conversational. And then suddenly his eyes flashed with anger and he reached out and grabbed my arm in a hard, unrelenting grip. "Would you like to see the future you granted me?"_

_Against my will, my gaze slid to the yawning hole at my feet. There, at the bottom, was a casket – the same one I'd seen over a year ago at Mike's funeral. Just like then, I was surprised to see it was standing open. Mike was lying inside. I quickly turned my head and saw he was also still standing beside me. The two Mikes were wearing the same clothes – the last ones I'd seen him in at the funeral – but that is where the similarities ended. The Mike beside me was the warm, living boy that I remembered. The Mike at the bottom of the grave had begun to decay. His skin was waxy and gray-white in color. His eyes were open, staring blankly at the sky, a cloudy film covering and distorting the color of the irises._

"_See, Bella. This is the future I found with you. You're going on with your life as if nothing ever happened, as if I never existed, while I'm rotting under your feet."_

_He laughed then, and the sound chilled me to the bone. "And still I think I got a better deal than the one you've given Cullen. At least you killed me quickly. You're planning to bury him alive slowly, year by year."_

"_No!" I denied Mike's accusation, but in my heart I questioned if he were right._

"Baby, wake up." The words were far away, easy to ignore.

"_You're going about it in a different way, but the end result will be the same. You took my future from me, and isn't that exactly what you're doing to him?"_

"_Stop! No more!" I begged as I squeezed my eyes shut to block out both Mikes._

"Bella, open your eyes." The far away voice was closer now, more insistent.

"_Yes, Bella," Mike taunted, "open your eyes and see what you've done."_

_Against my will, my eyes sprang open. The Mike beside me was gone. The grave at my feet was now closed. A blanket of new grass covered it. And a headstone had been erected. But it wasn't Mike's name that appeared on the stone. In its place, carved into the weathered granite was the name Edward Cullen._

I woke myself screaming.

"Shhh, shhh. Bella, I'm here. It was just a bad dream," Edward soothed as his arms tightened around me.

"Oh, Edward!" I was so happy to see him there, to feel him next to me, to know that he was alive, that I threw my arms around him and held on for dear life.

He held me close, his hand rubbing slow circles on my back. "Do you want to talk about it, love?"

Panic seized me. I couldn't tell him. It was too raw, too fresh.

"I think this was one for my journal," I whispered. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand."

Just then, I began cramping. "I…uhh…need to use the restroom. I'll be right back, okay?"

He frowned but let me go. I scooted away from him, off the bed, and was halfway to the door when his voice stopped me. "Love, are you alright?"

I didn't turn around. "I don't know, Edward." And then I was through the door and closed it firmly behind me.

In the bathroom, I spared a glance at my reflection in the mirror above the sink. I was pale and looked frightened. Well, I was frightened, so I guess that made sense.

Crossing to the toilet, I sat down to pee. I looked down at my underwear, but there was none of the telltale spotting I was hoping for. After I finished, I tore off several sheets of toilet paper and wadded them before cleaning myself. I then inspected the paper. It had come away from my body with the slightest pink tint.

_Oh holy Jesus! Thank you! I'm _not _pregnant!_

I allowed myself a sigh of relief. But only one. Then my nightmare began playing back through my mind. I hadn't fucked up Edward's life yet – but if he stayed with me, I would eventually, wouldn't I? It was what I did after all.

I washed my hands mechanically and made my way back to Edward's room. As soon as I walked through the door, I was in his arms.

"Can you tell me now, Bella? Are you okay?" he asked before pressing his lips to my hair.

"Yes, Edward. I'm fine. My period started, so we don't have to worry anymore."

"Bella, I wasn't worried. In fact, deep down I'm a little disappointed. I know it's not the smartest way to go about things, but part of me was happy with the idea of not having to wait for you to be my wife and to start our family."

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say.

"Don't be sorry. It just wasn't meant to be right now, that's all. So, we'll wait. I don't mind as long as we're together."

"Okay."

He raised one eyebrow at me. "You're still acting strangely. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Edward. I…I guess I just feel kind of emotionally exhausted. It's like I've expended all the feelings I have, and I think I just need time to recharge my batteries or something. Does that make sense?"

"Under the circumstances, it makes perfect sense." He leaned down to kiss me, but I turned my face away slightly, and he ended up kissing my cheek instead.

"I need to go. I have to get ready, and I still have some last minute packing to do. Walk me to the truck?"

He gave me a puzzled look, but readily agreed, "Sure, Bella. I'll walk you out."

When we reached the truck, Edward, always the gentleman, opened my door for me. I started to climb in, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm. "Hey, I'm not going to see you for a week. Don't I get a proper goodbye?"

He was right. He did deserve a proper goodbye from me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and stood on tiptoe to press my lips to his. I didn't rush this kiss. I let myself savor it…

Knowing that this may well be the last kiss we'd ever share.

* * *

Alright, I know I said there would be no teen pregnancy in this story. And there won't be. But I did say that anything else that could possibly happen in high school was fair game...that includes a pregnancy scare. I really am sorry I couldn't give you another Wussperv chapter, but there are still underlying issues that Bella hasn't faced yet. She has things she has to work through, and unfortunately during this interlude with Edward, she's been ignoring more than dealing. I hope that you all are willing to let her (and me) explore these issues.

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. And big, huge thanks to Delta for giving me guidance all the way from China, and to Gemma most especially for the next few chapters. Gemma, I couldn't possibly have written this without you.

A teaser for chapter 27 will be posted in the On a Lonesome Road thread on Twilighted this Friday, May 14th.

Chapter 27 will be posted next Tuesday, May 18th.


	27. Journey of SelfDestruction

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 27 – Journey of Self-Destruction

I had over thirteen hours in the air and a two and a half hour layover in New York to think about things. So much had happened since I woke up at Alice's this morning, and I couldn't stop going over and over everything in my mind.

I wasn't pregnant. That was most definitely a good thing. No matter how optimistic Edward had been, I just couldn't see how us getting married and having a kid this young could have turned out well.

Edward wanted to be an engineer. When I'd first met him, I'd thought maybe he'd want to do something with his music. As we'd gotten closer though I'd learned that, in addition to music, he also loved finding out how things worked. He would make me laugh when he would buy some new gadget and then immediately throw the instruction manual over his shoulder without sparing it a glance. He would grin crookedly at me and say, "Figuring it out on my own is half the fun."

Just exactly how would he have found the time to study something as complex and challenging as engineering between feedings and diapers and everything else that came along with a baby? And that wasn't even counting the time he'd feel obligated to devote to me.

It would be too much…too much pressure on him, too much of a strain on us. Something would have to give, and knowing Edward the way I did, I had no doubt that he would sacrifice himself and what he wanted before he'd ever hurt me or our child.

No!

There was no baby now, but if we continued on like this – if we kept going at it like rabbits – it would happen sooner or later. I would completely ruin Edward's life, just like I had ruined Mike's. I would not let that happen! I couldn't!

My nightmare came back to me then. Mike had been right. I had destroyed him, and I was going to destroy Edward too. I shivered as Mike's words echoed through my mind. "At least you killed me quickly. You're planning to bury him alive slowly, year by year."

That's exactly what I would be doing. I would chain Edward to me way too soon. It was already happening! At the thought, my eyes focused on the physical proof that I was right – his ring gleaming on my left ring finger.

He'd already asked me to marry him for Christ's sake! Twice! He had been so willing, eager even, to accept the responsibilities of a wife and child at the age of seventeen! There had been no hesitation. None. He hadn't even bothered to take the time to think things through. He hadn't even considered what he'd be giving up!

He'd be missing out on being young – on parties and fraternities and hanging out at bars with friends. What about other girls? What if he went to college, met someone amazing, and realized that she was his true soul mate? No, not if…but _when_! When would he realize what I'd always known; that he was too good for me, that he deserved better. And when that happened…

God, he'd grow to hate me! Once he truly understood what being with me had cost him, how could he not?

This was all my fault. I had done this.

I had known better. I shouldn't have been so weak. How many times had I warned myself that I was no good for Edward? How many times had I told myself that I couldn't let myself love him? I'd been right! Why hadn't I listened?

I knew why – because I _did _love him.

But if I _really_ loved him, why had I done this to him?

Edward had known, hadn't he? Something inside had warned him to be cautious. Deep down, he had known I was dangerous.

His entire argument for taking things slowly…that was just his survival instinct trying to tell him to stay as far away from me as he could! What other reason could there be? He was a healthy, red-blooded man at his sexual peak, and still he hadn't wanted to fuck me, still he'd wanted to wait.

_Edward hadn't wanted to fuck at all. Edward had wanted to make love._

_But you can't make love to a monster, can you? A monster doesn't deserve love. A monster only deserves fucking. And that's what I am. That's what I always have been._

Of course, that's what I was. Monster.

I had pushed him into doing it.

He hadn't been ready, and I forced him into it.

Look at what almost happened because of it. I had almost dragged Edward down with me!

Why? Why did I make him do something that he clearly wasn't ready for?

And suddenly I understood. Suddenly I got it. Suddenly it all made sense.

I had done all of this because…

Because being with Edward made me feel good!

That's why I threw caution to the wind. That's why I'd let him wear me down even when I knew it was a bad idea.

Loving Edward had brought me happiness beyond my wildest imagination. But I had been entirely selfish to give in!

Selfish.

Monster.

Me.

I hadn't done it because I knew it would be good for him. No. I'd done it because it was good for me!

I'd only cared about how I felt!

And I…

Oh Christ! I'd used him!

I had!

Just like I'd used the others.

He hadn't wanted to have sex, but I had and that's all that mattered to me!

How many times had Edward told me I wasn't a monster? But I absolutely was!

I had done this to him!

I had taken his virginity.

I had taken his love and used it to get what I wanted from him.

All so I could pull myself out of my own darkness.

I had fed on him. I had sucked him dry.

All so I could live.

What better definition of a monster was there?

I had to think. I knew I had to stop – that what I was doing now was the complete opposite of thinking. All I was doing was whipping myself into a frenzied panic.

Not that what I was telling myself was untrue, it was! But letting these realizations tumble together without taking the time to consider them was counterproductive.

I needed to shut down.

I needed to turn myself off for awhile and reboot.

Someone without my experience may have been at a loss as to how to accomplish that, but I knew. I knew exactly what I needed to do.

I needed to reintroduce myself to my old friend, numbness.

And that's exactly what I did. I pulled the numbness to me and embraced it, clung to it, lost myself inside of it.

Briefly, I wondered if I'd ever be able to let go this time or if the numbness would finally swallow me whole.

With satisfaction I realized that I simply didn't care.

It was working.

Heathrow Airport was a madhouse. Mr. Cline, our chaperone, was yelling for everyone to stay together as we wound our way through the crowds. There was utter chaos as we made our way to baggage claim and then had to wait for everyone to find and take possession of their luggage. Usually, I would have been impatient and frustrated that we were wasting so much time here, but now I just didn't care. Say what you will about the numbness, but it definitely had its uses.

When we finally made our way out of the airport and onto the tour bus that would take us to our hotel, it was early evening in London. Mr. Cline told us that we weren't to do anything at the hotel except drop our stuff off in our rooms and meet him back in the lobby.

You should have heard the groans. After traveling all night, most of us just wanted to climb into bed and pass out – none more so than me, I was sure. Unlike everyone else, I hadn't slept a single wink the entire trip. I had been too busy dissecting my relationship with Edward and contemplating what a horrible person I really was. Sleep had been the last thing on my mind at the time, but now that my mind was carefully numb, my body just wanted to rest too. However, that didn't look like that would be happening anytime soon. Damn it!

The hotel was nice. It didn't look like the cookie-cutter, seen-one-you've-seen-them-all kind of hotels that I was used to in America. This one was older and had character. I liked it. Of course, I couldn't have explained to you exactly what I liked about it at that moment, because I was so sleep deprived that my brain could no longer process rational thought.

After agreeing to room with Chelsea Anderson – a girl I knew slightly because we'd had a couple of classes together – and picking up our key from the front desk, we quickly dumped our luggage just inside the door of our room and then went back downstairs to meet up with the others. There were other students already milling around the lobby, but we had to wait a few more minutes until everyone was assembled. There were twenty-one of us in all – twenty students and Mr. Cline.

"Are we all here?" Mr. Cline asked before taking a head count. "Alright. Time to head into the dining room for dinner," he announced.

Somehow everyone made it through dinner without falling asleep with their noses in their plates. Don't ask me what dinner consisted of though, because I couldn't honestly tell you. I just moved my fork from the plate to my mouth and chewed with no conscious thought. I had no conscious thought. I was thoroughly unconscious, practically sleeping with my eyes open.

After dinner, Mr. Cline gathered us together in the lobby one last time for the night. "Before I let you all go crash, there are a couple things we need to go over. Here are my expectations for this trip."

_You have got to be kidding me! We're going over rules now?_

"I'm only going to say this once, so please pay attention. I will be treating you as adults. All of you are either already eighteen or soon will be. I am not your mother, nor do I have any desire to act as one while we are here. I'm required to tell you that there will be no boys allowed in girls' rooms or vice versa. But I'll also tell you that I'm not going to waste my time or yours doing room checks. You'll be doing a lot of touring on your own. There will be alcohol available to you here in England, and I fully expect that you will take advantage of that fact. I will not be taking breathalyzers or doling out punishments. Just try not to go completely nuts, okay? All I ask is that when we're supposed to meet as a group, you don't keep me waiting and that you don't indulge in anything illegal. Other than that, you're free to enjoy your Spring Break. Any questions?"

There was silence. None of us knew how to react.

Finally, Marcus Williams said what we'd all been thinking, "Mr. Cline, are you serious?"

"Absolutely. Now, is there anything else?"

We just stared blankly at one another. We were in complete shock. None of us had had anyone treat us as adults before. It was disorienting.

Mr. Cline took our silence to mean that we had no further questions, when the truth was that we had too many to even voice. "Good. I'll meet you all here at eight o'clock tomorrow morning. Don't be late. Goodnight."

I didn't really walk to my room. It was more like I stumbled drunkenly. That was actually a pretty accurate description, even though I hadn't imbibed a drop of alcohol. I'd never been _this_ sleep deprived before, and I felt drunk.

Our room contained two double beds. Chelsea attempted to have a conversation with me about which bed I wanted, but I told her I didn't care. She took the one closest to the bathroom, and I had to force myself not to collapse on the other one. Although I really didn't want to, I did take the time to rummage through my suitcase and pull out a pair of pajamas. Then without brushing my teeth and with only a practically incoherent good night to Chelsea, I fell into bed. I was instantly asleep, and miraculously, I didn't dream.

By passing out early, I totally lucked out and managed to get into the bathroom before Chelsea the next morning. The girl took _forever _to get ready. I decided then and there that I would be taking my showers before bedtime from now on.

We still had time before we had to meet the group, so I hung out and waited for Chelsea. Needing something to do to kill some time, I pulled out my journal and updated it. I hadn't written in it since the pregnancy scare and its aftermath, so I had a lot to catch up on. Writing everything down, seeing what I had done there in bold, black ink before me, just solidified my resolve.

You see, I had come to a decision. I had to save Edward…from me…from himself. He thought he wanted to be with me, that he loved me, but I wasn't what he needed. When I got back, I was going to break up with him. I had no other choice. I loved him too much to allow myself to poison him any longer. He deserved so much better than me, and I was determined that he not give up a single thing for me anymore.

The problem was, though, that I didn't have the slightest clue how to actually pull this off. I knew Edward well enough to know that he wouldn't just let me go. He would argue. He would persuade. He would sweet-talk. I loved him so much. So, how could I withstand his attempts to keep me with him? I didn't know the answer yet. I'd have to think about it. I had a week, right? That would be plenty of time to figure out exactly how to break his heart…and mine.

"You ready?" Chelsea asked me with a note of irritation in her voice. She was standing at the door, her foot impatiently tapping, like she'd been the one waiting around on me all this time.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her. "Sure. Let's go," I said, sliding off the bed and slipping into my shoes. I could already tell that my first experience having a roommate was going to be a challenge.

When we got downstairs, Chelsea and I sat down in a pair of wicker chairs kept in the lobby and chatted about nothing of significance. We really didn't know each other well enough to have a meaningful discussion about anything. The silences between us had started to lengthen and the conversation was beginning to border on painful when we heard Chelsea's name being called.

"Chelse! There you are!"

I turned and saw Alec Davis walking towards us with Felix Lawson close on his heels. I blushed and looked away. I had known that Felix was here, of course. I had seen him yesterday while we were traveling and before that at the informational meetings for the trip. But I hadn't actually talked to him since the night I'd made out with him at Tyler's party over a year ago.

"Alec!" Chelsea jumped out of her chair and threw herself into Alec's arms. "I missed you, baby!"

The two of them then proceeded to put on an embarrassing display complete with goo-goo eyes and baby-talk. It was mildly sickening.

Alright, for those of you out there who are thinking right now that I was being a big old hypocrite because I had clearly been physically affectionate with Edward in public before, I will admit that you have a slight point. It's true that Edward and I had not exactly been hands-free – or lips-free – in our PDAs. And we had been known to indulge in the pet names a bit…okay, a lot! Still, we had never publicly addressed one another as if we were both talking to someone still in diapers. We did try to hold on to at least a little of our dignity, even though we were so overwhelmingly head-over-heels in love with each other.

Correction. We HAD been overwhelmingly head-over-heels in love with each other. I was going to have to get used to the past tense, and the sooner, the better.

After a long and obviously very wet kiss, the couple finally broke apart. "Oh, Bella. This is my boyfriend, Alec." Chelsea introduced us, trying to exhibit that she had at least some of the social graces while at the same time wiping her boyfriend's slobber from her lips.

Alec was a senior. I had seen him around school, but we'd never had any classes together or anything. "Hello, Alec. It's nice to meet you."

Since his arms were full of Chelsea, he just nodded to me instead of shaking my hand. "Hi, Bella. This is my friend and roommate for this week, Felix."

"We've…um…met," Felix said, ducking his head a little. Perhaps to try and hide the pink staining of his cheeks? If so, he failed miserably.

"Ah, I see," Alec said with a knowing grin. "Well, since you two are old friends, why don't we make it a foursome while we're here in London."

Both Felix and I looked quickly at Alec with our mouths agape. "Excuse me, Alec. What did you just say?" Felix asked, clearly also doubting that we'd heard Alec correctly.

Alec laughed. "What I meant was why don't the four of us stick together and sightsee? I don't have to ask where both your minds were. They were evidently firmly entrenched in the gutter. Why are all of my friends complete pervs?"

"Misery loves company?" I suggested with a shrug.

"It takes one to know one?" Felix smirked.

There was a beat of silence before Alec and Chelsea looked at each other and started to laugh.

"Oh, you two are perfect for each other. And since Chelsea and I are responsible for reintroducing you guys, that means you're going to have to name your kids after us." Alec winked.

_Alright, this is really awkward!_

"I…have a boyfriend," I said just to make sure it was clear to all parties that nothing would be happening between Felix and me.

But did I really have a right to claim Edward when I was planning to let him go? The thought opened up a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

"Alec was just teasing, Bella," Chelsea reassured me. "I'm sure Felix can keep his hands to himself."

Both Felix and I blushed again. Chelsea and Alec began having a conversation of their own then, so that left the two of us standing uncomfortably together. At least, I know _I _was uncomfortable.

"Bella, listen. I know you're with that Cullen guy now…" Felix began.

"Edward," I supplied.

"Right. Edward. Well, I just wanted to say that I'd like it if we could be friends. I completely understand and respect that that's all we can be. And, if it's okay with you, I'd really like for us to hang out this week. What do you say?"

"Just friends?" I asked uncertainly.

"Absolutely. I already know that I like talking to you and being with you. I'd love to have the opportunity to do that again…in a strictly platonic sense."

With a sense of unease, I thought about Edward. I knew how he'd react to me hanging out with Felix. He was one of the guys I'd kissed before, after all. I knew that the very idea made Edward jealous. And Felix had been involved with that bet the football players had had about me. Even though he hadn't really participated in the bet and had told Emmett about it, Edward would _hate_ the idea of me spending time with him. But maybe that was exactly why I should agree. Should I be letting what Edward would or wouldn't like dictate my actions now? We weren't even going to be together soon! Besides, wouldn't this be a great opening to start our break up? It would definitely give us something to argue about.

That wasn't what finally made my mind up for me though. The bottom line was that I liked Felix. Why shouldn't I be friends with him? Because he was male? That was just silly! I was friends with Emmett and Jasper. I was even friends with Jake, and I'd kissed him too! Edward didn't have a problem with Jake. Why should Felix be any different?

_He is though…and you know it._

_What was that? I didn't hear you._

_Yes, you did._

_Alright, I didn't _want _to hear you then._

_Understood. I'll shut up now so you can fully enjoy your denial._

_Thank you. It's much appreciated._

"Okay, Felix. Friends," I agreed.

He smiled brightly at me and stuck out his hand. "Should we shake on it?" he asked.

I returned his smile as I reached out to take his hand. Immediately my smile froze. The moment our skin had touched, I felt a tingling hum shoot through my fingertips, into my palm, and up my arm. It wasn't the high voltage electricity I felt with Edward…but there was no denying it was there.

_This is not going to end well._

_Oh, absolutely not. You're completely fucked._

_Yeah, I figured that out on my own. Thanks._

After a quick breakfast at the hotel, Mr. Cline led us to the nearest Underground station. He had encouraged us all to buy a pass that would allow us to use the Underground – or as we would have referred to it, the subway – as often as we liked, without having to pay for each trip individually, and it really did speed things along immensely as we traveled from place to place.

It was only a short trip to our destination for the morning, and I'd sat next to Felix on the train and walked with him as we made our way out of the station. I'd pushed what happened earlier when he'd touched me out of my mind. So, I found him attractive…so what? I mean, I'd known that already. I had made out with the guy once, for Christ's sake. And Felix had always been different. He was the first guy I'd lost myself with. I hadn't purposely sought him out just to make myself feel better. I'd just liked him…really liked him. That's why I'd been with him. But I could accept his friendship without acting on my attraction. People did it all the time. Being in a relationship didn't mean you stopped noticing the opposite sex. You just decided not to do anything about it. I could do that – even though I wouldn't be in a relationship for much longer.

Walking up Piccadilly, we reached our first stop for the day – Piccadilly Circus. And for your information, no, Piccadilly Circus is not a real circus. It's just a well-known convergence of streets in London's West End. This place was one of the busiest in London – with shopping, restaurants, and theaters to be found here. It was actually a little disorienting at first. There was so much traffic…both of the vehicular and pedestrian varieties. But my focus was drawn away from the screeching of cars and bustle of the people around me. Instead, my sights were set on the famous electronic billboards that made this place iconic. I had seen them in so many movies – it was so cool to be really seeing them there before me. Looking at them, I thought about just how many times I'd seen Bridget Jones walk by these very signs. It was like single girl Mecca. I mean, there…right there, in lights, Bridget had announced she'd had replaced food with having sex with Daniel.

"Bella, are you alright?" Felix asked me, snapping me out of my reverie.

"Umm… Yeah. Why?" I asked, trying to be nonchalant.

"Well, you were just sort of staring off into space with your eyes glazed over." He was looking at me with genuine concern.

I couldn't help the small smile I gave him; it was just such a ridiculous circumstance to be called out on. "I'm afraid you caught me in the middle of a rather torrid Hugh Grant fantasy."

Felix blushed. He really was cute when he did that. "Oh. I'm…sorry to interrupt then. Carry on. I just have one question though, before you continue."

I felt my smile grow. "And what would that be?"

"Well, as your friend, I just wanted to know if you'd like me to wipe the drool for you if it becomes too noticeable."

I looked around swiftly and noticed both Chelsea and Alec were out of hearing range. "Actually, I was thinking I might employ that subtle swipe across my lips with the back of my hand like Chelsea does after kissing Alec."

He laughed. "I guess that works too."

Just then, Chelsea came running over to us with Alec in tow. "Look what I just bought from that street vendor over there," she said, reaching her hand into a small plastic bag and pulling out a pair of handcuffs.

"Well," Felix said, "I suppose we don't have to guess what you and Alec will be up to later."

Chelsea giggled. That was it…just giggled. If I had just publicly declared myself into bondage, I would have been tomato red.

"It's funny you should mention that," Alec said. "Chelsea and I have been thinking."

_Thinking? Was Chelsea even capable of that?_

I shot a glance at Felix and could tell the very same thought had crossed his mind. I smiled at him again, and he gave me a covert wink.

"You know how Mr. Cline said that he wouldn't be doing room checks?" Alec asked.

"Yes…" Felix said hesitantly.

"Well," Chelsea broke in, "Alec and I want to room together for the rest of the week. If Mr. Cline really isn't going to check rooms, then I don't see why we should be apart while we're here. So Felix, you can move in with Bella, and I'll move in with Alec. Everybody wins."

_Ummm… Presumptuous much?_

"Excuse me, Chelsea. But could you explain to me just exactly how this little arrangement of yours benefits Felix and me?" I asked.

She looked puzzled. "If we switched roommates, then I could be with my boyfriend."

"Yes, I got that part," I said slowly, so that she could keep up. "What I don't get is why I should agree to this plan."

"Really, did it ever cross your minds that maybe Bella would be uncomfortable having a male roommate who isn't _her _boyfriend?" Felix asked sharply.

"Come on, it's not that big a deal," Alec cajoled. "You two know each other, and you obviously get along well. You'll just be roommates. We're not asking you to shack up together."

"Actually, that's exactly what you're asking us to do," I contradicted.

"You know what I mean. There are two beds. Surely you guys can handle occupying the same room for just a few days. Can't you two be adult about this?"

I knew I should just say no. Why would I even consider this? It wasn't a matter of doing a friend a favor. I barely knew Chelsea, and I'd just met Alec. And the way Chelsea had acted all entitled about it kind of pissed me off. Still, I could understand that they just wanted to be together. They had an opportunity here to sleep next to each other in the same bed. How could I deny that to them? I mean, it was always something that I'd wanted desperately to do with…

I stopped myself before letting his name slip into my thoughts.

"Okay, let me think about this. Give me a chance to talk things over with Felix. We'll let you know before the end of the day. Is that alright with you, Felix?" I asked him.

I could tell from his expression that I'd surprised him. "Yeah, sure. That's fine with me, Bella."

Soon after that, Mr. Cline gathered everyone together to make our next destination, Westminster Abbey.

The Abbey was breathtaking…and huge. I briefly wondered if every church in Forks would fit inside this one. I suspected they would easily, with tons of room to spare. It was definitely unlike any church I'd ever seen before. Not that I'd been inside that many churches, but you know, I'd been to weddings and stuff, so I'd seen a few.

We followed Mr. Cline around as he showed us where many of England's former monarchs were buried inside the church. I was particularly struck by the idea that I was actually seeing the place where Queen Elizabeth I was interred. I'd always been drawn to Elizabeth's story. She had been the most powerful woman of her age. She had been a woman who defied convention and wouldn't allow herself to become the puppet of men, but who instead had ruled with a skill and courage that made her one of England's greatest ever monarchs, male or female. Elizabeth had always been inspirational to me, and I was moved to be able to pay my own silent respects to her.

"I'm hungry. When do you think we can get out of here and get lunch?" Chelsea whined.

I shut my eyes and cringed. _Way to ruin the moment, Chelse._

"I'm going to take you to Poet's Corner," Mr. Cline replied to Chelsea's question. "After that, I'm setting you guys free for the rest of the day. You can spend as much time wondering around the Abbey as you like and then spend the rest of the afternoon doing whatever you want. I just ask that you be back at the hotel by seven o'clock for dinner."

"So, we're going to have to find our own way back to the hotel?" Garrett Matthews asked.

"I already told you that you'd be touring on your own. You're going to have to figure out how to find your way around eventually. There's no time like the present, is there? Besides, do you really want to spend the afternoon with me, showing you what I want to see, when you could be out exploring what you're really interested in?"

I could tell by the look on the faces around me, that everyone was having the same reaction I had to Mr. Cline's words. Yes, I had been a little scared at the prospect of being left alone in the middle of London. But it was also exciting to be on my own, to be free to do what _I_ wanted to do and not be dictated to. I suddenly felt very grown up and independent and I liked that feeling.

"Here we are. Poet's Corner. Some of Britain's greatest authors and poets are either buried or commemorated here – Charles Dickens, Chaucer, Jane Austen, the Brontë sisters, Lord Tennyson. And here is where I leave you. See you all at seven." With that Mr. Cline continued on his own private tour of Poet's Corner without a backward glance.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Felix beside me looking after Mr. Cline with a smile on his lips. "That man may just be the coolest chaperone ever."

"Yeah," I agreed. "I'm really surprised by his hands-off attitude though. In this day and age you'd think he'd worry about something happening to one of us and getting himself sued or fired…or probably both."

"Hey, I'm not going to be the one to point that out to him. I like being on our own, don't you?"

Before I could answer, Alec and Chelsea walked up to us. "Are you guys ready to go?" Alec asked.

"Go? But we haven't even looked through Poet's Corner yet," I said a tad indignantly. It may sound weird that a seventeen-year-old girl was looking forward to perusing the names of dead authors and poets who were buried beneath her feet, but I really was.

"Come on, Bella. This is boring. There has to be something more exciting to do around here," Chelsea responded.

"Why don't you guys go on without us? I'll stay with Bella," Felix volunteered.

I glanced at him uncertainly. "Are you sure?" I asked. "I might be here awhile, Felix. I love this kind of thing."

"It's fine, Bella. I don't mind staying with you at all."

"Okay then, we'll see you two at dinner," Alec said over his shoulder as he led Chelsea away with his hand so low on the small of her back that it was practically resting on her ass.

When they were a good distance away from us, Felix leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I'll bet you that they're going straight back to the hotel to try out the handcuffs."

I noticed Chelsea turn towards Alec so that her breasts brushed against his side. "No bet," I whispered back and chuckled.

Two hours later, I was sitting in a sandwich shop across a table from Felix.

"How's the turkey?" he asked.

"Well, apparently a turkey sandwich is the same on both sides of the pond. This tea is fantastic though. I wouldn't have expected it from a little Mom and Pop place like this."

He laughed. "This is England, Bella. I think it's illegal or something to serve an inferior cup of tea here."

I smiled at him. "True. I guess I just wasn't thinking."

Suddenly his expression became stern. "Speaking of not really thinking…" he began.

"Yes?" I asked, intrigued.

"You're not seriously considering this room switch plot of Chelsea and Alec's, are you?"

I hadn't been expecting the abrupt change in topic, and I blinked while trying to reorganize my thoughts. "Oh. I don't know. I guess I was. Why, don't you want to?"

His expression softened. "Bella, do you really think you and I sharing a room would be a good idea?"

"I don't see why not. Like Alec said, there are two beds. I can be an adult and behave myself if you can," I challenged.

"And you honestly believe that Edward would be fine with this if he knew? If you were my girlfriend, I would hate the idea of you living in the same room with another guy."

"Oh, you're absolutely right. Edward would be livid if he found out."

"So I guess that's that. Decision made," Felix said.

"Yep," I agreed, "When do you want to move in?"

He sat back and stared at me, flabbergasted. "Bella, didn't we just establish that your boyfriend would be furious if we shared a room?"

I shrugged, "Well, I won't tell him if you don't."

I didn't take a shower that night like I'd originally planned. Felix had promised me that he only took like 15 minutes total in the bathroom to get ready. I was willing to take his word for it until I saw for myself tomorrow.

He had been an exemplary roommate thus far. Of course, it had only been a couple of hours now. We'd waited until after dinner and then for everyone else to be settled behind closed doors before even attempting the move. We were hoping not to have any witnesses. Sure, Mr. Cline had said that there wouldn't be room checks, but none of us thought it would be a good idea to advertise that we were going co-ed. Even with the hallways clear though, we were taking a chance. We knew that nobody was actually asleep yet. It was too early. No, people were visiting one another's rooms, gathered together to talk or do whatever. Luckily, we didn't encounter anyone while transporting Chelsea's and Felix's belongings.

Once he was settled in, Felix and I had just sat around talking about nothing in particular. He kept me entertained by telling me funny stories about Coach Maxwell. It seemed that he loathed the man almost as much as the Bandsies did. I, in turn, told him some of my favorite Emmett tales. I had him laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe when I recounted Emmett's misadventures while dressed in drag.

"Oh, I would love to have a picture of Emmett in a dress," he gasped out.

I smiled widely, "I can do better than that. I have video."

"You have a copy of the movie?"

"Yeah, I asked them for one and the fools gave it to me. I don't know what they were thinking. I now possess prime blackmail material that will last for years." I chuckled.

"I have got to see that, Bella."

"When we get home, you can come over and watch it with me. I haven't seen it myself in awhile."

"Okay," he agreed, "it's a date."

Just then, I yawned loudly. I had lost all track of time while talking to Felix, and I hadn't realized how late it had gotten.

"Well, as much as I'd love to hear about Emmett and his amazing traveling breasts until dawn, I think we should call it a night. Do you want the bathroom first," he offered.

"Umm… Sure. Thanks." I crossed to where my suitcase was lying on the floor and pulled out my toiletries and pajamas before making my way to the bathroom.

Once in the bathroom, I changed out of my clothes and into the white tank top and cotton pajama bottoms I planned to sleep in. Then, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I also ran a brush through my hair and debated on whether or not I should braid it for the night. Deciding to leave it down, I replaced everything in my toiletries bag, grabbed my dirty clothes, and walked back into the bedroom.

I didn't spare a glance at Felix as I made my way back to my suitcase and repacked everything inside. Straightening up and turning around, I was surprised to find him staring at me intently. When he realized I'd caught him though, he blushed and looked away.

"So, I guess it's my turn," he mumbled as he moved to repeat what I had just done. "Be right back."

While Felix was in the bathroom, I turned down the covers on my bed and slid between the sheets. I had left the light on for him, so he'd be able to see when he came out. Relaxing into my pillow with a sigh, I closed my eyes. It really had been a long day.

I felt my body practically melt into the bed. It was heaven to just let everything go and give in to exhaustion. I wasn't asleep when I heard Felix walk back into the room though, and I opened my eyes to look at him without really thinking about it. At the sight of him, my mouth suddenly went dry, my heart sped up, and I completely forgot about being tired.

I had always thought Felix was good-looking. But I had never seen him quite so…naked before. Okay, he wasn't entirely naked. He was wearing a pair of basketball shorts. But that left a ton of exposed skin for my eyes to wander, and that's exactly what my eyes did too, wander. The dim light shone behind him, bringing out the golden highlights in his light brown hair. His eyes were soft brown velvet as he looked at me. His shoulders were broad, his arms strong and toned, his chest and abs well-defined, and his waist trim.

"I hope this is okay," he said interrupting my inventory of his body. "This is what I usually sleep in, because I tend to get hot at night." When I didn't say anything right away he looked worried. "I can put a t-shirt on if it makes you more comfortable, Bella."

It took me another few moments to snap out of my hot-bod induced stupor. "What? No. Don't be silly, Felix. You should wear whatever you usually do. It's fine. I just wasn't expecting you to be that naked. Not that you're naked. I mean, I don't know what I was expecting. I've never slept with a man before. That is, in the same room with a man. All night, I mean. Edward and I have taken naps together before, but this is…you know…different. And I'm going to stop babbling like an idiot now."

He was grinning at me. "Must you? You really are cute when you get all tongue-tied like that."

I felt the flush spread from my face down my neck. I knew I had to be bright red. I laughed, because let's face it, at this point the best thing I could do was laugh at myself. "I guess I just needed a moment for my brain to adjust to the glare the light was throwing off all that paleness," I teased.

"Yeah, that is a major drawback to living in Forks. None of us see much sun now, do we? Forgive me for blinding you with my chalky whiteness," he chuckled as he turned out the light.

He walked over to the other bed then, and I listened as he pulled the covers back and settled in for the night. We were silent in the darkness for awhile. I thought maybe he was already asleep when he suddenly spoke. "Bella, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"It's just...I've noticed you haven't talked about him much. Edward, I mean. Is everything alright with you two?"

I bit my lip as I tried to decide how best to answer that question. I decided to go with honesty. What did I have to lose after all? "I don't know, Felix. I guess we're kind of going through a difficult time right now."

"What's wrong? Maybe I can help…give you the guy's perspective or something."

I turned on my side towards him, and in his bed, I heard rather than saw him do the same. I really didn't know why I had decided to answer him, but I did. "I'm not sure anyone can help. I think I'm going to have to break up with him, even though I love him, and it's the last thing in the world that I want to do."

"If you love him, why would you break up with him? That doesn't make any sense, Bella."

I debated with myself. Why would I tell something so intimate, so personal to this man who I really didn't know all that well? On the other hand, though, he'd always been kind to me, and we had started to become friends. Besides, I really felt like I needed to talk and he was there. "Felix, if I tell you something, can you keep it between us?"

"Absolutely. Anything said or done in the privacy of our bedroom is between us," he said with a smile in his voice. I knew that he was trying to keep things light and put me at ease.

"Well, right before we left, I…thought I was pregnant."

My declaration was met with silence.

"I'm not though. It turned out to be a false alarm."

"So you and Edward have…" He let his sentence trail off, but I knew what he was asking me.

"Yes. We have."

"Did you tell him that you thought you were pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Was he a jerk about it? Is that why you're thinking of breaking up with him?"

"No, that's not the reason. Edward was wonderful. He wanted to marry me, and he had this whole future planned out for us."

"Okay, you're going to have to help me out here, Bella. Your guy stepped up to the plate. And you're not even pregnant anyway. Why would you want to end things?"

I sighed. "The truth is that I'm scared to death, Felix. I don't want to ruin Edward's life, and that's what I feel like I'm doing by being with him. He has all these plans for what he wants to do with his life, and when this happened he was ready to throw all of that away…for me. I'm not worth it."

"But Edward obviously thinks that you are," he said quietly.

I was silent.

"You really don't think you are though, do you?" he asked.

I felt a tear escape and run across the bridge of my nose. I swiped at it impatiently. "I know I'm not."

"I think you're wrong. And so does he."

"Listen, Felix. I'm tired. Do you think maybe we could finish this some other time?"

"Sure, Bella. I'm here whenever you want to talk. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," I answered. I rolled away from him then and pulled the covers up over my shoulder…either because I was cold or as a way to hide myself from Felix. I wasn't sure which.

* * *

You're getting this chapter a little early, because I'm getting sick and don't know if I'll be able to pry myself out of bed tomorrow. So, my bad fortune is your good luck.

Thanks to all the usual people for all the usual reasons…readers, reviewers, Gemma, Delta, Ravyn, Nina…you know who you are and what you did.

I'll be posting a teaser for chapter 28 on Friday, May 21st on the On a Lonesome Road thread at Twilighted.

Chapter 28 will be posted next Tuesday, May 25th.


	28. Flirting with Disaster

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 28 – Flirting with Disaster

Early the next morning, we boarded a bus for a day long tour outside the city. I sat with Felix. Both of us were pretending that our talk the night before had not ended as it had – abruptly and uncomfortably. So, we'd returned to the easy friendship that we'd established yesterday. It was just easier that way.

Alec and Chelsea, appearing much more relaxed and mellow than the day before, accompanied us as we toured Windsor Castle. I guessed the night together – and all that entailed – had put the couple in an exceptionally good mood. It definitely seemed to have worked wonders on Chelsea's disposition. At least, she was a lot less annoying today.

So, our tour of Windsor should have been something I enjoyed. I didn't though. I couldn't. I tried – I really did. But even though I hadn't acknowledged my talk with Felix, it had a hold on me that just wouldn't seem to let me go.

Felix had been right – Edward did think I was worth it. But I just couldn't understand why he felt that way. I'd proven to him by now that I wasn't, hadn't I? How much more did it take to clue Edward in that I was toxic? What did I have to do to show him once and for all that I was no good for him?

It wasn't just Edward though, was it? Felix had said that he also thought I was worth it. Emmett. Jasper. Jake. They thought so too. So had Mike.

What was it about me? Why did guys automatically think I was this fragile innocent who needed their protection? I wasn't innocent, was I? Not anymore. Not in any sense of the word. Edward had taken care of my physical innocence. And what had happened with Mike had taken care of the rest. Whatever they thought they saw in me was a lie. I wasn't worth their loyalty, their protectiveness, and I certainly wasn't worthy of Edward's love.

"Bella, you've been quiet all morning. Are you okay?" Felix asked softly.

The sound of his voice in my ear surprised me. I looked up at him and saw the very same desire to shelter me in his eyes that I'd just been contemplating. It seems I had struck again without meaning to.

We had concluded our tour of Windsor and were once again back on the bus. The hum of the engine coupled with the loud voices of everyone around us guaranteed our privacy. Still, I was careful to keep my voice low. I'd already had one bad bus experience, and guess who just happened to be on this bus with me right now? That's right – Jane and Heidi. I'd been doing my best to pretend that the evil witches didn't exist since we'd gotten here, but I caught their cold glares from time to time. At this moment, they were sitting two rows behind Felix and me.

"I'm fine, Felix."

He raised one eyebrow at me. "I wish you could see yourself right now. You're _not_ fine." Reaching out, he took my hand in a comforting gesture. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so sad in my life. What is it, Bella? Are you thinking about Edward?"

I nodded as I felt tears swim in my eyes and my bottom lip began to tremble. I pulled my lip between my teeth and bit down, trying to keep the tears at bay. It wasn't easy to speak around the lump that had formed in my throat. I had to swallow hard to be able to get anything out. "I _was_ thinking about Edward. But not just him. I was thinking about how I have all the men in my life completely fooled. Why do I have all these knights around me who see me as some fair damsel who is worthy of crusading for? You're one of them, Felix. Can you tell me? Why am I always cast as the virgin in the tower when I should be the evil temptress who lures men to their demise?"

"You're talking about Mike Newton now, aren't you?"

"Yes, but it applies to Edward too. I do seem to be setting up some truly stellar destructive patterns now, don't I?"

"I…spoke to Emmett about what happened with Mike. When I told him about the bet. We actually had a long talk about you that day. Bella," he said while squeezing my hand gently, "neither of us believes that you had anything whatsoever to do with Mike's death. It just isn't like you."

Angrily, I jerked my hand out of his grasp. "See. This is exactly what I was talking about. You don't even know me that well, Felix. What, you think an hour's acquaintance with your tongue in my mouth for most of that time makes you some sort of expert?" I said cruelly.

I could clearly see the hurt in his eyes, and I felt guilty for lashing out at him. "Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. But I think my point is a valid one. You don't really know me well at all. I just don't understand how you can say with any certainty what I'm actually capable of."

He looked away from me. "I guess you're right. I don't really know you. But Emmett does. And the girl he told me about that day doesn't destroy lives. She is loving and kind, not destructive."

I had to swallow again before I could even manage a whisper. "Emmett sees what he wants to see. You all do."

"Bella…"

I didn't know what he would have said next, because our bus ground to a halt just then. We all piled out and walked to our next sight for the day – Stonehenge.

Felix tried to walk beside me, but I stopped him. "You know, maybe we should just stay away from each other for awhile. Give ourselves some breathing room."

"Alright, Bella. I'll give you some time," he agreed. "But I'd like to still be friends. Have I completely screwed that up?"

I reached out and touched his arm. "No, Felix. You haven't screwed up anything. I'm the one who messes things up here, not you. I just need to cool down. That's all." I squeezed his wrist lightly before turning to walk away from him.

Seeing Stonehenge had been something that I'd really looked forward to. The actual experience, I'm sorry to say, didn't live up to my expectations. I really don't know why I'd had this idea that we'd be able to walk right up to the monument. Of course, we were kept a good distance away. I understood that this was in the interest of preserving the sight, but it was still disappointing. I also wasn't in the right state of mind to contemplate this mysterious stone circle that had stood for centuries. No, my mind was focused on my fight with Felix instead. Maybe that's why I didn't notice Jane and Heidi approaching until they were standing on either side of me.

"Have you two had a lover's spat already?" Jane asked me archly.

I was shocked. How could she have known that my relationship with Edward was in trouble? Not even Edward knew exactly what was going on at this point. The only person I'd told was Felix. But he wouldn't have told Jane and Heidi. Would he?

I decided to be coy. "What are you talking about, Jane?"

Heidi answered for her, "We've just noticed that you and Felix Lawson have seemed very cozy since we got here. You two are always together. And now suddenly you're not. Trouble in paradise, Bella?"

"I don't know what you're implying. Felix and I are friends."

"Yes," Jane agreed. "From what we can tell, you're very _intimate_ friends. Does Edward know just how close you are with Felix?"

I closed my eyes and prayed for patience. "Are you back to this? You're accusing me again of cheating on Edward? It didn't work the first time you tried, what makes you think he's going to believe you now?"

"Oh, I don't know," Heidi shrugged. "Maybe Edward won't be quite so secure when you've been so far away from him. Maybe he'll start thinking about things you've done in the past."

"You do seem to go through the men, Bella. There's a word for that, isn't there? Help me out here, Heidi," Jane requested.

Heidi smiled cruelly. "Slut."

"Ah yes, thank you. Perhaps Edward is sitting at home right now remembering exactly what a little slut you are. There's no telling where his imagination is taking him. And all he'll need is the slightest encouragement to push him from doubting you to believing whatever we tell him."

"Hmmm… Let's consider this, shall we? Edward knows you both to be lying hags. He hates you for falsely accusing us of having sex on the band bus and for spreading that rumor around school. On the other hand, I'm his girlfriend whom he loves. Call me crazy, but I think that he'll be more inclined to believe me than he will you," I said confidently.

"You say Edward loves you. But does he trust you? Really? I'm willing to bet that it will be much easier to plant a seed of doubt in his mind than you think," Jane sneered.

"Whatever, Jane." I bumped them both none to gently as I turned and walked away.

There was silence between Felix and I as we traveled from Stonehenge to Bath. I knew that he was just giving me space, and I was grateful to him for it. I especially needed the peace and quiet after my confrontation with Jane and Heidi.

God, I hated those two. And I really didn't know what they hoped to accomplish. They couldn't honestly believe they had a shot at Edward, could they? Like after they succeeded in breaking us up, he'd suddenly realize he was really meant to be with one of them or something? If they truly believed that, then they were clearly delusional.

That got me thinking though. What would happen to Edward after I broke up with him? Did I flatter myself thinking that he'd be brokenhearted?

No, of course he would be. He would be extremely hurt and feel like I'd betrayed him. He loved me. I knew he did. Or at least, he loved who he thought I was.

_That's not fair and you know it. Nobody knows you like Edward does. He's seen the darkness inside you and loved you anyway._

_But he deserves to love someone who is free from the tarnish of darkness. He'll never find her while I'm still clinging to him._

And when he found her, then what? Was I supposed to stand by and watch them be happy together? I remembered how I'd felt seeing him with Tanya…and with Maggie when I'd thought they were together. Could I put myself through seeing Edward truly in love with someone else? Could I sit through their wedding and the christening of their first child – an observer of Edward's life who died a little inside every time I saw him going on without me?

"Bella." Felix startled me when he said my name. I looked at him questioningly. "You're crying," he said as he reached up and wiped his fingers tenderly underneath my eye.

"I am?" I asked as I leaned away from his touch. I replaced his fingers with my own, and they came away wet. "I guess I am. Sorry."

"What are you apologizing for? I don't mind your tears. Well, I do, because I hate to see you hurting. But I understand."

"I guess I'm just a mess right now."

"It's okay, Bella. You're entitled to be a mess. I can't even imagine going through the stuff you have. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head as I felt my tears come faster. "No, I can't talk about it. I don't even want to think about it anymore." In that moment I felt so lost and alone. The pain of it was more than I could bear. "Felix? Can I ask you a favor? I know I don't have the right after how I've treated you. But I just…"

"What do you need?" he asked me.

"It's just…I could really use a shoulder to cry on right now."

He didn't answer me in words. Instead his arm slid around my waist and pulled me closer. I rested my head on his shoulder, and I gave in to my tears. It felt good.

That night, lying in my bed, I closed my eyes and willed sleep to come. It didn't.

"Are you still awake?" I heard Felix whisper from his bed.

"Yes. I can't seem to sleep," I replied.

"Me either." I heard him roll towards me then, and in the dimness, I saw him prop up his head on his hand. "Listen Bella, I've been thinking. Can I talk to you? Really talk?"

"Sure, Felix. What did you want to talk about?"

"About you…and Edward."

I sighed. Did I really want to get into this with him again? No, not really. But I owed him for everything he'd done for me today. "Okay."

"Well, it's just that this decision of yours to break up with him seems to be tearing you up inside. I don't understand it. You say that he loves you…"

"He does. I know he does."

"And you love him, right?"

"With all my heart."

"Then why are you even considering this? I know that you think this is for his own good, but in my opinion, you're about to make a big mistake. Maybe the biggest mistake of your life."

"You don't understand," I told him.

"No, you're wrong. I do understand. You had a scare, and it freaked you out. It happens, Bella. Part of having sex is worrying about the consequences. But don't break up with the guy. Stay with him. Maybe just agree not to have sex for awhile. Or double up on the birth control so you feel safer or something. It can't be right for you to leave him…not when it's breaking your heart like this."

"It's more complicated than that, Felix."

"No, it's not. You're _making_ it more complicated than it has to be. I've had sex, Bella, but I've never been in love. Not once. Do you know how rare it is to have what you do with Edward? He's in love with you, and by some miraculous twist of fate you love him back. I would give anything to be as lucky as he is. I came close once. I found a girl that I thought could be it for me. But my timing was all wrong, and she slipped through my fingers. I've always regretted it…letting her get away. Don't let the regrets eat away at you."

"I already have regrets," I said quietly.

"Don't add to them then. Just…think about what I've said. Please."

"Alright, I will," I promised. "And Felix?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"_Edward? What are you doing?"_

_I was standing in an unfamiliar bedroom, watching Edward walk back and forth between the closet and the bed. He was depositing clothes into an opened suitcase._

"_What does it look like? I'm packing."_

"_Why? Do you have to go somewhere?"_

"_Yes," he said shortly._

"_Where?"_

"_Away from here. Away from you. I'm moving out, Bella."_

_I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. "You're leaving?"_

"_Obviously."_

"_But why? I don't understand."_

"_I can't stay here anymore. I thought I could do this…thought I could be with you, but I can't."_

"_What do you mean? Edward, you said you loved me. You said we'd be together forever."_

"_We were too young, Bella. When I said that…when I made those promises to you…I believed that I meant them. But I've grown up, and now I know what love really is. I've fallen in love with someone else."_

"_No! That's not possible. You love me. You told me over and over that you did."_

"_Bella, please. Don't make this harder than it has to be. I love another woman. I've made love to her, and she made me feel things you never have. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, not you!" He closed and fastened the suitcase and carried it to the door. He paused there and looked back over his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but I can't love you. I never really did."_

_I watched him walk away from me…out of my life…and I couldn't move. I couldn't go after him. All I could do was beg. "Edward! No! Don't do this! Edward, stop! Stop!"_

"No!" I exclaimed as I pulled myself out of the nightmare.

"Shhh. It was just a dream," he whispered to me out of the darkness.

I was being held in Edward's arms. I couldn't figure out how he'd gotten here, but somehow, magically, he was. Was I still dreaming? I didn't really care if I was. It felt too right for me to question.

I turned into his body, entwining my legs with his, throwing my arm across him. "Oh, Edward! I was so scared! Don't leave me. Please, don't."

"Uh, Bella? I don't want to frighten you. But I'm not Edward."

I froze. It took me a few moments to process that the man in my bed wasn't Edward. "Felix?"

He sounded sheepish, "Yeah, it's me."

My brain was still foggy from the dream and the surprise of finding Felix with me or maybe I would have realized I still hadn't moved away from him. "What are you doing here?"

"You were having a nightmare. You were crying out and woke me up. I tried to wake you with just my voice, Bella, but it wasn't working. You were tossing and turning so violently that I was afraid you were going to hurt yourself. I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. I'll…just go now, okay?"

I was surprised when instead of letting Felix go, my grip on him tightened. "Please…don't go. I don't want to be alone. Please stay with me."

"Bella, I don't think I should. What about…"

I interrupted him. "I don't care. Felix, it was so horrible. I just need someone to hold me. Please, can you just hold me?"

"Okay. I'm here. I'll hold you. Try to go back to sleep, honey."

I hadn't thought it possible, but I did just that. And I didn't wake up again until morning.

I awakened slowly, lying on a warm chest. Still mostly asleep and not fully aware of where I was… or what I was doing…or who I was with, my fingers moved over the luxuriant skin beneath my hand. With my eyes still firmly closed, I used my sense of touch to explore the hard planes of chest and then the ridged muscles of his abdomen. Sliding lower, I found his morning erection and rubbed it lightly through his clothing.

"Bella, as much as I'm enjoying waking up this way, I think I should inform you that you're currently molesting me in your sleep."

My eyes sprang open at the sound of Felix's voice, and I pulled my hand quickly away from his rock-hard dick that – to my mortification – I'd been tenderly caressing.

I pushed myself up and away from him, to the opposite side of the bed. "Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Felix. I didn't mean to… Well, you know. Do…that," I stammered lamely.

He looked over at me and laughed.

I frowned at him. "What's so funny?"

He flashed me a wicked grin. "You…apologizing for stroking my cock for me. Allow me to let you in on a little secret, Bella. You don't ever need to be sorry for palming a guy's morning wood. No matter what the circumstances, I guarantee he'll be grateful."

I covered my face with my hands to hide myself from him. "I can't believe I did that to you!"

"Hey, don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean anything by it. It's okay. Really."

"I shouldn't have asked you to stay with me last night. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have been unconsciously groping you this morning."

"Well, in that case, _I'm_ glad you did." He waggled his eyebrows at me and his eyes were full of mischief.

I couldn't help but laugh…at him…at the situation. It was all rather ridiculous. "I really am sorry," I told him.

"I know, honey. And I didn't mind staying with you last night. You needed somebody, and I was happy that I could be there for you. Even without knowing the benefits I'd reap this morning." He winked at me.

"I'm never going to live this down, am I?"

"It will just be our little secret. I promise. But between you and me? Nope, I'm going to tease you unmercifully about this until the day you die."

"Great, Felix. Thanks."

"Don't mention it, Bella. The pleasure was all mine. Or almost, anyway."

I groaned. "And so the torture begins."

"Speaking of torture… Seriously, I should get a medal for stopping you when I did. Do you know how difficult it is for a guy to tell the beautiful woman on top of him to please desist while she's in the middle of rubbing one out for him?"

I laughed at him. "Do they have a medal for that?"

"No, but they should."

"I'll write my Congressman."

"Please do. And now, I have a favor to ask of you."

"What would that be," I asked.

"Can I take first shower this morning?" He looked down at his lap. "I have a not-so-little problem to take care of, thanks to you."

"Not a chance. If you think I'm taking a shower with your drain babies this morning, you have another think coming."

He looked at me with surprise in his eyes. "Where did you pick up the term 'drain babies' from?"

I looked at him and my lips twitched. At the same time we both said, "Emmett."

We were laughing as I rolled out of bed and quickly grabbed my things. "I'll make this quick, I promise."

"Actually, take your time. I'll be here…just relaxing with my thoughts."

I gave him a devilish smile. "Do you use your right or your left hand for that?"

He smirked. "Why do you ask? Do you need a mental picture to take with you for your own private time in the shower?"

"And on that note, I take my leave."

I was still smiling as I closed the bathroom door behind me. Turning on the water in the shower, I undressed as I waited for the water to heat up. Minutes later, I closed my eyes as I moved to stand underneath the spray. I didn't move, letting the water ease away the tension in my muscles while chuckling to myself over what had happened this morning with Felix.

And then, all of a sudden, I felt sick. I reached out and grabbed the metal safety bar in the shower for support and covered my mouth with my free hand. A single thought had finally caught up with me.

Oh my God, had I just cheated on Edward?

* * *

You're getting another early chapter, because I'm still sick. I'm better, but still very weak and tired.

I know not all of you are happy with me right now. Sorry, but this is the story I have to tell. I hope you will respect that.

Thanks to Delta, Gemma, Ravyn and Nina for being great sounding boards.

Chapter 29 will be up by next Tuesday, June 1.


	29. You'll Be My Downfall

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 29 – You'll Be My Downfall

When I left the bathroom, I met Felix just a few steps outside the door. He was still grinning until he saw the expression on my face.

"What happened, Bella? You were happy when you went in there," he said with a hint of frustration in his voice.

"Felix, I was thinking. What happened between you and me this morning… What I did to you… Do you think that could be considered cheating?"

"What? No, of course not. You weren't even awake at the time. It was completely involuntary. That is _not_ cheating."

"But it never would have happened if I wasn't lying there with you. I asked you to sleep with me _in my bed_, Felix. Don't you think that crosses a line?"

"Well, it was my fault I was there in the first place. The way you were thrashing around I thought you might fall out of bed and hit your head on the nightstand or something. So my reason for being in your bed was innocent. And you woke up frightened and in need of comfort. That's why you asked me to stay. You weren't hatching some devious plot to cop a feel this morning when you asked. You weren't asking for anything more than my friendship. So maybe in hindsight the two of us in bed together wasn't the best idea, but neither of us meant anything by it. I think that counts for something."

"Still, no matter how innocent it started out to be, the truth is that I spent the night sleeping in the same bed with you. And this morning, I was basically giving you a hand job."

"Oh there was no basically about it, that's definitely what you were doing," he tried to joke. I scowled at him, and his expression sobered. "Sorry. I get that you're not finding the humor in this now."

"No, I'm not," I agreed grumpily. "Felix, I need a guy's perspective. If you were in Edward's place… If I were your girlfriend, and the same thing that happened between us had happened with me and another guy, how would you feel?"

There was no trace of mirth left in his expression now. "I'd be hurt. And angry. I'd feel betrayed."

"You'd feel like you'd been cheated on?"

"Yes," he said quietly.

I sighed. "Then I guess I only have one question left. How do I tell him?"

"You don't."

I glanced at him sharply. "Edward and I don't keep secrets from each other."

"Bella, think about this. We agree that last night and this morning were innocent mistakes, right?"

"Yes."

"Then why tell Edward about something that didn't mean anything if it's just going to hurt him unnecessarily? Some things are better left unsaid, trust me."

I hated to admit it to myself, but what Felix said actually made a lot of sense. "So you really think I should keep this from him?"

"Under these circumstances? Yes, I do."

"Alright. Considering everything, I guess your way is the best course of action. I won't tell him."

"And I'll keep what happened to myself, Bella. He won't hear anything from me."

"Thanks, Felix. You're turning out to be a great friend."

He smiled. "You too, Bella. Definitely."

Once Felix was ready, the two of us headed downstairs together for breakfast. In the dining room, we met Alec and Chelsea, who reminded me a little of Alice at the moment, because she was bouncing with eagerness and anticipation.

"This day is going to be totally awesome! I can't wait! I'm so excited!" she said in a high-pitched squeal that it was way too early to deal with when we hadn't even had caffeine yet. "Aren't you excited, Bella?"

I tried to whip up some enthusiasm for Chelsea's sake, but it just wasn't happening. "Yeah, Chelse. It's going to be great," I said in a monotone.

She pouted at me. "Bella, come on! We actually got the guys to agree to go shopping! This is monumental! I've actually recruited more people to go with us. It's going to be the best day ever!"

Mr. Cline had given us a free day in London. We could go anywhere and do anything we wanted today. We just had to agree to the buddy system. Nobody could go anywhere alone. Chelsea and Alec had planned out our entire day for us and then kindly informed Felix and me of our plans. I had been thinking we would visit a few monuments, hit a couple of museums…you know, stuff like that. Not with Chelsea in charge apparently. First, we were going to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum – not exactly the kind of museum I had in mind. Then, we were going to spend some quality time shopping in Harrod's. I have mentioned how much I loathed shopping, right? And finally, Alec wanted to have dinner at the Hard Rock Café London. I decided against asking him if he thought it was 1990 or something; I figured he'd be offended.

It actually took us awhile to make it out of the hotel. Chelsea hadn't been kidding when she'd said she'd recruited. We had the majority of the entire Forks High group with us. And as I glanced around at everyone, I suddenly noticed a pattern. There were Tia Evans and Benjamin Lyons; Makenna Foster and Charles Reese; Charlotte Parker and Peter Morgan; and Bree Tanner and Collin Reynolds. They were all couples. Well, except for me and Felix. I guess we hadn't gotten the memo.

Once we finally made it out onto the sidewalk, we made our way to the nearest Underground station. Taking the Baker Street line and then walking the rest of the way, we reached Madame Tussaud's.

We purchased tickets and went inside. It was mildly interesting, I guess. But I could think of about fifty places I would have rather seen. All the girls, except for me, were dying to see the latest addition to the museum – that very same actor from those popular vampire movies that Alice and Rosalie liked. The man himself was pretty good-looking, I suppose. The wax figure? Well, it looked to me like maybe the actor had posed for it after a rough night out. I mean, he was really twenty-three or twenty-four, but they'd made him look old, complete with bags under the eyes and wrinkles. I had to admit that they'd gotten his signature hair right though. In fact, it reminded me of…

"Hey, Bella! Look. He's got sex hair just like your boyfriend," Bree giggled.

I couldn't help smiling. "Yeah, the styles are similar. I like Edward's better though."

"Is that because you get to contribute to Edward's hair-ection by running your fingers through it?" Tia teased.

My face heated up. "I guess that's part of it. But I prefer Edward's color – that unique bronze of his. This guy's is golden-brown."

"And what, pray tell, is wrong with golden-brown hair?" Felix murmured in my ear. When I glanced up at him, he was grinning, letting me know he was just playing. The rest of the group had moved on, and Felix and I were lagging behind together.

I smirked at him. "Well, it looks good on you."

"Is that a fact?" His grin widened.

"Yes, and with those dark brown eyes?"

"Yes?"

"Devastating," I told him.

"Really?" He sounded pleased with my admission. "I like yours too, Bella."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I do. You know, it really is a shame that Alec and Chelsea's matchmaking is going to go to waste on us. We really would have stunningly beautiful babies."

At that, my heart gave an uneven thump in my chest and I felt my face pale.

"Oh Christ! I'm sorry, Bella. I was just kidding around."

"I know, Felix. I know. I guess I'm just still a little sensitive about the whole baby thing. Just a few days ago I thought Edward and I might have that together. And now…"

"Now?"

"I don't know."

"Are you still thinking of breaking up with him?"

I nodded. "I haven't decided what I'm actually going to do yet. But I haven't ruled it out as a possibility altogether. It's not a definite thing now, after talking to you. Some of what you've said has really made me think."

"Only some?" He arched an eyebrow at me.

I smiled weakly at him. "Okay, most then. When you're not acting like a total goofball that is."

"Aw, you love me and you know it," he said, playfully bumping his shoulder into mine.

I smiled more genuinely then as I held up my thumb and forefinger a hairsbreadth apart to show him. "Maybe this much."

He stuck out his bottom lip and gave me sad puppy dog eyes.

"Okay," I allowed, moving so that my thumb and finger were now approximately an inch and a half apart, "maybe this much. Better?"

He laughed. "Well, it's a start."

Our trip to Harrod's was best forgotten. I didn't think we'd ever get those girls out of there. Yes, I hung out with the dudes and talked while the girls perused the racks. It seemed that having Emmett McCarty as my best friend – besides Edward – made me like an unofficial guy. At first, the group of teenage boys acted a little uncomfortable having me in their midst…until I told an Emmett approved off-color joke. After that, they embraced me as one of their own. I did have fun with the guys, but time still dragged as the girls shopped. It was hours…HOURS…later before we finally dragged them away kicking and screaming.

When we got to the Hard Rock London, there was a line out the door and down the block. Felix told me that a lot of tourists thought it was a big deal to visit this particular Hard Rock, since it was like the first one that ever opened. Whatever. I didn't really care as long as they had food and something to drink.

Once inside and settled at a large table, discussion turned to what we were going to order. The guys all decided that they were going to order alcohol.

"What are you gonna have, Bella?" Chelsea asked me.

I shrugged. "I guess I'll just order a beer."

All the guys at the table gave me appreciative smiles. All the girls looked horrified.

"You can't do that!" Chelsea pronounced. "You need to order something girly."

"What do you suggest? Something pink and frou-frou?"

"No. Here," she said, pointing to her menu. "Here's a cocktail with champagne in it. You should try that."

I'd had champagne at a wedding reception once and had liked it well enough. Besides, giving in to Chelsea was the quickest way to get her to leave me alone. "Sure, Chelse. I'll try that. Thanks."

Felix turned to me and said lowly, "Bella, I'm not sure it's such a good idea for you to order that drink. It has champagne and pineapple juice and sounds all girly, but it also has Southern Comfort in it. It's probably going to be pretty strong."

I smiled wickedly at him, "Good! Just what I need to help me forget the shopping hell from earlier."

He held his hands up in surrender. "Hey, I was just warning you."

"And I appreciate that, Felix. Now, if I'm getting trashed, you are too. Order something besides a beer. Come on, don't you want to be a little bad with me?"

"Was that a challenge, little girl?"

"Absolutely. Are you man enough to accept?"

Just then the waiter reached Felix. "I'll take a Long Island Iced Tea," he ordered.

"Yay!" I cheered before giving my drink order to the waiter.

Perhaps in retrospect, Felix and I shouldn't have ordered that second round of drinks…or third…or, oh let's face it, I'd lost count. Because even with the food that we'd had, the alcohol was hitting us both hard. Now, we weren't the only ones who were feeling pretty good as we left the restaurant, but we'd been the only ones to order multiple cocktails with hard liquor in them. The guys who'd had a couple of beers were just slightly buzzed. Felix and I were hammered.

We leaned heavily on each other as we helped one another – or maybe hindered would be more apt – as we walked to the Underground station. Felix's arm was around my waist, while I had an arm draped across his shoulders.

"You know what?" I asked him as we stumbled down the sidewalk.

"What?"

With the hand that wasn't currently hanging around Felix's neck, I poked myself in the cheek. "My face is numb."

"Yeah?" he asked.

"So are my lips."

"Well, they look fine to me."

"And my teeth are tingling," I told him. "Are your teeth tingling?"

He laughed out loud, "Bella, you're drunk."

"Like you're not?"

"Oh no, I'm most definitely drunk too. Still, my teeth are not tingling."

"They're not?" I asked.

"Nope," he confirmed.

"Well, are mine okay? Like they're still there and stuff, right?" We paused on the sidewalk long enough for him to look at me and for me to give him a smile.

"Yep. They're still there. And they look gorgeous."

"Stop it, you! You're going to make me blush."

"I really don't think I could tell the difference if you did, Bella. You're all flushed from the alcohol anyway."

I tried to focus on his face, and had to close one eye to accomplish it. "You're all red too."

"Well, it's a good thing that red is my signature color then." We both laughed at that. I just wasn't sure why.

Eventually we did make it back to the hotel. We took the elevator up to our floor, because there was no way we were making it up the stairs without breaking our necks. After only five tries, Felix got the keycard into the slot and opened the door to our room. We walked clumsily inside and Felix dumped me unceremoniously onto his bed since it was closest to the door. He then collapsed beside me. We lay there in silence for a minute, lying shoulder to shoulder and staring up at the ceiling.

"So, is the room spinning for you, or is it just me?" I asked.

"Not just you, honey. Everything's spinning for me too."

"Good. You worried me with the whole teeth not tingling thing. I thought maybe I wasn't normal."

He chuckled. "Are they still tingling? Your teeth, I mean."

I considered for a moment. "No. They're not tingling anymore. But…"

"What? What is it?" he asked concerned.

I ran my tongue experimentally over my teeth and felt nothing. "I think they finally went numb too. Felix?"

"Yes?"

"I know I'm just being paranoid, but could you check them again. Make sure they're still there."

"Sure," he said, pushing himself up until he was hovering over me. I gasped in surprise, having him looking down at me, our faces so close. "Umm… Your teeth are still there. Are you completely numb now?"

I frowned. "I don't know."

"Well, can you feel this?" he asked, brushing my lower lip lightly with his finger.

I felt a slight tickling sensation and unconsciously licked my lips. "A little. I mean, that tickled a bit."

My eyes focused on Felix's face above me. He was staring at my mouth as if transfixed. Was there something wrong with it after all? And then his eyes shifted to mine, and I recognized what I saw there in the depths…desire.

"What if I do this?" he asked as he leaned towards me.

I knew he was going to kiss me, and I didn't know how to react. My brain was too fuzzy for this kind of thing at the moment. Couldn't he have tried this when I was a little closer to fully functional? Probably not, I realized. I didn't think we'd be finding ourselves in this situation without the benefit of alcohol induced impaired judgment.

Then, when his lips were just above mine, he suddenly pulled back a bit. "No, I'm not going to do this. Not like this. I'm not going to kiss you knowing that you don't really want me to."

So, he wasn't going to kiss me after all?

I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach.

What was that? Disappointment?

Did I want him to kiss me?

Did I want to kiss him?

Right here and now?

I was surprised by the answer that echoed through my mind. Yes!

I reached up a hand and caressed the hair that curled slightly at the nape of his neck. He sighed and his eyes fluttered closed for a moment before looking down on me again. "Felix?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"You think too much," I said as I lifted my head slightly and brought my lips to his.

He didn't resist me like I thought he might. Instead, he returned my kiss with fervor. It was passionate and hungry…and so damn good!

I was thankful that my head was a hazy mess, because I didn't want to think. All I'd been doing was thinking lately. I was so fucking tired of it! I wanted to feel.

Felix teased my lips apart, his hand cradling my neck, his thumb gently stroking along my jaw as he pressed me back into the bed and lowered himself over me.

This was familiar. This I knew how to do. Just to feel. Just to enjoy this man above me. Not to worry about futures and failures and fucking everything up in the end. Just to throw myself into the pure bodily pleasure of kissing. No complications. Not here. Not now. Being here with him, losing myself in how good this felt, it was simple. I knew there was a reason why I should be worried about the complications, but at the moment I really didn't care. There would be plenty of time to think later. Much later. Now was the time to get lost in the physical, just like before.

My arms embraced him. My hands wandered over his shoulders, his back, his hips. His gasps and moans into my mouth spurred me on. I delighted in knowing I was doing this to him.

Felix. He was important to me. I cared about him.

I didn't love him. Love was too hard.

Caring was easy. Caring meant that I could take pleasure in making him want me, in my wanting him, without messing everything up with concerns over what it all meant. It didn't have to _mean_ anything. We were just enjoying one another.

Gathering me into his arms, Felix rolled us over so that I was on top of him, straddling his hips. I liked the feeling of being the one in control, of kissing him just as slowly or teasingly or deeply as I wanted. He entwined his fingers into my hair and with sensual delight caressed the strands with infinite tenderness.

My lips left his and nipped lightly at his jaw before I brought my mouth to his ear and flicked my tongue against the lobe.

"Oh God, Bella! That feels amazing."

Smiling, I sucked his earlobe into my mouth. He rewarded me with a moan. "You like that?" I purred into his ear. At the sound of my voice, the sensation of my breath on his ear, he gasped.

"Yes! I like that. Don't stop."

Bringing his earlobe back into my mouth, I lapped at it with my tongue before lightly running my teeth over it. And then I brought my lips back to his and kissed him deeply, thrusting my tongue past his lips and into his mouth.

His hands left my hair and stroked down my back. He held me against him, my breasts pressing into his chest as we kissed.

My head felt all topsy-turvy. I didn't know how much was still from the alcohol and how much was what Felix and I were doing together. Everything felt like it was all swirling together and none of it made sense. I was tired of sense though, and I liked feeling off-balance.

Then Felix's hands moved to my hips and gripped them tightly. Our lips still connected, holding me firmly in place, his hips bucked up into mine.

I'm not going to pretend to be naïve here. I'd been straddling the man for awhile now. I'd definitely felt his erection through our clothes before this point. And at the feel of him sliding against me, I gasped and ground into him for just a moment. It wasn't a conscious decision. It was just instinct. But as soon as it happened, I stopped.

I broke our kiss. I didn't say a word. I just slipped off of his hips and lay down beside him. I still held him though, my arm around his waist, my head next to his on the pillow.

"Too much?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Bella. I've wanted to do that for too long."

"Can we just not talk about it right now? Soon. Tomorrow. But not now, okay?"

"Okay."

I tilted my chin down and pressed my lips to his shoulder. He turned to face me then and pulled me closer.

"Felix? Can I…stay here with you tonight?" I asked.

"Bella, you'd have a fight on your hands if you tried to leave me now," he said, his tone teasing.

He tightened his grip as I snuggled deeper into his arms, tucking my head under his chin.

I closed my eyes and let the alcohol haze pull me under.

* * *

I know that there are going to be those of you who _hate_ this part of the story. For those of you who feel that way, I'm sorry, but this is the way this particular story goes.

I know that some of you also don't believe that Bella would ever do this to Edward. But you have to remember that she's been through a major psychological trauma. It's extremely common for someone who has been through something like Bella has to push the people she loves away and to act out sexually. It's already been established that this is her pattern. Falling in love with Edward didn't magically cure her of that; it just delayed the inevitable. There are still issues buried deep inside her that she's never really dealt with. Inside, she's still broken. Edward can't "fix" her.

And now for some housekeeping issues. This chapter is the last completed chapter of OaLR that I have written. I am currently working on chapter 30 and have a majority of it written. I _think_ I can have it finished and posted for you by next Tuesday, June 8th.

After chapter 30, I'm not sure what my posting schedule will look like. I can only promise you that I will do everything in my power not to keep you waiting long between chapters.


	30. Hangovers and Hang Ups

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 30 – Hangovers and Hang Ups

When I tried to crack open my eyes the next morning, it felt like the sunlight stabbed straight through them into my brain.

My mouth tasted like I'd slept with a sweaty gym sock stuffed inside it. Not that I actually knew what sweaty gym sock tasted like, but when I imagined it – which was never before this moment – the dry, cottony, funky-tasting condition of the inside of my mouth right now fit the bill perfectly.

Little men apparently outfitted with combat boots and mallets were stomping around my brain and using the inside of my skull as their own personal bass drum.

My stomach roiled ominously. If I concentrated on taking deep breaths and swallowing and not on the fact that I felt like I was going to hurl, I thought I just might avoid actually vomiting.

I was lying on my back, still on top of the comforter on Felix's bed and still in my clothes from the night before. Felix's head was now resting on my chest, his face nestled between my breasts. I couldn't see anything but the back of his hair as I looked down at him, but from the wet, clingy feel of my shirt under him, I would say there was a not inconsiderable puddle of drool.

I glanced at the clock on the nightstand and saw that, by some miracle, I hadn't overslept. But we needed to get up and get ready if we were going to meet Mr. Cline and the others downstairs when we were supposed to.

"Felix," I said his name softly as I reached up and ran my fingers lightly through his hair. "Felix, you need to wake up."

He began to stir against me. Taking a deep breath, he stretched. His arm that was resting on my hip moved to my waist as he turned his head and buried his face in my breasts. "Oh!" He groaned. "This would be a beautiful way to wake up if I wasn't so damn hung over."

"You too?" I asked.

"Yeah. I would be tempted to ask if I got ran over on the way home last night, but I think if I _had_ been hit by a truck, I might feel better than this."

He pushed himself up and looked down on me. "Oh God, I'm so sorry, Bella. I drooled all over you in my sleep."

"I know; I felt it. It's okay. That's really the last thing I'm worried about right now."

He looked into my eyes then and said, "Bella, about last night…"

I cut him off. "We can't do this. Not now. We're going to be late if we don't hurry. And honestly, I don't really think I'm up for discussing things when I currently feel like something that needs to be scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe."

He chuckled and then winced, massaging his forehead with his fingers. "But we'll talk later?" he asked. "When my head doesn't feel like it's about to explode?"

"Yes, Felix. I promise."

Felix had run to the hotel vending machine while I'd been in the shower and bought each of us a couple of large bottled waters. He had handed me one as I stepped out of the bathroom and reminded me that rehydrating ourselves was the quickest way for us to feel better. In kind, I was waiting for him when he came out with two Ibuprofen held out in my hand. From the look of gratitude in his eyes, I knew he was really hurting.

"I love you," he told me as he claimed the pills and took the bottle of water from my other hand.

"Yeah…well, I was pretty fond of you when you brought me the water. We're even."

We made it downstairs with seconds to spare. We'd gotten ready in record time, although both of us were still decidedly damp, and the braid that I'd plaited my wet hair into was currently leaving a water streak down the center of my back. Lovely.

Mr. Cline had given us a strange look when we'd finally appeared. I wasn't entirely sure why. Maybe it was because we'd almost been late? Or maybe it was because both Felix and I admittedly looked a little green around the gills this morning? Or perhaps it was that we'd arrived together obviously both wet from the shower? I'd, of course, heard the term "the walk of shame" before, and although this was somewhat different, I did get a taste of worrying about what everyone around me was thinking of me.

_They probably all think you're a slut._

_Well now, after last night they wouldn't be wrong, would they?_

I stopped myself there. I knew my stomach couldn't handle any consideration of what had happened. It was churning anyway. If I analyzed what I'd done, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep from throwing up. It was going to be hard enough to keep the nausea under control today. We were scheduled to take a bus tour of London to see Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Parliament, and Tower Bridge, among other things. And just the thought of that bumpy, smelly bus made me feel sick…well, sicker anyway.

As the day progressed though, with the help of the water and another round of Ibuprofen, by lunchtime I felt like maybe I could chance trying to eat something. Alec and Chelsea had asked us to have lunch with them, but Felix had begged off. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to avoid this discussion with him any longer. I just didn't know what I was going to tell him. I hadn't thought about things at all yet.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked me politely as we sat down at a table.

"Better. You?"

"Better too." He glanced down at the plate in front of him before looking up at me again, "Now, about last night…"

"Yeah. I guess I don't have to ask you today whether or not I cheated on Edward, huh? What happened between us was pretty clear this time, wasn't it?"

"Bella, we were drunk."

"And you know that's not an excuse, Felix. Everything I've done with you this week has been wrong. But I've just been so confused. About what happened before I left. About my feelings for Edward. About whether or not I should break up with him. And I like you, I really do. I thought we could just be friends, but there's more there between you and me…there always has been."

"I know," he said quietly. "You know how I told you a couple of nights ago about that girl I thought I could have loved…that I thought could have been the one for me?"

"Yes?" I asked, curious.

He gave me a pointed look like I was missing something obvious. And then I realized exactly what it was. "Me? You were talking about me?"

Completely exasperated, he said, "Yes, I was talking about you! Bella, I wasn't just trying to pick you up for a quick fuck at that party. I thought we had a real connection."

"We did. I mean…I felt it too."

"Then why did you run away from me? Why wouldn't you agree to even one date?

"God, Felix. Hasn't what happened between us proven to you that I don't belong with anybody? I love Edward, and I still ended up losing myself with another guy."

"Is that all I am to you?" he asked calmly. "Just someone to lose yourself with?"

"No, Felix. You're not. I care about you…a lot. In fact, I care about you too much to get involved with you. I would just end up hurting you. I end up hurting everybody."

"Why do you say that? Why do you feel that way?"

"Look at the facts. I go out with Mike, and he ends up dead because of me. I build up all these careful walls around my heart, because I know better than to get close to anyone ever again. I spurn the emotional, because I know I can't risk losing someone else. I use men physically to make myself feel better…" When I saw his hurt expression, I amended, "Not with you, Felix. What happened between us was different. But with the others…yes, that's exactly what I did. And then Edward tore down all my walls, and I felt so wonderful. I didn't think I'd ever feel that way again. But you see, it was all a mirage. Before, I lost myself in physical pleasure. With Edward, I lost myself in loving him and in the pleasure of being with him. Same problem, different band-aid. But that's all it was. That's all it could be, because I'm still broken. Can't you see that?" I asked, my voice taking on a hysterical pitch.

"Bella, calm down. It's okay."

"No, Felix, it's not okay. I can't believe you ever talked me into considering staying with Edward. I can't do this to him anymore. I have to set him free."

"But what you're saying is that even if you break up with him, there's no hope for us? Ever?"

"Knowing what I am… Knowing what I do to men… Why would you even want me, Felix?"

"I just do, Bella. I can't help how I feel about you. And maybe it could be different with us. Now that you've told me how you feel about things, maybe I could help you really get better."

I gave him a bitter smile. "Yeah, that's exactly what Edward thought too. You see how well that turned out."

Felix was quiet the rest of the day, which gave me some time to think over everything we'd said. The more I thought about it, the more I knew that I was right. I had to push Edward away, once and for all. I had to come up with some way to make him let me go. What I'd done with Felix? Well, Edward wouldn't be happy about it, but he loved me enough to forgive me for it. So I'd groped Felix in my sleep? So I'd kissed him when I was drunk? Edward would excuse these things. I knew he would. No, I had to do something he couldn't forgive.

At the end of a long day, I sat with Felix in our room. He'd offered to move out, but I'd refused. For the plan I'd come up with to even have a prayer of working, I needed him to stay right where he was.

"Felix, I've been thinking. I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I did get a little hysterical, didn't I?"

"Maybe a bit, but it's alright, Bella. I understand. You can't feel for me what I feel for you. I don't like it, but I'll deal with it."

I lowered my gaze to the floor and then looked up at him through my lashes. "I really do care for you though. Please tell me you believe that."

"I do. And I really do care about you."

"I've decided I'm breaking up with Edward as soon as we get back."

"Okay. If that's what you feel you have to do. Although even after everything, I think you still might be making a mistake if you do."

"I know. But I just feel like I don't have any other choice. He deserves better. You do too, Felix. Better than me."

"I disagree."

"You're wrong, though. I've told you why we'd never work." I paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "But the truth is that I'm having a hard time letting you go."

He looked surprised. "What?"

"Listen, Felix, I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. I'd like to…keep things between us as they have been…but not if you're going to be hurt."

"I still don't understand, Bella. What do you want from me?"

"Well, I'm breaking up with Edward anyway. And I don't want to give you up…not if you understand that this is all I can give you. I'd like for us to continue sleeping in the same bed. I still want to kiss you, and maybe do a little bit more. But no sex. I think I rushed into that with Edward, and I don't want to do that with you. So, what do you think?"

He was staring at me with his mouth practically on the floor. "You're asking me if I'd mind making out with you and having you sleep in my bed with no strings attached."

I nodded, "Yes, that's exactly what I'm proposing. I can't give you beyond this week, Felix. But I want to give this to you, if you'll accept it."

"Bella, this isn't what I want. Not at all. I mean, yes, I want you in my bed. Yes, I want to be able to kiss and touch you. But that's not all I want."

"But that's all I can give, Felix. I'm sorry. Your answer is no then?"

He was quiet for a few moments, and I could tell he was considering things. I didn't push him. I knew he needed this time to think about what I was offering. At last he stood and walked over to where I was sitting on my bed. I looked up at him, not knowing what to expect. And then he leaned down and kissed me once.

The kiss was brief, but it was thorough, sending tingles down my spine. Felix pulled away from me slightly and looked deeply into my eyes as if searching for something. Finally, seeming satisfied with whatever he'd found, he spoke. "My answer is yes. I want you too much not to accept whatever you're willing to give me." And then he kissed me again, his lips softly moving against mine, leaving me dizzy.

I did end up in his bed that night, and we had one hot make out session. But things didn't progress much further than they had the night before. I mean, he had palmed my breasts and teased my nipples with his fingers, but only through my shirt. I'd have let him go further if he'd tried, but he didn't, and I didn't ask him to.

Still, as I curled up with my back to his chest and his arms around me to settle into sleep, I knew that I'd just done something beyond redemption.

I'd finally done something with Felix that Edward couldn't possibly forgive.

I awoke Friday morning to the luscious feeling of Felix's lips against my throat, just under my ear. I groaned loudly and tilted my head to give him more room to work.

"Mmmm… You know, I have this neck thing," I murmured sleepily.

I felt him smile against my skin. "So I've discovered."

"Oh? And just what else have you figured out about me, Felix?"

He chuckled. "Well, you definitely don't hate it when I do this." He cupped my breasts in his hands, and I arched back against him, gasping.

With only the thin cotton of my tank top separating his skin from mine, he grazed my nipples with his thumbs, causing them to harden.

"No…I definitely…don't hate that at all," I finally managed to get out. "Is there anything else you've learned about me?"

I suddenly found myself lying on my back with Felix over me. He grabbed both my wrists, moved them above my head, and held them there firmly but gently in his grasp before kissing me deeply. I couldn't help it, I moaned into his mouth.

"You like being dominated a little. If we were going to let things go further between us, I'd suggest maybe looking into buying a set of handcuffs of our own."

I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from telling him how much that idea turned me on. But judging by the wicked gleam in his eyes as he looked down at me, he knew.

And then he released me and rolled over, pulling me on top of him as he went. "You're also a ruthless tease who likes to be in control occasionally."

I proved him right by teasing my lips against his before taking his mouth with mine hungrily.

"All in all, I'd say that…when it comes to sex…you're the entire package, Bella."

"You can tell that just from the couple of times that we've made out?"

"Are you saying I'm wrong?" he asked me while raising one eyebrow at me.

"No…I'm not saying that."

He rolled us over until I found myself beneath him once again. He nuzzled his face into my neck before bringing his lips to my ear and breathing a husky whisper across it that sent delicious chills through me. "I bet you come easily too, don't you?"

I blushed scarlet. "How could you possibly know that?"

"Because I could have sworn there's been a time or two when I've had you on the verge during our make outs…and I've never even touched you below the waist."

"I've…umm…never had a problem in that area. Not with Edward anyway."

"You wouldn't with me either. I could make you feel so good, Bella. If you'd let me."

I shifted myself away from him and again lay on the bed curled on my side. "I can't go that far with you, Felix. I'm sorry…but I just can't."

He maneuvered himself behind me and draped his arm around my waist. I heard his deep intake of breath and felt it rush past my cheek as he let it out. "I know, Bella. But I can't help but wish sometimes...that things could be different."

"Is this too much for you, Felix? Do we need to stop?" I asked him quietly.

"No. I don't want to stop. I want you for as long as I can have you. Bella, don't worry about me. I'm a big boy. I know what I'm getting myself into here. You just might have to remind me from time to time…not to get carried away. I want more than you can give me. I accept that. But it doesn't keep me from wanting more…from wanting all of you. Just tell me when I'm pressing you too much, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed, rolling over to face him and slipping my arms around his neck. "You know, there's a part of me that wishes things could be different between us."

"I know that too," he said before kissing me. "Now, we need to get ready and head downstairs. Do you want first shower…or do you want to maybe share?" He gave me an I-dare-you grin.

"Quit tempting me, Felix. A girl only has so much willpower."

He laughed. "Oh, that's what I'm counting on, Bella. That's most definitely what I'm counting on."

I laughed with him. "You really are a bad boy, aren't you?"

"Only in that way you really like," he said confidently.

And I couldn't argue with that.

That day we toured Oxford and Stratford-upon-Avon. Just as we always had, Felix and I rode together on the bus. So, what was different? Well, now we were openly affectionate with one another.

When I'd first reached for his hand, he'd seemed startled. "Don't look so surprised," I said softly. "I told you that I was yours for the rest of this trip."

"No, what you actually said was that you wanted things to continue as they had been," Felix corrected. "Everything that's happened between us so far has been behind closed doors. I didn't think you'd want to go public with this, Bella."

I pulled my hand from his and turned away from him. "Oh. Umm, if you don't want to be seen with me in public…you know, that way…then we can keep things private. It's fine."

I felt his warm fingers close over mine. "That's not what I meant. I'm not ashamed to be seen with you, honey. But I'm not the one here with something to hide. Bella, you have a boyfriend. Aren't you afraid that if we take things public, news will get back to Edward?"

I squeezed his hand as I turned back and looked at him. "That doesn't matter. I've told you that what I have with him is over, and I meant it. All that's left is for me to tell him. And I will tell him, just as soon as I get back."

"Still, I have no right to you now. You don't belong to me, Bella. You still belong to Edward."

"Listen, I know that we shouldn't be doing this. I know that I should break up with him before doing anything with you. But that ship has already sailed, hasn't it? We've already done things we have no business doing under the circumstances. So, I think we've just got to put the shoulds and shouldn'ts out of our minds for now. We only have today and tomorrow left. I don't want to put limits on what little time you and I have together, Felix."

"Except for the no sex thing, right?" he asked.

I felt my cheeks heat up. "Yes, I'm afraid that exception is non-negotiable."

"I know, Bella. I'm okay with that. Really. I am grateful for whatever you're willing to give me. I just wasn't expecting this," he said lifting our hands and brushing a kiss along my knuckles. "I guess I just felt the need to check in with you again. You went and changed the rules on me. I want to make sure we're always on the same page. I don't want either of us to get hurt."

"I don't want that either. I've already hurt too many people, Felix. I won't do that to you too. I want this to be something good, a sweet memory for us both to look back on. The last thing I want is for this to cause either of us pain when we think on it later. I don't want any regrets. Promise me, no regrets."

"No regrets, Bella. I promise."

We had spent the day walking around with Chelsea and Alec. Chelsea had raised an eyebrow when she first noticed Felix and I holding hands, but didn't say anything. Alec, however, was a little less tactful.

"Well, well. What have we here?" he asked, indicating our entwined hands with a nod.

"Don't make a big deal out of this, Alec," Felix warned him.

"I'm sorry. I'm just a little confused, I guess. I thought Bella had a boyfriend."

"I do," I confirmed.

"A boyfriend who isn't you?" Alec asked Felix pointedly.

"That's right," Felix agreed.

"So…what happens in England, stays in England?" Alec ventured.

"Something like that," I said.

"And you're okay with this arrangement?" he asked Felix.

"I am, Alec. Look, just let it go, okay? Bella and I know what we're doing."

"If you say so, Felix. You won't get any crap from me."

Felix raised an eyebrow at Alec.

"Okay, you won't get any _more_ crap from me," Alec qualified. "You're both big kids. If you want to play house for awhile, I guess that's your decision to make."

"Alec, I'm going to break up with my boyfriend when I get home," I started to explain.

Alec held his hands up in a soothing gesture. "Hey, it's none of my business, Bella."

"Don't you think you could have remembered that a little sooner?" Felix asked, clearly a little pissed at his friend.

"Well, I've remembered it now. I won't say another word, I swear. So are we good, Felix?"

Felix visibly relaxed. "Yeah, we're good, Alec."

As I got ready for bed that night, I forced my eyes up to look at my reflection in the mirror. I immediately wanted to shift my eyes somewhere else, anywhere else. I didn't want to look at the girl in the mirror, but I forced myself to lock gazes with her. She looked like me – the same Bella I'd always been – but I knew better. I thought I'd known who I was. I was the girl who loved Edward with all her heart. I was the girl who truly cared about Felix and only wanted good things for him. But this girl, the one in the mirror, was doing everything in her power to hurt both of them. This wasn't the Bella I truly was deep down inside. This was the Bella I'd become…the Bella who killed Mike…who used people…who purposely caused pain to those who trusted and loved her. As I looked at this Bella in the mirror, I hated her. I wanted nothing more than to smash my fist into the glass, to damage her, to banish her from existence. And I would have if I'd thought such a simple act of pain and self-mutilation would rid the world of her. I knew it wouldn't though. I knew that it would take a much more painful, final act to end her. I just couldn't find the strength inside myself to do that, to finally kill this enemy who now wore my face. And I hated myself for that most of all.

Dragging my eyes from the girl in the mirror, I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door. I stepped into the bedroom where Felix was waiting for me with a smile on his face. He was already in bed, the sheet pulled up to his waist, his chest bare. As I walked toward him, he pulled the covers down on the empty side of the bed in welcome. Wanting to forget about the girl in the mirror, about what she had done, about how I felt about her, I climbed into bed beside Felix and snuggled into his waiting arms.

He buried his face in my hair and inhaled deeply before kissing my temple. "This is our last night together," he said quietly.

"I know."

"Is it okay… Am I allowed to say that I'm going to miss you, Bella?"

An overwhelming sense of sadness flooded through me. "It's definitely okay, Felix. I'm…going to miss you too."

His fingers caressed my face as I looked up into his eyes. "You will?"

"Of course I will," I told him softly before pulling his head down and kissing his lips.

He gently broke the kiss and whispered, "How am I going to let you go?"

"Let's not think about that now. Please, Felix. I don't want us to waste a single second of the time we have left. I want to forget that there is a tomorrow. Help me forget."

I pulled him back down to me then, and I was expecting a deeply passionate kiss. But this was not the kiss I was expecting at all. The sweetness and longing in that single kiss left me breathless and aching. Felix had poured out his soul to me in that one kiss – all his hopes and dreams for us that he knew could never be, all his yearning that things could be different, and all his _love_.

He hadn't said it. He didn't need to. His kiss told me everything. Felix loved me. After all our talk about no regrets and not getting hurt, I realized that we'd been fooling ourselves. He loved me, and I cared for him so much more than I ever should have allowed myself. We were both going to have regrets. We were both going to be hurt. There was no avoiding it.

And right then I made a decision. I had to forget everything else. This wasn't about the girl in the mirror that I hated. This wasn't about someone thousands of miles away from me. This was about Felix and what he'd come to mean to me. I owed it to him to give him all of myself, to be in this moment with him to the exclusion of all my problems and fears.

This night wasn't about anyone else. This night was simply about the two of us, Felix and me.

We were saying goodbye.

* * *

Regardless whether or not you hate me now, I still love all you guys. Thanks for reading.

Extra special thanks go out to Delta and Gemma. Well, thanks from me. You readers might want to kick them in the shins for encouraging me this week. ;)

I promise to get chapter 31 posted for you all as soon as is humanly possible. It may not be next week, but I will do my best to make sure it's not three months from now either.

Don't forget, if you'd like to yell at me about this story, or ask questions, or maybe tell me that you worship and adore me, then you can find me on the Twilighted forums in the On a Lonesome Road thread.


	31. Home

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 31 – Home

I was standing in the baggage claim area at Sea-Tac airport, counting all the red suitcases that went by and doing my best not to have a panic attack. I was afraid that if I had a major freak out in the middle of the airport, it would lead to my arrest as a suspected terrorist, or at the very least land me in the loony bin. So, I stood completely still, certain that if I didn't move, if I took short, shallow breaths, and focused solely on counting red suitcases, I could hold myself together. The shame and regret and fear wouldn't consume me if I just kept my eyes cast downward at the same section of conveyor belt in my direct line of sight. Sure, I knew my time would be much better spent if I would look up and watch for my own suitcase proceeding down the luggage carousel belt instead of only examining the one small space directly under my eyes. The problem with that, of course, was that I would have to lift my head. I couldn't do that. It would take strength and courage that I didn't possess.

There was nothing good left inside of me. I'd finally done it. I'd finally destroyed myself. I just wished I hadn't had to hurt so many people in the process. But this was what was best for them. Edward, my friends, Felix…they would be safe. It was almost over, and then I'd never be able to hurt them again. This was how it had to be. I had given them no other choice. They would have to let me go. They would have to hate me as much as I hated myself. Part of me wondered if that were even possible – for them to hate me to the depth and breadth and height that I hated myself – but then I remembered what I had done and my wondering ceased. They would, and I knew it.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see who was behind me. I was expecting a fellow passenger from my flight politely asking me to stand aside so he or she could grab a suitcase. What I wasn't expecting was to be swept up in a pair of familiar arms.

The air left my lungs with a whoosh – partly from the tightness of his arms around me, partly from the surprise of him being there, and partly because of the crushing guilt I felt. "Edward," I whispered breathlessly, "what are you doing here?"

He laughed. "Well, I can tell you missed me. A week away from me and the first thing you say is 'what are you doing here?'"

I pushed myself away from him a bit to try and catch my breath…and because I had no right to be in his arms. "I'm just surprised. My parents are supposed to be here to pick me up."

He smiled down at me, "Yeah, well, we couldn't wait to see you, so we talked your parents into letting us come instead."

"We?" I asked a moment before I was spun away from Edward and wrapped in an even tighter bear hug.

"Good to have you home, baby girl! We missed you. You didn't go and turn into a tea-drinking, scone-eating priss over there now, did you?" Emmett demanded.

"Give the girl a chance to breathe, Emmett. Between you and Emoward over there, you're squeezing the life out of her," Rose cut in. She grabbed Emmett's shoulder and pulled him away from me before giving me a much less vigorous hug. "Bella, thank God you're back. If I had to hear any more of Edward's lovelorn pining, I was seriously going to kill him."

"Hey!" Edward objected, "I wasn't that bad, was I?"

Rose gave him a droll stare, "Oh no, you weren't bad at all. 'I wonder what Bella is doing right now.'"

"'What time is it in London? Do you think Bella's sleeping?'" Jasper chimed in with a grin.

Emmett laughed and joined in, "'How many more days until Bella comes home?'"

"Hours?" Rose added.

"Minutes?" Jasper said.

"Seconds?" Alice spoke for the first time as she came forward to hug me in turn.

"Don't believe these guys, Bella. It's true that I missed you like crazy, but they're blowing things wildly out of proportion." Edward gave me his crooked grin.

Jasper wrapped his arms around me and squeezed gently. "Oh really?" he asked Edward. "Then why were you practically vibrating in the van all the way here? I kept debating between asking you if I needed to pull over and find you a bathroom or asking if you'd been taking lessons from Alice."

"Hey!" Edward and Alice both protested together as Jasper winked at me.

Jasper's smile slowly faded though as he looked into my eyes. "Hey, Bella, are you okay? Is something wrong?"

I tried to keep my expression carefully blank even as I inwardly cringed. Damn Jasper and his freaky emotional radar. "I'm fine. It's just jet lag, I think. I feel like I've been on a plane forever."

"Well, we need to get you home then. Where's your stuff?" Emmett asked me.

"I'm sure my suitcase has gone by at least once by now. I was kind of preoccupied by trying to keep my lungs expanded while you all tried to hug me to death."

"Don't worry, baby girl. Jasper and I are on it," Emmett said.

As the boys moved away from me, I felt a hand on my arm turning me around. Once again I found myself enveloped in Edward's arms. "And while they're distracted…" Edward said in a husky whisper an instant before dipping his head and kissing my lips.

He'd taken me by surprise or I would have tried to dodge him. One second I was just standing there, and the next I felt electricity jolt through my entire body. It was stunning to say the least. And that's why I let the kiss linger for a few moments before I finally got enough of my scattered wits back in order to pull away.

"Edward, please not here," I mumbled as I extracted myself from him.

I looked away from him, trying to avoid his bewildered expression, and locked eyes with the last person I wanted to see in that moment. Felix. He stood just a few feet away from us with a haunted look in his eyes.

I tried to block out his face by closing my lids, but I could still see him there before me. Accepting the futility of shutting my eyes to this situation, I opened them again and concentrated my gaze on Felix – his handsome features, the masculine grace of his body, and the depth of sorrow in those velvety brown eyes. My heart ached to know that I was the one who had brought him such sadness.

"Bella? What is it?" Edward asked breaking into my thoughts.

I dragged my attention away from Felix and refocused on Edward. "I told you. Jet lag. One thing this trip has taught me, I'm not the kind of person who can sleep on planes. I really need a bed right about now."

A wicked grin tugged at the corners of his lips. "That's my girl," he said with a teasing note in his voice.

I replied in irritation, "So I can sleep, Edward. I need a bed so I can sleep."

He actually pouted at me, and I inwardly cursed him for it. Damn that man and his sexy-as-hell lips. I couldn't afford to be distracted by something like that now.

Edward's pout quickly disappeared though as he brought a hand up to cup my cheek. "You _do_ look tired, love. I don't blame you for being a bit out of sorts. Come on, let's get out of here."

I looked over my shoulder to verify that Emmett and Jasper had the right bag and then let Edward lead me out of the airport.

And away from Felix.

I pretended to sleep in the van. It was the easiest way not to have to answer questions about my trip. I wanted to keep my lies to a minimum. I wanted to be able to confess to Edward without Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper around to witness it. It was going to be ugly. I knew it would be. With what I had to tell him, how could it not? No, I needed to get him alone. And since I couldn't do that anytime soon, feigning exhaustion was the only course of action I could think of.

I never did really go to sleep, of course. How could I when I had a twisted knot of apprehension and guilt coiled in the pit of my stomach? Instead I spent the time peering out the window at the dark flash of endless forest that lined the road. With my head turned toward the window nobody suspected that I wasn't fast asleep. Only my eyes betrayed me, but I hid them from those dearest to me, just as I had hidden the secret of my scarred and wasted soul.

I lost all track of time as my heart struggled to beat in my chest. Every moment brought me that much closer to the end. Tomorrow they would hate me – every single one of them. This was the last time we'd all be together like this. I was throwing away my last chance to enjoy my friends and my Edward. I couldn't face them. I was a coward who desperately wanted to put off the inevitable. At least this way I could enjoy their hushed conversation around me. I could pretend for just a little bit longer that I was still one of them…that maybe tomorrow wouldn't come.

I was surprised when we pulled to a stop outside my house. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn't realized we were already in Forks.

"Bella?" I felt Edward rest his hand gently on my shoulder. "Wake up. You're home."

I had been stuck in the same position for so long I didn't have to fake the need to stretch before I turned to face him. "Okay. Thanks, Edward," I said while trying to stifle a very real yawn.

"You're exhausted, love. Go get some rest. Call me when you wake up tomorrow, and I'll come over. I want to hear about your trip."

I knew I should smile at him. That's what I would have done before. But I couldn't even make the attempt. He would now that it was false. He would see right through it. Right through me. He knew me too well. So I didn't smile and hoped he would just chalk it up to the jet lag. "Alright, Edward. I'll call you. Goodnight, everyone. Thanks for picking me up," I said as I let myself out of the side door of the van.

Edward followed me out and then proceeded to walk me to my door while wrangling my suitcase.

Standing on my front porch, I forced myself to stay perfectly still while he gave me a goodnight kiss. Luckily, between how tired he knew I was and the presence of the boys, he kept it brief.

"I can't wait for tomorrow, love," he said once the kiss ended.

Of course, I couldn't return his sentiment. I would put off tomorrow for eternity if I could.

"Goodbye, Edward," I said simply, my heart heavy, before escaping through the front door and closing it behind me without a backward glance.

Standing with my back leaning against the door, I wondered if he'd noticed that I hadn't told him goodnight. Instead, I'd said goodbye…and I meant it.

I slept a little that night, but only because I was completely exhausted. I didn't sleep well though. I kept continuously waking myself from nightmares all night long.

I couldn't tell you exactly what the nightmares were about. Unlike my previous ones, there was nothing concrete I could remember about them once I awoke. They were just jumbled images of blood and terror. Obviously my brain was trying to tell me that I was scared shitless about facing Edward in the morning.

_Gee, thanks, brain. I never could have figured that one out on my own without the gore-fest interrupting my REM cycle._

My internal monologue didn't respond. I think my brain was laying low…which was just great considering that I would need it for the upcoming confrontation.

Finally giving up even attempting sleep in the gray pre-dawn, I paced my room like a caged animal, waiting until I would have to call Edward. I waited as long as I could – until a glance at my clock assured me that my time had run out.

With shaking fingers, I picked up my phone and dialed his number.

"Bella?" he asked as if he didn't believe his caller id. "You're up early. I didn't expect to hear from you until ten o'clock at least."

_Now he tells me. I could have put this off longer._

"Yeah…I couldn't really sleep…even though I wanted to."

"What's wrong, sweetheart? Is your body still messed up from being in London?"

"Yeah, something like that, I guess."

_Insert the word head for body and you'd have it just about right._

"Well, are you sure you want me to come over? I missed you so much that I think I'll die if I have to wait one more hour to see you, but if you really need your rest…"

"No, Edward. It's fine. I need to see you. Please, come over."

"Alright. I'll be there in a few. I love you, Bella."

"I know. I'll see you soon," I said, wincing as I disconnected the call. I hadn't meant to pull a Han Solo on him. I just couldn't tell him I loved him too. It's not that it wasn't true. I did still love Edward – so much that leaving him would probably kill me – but I had to do this. There was no other way. Being honest and telling him I loved him wasn't going to make this easier for either of us. It would just make this all the more painful. No, this was the way it had to be.

Less than an hour later, Edward was at my front door. Taking a deep breath, I opened it and stood aside for him to enter.

"Hello, beautiful," he greeted me with a smile.

Looking around, his brows drew together in confusion. "Where are your mom and dad?"

"Dad got called in to the station, and Mom is working one of those Early Bird sales at the department store."

"So we're all alone?" he asked me with a mischievous gleam in his eye.

"Yes, but…"

I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence. Edward pulled me into his arms and kissed me hard. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, all I could do was melt there in his embrace. It felt like the man literally turned my brain into mush, so it took me several seconds before I became aware of the voice in the back of my head screaming that this was wrong. I don't know how I did it, but I somehow found the strength to pull myself away from him.

"Edward, no. Stop, please," I said as I pushed my hands against his chest to increase the distance between us.

He frowned at me. "Bella, what is it? What's wrong? You've been acting weird ever since you got home."

"I…I don't know how to do this, Edward. Just let me think for a minute," I begged.

"Do what, Bella? I don't understand."

I took a shaky breath, and tried to get my brain to work. It wasn't cooperating, of course. "I can't kiss you. Not now. Edward, we need to talk."

"_We need to talk?" Did you really just use that old cliché? What's next? "It's not you, it's me?" Or maybe, "I think we should just be friends?"_

_Alright, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm fully aware of that. Feel free to take over if you think you can do better._

_Hmm… Considering that I am you, I don't think I'll be much help in this department._

_Well then, can you please just shut the hell up?_

Edward looked apprehensive, "What do we need to talk about?"

"I need to tell you about England," I said quietly.

His expression reflected his relief. "Oh, is that all? Yes, of course, I want to hear all about it. How was it?"

"It was…" I faltered, unsure of how to approach this. "Well, there's just so much. I don't know where to start," I hedged.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

"At the beginning…okay, I can do that. Umm, when we first got there, I decided to room with Chelsea Anderson. Do you remember her?"

"Blonde? Kind of a ditz?" he asked me.

"That would be her," I confirmed. "Well, I spent a lot of my time hanging out with Chelse and her boyfriend, Alec, and his roommate."

"That sounds like fun. I'm glad you made some new friends."

"Yeah…well…so, Chelsea and Alec decided the first full day we were there that they wanted to switch rooms to be together."

"They did what? How were they planning to get away with that one?" Edward asked.

"Mr. Cline had told us that he didn't check rooms, so…" I shrugged.

"Still, it was kind of rude for those two to make that kind of decision. Who got stuck in the room with them? You or the roommate?"

"Umm, neither."

Edward frowned at me again, "Wait, I'm confused. Did they get a separate room? How did they pay for that?"

"No, they didn't get a separate room. Chelsea moved in with Alec, and…uh…Felix moved in with me," I said while looking down at the floor, unable to meet Edward's eyes.

"Felix?" His voice was suddenly ice-cold. "Felix Lawson?"

"Yes, Edward. Felix Lawson." I chanced a glance up into Edward's face and saw his disbelief.

"Bella, tell me you didn't," he pleaded.

"It was innocent, Edward. I was just trying to help out Chelsea and Alec. There were two beds in my room, and Felix and I were just roommates…"

He interrupted me, "You let another guy stay in your room, and I'm supposed to be okay with that? Even if you were just roommates, Bella, I'm not happy about it."

"No, Edward. You didn't let me finish. I said we _were_ just roommates," I corrected.

I sensed the sudden tension in Edward. I could tell that he knew this conversation was going rapidly downhill.

"You _were_ roommates…and then you were what exactly?"

"Friends," I told him truthfully. "Felix was a very good friend to me. He was there when I needed someone to talk to."

"You talked to him? About?" he prompted.

"You. Me. What happened between us before I left. How I felt like I couldn't stay with you anymore."

Edward was stunned. "Bella, what the hell are you talking about? I thought we were okay. I thought we worked all this out before you left. But instead of talking to me about this, you…you confided in another guy?"

"I did, Edward. Please understand. I needed to talk to someone with a little distance, someone who could give me an unbiased opinion."

"And did he, Bella? Give you an unbiased opinion?"

"At the time, yes."

"What did Felix say?" Edward demanded.

"He said that he thought I would be making a mistake if I walked away from you."

The air around us suddenly felt a little less strained, as if Edward had relaxed slightly, but a look at his face showed there was still tightness around his eyes. "Why am I sensing that there's a 'but' at the end of that sentence?" he asked.

"No. There wasn't a 'but' exactly. It's just that…"

"What, Bella?"

"Well, things get a little more complicated from here."

Edward's eyes narrowed on me, "Complicated how?"

"One night, Chelsea and Alec got a big group of us together and we had dinner at the Hard Rock Café in London. We, uh, all decided to order drinks," I paused and swallowed hard to try and moisten my dry mouth and throat. The time had come to confess. "And…well…Felix and I were both pretty drunk when we got back to the hotel…"

"Bella, don't. Please, don't say it. I don't want to know."

"I have to, Edward. You need to know what happened. So, we got back to the hotel, and…"

I forced myself to finish, "And we kissed."

My head snapped up at the sound of Edward's sharp intake of breath. His face was ashen, and he looked punch-drunk. "That son-of-a-bitch took advantage of you while you were drunk?"

"Edward, no. It wasn't like that. I…I kissed him."

Edward groaned, "Why, Bella? Why would you do that? I don't understand."

How could I explain? There was no excuse, I didn't want him to forgive me, and so I decided that nothing would be better than the truth. "I wanted to. I wanted him, Edward. I wasn't thinking about you at the time. I wasn't really thinking about anything at all. My brain shut down, and I just felt."

"Did you… Bella, did you sleep with him?"

I winced. "I didn't have sex with him, Edward. Okay?"

There was anger laced in his tone now, "Good to know, but that's not exactly the question I asked now, is it? Did you sleep in the same bed with him?"

"Yes," I answered simply.

The pain and sadness in Edward's eyes overwhelmed me.

"Just that one night, right? You kissed him because you were drunk, and then the two of you passed out together."

I knew he would do this. He was already making excuses for me. This was why I'd done what I had. I had to shatter his illusions about me once and for all.

"You're right about that one night. But it didn't end there. I slept in Felix's bed for the rest of our time together in London. I let him kiss me whenever he wanted to, Edward. I let him touch me. And I had my hands all over him."

Edward looked ill.

I knew how much this would hurt him. My sleeping in another man's bed wasn't just a physical betrayal of what we'd had together; it was an emotional one as well. Spending the night together was something that Edward and I had never shared, but I had done that with Felix, and that cut Edward to the quick.

I saw the play of emotions in his eyes, until the fury finally overcame the sorrow.

"So, you didn't have sex with him the night you were drunk, but what? You fucked him every night after that?"

I sighed. I could admit to myself that his words hurt me, but I deserved every one of them, didn't I? Still, I had to tell him the truth. "No, I never had sex with Felix. There were times when I wanted to, but I didn't. I couldn't do that until I ended things with you."

"Well, that's quite the code of ethics you have there, sweetheart. It's perfectly acceptable to rub yourself against some other guy as long as you don't actually let him stick it in. And I'm supposed to be grateful that you showed such awesome restraint?"

"I don't expect you to be grateful. I don't expect you to forgive me. I tried to tell you, Edward. I warned you, didn't I?"

Edward had been livid only a moment before, but my unthinking outburst had suddenly stopped him cold. "You warned me? Bella, what does that mean?"

I bit my lip and returned my gaze to the floor. I couldn't answer him. I didn't want him to know what this was really about. He needed to believe this was about me being incapable of being faithful. He couldn't know that this was about how I loathed myself and wanted to free him of me. Why couldn't I have just kept my big mouth shut for once?

Suddenly his hands were gripping my arms to hold me still, "Look at me, Bella," he ordered.

It took me several moments to comply. I didn't want to look up at him. I didn't want him to see the damaged soul behind my eyes. But with him holding me in his grasp, I couldn't see any other choice. I looked into his eyes and saw that the anger had gone and left only questions in its wake.

"What, Edward? What do you want from me? I told you what happened."

"Did you? Well, I still need some answers from you. All I ask is that you be honest with me, Bella. You owe me that much, don't you think?"

"I…I can't lie to you, Edward. Sometimes I wish I could. Sometimes it would be so much easier, but I can't do it. I've told you the truth about everything so far."

"Do you love him?"

Startled, I asked, "Felix?"

"Yes, Felix. There wasn't anyone else you haven't told me about yet, was there?" His voice was calm. There was no ire or sarcasm in his question, only a request for information.

"No, there was just Felix. And no, I don't love him. I care for him, but it's not love."

"Bella, do you love me?"

I looked away from him, but he released my arm and placed his hand on my chin to bring my eyes back to his. "Bella? Please, answer my question. Do you love me?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, wishing that I could find some way to avoid his question, before opening them again to look into his eyes. "This is one of those times I wish I could lie to you. Don't make me say it, Edward. It's better for both of us if I don't."

"You can't leave it there. No matter what the answer is, I need to hear you say it. I have to know one way or the other."

My voice came out in barely a whisper, "Of course I love you, Edward. It's impossible for me not to. Believe me, I've tried."

"Then why would you do this? Were you trying to hurt me?"

"No. Not exactly. I mean, I didn't purposely set out to do anything at first. Felix and I were just friends. I never meant for things to go beyond that. But then I slipped, and it just proved to me that I was right all along. I'm no good for you, Edward."

"You slipped? What, you tripped and your lips accidentally fell onto Felix?"

"Edward, be serious."

"Oh believe me, love, I'm definitely not seeing the humor here."

"I…was confused about you. What happened…the baby scare…Edward, it really freaked me out. It seemed to confirm what I'd always been most worried about, me ruining your entire life. I thought about it until I just didn't want to think anymore. And then…I guess I just fell back into old patterns. I didn't want to think, so I turned off my brain and let myself feel instead. Yes, it happened under the influence of alcohol, but it still never should have happened at all. If I deserved you, Edward, it wouldn't have."

"So, once you'd slipped, you figured what the hell?"

"No, I just… I know you, Edward. You were going to make excuses for me. You were going to forgive me. And I couldn't let you do that. I love you too much to let you throw yourself away on someone like me. I didn't want to hurt you. But I had to prove it to you… I'm not good enough for you, Edward. I'm not worthy of your love. I'm not worthy of love at all. I've told you that so many times, and now you finally have to believe it. Please, just accept it and let me go."

"So you did this to push me away." It was a statement and not a question.

"Yes," I admitted.

"Well, I have to hand it to you, Bella. You did a spectacular job of it."

I nodded; ready for what I knew was coming. "I know."

"But there's one problem with this plan of yours that I can see."

I frowned up at him, "What?"

And then his arms were around me and he was holding me tight against his chest. "I'm not going to let you get rid of me that easily, Bella."

"Edward, don't," I said as I struggled against him. I tried to push myself away from him, but his arms were like iron bands around me.

"No, it's your turn to listen to me now. I told you that I would be there for you no matter what. Did you think I was lying to you, Bella? I told you that I loved you with my entire being. How did you think that was possible if you were truly unworthy of love? Your doubts…your fears… what happened with Felix; this is all my fault, not yours."

"Edward, no," I protested, still trying to free myself from him. "I won't listen to you blame yourself. It's not your fault.

"Yes, it is. Because I failed you. I did everything I could think of, but I still couldn't convince you of the most important truth, Bella.

"You. Are. Worthy. Of. Love," he said slowly, emphasizing each word with care.

He looked intently into my eyes, and I knew he could clearly read the doubt still there.

"You don't believe me. But, Bella, I'm living proof that what I'm telling you is true. You can act out, you can kiss some other guy, you can break up with me, but nothing you ever do will be enough to make me fall out of love with you. I'm always going to love you. You can't ever make me stop.

"I've always loved you, Isabella Swan. Through everything that's happened, I've loved you.

"And I will love you until I draw my last breath. I promise you that. And there's absolutely _nothing_ you can do to change it."

I felt tears sliding down my cheeks as I stilled in his arms.

I was frozen. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't process everything Edward had said to me. It was too much. It was too impossible to be true. He couldn't possibly still love me after what I'd done.

But there was only love and acceptance in his eyes as he cupped my face in his hands and then pressed his lips to my forehead. "You're it for me, Bella Swan. You're the love of my life. The only way you can ever ruin my life is to take yourself out of it."

Deep inside my soul I felt the whisper of something stirring. The whisper grew steadily louder, finally drowning out the pounding of my heart. Until, at last, I couldn't ignore the shout of my soul any longer, and I felt an undeniable swell of love and joy and belief in what Edward had told me.

He meant it. Edward actually meant what he was saying.

He loved me. Even after everything I'd done, he loved me.

And maybe…just maybe…if he loved me, then I _was_ worthy of it.

Or if I wasn't now, maybe I could be.

If he was always there, if there was nothing I could do to destroy his love for me, then maybe I _could_ actually heal. Maybe I _could_ be whole again. Maybe I _could_ deserve him.

Still, I was scared. "Edward, how can you love me? How can you forgive me? It doesn't make sense."

"Bella, love doesn't always make sense. Why did you love me even after the hell I put you through with Tanya? Lord knows, that didn't make any sense. But you did, and I'll be eternally grateful for that.

"We've both made mistakes. We've both stumbled and fallen along the way. But we've always been there to help each other back up again. That's what makes our love so special, Bella."

I could feel the truth of what he said in my heart. He was right. Our mistakes didn't have to tear us apart if we didn't let them. If we were determined to be there for each other, to help one another, and to always trust in our love, there was nothing we couldn't overcome…together.

This wasn't about Edward fixing me. This was about me fixing myself with his love and support. This would be my choice. I could choose to try and mend myself or I could choose to continue on the lonesome road I'd created.

Glancing into his eyes, seeing his love for me still there, I made my decision. I had to try.

I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him, feeling safe and cherished in his embrace. "I love you, Edward.

"And I am so sorry…for what happened…for what I've done. Edward, I regret hurting you more than I can say…"

Suddenly the lump in my throat choked off my speech. I tried to swallow back my tears, but I felt crushed under the weight of what I'd done to Edward. I felt like my apologies were pathetic in the face of my betrayal.

He dipped his head and pressed his lips tenderly to mine, and then pulled back to look into my eyes. "I know that you're truly sorry, love, and I accept your apology." He reached up and gently wiped my tears away.

I was overwhelmed by his love and mercy, but also emboldened by it enough to voice the dearest wish of my heart, "I…I know I shouldn't ask this of you, but…if you are willing to give me one more chance…Edward, I promise that I'll never make you sorry for it. I won't ever hurt you like this again. I swear it on my life."

"I love you, Bella. And I'd give you another thousand chances," he said before kissing my eyes, my cheeks, my nose. Then his lips whispered against mine, "But I know you won't need more than one."

Staring into his hypnotic green eyes, I was full of gratitude and relief that he was still here, that I hadn't succeeded in driving him away, and I felt compelled to tell him so. "Thank you for your faith in me, Edward…even though I haven't earned it."

"You will, love. I know you will."

Lowering his head, Edward kissed me again, sealing the covenant between us. He captured more than my lips with his – he captured my heart, my soul, and my trust, which I had never fully given him until that moment.

And I realized as I shared myself through that kiss that I'd never before really belonged with Edward.

I'd tried to. I'd tried by loving him, but it hadn't been enough. I'd tried with sex, but giving him my body hadn't actually given him _me_. No, it was only through my trust that I could finally give myself over to him without reservations.

Trust in him, that he honestly could say he loved me _no matter what_ and really mean it.

But most importantly, trust in myself. Trust that I could love him without destroying him. And trust that I could rise above the darkness and once more find the light.

For the very first time, I was truly and completely Edward's.

And as he pulled me closer to deepen our kiss, I vowed to myself that from this moment on I would always be his and his alone.

* * *

Surprise! This is the final chapter of On a Lonesome Road. I have been working towards this moment from the very beginning. I hope you understand, dear readers, that once Bella finally accepted that she was worthy of Edward's love, I felt the story was complete.

There will be an epilogue, however, to give you a glimpse into Bella and Edward's future. I will get that out to you as soon as I possibly can!

Thank you to everyone who has journeyed down this lonesome road with Bella and me. For those of you who hung in there no matter what, I truly feel honored by the support and encouragement you showed me.

Special thanks to Gemma, Delta, Ravyn and Nina and all the ladies who visited the On a Lonesome Road thread. I couldn't have done this without you.


	32. Epilogue

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Epilogue

I awoke to dim sunlight slowly brightening the room. It was early, and I could tell from the peaceful silence that nobody else was up yet. These times were rare, when I didn't have a million and one things I should be doing, and I relished the idea of spending some time alone in the peace and quiet.

Turning my head, I smiled at the sight of Edward next to me. He was sleeping on his stomach, his face turned towards me so I could see the serenity of his repose. He always appeared so young like this...the soft, peaceful lines of his beautiful face, a lock of his thick, reddish-brown hair falling over his forehead, his full, luscious lips slightly parted as if just waiting to be kissed. I loved it, because it was easy to find the fifteen-year-old boy I'd fallen in love with once again whenever I saw him like this.

So much time had passed since that day in the band room when we'd met. And yet, in some ways it felt as if it were only yesterday. It was a peculiar feeling, one born of over two decades of friendship, love, and trust – a feeling that we'd both been together forever and were still somehow new. Our relationship had grown and deepened, but our love was still fresh and continually expanding. I didn't know how in heaven's name it was possible, but I loved the man beside me more today than the day we'd said "I do" almost fourteen years ago.

Unable to resist touching him, I reached out and gently swept his bronze hair away from his face. I hadn't meant to disturb him, but suddenly his eyes opened and those beautiful, emerald green irises focused on my face.

"G'morning, love," Edward mumbled sleepily. "What time is it?"

"It's still very early, babe. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Are the kids up?"

"Not yet. They're granting us a bit of a reprieve this morning. Go back to sleep, Edward."

I smiled as he readily agreed, "'Kay. I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too," I said as I leaned over and lightly brushed my lips against his. He returned my kiss before snuggling back down into his pillow.

I watched him until his breathing became slow and even, assuring me he was once again asleep, and then slipped quietly from our bed.

I paused on my way to the door, distracted by the framed photographs I kept on our dresser. There was one of Edward and me together at our senior prom with Alice, Jasper, Rose and Emmett. Next to it stood a picture from our graduation – Rosalie, Alice, Edward, and me in our caps and gowns with Jasper and Emmett standing proudly by the girls' sides. I smiled wistfully at the happy portraits of six young people with their entire lives before them. It had been easier then, when we were all still together.

Even with everything I'd gone through during high school, we'd still been so naïve. It was as if we believed that if one of us had been to hell and back, it should give the rest of us some sort of free pass. Unfortunately, we'd found out that life didn't exactly work like that.

It began, of course, with my problems. That day when I'd confessed to Edward about Felix had certainly been a turning point. His willingness to love and accept me after how I'd treated him had somehow flipped a switch for me. I still didn't completely understand why he hadn't broken up with me on the spot. I knew I would have more than deserved him hating me forever, but he had kept on loving me instead. True to the promise I'd made Edward, I never again tried to push him away by using another man. I had been completely faithful to him from that day to this.

Still, we had a long and difficult road ahead of us. My mother never did accept that I needed therapy, and so I struggled along with only the support, love, and infinite patience of Edward and my friends to see me through. It took me three long years after Mike's death to finally get over the worst of it. Even then, I had emotional scars that faded with time, but never fully healed.

Of course, when I was finally through the worst of my trauma and we were all looking forward to a fresh start in college, that is when my friends' lives started to fall spectacularly apart.

Alice and Jasper's crisis began when Alice decided not to go to U-Dub with the rest of us. She went to the International Academy of Design & Technology to study fashion design instead. And even though she was still in Seattle, we saw her a lot less often than we would have liked.

It was especially tough on Jasper. He was so disappointed that she wasn't with him. For two long years, he had been telling himself that he just had to wait until Alice got to college and then they'd be together all the time. It had helped make his loneliness bearable for him. So when Alice's choice indefinitely delayed that dream for him, Jasper withdrew into himself.

He started hanging out with a girl he'd met in his history classes, Maria. He didn't see the harm in his friendship with her. Maria was smart and funny and shared his interest in Civil War history. In Jasper's eyes, they were friends, that was all, and so he didn't understand why Alice would mind.

Alice did mind, however. In fact, I minded too and so did Rosalie. I didn't know why Jasper's emotional radar went on the blink around this girl, but it did. She even had Edward and Emmett fooled. It was as if men were incapable of seeing Maria for who she truly was. We girls had no such problem. We'd seen Maria's kind before. On the surface, she was charming and even seemed sweet, but underneath, she was a cold, calculating, manipulative bitch.

The three of us tried repeatedly to warn Jasper away from Maria, but he refused to listen. Maria hadn't done anything specific that justified our opinion of her to Jasper. We tried to explain that it was just a feeling, but explaining feminine intuition to a man was next to impossible. He thought Alice was being unnecessarily jealous and cruel to his friend who had done nothing to deserve it. Alice and Jasper had terrible fights over Maria, putting an intense strain on their relationship.

Things finally came to a head on the night Jasper decided to hit the bars with Maria and a group of her friends. Jasper had invited Emmett, but he'd decided not to go so that he could spend some time with Rose. The rest of us were still underage and couldn't join them. So, Jasper went out without any of us to watch over him. He and Alice had gotten into a wicked fight over his going out with Maria, and I think that's what ultimately led to his drinking so much. Well, that, and the fact that Maria and her friends kept buying him shots.

At the end of the night, a very drunk Jasper ended up alone with Maria in her apartment. He was sitting on her couch with his head back, practically unconscious, when he suddenly became aware of Maria's hand sliding up his thigh. When he'd asked her what she thought she was doing, she'd whispered into his ear that she was only doing what she knew he really wanted her to. She'd then reached for the button on his jeans and tried to unfasten it. Luckily, Jasper was drunk, but he wasn't _that _drunk. He pushed Maria away and got the hell out of there.

He'd confessed everything to Alice the next day, but she'd felt betrayed and angry. She couldn't understand why Jasper had discounted her opinion so lightly. She had demanded to know why he wouldn't listen to her when she'd tried to tell him not to trust Maria; instead, he had said that she was just jealous and hadn't trusted in _her_. Alice had told Jasper she couldn't even stand to look at him anymore and that if Maria meant so much more to him than she did, Jasper should go running back to her. She said that her faith in him was broken, and they were over.

Jasper was devastated. He tried time and again to get Alice to talk to him and try to work things out, but she wouldn't listen.

Over the next couple of months, Jasper deteriorated rapidly. He barely ate or slept. He quit going to class. He drank way too damn much. The boy was just a mess, and it hurt my heart to see him like that.

Alice wasn't much better. She missed Jasper desperately, cried over him every night, and listened to the same lovelorn, brokenhearted songs over and over and over again until anyone else in hearing-range wanted to run screaming from the room.

Still, she was too stubborn to admit that she might have overreacted and made a mistake. She wouldn't listen as we all tried to tell her how sorry Jasper was for everything that had happened. She didn't want to hear about how he was doing. If we tried to even mention his name to her, she'd stick her fingers in her ears and hum. I know, real mature, right?

Finally, I'd had enough. So I did what any good cousin and best friend would do when faced with a situation like this – I went to Alice and tricked her into facing the truth.

Unbeknownst to Jasper, I had taken a picture of him the day before with my camera phone…shortly before he kicked me out of his apartment so I couldn't watch him drink himself into yet another stupor.

"Hey, Alice, you've got to see this," I told her in an excited voice as I passed her my phone.

"What is it?" she asked a moment before she saw the image of her ex-boyfriend and her face paled.

"What's wrong with Jasper? Is he sick?" Alice demanded.

It was an easy conclusion to reach. Jasper was thinner than we'd ever seen him. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his skin had an unhealthy ashen pallor. His face was covered by several days' growth of whiskers, and his hair hung limp and unkempt past his chin.

"No, he's not sick – although if he keeps on like this, he soon will be. He's heartbroken, Alice. Jasper's lost without you. He doesn't take care of himself. He finally dropped out of school this semester because he wasn't going to any of his classes anyway. He never even goes outside in the daylight anymore. He just sits in that apartment and drinks. Alice, he knows that he should have listened to you about Maria. He knows he fucked up. But aren't you punishing him a little too severely in light of what actually happened? Maria made her move on him, and he pushed her away. He went straight back to you."

"But…" Alice tried to protest.

"I know," I interrupted, "you felt like he chose Maria over you. He didn't though, Alice. It's you he loves. He doesn't want anyone else but you."

Tears escaped the corners of Alice's eyes. "I just don't know if I can trust him again, Bella," she whispered.

"Alice, you know what I did to Edward. Where would I be now if he hadn't found it in his heart to forgive me and given me the chance to show him that I was trustworthy again? I know you love Jasper, and I know without a doubt that he loves you. Give him a second chance…for both your sakes."

Alice nodded and smiled at me through her tears. "You're right, Bella. After all we've been through…what we had together…I love him too much to let things end like this. I do owe Jasper another chance."

She gave me a quick hug. "Thanks for talking me out of my stubborn streak."

I returned her squeeze with one of my own. "Hey, you come by it honestly. It's a family trait, remember? I understand your stubbornness in a way no one else possibly ever could."

Alice pulled back and gave me an impish look. "And since you know me so well, you'll also understand why I'm going to ditch you right now. I'm going over to see Jasper."

I laughed, "Yeah, I was just going to tell you that if you made that man suffer for even a second longer, I was personally going to kick your butt."

She scoffed, "Pfft, like you could."

"Well, you'd best not test me, Pixie, and go reclaim that man of yours. If you don't soon, I'm seriously considering claiming him myself and convincing Edward that polyandry could be fun."

Alice gave me a mock-menacing glare. "Not a chance, Bells. That cowboy is all mine."

I grinned at her, "I know that Alice. Please, don't forget it this time."

"I won't, I promise."

Alice moved in with Jasper a month later, and within the year, they were married…the first of us to tie the knot. It wasn't something that they'd planned on while they were both still in school. But having come so close to losing one another, they didn't want to wait any longer to make it official and begin their lives together.

With Alice and Jasper happily settled, we all thought that the worst was truly behind us. Jasper had gone to summer school to make up the classes he'd dropped, and he'd graduated on time with Emmett. He then decided to stay in Seattle and go straight into grad school, so he could stay with Alice until she finished up her studies.

Emmett had been lucky that Forks Middle School happened to be looking for a P.E. teacher the summer after he graduated and were willing to hire someone right out of school. Sadly, though, this meant another separation for him and Rosalie. But since they had been hoping to return to Forks to settle down eventually, they both agreed that this opportunity was too good for Emmett to pass up.

Rose missed Emmett terribly – which as her roommate I witnessed firsthand and did my best to aid with gallons of frozen yogurt or the occasional tequila shot – but being the strong, independent girl we all loved, she managed to get along without him. Always mechanically-inclined, she had joined Edward in the mechanical engineering program. It was a male dominated course of study, even in this day and age. Women in the program had to work harder than their male classmates in order to be taken seriously. This was even truer of Rosalie, whose beauty often left people with the false impression that there couldn't possibly be brains under all those abundant blonde curls. She consistently proved the skeptics wrong by ranking near the top of all her classes.

Still, there were those who had trouble accepting Rosalie as an equal. She had to put up with quite a few men who thought she needed to be taken down a peg or two. Edward did his best to watch out for her and protect her from as much of the male chauvinism as he could, but they weren't in every class together and there was only so much he could do.

In one of her classes, Rose was paired with another student, Royce King, for a semester-long project. They were supposed to design and build a working robot that could complete their professor's obstacle course. This assignment meant that she and Royce had to spend a lot of time together outside of school.

At first, Royce had seemed like an okay guy. He was a little arrogant and cocky, but Rosalie was used to that, and she got along with him well enough.

They had often met at the library or at the apartment Rose and I shared, but it wasn't until they were putting the finishing touches on their project that Rose had finally consented to meet at Royce's place. He lived alone in a lavish condo that his parents had bought for him, and the thought of being alone with him made her a bit uneasy. She'd been the target of way too many unwanted passes and had long ago learned to avoid being alone with men she didn't know all that well. But since it wouldn't take that long to test the robot one last time and add their conclusions to their accompanying paper, she convinced herself that it would be alright.

She had been right about things not taking very long. In just over an hour they were finished. With the robot working perfectly and the final draft of their paper printing, Royce encouraged Rose to have a celebratory drink with him. She hadn't really wanted the glass of wine he pushed into her hand but took it anyway to be polite.

That was the last thing she remembered until she woke up the next morning…nauseated, confused, and naked in Royce's bed.

I didn't know what to think when I got a strange phone call from Rosalie that morning, asking me to pick her up at a bus stop a block from Royce's condo. She'd driven over there, so I couldn't understand why she would need a ride or why she wouldn't just wait for me at Royce's place. I didn't ask any questions though. The sound of Rosalie's voice had stilled every impulse inside of me but one – to get to her as quickly as I possibly could. I knew that voice…toneless, numb, cold. An icy chill of fear clamped around my heart as I wondered what in the hell had happened to my friend.

Pulling up to the curb in front of the bus stop, I felt my panic increase as I took in the sight of a disheveled, huddled figure in place of the proud and confident Rosalie that I'd always known. I threw open my door and rushed to her side. Kneeling beside her, I brushed the tousled blonde hair out of her eyes. "Rose, what is it? What happened?" I asked gently.

"Bella?" Her eyes seemed to look through me as she glanced at my face.

"I'm here, sweetie. What do you need?"

In a hesitant, almost childlike voice, she asked me, "C-could you take me to the hospital? Please?"

"The hospital? Are you hurt? Did you have an accident?" My eyes rapidly looked her over, trying to find some evidence of cuts, bruises, anything to explain why she would need to go to a hospital.

"I…I'm pretty sure that…Royce King…" Rosalie choked, unable to get the words out.

"What, Rose? What did Royce do?" I asked with a sense of foreboding.

He raped me, Bella," she finished quietly.

It was difficult for me to be there for her through the examinations and all the questions. I had to hear her story repeated again and again for nurses, doctors, and police officers. It made me physically ill to listen to her recount how she only remembered having the one drink that that son-of-a-bitch had given her and then nothing…about waking up feeling disoriented and then the dawning horror as she realized that she'd been violated…and the worst part…hearing how Royce King had tried to convince her that she'd gotten drunk and seduced _him_! It was torture seeing Rosalie so timid, so scared, as she suffered through reliving what had happened to her.

It had crossed my mind at the time that it felt as if Rosalie were being violated all over again. But what happened to her in the hospital that day was nothing compared to the nightmare of what happened to her over the following months. The problem was that by the time Rose got to the hospital and had blood drawn, there was none of the drug Royce had used still left in her system. And because she had been unconscious and hadn't put up a fight, there wasn't much physical evidence that she'd been raped. The bastard had even used a condom, so there was no DNA evidence. The doctors could tell that Rosalie had had sex, but there was no way of telling if it had been consensual or not. It had come down to a case of Rosalie's word against that of Royce King. Throw in a prosecutor who was good friends and political allies with the King family, and all was lost. The prosecutor refused to press charges against Royce.

All of us who loved Rose were bitter and angry over what had happened. Emmett, Jasper and Edward had to be talked out of going after Royce themselves. Alice and I argued and screamed and threatened the boys until they at least agreed that killing Royce King might not be the best idea for all concerned. Still, I worried about what Emmett might do. It helped that Royce had been wise enough to skip town and put thousands of miles of distance between himself and Emmett. Rumor had it that he'd fled to New York, but none of us were sure whether or not the rumor was true.

Emmett. How can I describe what this did to him? He was destroyed. He blamed himself for what had happened to Rosalie. He cursed himself for not being there to protect her. And he couldn't even look at Rosalie – not because of what had happened to her, but because he felt that he had failed her.

Of course, Emmett's withdraw from her was the last thing Rosalie needed at the time. Rose had always been a bit…brusque. But now she was angry as fuck and willing to take her anger out on whoever happened to be around. Not that we blamed her. She had every right to be angry after what Royce had done to her. Yet, it was more than a little trying to be around her. Rosalie took pissed off and cranked it up to eleven all the damn time. She never gave any of us a reprieve. And again, I was struck by how familiar it all seemed to me.

Coming home one evening after having dinner with Edward, I found Rosalie sitting on the living room couch in the darkness. She was dressed in sweats, her unwashed and tangled hair obscuring her face. When I had left earlier that day, she'd been in the same place…in the exact same position as a matter-of-fact. It didn't look as if she'd moved a muscle. She was just staring into nothingness, completely trapped inside her own mind.

I sighed as I sat beside her. "Rosalie?"

There was no response from her, not even a blink at the sound of her name.

I didn't touch her. I knew better than that. I just sat beside her, letting her know I was there for her. After several long minutes, I finally broke the silence. "I won't tell you that I know how you feel."

That got her attention as she threw me a burning gaze.

"How could I know how you feel?" I asked her. "I've never been through what you have, Rose."

Her brows drew together in a scowl as the fury in her eyes scorched me. "Bella, if this is the beginning of some lame heart-to-heart, I'd rather just skip it, okay? Besides, for there to be a heart-to-heart, we'd both have to have one, right? I'm not sure my heart's still there to tell the truth."

I nodded. "The feeling of emptiness in your chest, as if your heart has been ripped out…I remember that one."

"Fucking shit! Didn't you just say that you weren't going to pull this 'I know how you feel' crap!" Rosalie demanded.

"I don't know how you feel, Rose. You were raped, and I wasn't."

Her eyes closed as lines of pain etched her face. "I know what happened to me, Bella. I don't need a play by play."

"I'm sorry. But ignoring what happened is not going to make it go away."

"How would you know? Maybe ignoring it is just what I need."

"Rosalie, if ignoring it was helping, you wouldn't have been sitting here on this couch all damn day."

She turned her face away from me. "I don't want to do this. Please, don't."

"I've never been where you are, Rose, but you know I went through my own kind of hell. I know the feelings aren't exactly the same. But the loneliness, the pain, the wanting to stay numb, the uncontrollable anger, the blaming yourself…I recognize all of those feelings in you, because I've had them myself."

I didn't know what to expect then. I thought it most likely that she would react with anger. So, I was a little surprised when she began to cry. I had known tears could be a possibility, but they weren't usually Rosalie's style.

She covered her face with her hands as her body was racked with sobs. "I don't want to be this way, Bella, but I can't seem to stop. I don't know what to do. I'm watching my entire life being destroyed right before my eyes. I don't know how to be this girl. I'm Rosalie Hale, damn it! I don't cower in my apartment afraid to go beyond my own front door. But now, it seems I do. I'm losing everything…Emmett, my courage, my pride, even my will to go on, and I don't have the strength to keep it from happening. Did you ever think you'd hear those words from me, Bella," she laughed humorlessly, "_I_ don't have the strength…"

"But you do, Rose. I know you do," I said quietly.

"How? How do I turn this around? Emmett doesn't want to come anywhere near me, and I don't blame him. Of course he doesn't want me now…after Royce touched me. How can I blame Emmett for not wanting to be with me when I don't even want to? I can't stand who I am now…what Royce has turned me into."

"Rosalie Lillian Hale! How can you even think that? Emmett doesn't see you as some kind of damaged goods. He loves you."

She sneered, "Sure. He loves me so much that he can't even bear to look at me. How could I have possibly mistaken that for disgust?"

I inched a little closer to her, but still didn't touch her. "Think about this, sweetie. It's not _you_ Emmett blames. You know the big lug better than anyone. Can't you see what's going on with him?"

Rosalie looked at me questioningly.

"He blames himself. He thinks he should have been able to protect you."

"That's just stupid! He wasn't even in Seattle. He was in Forks. I didn't even tell him I was going over to Royce's. It was all my fault!"

"Rose, listen to yourself! How was this your fault? Royce did this! Not you! It was completely and totally _his_ fault!"

"But I shouldn't have trusted him. I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have taken that wine he gave me."

"This wasn't some stranger in a bar handing you a drink, Rose. You knew Royce. You'd spent time with him and worked with him. You should have had every expectation that you could be alone with him and be safe. He abused your trust."

Fat tears rolled down Rosalie's cheeks. "You know what hurts the most? I didn't think anything like this would ever happen to me. I thought I was too much of a head-strong bitch for anyone to ever mess with. But in the back of my head, I had the idea if any guy ever did try anything like this, I would be able to fight him off, you know? But Royce even took that away from me. He drugged me, so I couldn't even fight. I couldn't even tell him no!"

I was silent for a while as she cried. I knew she needed to get as much of the pain out as possible, and at the moment her tears were granting her that temporary release.

Finally when her sobs ceased and her tears had slowed to a trickle, I broke my silence. "Rose, you're right. Royce did take away your power to fight him that night. But he no longer has that power over you unless you give it to him. He's not around anymore, but you're still acting as his victim. Don't!"

The anger was back in Rosalie's eyes. "What the fuck do you suggest I do now, Bella? You know that ship has kind of already sailed."

"You do whatever it takes to move forward. You find the strength and courage to go on. Rose, do what I was afraid to do…ask for help. Join a support group…see a private therapist…whatever makes you feel most comfortable, but do _something_ to show Royce King that he has no power to make you his permanent victim."

Rosalie sighed, "Bella, I just don't see what it would help. Therapy isn't going to change anything. What could it possibly do? What could it possibly change? What happened to me can't be undone."

"No," I conceded, "What Royce did can't be undone. But it's something to try. Something you can do to try to put some of the pieces back together. Because we both know that what you're doing now ain't working for you, babe."

I could see the uncertainty in Rosalie's eyes. I guessed at what she was feeling, that maybe she was afraid to hope…afraid of how easily her hope could be crushed now.

"I…I'll think about it, Bella. Okay?"

Honestly, it was more of a concession on her part than I'd been expecting this soon. I gave her a small smile. "Okay," I agreed. "And I'm here for you in the meantime. You know that, right?"

"I do," she said softly. "Thanks, Bella."

"Anytime, Rose. Anytime."

I was thrilled the day that Rosalie did go into therapy. But her courageous step had consequences that even I could never have predicted. When he saw that therapy was slowly starting to help Rosalie, Emmett decided to try it too. They worked with a therapist both individually and together to work through the guilt, anger, and sadness they each felt over what had happened.

The progress was very gradual, but eventually things improved between them. By mutual consent though, they took things very, very slowly.

Rosalie was understandably afraid of intimacy after what Royce had taken from her, and Emmett didn't think he deserved to touch her after he'd failed to protect her. So the couple who could never keep their hands off each other found themselves in the unexpected position of refraining from physical contact.

With the help of their therapist, they decided to take their relationship back to square one. Well actually considering how Rose and Emmett's relationship had been from the very beginning, they decided to take their relationship back to about negative fifty.

They spent time together, just enjoying one another's company. They talked…and talked…and talked. Emmett began writing Rosalie love letters. _Emmett! _I know, right? Even I was surprised! Rosalie wrote him back, and soon they had built up an old fashioned correspondence of love letters that rivaled any of the great lovers of the past. Emmett courted Rosalie. There was no other word to describe it. Their new romance was formed along lines in which with the absence of touching a word, a look, or a comfortable silence meant everything. And on the day when Rosalie finally, finally reached out and took Emmett's hand, the significance of the love and trust she put into that one small gesture was lost on no one…especially not Emmett.

All in all, though, the process took years. Emmett and Rosalie where the last of us to do so, but they did finally marry and were very happy together. They'd had more obstacles to overcome than the rest of us. Adding to what they'd already been through, Rosalie had found out that she couldn't have the baby she so desperately wanted with Emmett. But Emmett had reassured her that they didn't have to have a baby who shared their DNA to make that baby _theirs_. They had eventually adopted a beautiful baby girl they named Lily Isabelle who Rosalie loved with all her heart and who had had Emmett wrapped around her little finger from the moment he first saw her.

I smiled wistfully as I thought of my friends and the happiness they had all found. I missed them terribly, now that we were scattered all across the country.

Rosalie and Emmett had stayed in Forks where he currently taught and coached at our old high school and she stayed home with Lily.

Alice's fashion career had taken off, and she'd relocated to New York to be in the thick of the fashion industry there. Jasper, of course, had gone with her and was now teaching American history classes at NYU. They had decided not to have kids and were blissfully happy with just the two of them; still wrapped up in each other after all these years.

Edward and I had ended up in Chicago. After graduating with his degree in mechanical engineering, Edward had worked in the auto industry for a few years. But after our daughter, Elizabeth Anne – named after his grandmother and sharing her middle name with Esme – was born he had decided to go back to school. He got his Masters not in Engineering, as I'd expected, but in Business. He was now working for a big corporation…you know, one of those who make everything from shampoo to baby diapers…and he loved it!

When our second child, a son we named Anthony Charles, came along, I decided to quit working and stay home with my children. It was by far the hardest job I'd ever had. There were days when I wanted to tear my hair out in frustration and I longed for just a few minutes of adult conversation! But as the kids grew older and they each started school, I was occasionally granted some precious time to myself, and things got better.

Marriage to Edward. Where do I even begin? It was better than I ever even imagined it would be. Sure, over the course of the years, we'd had our share of ups and downs. We weren't immune to the arguments and irritations that almost every couple goes through. For example, I could not understand why the man seemed somehow incapable of rinsing off a dish before putting it in the dishwasher. I mean seriously, is it _that_ difficult to remember to run a plate under the faucet a couple of times? Apparently for Edward it was. But being married to the love of my life? The man of my dreams? My very best friend? It was so worth overlooking those little things that sometimes bothered me.

So, my life should have been great, right? I was spending my life with Edward. We were financially secure. We had two beautiful, healthy children. I even had the choice if I wanted to work or stay home with my kids. How many women would have given anything to be in my shoes?

And for the most part, I was happy. I mean, staying home with the kids drove me more than a little nuts sometimes. Doing the same tasks like laundry and dishes and grocery shopping over and over and over again could be extremely monotonous. But I felt like what I was doing was important. I was raising my children, taking care of my Edward and of our home. There was dignity and a sense of accomplishment in that. Even if I did have trouble remembering that some days.

All of that changed, however, on the day my dad turned seventy.

I had called him that morning as the kids were eating breakfast, so that the three of us could wish him a happy birthday before the kids left for school. As we talked, I had thought that he sounded a little strange. Distracted maybe? But I hadn't thought too much about it.

The next afternoon my mother called me to tell me that Dad was in the hospital. She had said he wasn't feeling well the night before and had asked her to take him to the emergency room. That didn't sound like my dad at all. He was like me, more the suffer in silence type, so I knew that something was really wrong. When I pressed my mom for more details though, she said the doctors were doing tests, but that my dad was fine. She assured me there was nothing to worry about. When I suggested flying out to Washington to be there for him, she'd told me there was no need. That I shouldn't trouble myself.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I called Carlisle. He wasn't my dad's doctor, but he had been keeping an eye on situation for my sake. He still couldn't tell me anything specific about my dad's condition, of course, because of patient confidentiality. But when I asked him whether or not I should come, he did say that he thought maybe I should. Scared out of my mind, I called Edward and arranged for him to come home early to be with the children and then arranged the first possible flight to Sea-Tac.

When I got there, I immediately knew something was wrong. My dad was talking and laughing; his memory seemed to be fine, because we traded stories of Elizabeth and Anthony when they were babies; however, he was complaining that the right side of his body was numb.

I was certain that he'd had a stroke, but my mother was adamant that he hadn't. When I told her that I had some questions for my dad's doctor, my mom went ballistic and told me that I wasn't to ask any questions. My own temper flared. I told Mom in no uncertain terms that I may be _her _child, but I was no longer an actual child. I was a grown woman with a husband and family of my own. And I would be damned if I wasn't going to get some satisfactory answers about my dad's condition from someone. If Mom was unwilling or unable to tell me what I needed to know, I would go around her…or through her if I had to. As you can probably imagine, that went over well with Renée. She sat in a corner and sulked while I talked to Charlie's doctor.

It turned out that I had been right. My dad had had a stroke. And regardless of the fact that he was still able to communicate and remember and was not completely paralyzed, the stroke had actually been a massive one.

But the stroke was only the beginning. It turned out that Charlie also had advanced prostate cancer that had spread throughout his body.

The news was devastating, yet I still had hope. This was my dad; of course he would be okay. I mean, I knew he was really sick, but we'd still have time. The doctor said that my dad could live for another two years. Not enough time certainly, but it was better than losing him right then.

Unfortunately, I wasn't to have those two extra years with my father. Just a few days after his first stroke he had another. And just days after that, a third. The series of strokes left him completely unresponsive. His body was still there, but my dad was already gone.

I was afraid that I would have to fight my mother about letting my dad go quickly and peacefully. I feared that she would want to keep him left hooked up to machines for God only knew how long, keeping his body artificially alive because she couldn't face losing him. But luckily they'd discussed what he'd wanted if anything like this ever happened to him. Dad had told her that he didn't want machines keeping him alive, and I was relieved that she was willing to acquiesce to his wishes.

Edward flew in to be with me at the end. We'd talked about it and decided that the kids were too young see their grandfather lying unresponsive in a hospital bed, so Elizabeth and Anthony stayed with Carlisle and Esme while we were at the hospital.

On the day that would change my life forever ten days after Dad was first admitted to the hospital I sat in that small, sterile room concentrating on every single breath he took. He was struggling to breathe, his inhalations getting further and further apart. Every time there was a pause, I waited in the silence with horrified anticipation, wondering if my father would ever breathe again.

Edward had spent the night at his parents' so he could spend some time with the children. He hadn't yet arrived at the hospital, although I had called him and told him that my dad wouldn't live much longer, and he'd said he was on his way so he could be with me.

It was just my mother and I in the room with my father. She had pulled a chair up beside his bed and held his hand. Exhausted, she lay her head next to his on the pillow and fell asleep.

I sat in a chair at the foot of his bed, waiting…watching…all alone.

One breath….

Another…

One more…

And nothing.

I stood from my chair and approached the bed, still waiting for him to breathe again and resume my vigil. It didn't happen.

I slowly approached my mother, afraid to wake her to her new reality. Hesitantly, I reached out and placed my hand on her shoulder.

She immediately bolted upright. "What? What is it, Bella?"

"Mom…he's gone," I said gently.

Her brow furrowed in confusion as her sleep-addled brain tried to make sense of what I was telling her. Then her eyes widened, and she glanced down at my father. She threw her arms around him and began to sob.

I felt awkward standing there watching my mother grieve. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to believe my dad was really gone. If I let my own grief out, I felt like I would just be making something I couldn't face yet real.

"Bella?" I heard Edward's velvety soft voice from the doorway.

I turned and saw him standing there…my friend, my husband, my strength.

"Edward…"

His name had barely passed my lips when I found myself enveloped in his embrace. And it was only there, with his love surrounding me, that I could unleash my own pain. In the arms of the second man I'd ever loved, I cried for the first man who'd captured my heart. I knew then that my father's loss would leave a permanent hole in my heart for the rest of my life.

In the aftermath of losing my dad, I plunged into the second deep depression of my life. It was different in a lot of ways from how I'd felt after Mike died. There wasn't the self-loathing and blame. But I again pulled away from everyone I loved only this time to an even greater degree. I couldn't be around anyone, not even Edward and my children. I hid myself away. There was no other word for it. I sealed myself in my room and let my family fend for themselves.

Edward didn't say anything at first. He knew that I was grieving for my dad. But months went by and I withdrew more and more. I never left the house unless I was forced to. I never even left my room if I had a choice. I spent countless hours huddled in my wingback chair in the corner of my room the one that couldn't be seen from the doorway reading novels and losing myself in the lives of the characters.

Finally, even Edward's patience was at an end.

"Bella, we can't live this way anymore. All you do is hide in our room! You don't pay attention to the children. You forget about their activities. I come home from working all day and the house is a wreck. I make dinner and check homework and get the kids ready for bed every night…"

I started to cry. I knew what was coming next. Edward was fed up. He was going to leave me.

"And that's fine. I haven't minded doing more than my share, because I know what you're going through. But now…"

Here it was. The moment when I would finally lose everything that had meant the world to me.

"Love, I've seen you depressed before. I know what it's like for you. But this… I feel like we're losing you."

I tried to focus on his face, but the tears blurred my vision. "Would that be such a bad thing, Edward? Obviously I'm not doing you or the children any good."

I could see the caution in his eyes now. "Bella, are you thinking about leaving us? Are you…having suicidal thoughts again."

"No! It's not like that. I don't feel like killing myself. I just… I don't know, Edward. I just feel like I'm never going to be happy again. Like every moment of every day is an unbearable burden that I just don't know how to get through."

"Oh," he said quietly. "You're not happy with us…with _me_…anymore?"

My tears fell faster. The last thing I wanted was for him to think that I didn't love him. "That's not it. Not at all. I just feel like I don't…" I paused, knowing that I was now in familiar territory, "deserve you."

"Bella," he began, but I interrupted him.

"Edward, I know that I'm not the wife you deserve. I know I'm not the mother that Elizabeth and Anthony need right now. I know that, but I just can't make myself stop feeling this way. And I just keep waiting for you to cut your losses…to leave me…to divorce me. I wouldn't blame you."

Suddenly his hands were cradling my face and his eyes were locked with mine. "I'm not going anywhere, love. I told you a long time ago, there's nothing you can do to make me fall out of love with you. I love you, Bella. I always have and I always will. I'm just worried about you right now."

I closed my eyes against the wave of emotion that swept through me. "I love you, too. And I want to be your wife again, Edward. I don't want our children to be without a mother anymore."

"I'm here for you. I'll do whatever you need me to do," he assured me.

I knew that I needed help. Still, I was petrified. This would be a very big step for me. "I don't think I can do this on my own this time. Baby, I think I need therapy."

Edward wrapped his arms around me. "If that's what you need, then that's what we'll do."

I began therapy a month later. I also began taking antidepressants that my doctor prescribed. The combination of the two helped immeasurably, and I began to feel like I was part of my own life again.

In therapy, I found myself not only talking about the loss of my father, but also about Mike. Twenty years after the fact, I was finally discussing my feelings about Mike's death with a therapist. Better late than never, huh?

In working through the anger and helplessness I felt at losing my dad, I found an echo of those same emotions for Mike still inside of me. In some ways, I felt like I was living them all over again. I told my therapist that I didn't know what to do with these emotions. I was afraid I would unleash them on Edward or my children. She suggested that writing might be the perfect outlet for my feelings. I had felt a small smile tug at the corners of my mouth at her suggestion, thinking of Edward encouraging me to do the same thing when he gave me that beautiful journal all those years ago.

I did as my therapist suggested and began to write. I chose a different avenue than journaling this time though. Instead I decided to write everything down in story form. By telling myself that it was fiction and being able to hide behind the characters I created, I gave myself a safe place to vent all those painful feelings that I needed to get out.

And surprisingly, I found that writing stories was something I loved to do. I was sure that it would never be anything more than a hobby I knew I probably wouldn't be the next J. K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer but writing was something that brought me joy again.

"Bella?"

Edward's voice startled me, and I realized I was still standing in the middle of our bedroom. I turned to look at him over my shoulder. He was laying on his back in the middle of our bed, naked to the waist, the sheet covering his hips and twisting around his legs. He was sleep-tousled and, as always, sexy as hell. Just the sight of him made my mouth start to water.

"Yes, my love?" I asked him.

"Well, I woke up and saw you standing there, and it got me to thinking…"

"Yes?" I prompted.

"You're awake. I'm awake. Elizabeth and Anthony are apparently sleeping in this morning. Wouldn't it be a shame to waste an opportunity like this?" His crooked grin graced his lips, making him absolutely irresistible. Not that I had an intention of trying to resist him.

I quickly crossed to the bedroom door and turned the lock before sprinting across the room and jumping back into bed with him.

Laughing at my enthusiasm, he pulled the covers back for me, and I snuggled in beside him.

"You know, Mr. Cullen," I said, slipping my arms around his neck, "I like the way you think."

He dipped his head and brushed his lips lightly against mine. "And you know, Mrs. Cullen, that I like the way you taste," he replied before kissing me more firmly and teasing my lips apart.

I lost myself once again in making love to my Edward. I knew to the depths of my soul that I could never have enough of this man. I would still be loving and lusting after Edward Cullen for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Our life wasn't a fairy tale. There was no happily ever after. There was just the two of us making a life together, raising our children together, and always loving one another. And I couldn't have asked for a better end to my story than that.

* * *

I hope you all enjoyed this glimpse into the futures of the On a Lonesome Road gang. It is my sincerest wish that you understand my need for a non-fairy tale ending. On a Lonesome Road is a story about real life. Much of the content is based on actual events. And life, unfortunately, never has a stopping point one can call a happily ever after. But my characters will continue to live their lives and love one another the best way that they can. I hope this satisfies those of you out there who need a HEA.

I want to again thank all of you who took this journey with me. Your love and support has been invaluable. Especially Delta, Gemma, Ravyn, Nina and the ladies on the On a Lonesome Road thread. There would be no On a Lonesome Road without you.

So what's next from me? Well, I am kicking around the idea of revisiting the On a Lonesome Road universe from Edward's POV. I also have an idea for a mostly-fluffy romance. Yes, I know a fluffy romance from me must be a sign of the apocalypse, but it's in the works nonetheless. ;) I hope that some of you will be interested in these future projects.


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